BIL charged indecent images. DH's favourite person

[LotinLife]

Need some advice on how to 1. Save our marriage 2. Whilst protecting our young children 3. Living with the fact that you're the only one that suspects.

So, BIL, who I've known for 15+ years and has always been a close relative. Knew him since he was a young teenager. My DH (older by 9+ years) loves him and has quoted on a number of occasions that he is his favourite person and has unconditional love for him. DH of course loves his children and they too are his favourite persons. Anyway, DH and BIL relationship is extremely close and has been commented on how close they are by all members of family and friends.

However, in the past year we were contacted by SS that he was charged with possession of indecent images and that he was to have no unsupervised visits with our children. Of course that came as a shock. SS apologised that in fact they should've contacted us earlier.
BIL hadn't told us anything.

But being a family we wanted to hear both sides (SS didn't go into the details). BIL broke down to DH via call and said that there was a couple of files to believed were found and he had no awareness of them because he had a large amount of neutral pornography all together. Now at the time I accepted this answer, if you had a couple of images out of thousands you could be innocent of not knowing they were there. We gave him the benefit of the doubt. we also understood why he didn't tell us and believe he was working up the courage to do so. I've know him since he was younger so I didn't suspect anything and I'll admit his is he abit of coward especially about tarnishing the image my DH has of him. We continue to back him up and allowed supervised visits.

Until the court charges were brought to light and the extent of the images. This was a year later. A couple of images (BIL said) turned into hundreds (plural) , all different categorises. He didn't me and my DH this was released but it was my FIL who said to us off handed. I read them and my heart fell. I also had questions, what does inaccessible mean etc? So those hundreds of images were inaccessible but a couple weren't and so I did a quick search and took the first answer that inaccessible meant the accused didn't have access to them... Which in our eyes matched the original story: that BIL didn't know they were there and how they got there. Again we believed him yet annoyed again he didn't inform us (so that we as a family could prepare to protect him).....
A month past since that revelation and I felt things didn't start to add up anymore.
2 files is not closer to a thousand files... Does inaccessible really mean that? There was no mention about malicious software to create those images out of thin air.... Surely the investigation team are the best to consider search results and parameters? How does someone even come across these?!
That's when I looked again at what inaccessible means and from definition it's simply that they were deleted or moved... But had left an imprint on the device, which the team can see what the file was and recover it. So unfortunately I dont know for sure if they were viewed before or simply deleted because they were mass deleted..... But again, that does not (in my opinion) equate to the original story.

I have now my suspicions. I worry for my children. I feel BIL, being the baby of the family, is grooming them all and that he could in fact groom my children when he is able (when his sentence is up/lifted).

My DH, I love him, but I have strong belief he will never believe my suspicions and quite frankly believe BIL is no threat.

I'm stuck in the position that it really is me against his family and he'll choose his family.

I've accepted that I may never convince him but then how can I ensure that BIL is not able to be a threat? If I divorce can I demand full custody to ensure they can not see BIL without supervision? Would that be guaranteed? Or should I maintain the marriage (which honestly was fine before this massive upheaval) but be that always vigilant hovering mother and manipulate events so that BIL is never alone with the children without offend DH. I know I would like to have the cut all ties off, but am I doing that to spite my face or, although more stressful and long term, be the one in control... Keep your friends close keep your enemies closer phrase comes to mind.

Still awaiting on BIL final sentence but if he's still allowed supervised visits am I able to anonymously ask SS to apply stricter rules without DH knowing so I can at least not have to start this vigilante/passive aggressive action to block BIL interaction immediately?

"Would you want a known paedophile to have regular access to your children? No, then why are you letting him have access just because you share a surname?"

Has your BIL been convicted yet?

If he is convicted, it is likely he will be given a court order preventing him from having contact with children under 16. He is likely to go on the sex offenders register. It is likely he will be given a sex offender managing officer who he needs to declare everyone he visits to.

In short, it he is found to be having unsupervised access to your kids, he will get into more shit for it. As well as the potential risk it puts your kids at. Perhaps you could sell it like this to DH?

In your position, knowing what I know in the line of work I do, I would be kicking your husband out for taking BIL side and putting your kids at risk.

@WinniesHunny

"Would you want a known paedophile to have regular access to your children? No, then why are you letting him have access just because you share a surname?"

I either choose to leave the love of my life, with potentially no guarantee that BIL wouldn't have contact with them (through ex HD).

Or stay in the marriage and figure out other ways to restrict this access i.e SS

I'm between a rock and a hard place and I may have to choose the lesser evil.

Anyone been in this situation (or is perhaps this isn't the best sub forum)?

I would honestly get legal advice and find out if you would be able to get sole custody with only supervised contact for your H until your DC are old enough to be safe from their uncle.

Then decide your next step.

I’d refuse to allow BIL any contact at all, and tell your children in an age appropriate way to stay away from him.

I really wouldn’t give a shit about either BIL’s feeling a or H’s feelings when it comes to the safety of my young children.

If it's got as far as court, then your DH is burying his head in the sand about the seriousness of this.

They always try to claim it was downloaded "by accident". The police are used to claims like this and the evidence against him will be strong. It has to be, because juries can be reluctant to convict otherwise.

I think it might help to have someone outside of your family, someone with experience in this area, to talk to your DH. He needs to lose the rose tinted glasses.

FIL doesnt believe him, that's why he dropped it in so casually.

So I'd tell FH what you've said here and if wants a divorce he can have it, complete with the details being brought up in court. If he even indicates he will allow BIL, a convicted sex offender, I dont think it will reflect well on him and access to his kids.

I can't answer your questions, but what an awful situation to be in. Funny isn't it how all of these men found with child abuse images don't know how they got onto their computer, they were hacked, they were researching a book?

He's a paedophile, pure and simple, and your children will always be at risk around him. Those who pay for child abuse images create the market for it, so he's as vile as those who produce it. I imagine he'll be put on the sex offenders register for a few years.

I would leave my husband if he didn't agree with me to keep my children safe from a paedophile, and I would move heaven and earth to make sure they had no contact with my children.

Do not let your husband and his family minimise this. Your children's safety is the most important thing.

The ‘lesser evil’ is keeping your children safe no matter the consequences. I cannot believe you are questioning this!

@TurquoiseDragon

If it's got as far as court, then your DH is burying his head in the sand about the seriousness of this.

They always try to claim it was downloaded "by accident". The police are used to claims like this and the evidence against him will be strong. It has to be, because juries can be reluctant to convict otherwise.

I think it might help to have someone outside of your family, someone with experience in this area, to talk to your DH. He needs to lose the rose tinted glasses.

Exactly this. There must be compelling evidence for it to be going to court. Your DH is being extremely naive if he believes your BIL.

Wait for sentencing. Things will look different at that point.

You need to speak to social services and get legal advice. You don't get a free will choice in this once he is convicted. If you fail to protect your children Social services will act against you.

I don’t understand why you didn’t listen to SS at the beginning.

@ClitorisAllsorts

The ‘lesser evil’ is keeping your children safe no matter the consequences. I cannot believe you are questioning this!

I may have my own rose tinted glasses on, I'll admit. No matter what I'll be in serious pain if I stay or leave.

Your husband is in very, very deep denial. I'd be shattering those rose-coloured glasses of his. Your childrens' safety depends on it.

I wouldn't initially leave DH. I would protect my dc however. If you said that you didn't want your dc to see BIL ever again supervised or not, what would he say?

If he is convicted he shouldn't be allowed to see them anyway. If he gets off I would still always suspect. He hasn't been honest so far.

Is there any family liaison officer at the relevant police station who could speak with you about this and give advice?

How awful.
But it's not "your suspicions" that are the issue, you've been warned by SS not to let your children have unsupervised contact with BiL. If you allow unsupervised contact, the end result could be your children being removed from you, whether or not any of you personally believe that he is guilty.
By indecent images, presumably you mean photographs of child abuse? as opposed to "neutral" porn? I don't know what is neutral about porn, most of it has someone abused in order to make it. Thousands of images suggests he is deeply involved in this seedy world. "Neutral' is just an attempt to normalise what is actually disgusting abusive behaviour.
If he is convicted, I think the conviction stays on his record for ever. This won't disappear after a few years, or after he has served a sentence.

You are right to be worried about your children, and it is probably best that you keep them close - if you were to divorce DH , sadly I suspect it would be difficult to stop him from having contact with the children, and it is probalbly only in the event of actual breach - ie BiL having unsupervised contact, maybe even doing something, that contact would be stopped. After long court battles and damage already done.

You know your instincts are right. You are going to have to stand up to DH on this one. You don't have to convince him that your view is right, only that you are not prepared to go against SS recommendation as you are not prepared to risk having your children removed.
Sorry you are in such an awful situation.

Social services don't tell you to stop contact for no reason. Stop allowing a known paedophile any kind of contact with your child.

They're you're priority.

Tell your DH there's no more contact or he needs to leave and you'll take him to court in order to keep the children safe. It's that simple.

Sorry.

@FrancescaContini

I don’t understand why you didn’t listen to SS at the beginning.

SS has only contacted once and it was supervised visits. This was adhere to. We are still awaiting the final verdict in court so there may be more restrictions..we haven't gone against any of the SS advice and don't plan to if there is more. I was more asking once the sentence was up or lifted if I can still apply "no access" rules.

Are you able to talk to anyone in real life? I absolutely agree with pp who have advised seeking advice re supervised contact only for your DH if he is unable to guarantee that he won't allow his B to have contact. How will you manage things like your DC friendship groups and BIL possible access to them if at your house? You're not going to be in house all time together even if you remain with him, I'd be anxious at each trip out in the car/when I wasn't around at home etc if I couldn't trust the DH to not allow a visit from his B.

I’m a detective and have dealt with so many cases of indecent images.

Do not allow this man access to your children.

Op he knew those images were there, he accessed them and he actively sought them out there is no other explanation. Its not easy to get images as far as im aware and most people wouldn't know where to begin. Anything bil tells you is lies.
I'd go back to ss and tell them that your dh believes bil you believe he cannot keep his children safe because of this and ask them to step in. They are counting on you and your dh being a protective factor because you are aware of the risks and you will keep your dc safe as a consequence but your dh cannot protect your dc until he knows and accepts the truth. Ss can spell it out to your dh, they can once the investigation is done tell you the facts and the consequences for your dc if you don't follow their advice. Eg child protection investigations.

My feeling is that you’re more likely to keep your kids away from this man from inside your marriage.

You need to address why your husband isn't taking this seriously.
Also, do you know why his computer was seized by the police? Could it be that he has been reported for something that they are unable to prosecute him for due to lack of evidence.

@TurquoiseDragon

If it's got as far as court, then your DH is burying his head in the sand about the seriousness of this.

They always try to claim it was downloaded "by accident". The police are used to claims like this and the evidence against him will be strong. It has to be, because juries can be reluctant to convict otherwise.

I think it might help to have someone outside of your family, someone with experience in this area, to talk to your DH. He needs to lose the rose tinted glasses.

Exactly my thinking. You don't get taken to court on a whim. The CPS will be pretty damn sure about its evidence.