Piss taking 17 year old DSS

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DSS is 18 in May.he lives with us full time and doesn't see his mum.

He is at College and doing A-levels. He has for the last two years been 'bulking' and eating an insane amount of food. 3 massive meals plus 3 bowls of pasta and chicken and rice - all paid for by me and DH. He also take various protein powder and pre work out powders again all paid for by us. He also drinks a 4 pint bottle of whole milk a day.

He doesn't have a job and goes to college 2.5 days a week.

He is v v v lazy and I am absolutely sick of it.

DH has started a new job this week and got home very late the past three nights. Obviously not DSS fault but DSS is only too quick to accept the fruits of our labour. £220 a month allowance plus phone and gym membership paid for and £70 a week for a tutor for him.

Today I have snapped and lost my shit

His one job is to walk the dogs one day a week on a Wednesday. I get home from work at 3 pm so we said to walk them at about 11 to break the day up etc.

I ended up wfh today and the lazy sod didn't get out of bed until 11. He then fucked around making his various food for a 1.5 hrs and the said he didn't have time to walk the dogs and said they can run around the garden

I am soooo fuming with him
He is indulged and spoilt. I have said I'm not giving him any more lifts and he can do his own washing.

Dh says I'm being a bit mean re the washing. I don't think I am.

I also think the allowance should stop.

He did walk the dogs at 3 but it defeats the object.

I've told DH he can do the washing but then that has caused a row between us.

AIBU?

I have 2 'bulkers' in the house (16 and 17yo) who would also kill for your DSS's deal.

They both have jobs (on top of full time study) and buy their own supplements. They don't get an allowance.

Fucking hell, i'd have killed for a deal like that at 17. I'm mid 20s so not that long ago and I was doing 50 hour weeks between college and 2 part time jobs at his age, stop giving him an easy ride, you'll all regret it when he's older and has no clue how to actually adult. YANBU

Jesus christ. You fund his ridiculous diet, and he has an allowance on top of that?

Sorry but that needs to stop. He can get at job. There are plenty of part time jobs around at the moment.

At 17 I was paying half of my parents rent/bills, and running a car ffs.

@namechangeagaintwice

I don't know why you complained about the food. He's a young adult living under your roof and needs to eat. The amount he is eating is online with the average teenager unfortunately but at least he's eating healthy.

Yes he can do his own washing and pay for bits and pieces like protein powder out of his pocket money, that's exactly what it's for.
Some kind of incentive to get a job is what he needs but it sounds like you just don't really like your dss to be honest.

That is a lot more than the average teenager eats.

That’s £600 a month!? Duckin hell.

He clearly isnt lazy if he is going to the gym and bulking up. Selfish, yes.

If be increasing his chores. My 10 and 11 year old do far more. And their spending money is dependent on those chores being done.

Why on earth are you doing his washing?

As with many threads. You have a DH problem not a DSS problem.

Hell, if he’s only at college 2.5 days a week maybe he’d be best sacking it off and working full-time.

That’d be more than enough to fund all of his crap.

Gym, phone, supplements AND £220 a month? You and DH really have created a monster.

Like most posters here, my DDs at 17/18 had part time jobs, and paid for their own extras. The only thing we paid for was their driving lessons. That was in our own interests though, as otherwise we'd be continuing to ferry them around.

Wow. What a sweet deal. He has far more disposable income than me working 50 hours per week and a single mum. No wonder he’s mad it might stop 😆😆 Clearly yanbu other than failing to prepare him for the big bad world out there!!

I had a boy and I know how much they eat as teenagers but it would worry me that your step son has 'bulking stuff' and protein drinks in addition to meals and snacks. They cannot be doing him any good and I wonder why he feels the need to have them - is he very skinny and self conscious? It sounds dreadfully unhealthy.

He should have walked the dogs as he only has to do that once a week, it wouldn't have killed him and I understand your disappointment over that. Otherwise, getting up at 11am (and later|), when there is no school/college is quite normal at his age.

Knowing how to use the washing machine, sorting clothes into appropriate categories, is essential. Once he's 'got' it, he'll wonder why he didn't do it before, it's so easy and takes virtually no time at all.

You, he and his dad have a family meeting and discuss it all calmly, expressing your concerns about his strange eating habits which will show that you care about his health.

@VaddaABeetch

At nearly 18 he needs to do his own washing anyway. Doesn’t he mind you eating his pants? He also needs a pt job.

Probably minds a lot

My 15 year old went and got himself a job....because he doesn't expect money from parents indefinitely (don't worry, we're still feeding and housing him.....and paying a fortune for everything else he needs/wants!)
My point being, my son knows money doesn't grow on trees and if he wants it he has to work, a child of 17 with such a generous allowance won't have a clue about the realities of life.

For comparison my 18 year old gets an allowance of £75 per month plus £10 per month phone contract. Driving lessons were a birthday present & we pay bus fayres to college.

He has become very entitled by the sound of it.

@Whatsonmymindgrapes

Hmmm a tough one if you can afford it why wouldn’t you spoil him? But he should be pulling his weight

why wouldn't you spoil him

It's in the word - spoil - to ruin, like fruit going mouldy forgotten somewhere.

It does a young person no favours to be coddled in this way. It is easier in the short term - for both parent and child - but it sets them up for failure in life.

His father needs to be a parent, not an enabler. Show dh this thread. He needs to wake up.

And last weekend when Dh and I had covid he waited on us. Cooked all our meals (admittedly convenience freezer food, walked to the shop & cleaned the kitchen. )

My 18 yo gets no money off us . He works at mcdonald's.
And goes to college.
And runs his own car.
Your dss is a piss taking cf.
But to be fair.
. Dc will take as much as is given. So dh is to blame ultimately imo.

My son is 18 and in FT education, he gets £20.00 a month. Yes we pay for his gym and phone but £220.00 is ridiculous. Knock that on the head straight away, along with his protein powders and any other unnecessary extras. He needs to get off his arse and find a PT job.

Your DH is going to have to enforce this. If you push it to DSS you’ll no doubt get the “evil stepmother” tantrum.

My nearly 17 year old gets £35 allowance and that's to buy clothes with and all going out. If he doesn't do his chores (cleaning up after dinner, washing the bathroom once a week, taking dog around the block when asked, bins).your dh is creating a feckless man.

Op that amount of food doesn't seem normal to me. I have a 17 yr old doing A Levels, rugby x3 sessions a week, football x2 sessions a week and he doesn't eat that much! I happily provide meals, snacks, packed lunch stuff and I pay for meals at college, his bus pass and his phone.

I do also give him £10pw pocket money although that's not really needed these days as he does 10hrs pw at McDonalds.

I think your DSS is being inconsiderate and I'd be strongly suggesting he get a job and cutting the allowance. I'd also expect that he buy his own protein powders but I'd be ok with paying for the gym.

Can he cycle / bus to options for work?

Losing your shot because he walked the dogs late seems like a massive overreaction. I'm guessing you've been resenting him for ages.

Coupla things: waking at 11 is pretty normal for teenagers
So is extraordinary self absorption. It can be very trying but it's all part of normal development.

You and your husband need to talk through what you want/need from him then have the conversation with him about what he wants/needs versus your wishes. Let him talk, listen and let him come up with some ideas on how he can contribute.

The more he contributes to the conversation the more but in he'll have to the new arrangement.

But orders won't work, and he'll need a zillion reminders.

He can't be expected to transition from indulged to fine upstanding citizen overnight, it's going to take time, patience and consistency.

He'll need tons of encouragement and lots of praise for any dollops of maturity displayed.

And it'll all be worth it, he is perfectly capable of emerging from his teens as a considerate and responsible human being.

Two hundred and what now???

I think that’s a very generous allowance! Why is he not paying for his own phone bill and gym membership with this money?
He’s not learning to take any responsibility.
I’m not much older than him but at 17 I was in full time education, had a part time job, paid for my own phone bill and if I wanted to go out and spend money then I had to use my own money. I thought I was incredibly lucky not having to pay my parents money for living at home like most of my friends did!
I think you need to speak to your dh and agree that things need ti change. He needs to start growing up a little.
17 is typical for lying in bed and eating a lot but you’re providing so much for him that he has no inspiration to do anything for himself!

I’m conflicted as overall YANBU but on a few points YABU

• Teen boys eat a lot. I know I have one. So the meals I would not resent. However, the protein powders and “bulking up” could be unhealthy and a sign of disordered eating. I agree he should at the very least fund these special foods from his monthly allowance.

• £220/mo allowance is fairly high. It’s hard to say if it’s too high as that depends on your household income and what he is expected to fund with the money...ie does he pay for a bus pass? For school lunches? I agree with his father having another look at the allowance and perhaps having him start to use it to pay for some of his expenses.

• He’s studying A levels and even if he only goes into classes a few days a week there is a lot of outside class work and study expected. Which is why it is classed as full time education. His total hours worked in class and from home, equal or exceed a full time job. So I think you are being unreasonable to call him lazy.

• getting up at 11am occasionally. First, nothing wrong with a lie in when you are a student and can make your own study schedule. In addition, studies have shown that teenagers naturally become more night owl and need extra sleep in the morning. So this doesn’t make him lazy or taking the piss.

• Walking the dog. It’s buried in there, but he DID walk the dog at 3pm instead of your preferred 11am. Why does it matter when he walks the dog so much if there is a garden the dog can use in the meantime? The dog won’t care. You come across as controlling to be honest, and if he hadn’t walked the dog at all I would agree with your “punishment” but since he did, just not exactly when you wanted I think YABU.

£220 a month allowance plus phone and gym membership paid for and £70 a week for a tutor for him

That's absolutely crazy. My 16 year old, in 6th form, gets £30 a month allowance, and has a Saturday job (£140 per month) for anything else she wants. We do pay for her phone contract (although it was for her Christmas present) , and gym membership (as it's cheap to add her to ours as a family). We also buy her any clothes she needs for school, but anything else she buys herself. We pay for haircuts, but she pays if she wants hair dyed, nails done etc. She has to learn to budget, and not waste her money. She does her own washing, and helps around the house.

The amount of food your DDS is eating sound ridiculous. I have two grown sons (21 and 19), and they eat nothing like that amount of food, and they are both big eaters. If your DSS needs more food than normal, and powders, due to 'bulking up', tell him he can pay for it himself! His hobby is costing you a fortune!

He's spoilt, plain and simple, you need to get this through to your DH if you want things to change.