Piss taking 17 year old DSS

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DSS is 18 in May.he lives with us full time and doesn't see his mum.

He is at College and doing A-levels. He has for the last two years been 'bulking' and eating an insane amount of food. 3 massive meals plus 3 bowls of pasta and chicken and rice - all paid for by me and DH. He also take various protein powder and pre work out powders again all paid for by us. He also drinks a 4 pint bottle of whole milk a day.

He doesn't have a job and goes to college 2.5 days a week.

He is v v v lazy and I am absolutely sick of it.

DH has started a new job this week and got home very late the past three nights. Obviously not DSS fault but DSS is only too quick to accept the fruits of our labour. £220 a month allowance plus phone and gym membership paid for and £70 a week for a tutor for him.

Today I have snapped and lost my shit

His one job is to walk the dogs one day a week on a Wednesday. I get home from work at 3 pm so we said to walk them at about 11 to break the day up etc.

I ended up wfh today and the lazy sod didn't get out of bed until 11. He then fucked around making his various food for a 1.5 hrs and the said he didn't have time to walk the dogs and said they can run around the garden

I am soooo fuming with him
He is indulged and spoilt. I have said I'm not giving him any more lifts and he can do his own washing.

Dh says I'm being a bit mean re the washing. I don't think I am.

I also think the allowance should stop.

He did walk the dogs at 3 but it defeats the object.

I've told DH he can do the washing but then that has caused a row between us.

AIBU?

@VaddaABeetch

At nearly 18 he needs to do his own washing anyway. Doesn’t he mind you eating his pants? He also needs a pt job.

Sorry but this typo made me HOWL. 😂😂😂😂

(Honestly though, presuming you meant cleaning, why on Earth would he care?)

OP: way too much pocket money, and he should be paying things like gym and protein powder out of then. Cut the allowance way back to something basic (say £20 per week) and he can earn the rest either with paid employment or doing jobs for you about the house (above his daily expected chores).

At 18 I was at college full time, working full time and had to pay for half the rent in my mums flat, I also paid for gas and electric and food, probably about half. My brother, who lived with dad did the opposite and didn't move out til 30s, I was out by 21.

Do not enable this laziness. Honestly, I actually no longer speak to my brother as he spent years leeching off us all (all minimum wage workers might I add, not well off ourselves) and would never pay a penny back for months on end.

Why are you doing his washing and not DH? DSS should do it himself.

He needs to get a job and do his own chores.

@Rivermonsters I have teenage boys, I’m well aware what bulking is. It’s completely unnecessary.

You're both enabling his lazy and selfish behaviour. He needs a job. Stop funding and enabling his bratty behaviour.

@ClaudiusTheGod not really

So your DH thinks you are mean about the washing, fabulous let him to it then. Your DSD treats you like your DH by the sounds of it, like the hired help.

It really is simple, just leave his stuff and let him do it. I agree with others that is not a normal amount of food. Is he actually building muscles or getting fat?

Raising young men like this is not setting them up positive relationships in the future.

What is he having an allowance for? You are right he is taking the piss and I don't blame him, where his is motivation for getting off his arse. Stop the allowance and stop being his servants, he will change trust me.

My son in laws have followed a similar plan when bulking. My DD does the protein powders etc. If his Dad wants to keep him, that's his business and you shouldn't be controlling what he eats. He should be pulling his weight in practical terms. But can he be trusted with the dogs?

That’s a lot of bulking.

I am aware I was very fortunate and I didn't pay for my own phone contract until after uni and at uni I did get an allowance as parents didn't want me to work as was doing a very full on full time course. But my allowance had to pay my rent house hold bills, food, petrol (didn't live at home) and I did get several part time jobs off my own back to afford the things I wanted ie holidays, clothes, nights out etc. i don't think you can juat stop everything straight away, but I would suggest you keep paying his phone and gym membership (at least he's not fat and lazy and sits about playing PlayStation all day) so I would want to encourage the gym going and keep buying his food shopping. Protein/supps he should buy himself. No allowance except maybe travel to college funded by you. And you could pay him weekly the same wage as your dog walker to walk the dog on a Wednesday. Then he can use his dog walking money for protein. Clothes/nights out he should get a PT job even if it's just 1-2 shifts a week that should cover his clothes/socialising money. I think that's fair.

YANBU to feel the way you do.

But he did walk the dog in the end so I think that’s not an issue.

I don’t think it’s fair to take everything away from him simply because he was an hour or 2 late walking the dog, even if it was a build up of other things.

DH needs to sit him down and explain that he is extremely fortunate and his allowance is not just free money but money that is earned from doing things like walking the dog etc.
If he wants the money he’s going to need to earn it.

He should definitely have more things to do than walking the dog once a week.
He needs to learn how to do the washing so putting a load on once a week won’t kill him and he can be responsible for cutting the grass or washing up a couple of times a week.

Yanbu.

It's about financial life skills too.

I'd have gone mad weeks/ months ago.

At 16 I had an apprentice job earning £50 a week. From that £15 a WEEK was towards parents house bills.
I had to budget to decide if I wanted a new top or a cinema trip. I paid bus money to get to/ from work too.
At home I did my own washing/ ironing (from about 13 but my mom would iron my uniform for school).
I also had to hoover the entire house (not that big) once a week and feed the dogs every night.

As my wage got better my parents got more money. It ended in my 20's when I got about £1000 a month and they had £200 monthly.

I have to say I'm now extremely good with money and manage mine and dp's finances. I believe this is because from my first wage in the earlier days I learnt to budget for what had to go out to parents before I could spend anything elsewhere and I couldn't have everything I wanted.

He needs a job.
Until he gets one then he works around the house for his money.
Walk dogs (more than 1 time)
Chores
Shopping
Preparing a meal
Responsibility for something (ideally something he would get a direct hit from if he didn't do it such as paying his own gym fee from his bank- if he forgets to pay they'll turn him away, this again is a life skill).

If you insist on giving him all he is getting maybe save the money he'd usually get so he will still benefit and could put towards a car in the future etc?

Something needs to change as you're enabling him to be lazy and he will struggle in life if he doesn't start learning!

The tutor and maybe one other thing (phone/ gym) would be a great gesture to continue and he should be very thankful.

Actually you have a perfect opportunity coming up for things to change…he is turning 18 in may. So you and dh and him sit down and discuss things.
Doing his washing - tbh it’s no big deal to put all the family’s clothes in together but if he wants extra done then he puts it in himself.
Walking the dogs - just once a week? He can step up and do that more often.
The allowance? That needs to change. As pp have said it’s giving him no incentive to look for a job. My ds15 does a paper round and has done for over a year now. He’s learning that he can afford to buy nice things by earning money and saving up.
The gym membership and phone can be paid for by him, as can the protein powders and extra food.
Buy just the normal amount of food each week and if he wants more he can buy it and cook it. My eldest ds is also bulking and this arrangement works for us.
Seems like he needs to learn some valuable life skills and your dh (and you) need to stop facilitating his easy lifestyle!

Op you must be loaded!

I've just worked out just his tutor and spending money and it's over £6000 a year!
That's without the phone/ gym/ extra food!

If you're loaded then I take back my previous post as he may not need to work/ earn his own money.

I wouldn't want mine working in these circumstances,prefer them to focus on their studies

I see why you are angry and want to change things. But you are exploding over one small thing and it's not the best way to effect change unless you've tried other routes and they really don't work.

You need to sit down with DH and discuss the fact he's brought up a lazy son who is unreliable and immature. Point out that DSS isn't benefitting from it and discuss how to support him in becoming an independent adult.

You need to try and separate out your anger at his laziness from the resources you're spending on him (unless you're hard up and it's you doing the heavy lifting financially) because if it's all about the money your DH is likely to take it as a grabby conversation. Calm down and think instead about what skills DSS needs to be independent and what an adult should be contributing in terms of chores to the household they live in. Focus on how the three of you are going to get him pulling his weight.

I would do his laundry and turn it all pink and shrink it >:) im a bit evil though.

Stop treating him like a kid. He goes to college less than 3 days a week he can get a job in a supermarket for the other 4 and pay his way. At his age I went to college 5 days a week, worked the other 2 and was paying my mum 25% of my earnings. The rest was used for what I needed including phone etc. His almost an adult.

Bloody hell you give him a lot of money! Stop that, so that he has the incentive to get off his arse and get a job At least then he will have less time to obsess about food ( despite what Mumsnet say it is NOT normal for teenagers to eat 6 meals per day).

What are his plans eg is he sitting 3 A levels in next few months then Uni in September?
Just because in college 2.5 days his course may be full time load. He sounds like he’s struggling academically if he’s needed a weekly tutor. He’ll have extra work for tutor too. If he’s only doing a part time course that’s very different.
Realistically a job now if he’s got exams imminently and he’s academically struggling could backfire. Can you speak to DH and DSS and agree he’ll get a job in June once exams over.
I’d definitely look at scaling back allowance once 18 is as good a reason as any.
Food. My 16 year old DD is very particular with food, goes to gym and prioritises protein. I do buy her some powders and bars or we go halves. She does favour expensive things like fresh raspberries, chicken, Fage Greek yoghurt etc. I do buy her stuff as we can afford it and I’m pleased she’s eating (bottom end healthy bmi) and it is healthy food. She makes a packed lunch for school and doesn’t buy fast food, Starbucks etc. The actual amounts she eats are small though.

OP what's DH's attitude more generally towards his son? Is he often unwilling to say anything to him, or risk upsetting him?

Job at a gym or one with free food while on shift would be a good steer!

When I was seventeen I was at college five days a week and worked in the evenings four days a week. When I hit eighteen I also got a job at the wkend

Kids today are spoilt. Why does he have an allowance? No wonder he's lazy, it's encouraging him to be

Take the allowance away and he can get a p/t job instead, he'll have to if he wants to stuff his face, go to the gym and have a phone

Time for some tough love. Man child in the making. I cringed when you said he's expected to walk the dog once a week. That should be once a day. Your DH is a big part of the problem

It's not his fault, what is he meant to do turn down the allowance? He is 17 FGS - you are both in charge not him! I can't see the poor kid has done anything wrong.