BIL charged indecent images. DH's favourite person

[LotinLife]

Need some advice on how to 1. Save our marriage 2. Whilst protecting our young children 3. Living with the fact that you're the only one that suspects.

So, BIL, who I've known for 15+ years and has always been a close relative. Knew him since he was a young teenager. My DH (older by 9+ years) loves him and has quoted on a number of occasions that he is his favourite person and has unconditional love for him. DH of course loves his children and they too are his favourite persons. Anyway, DH and BIL relationship is extremely close and has been commented on how close they are by all members of family and friends.

However, in the past year we were contacted by SS that he was charged with possession of indecent images and that he was to have no unsupervised visits with our children. Of course that came as a shock. SS apologised that in fact they should've contacted us earlier.
BIL hadn't told us anything.

But being a family we wanted to hear both sides (SS didn't go into the details). BIL broke down to DH via call and said that there was a couple of files to believed were found and he had no awareness of them because he had a large amount of neutral pornography all together. Now at the time I accepted this answer, if you had a couple of images out of thousands you could be innocent of not knowing they were there. We gave him the benefit of the doubt. we also understood why he didn't tell us and believe he was working up the courage to do so. I've know him since he was younger so I didn't suspect anything and I'll admit his is he abit of coward especially about tarnishing the image my DH has of him. We continue to back him up and allowed supervised visits.

Until the court charges were brought to light and the extent of the images. This was a year later. A couple of images (BIL said) turned into hundreds (plural) , all different categorises. He didn't me and my DH this was released but it was my FIL who said to us off handed. I read them and my heart fell. I also had questions, what does inaccessible mean etc? So those hundreds of images were inaccessible but a couple weren't and so I did a quick search and took the first answer that inaccessible meant the accused didn't have access to them... Which in our eyes matched the original story: that BIL didn't know they were there and how they got there. Again we believed him yet annoyed again he didn't inform us (so that we as a family could prepare to protect him).....
A month past since that revelation and I felt things didn't start to add up anymore.
2 files is not closer to a thousand files... Does inaccessible really mean that? There was no mention about malicious software to create those images out of thin air.... Surely the investigation team are the best to consider search results and parameters? How does someone even come across these?!
That's when I looked again at what inaccessible means and from definition it's simply that they were deleted or moved... But had left an imprint on the device, which the team can see what the file was and recover it. So unfortunately I dont know for sure if they were viewed before or simply deleted because they were mass deleted..... But again, that does not (in my opinion) equate to the original story.

I have now my suspicions. I worry for my children. I feel BIL, being the baby of the family, is grooming them all and that he could in fact groom my children when he is able (when his sentence is up/lifted).

My DH, I love him, but I have strong belief he will never believe my suspicions and quite frankly believe BIL is no threat.

I'm stuck in the position that it really is me against his family and he'll choose his family.

I've accepted that I may never convince him but then how can I ensure that BIL is not able to be a threat? If I divorce can I demand full custody to ensure they can not see BIL without supervision? Would that be guaranteed? Or should I maintain the marriage (which honestly was fine before this massive upheaval) but be that always vigilant hovering mother and manipulate events so that BIL is never alone with the children without offend DH. I know I would like to have the cut all ties off, but am I doing that to spite my face or, although more stressful and long term, be the one in control... Keep your friends close keep your enemies closer phrase comes to mind.

Still awaiting on BIL final sentence but if he's still allowed supervised visits am I able to anonymously ask SS to apply stricter rules without DH knowing so I can at least not have to start this vigilante/passive aggressive action to block BIL interaction immediately?

I would go and see a solicitor and possibly social services asap and explain to them that your dh cares more about his brother’s feelings than protecting his own dc. Surely he can’t be allowed custody because he and his family refuse to accept that his paedophile brother is a danger. Don’t leave this, please act now.

@CantStandMeCow

My feeling is that you’re more likely to keep your kids away from this man from inside your marriage.

That's my thinking too. I wouldn't count on being able to restrict your husband's visits with the children on the basis that he might let them be around his brother.

I'd refuse access and I'd tell my husband why; because his brother has looked at indecent images. I know that will be painful for your DH to process, but it's not a punishment, it's a consequence, your BIL can't be trusted and you are prioritising your children.

Men who do this always lie, I've sat in Court and heard those lies one that comes to mind is a man who accidentally downloaded images of extreme child abuse, over 100,000 of them of the worst category of images from various different sites - accidentally my arse. No, the Court didn't buy it and yes he was convicted.

Keep this man away from your children for ever whatever you have to do to ensure that.

I agree with sweetbellyhigh.
Talk to SS and the NSPCC. Stop talking to your DH and stop trying to convince him, start treating him as a risk.

Obviously tell them something now, to help them protect themselves, but something age appropriate.

@SilverCatStripes

If your DH is “the love of your life” then why isn’t he listening to you ?

Not to sound self pitying but he may be mine, but I may not be his.... Certainly feels like that the past few weeks. Feelings are complicated as Wondergirl has highlighted. Love can also be equal but very different between a wife and a sibling (from husband perspective)

Is there only me that has thought maybe your husband is more involved than he lets on or there's a reason they're so close.

Convicted or not. He's guilty. He has inappropriate thoughts and feelings for children. As the mother of a sexual abuse victim please protect your kids, it hurts less than the alternative believe me.

DH and you both need to give your heads a wobble and more - if BIL was convicted of murder would DH deny that too? If your BIL is always 'innocent' according to DH you have to make decisions.

Yes feelings are complicated… except; feelings around willingly exposing your child to a paedophile really aren’t that complicated.

You just don’t do it.

a lot of people slagging OP off without actually thinking of what she is asking.

If you were to divorce your DH, you wont be able to police where your DC are when they are not in your care, and if your DH doesnt want to open his eyes to BIL, then ti is possible he will allow contact without your knowledge. Obviously staying married will allow you more knowledge and control over when/how they see BIL.

I think until a decision is made in court, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. And even then, a difficult conversation with DH is needed.

My fear (whether this be rational or not) would be even allowing supervised contact with (if convicted) a known paedophile may raise eyebrows with SS regarding you putting your children in danger - maybe this is a way you could put to your DH.

I imagine this is horrific for him, to find out his DB is potentially a sex offender, but other posters are right that he is burying his head int he sand. For this to even get to court, the CPS have found enough evidence and have deemed it that a jury are 'more likely than not' to find him guilty. People don't just stumble across child porn, its not an easily accesible thing, especially not thousands of images.

Your DH has a right to protect his children, surely he will not pick his brother over the potential saftey of his children? Maybe you will just need to lay down the law. If DH continues to have a relationship with his DB then fine, but your children will not until they are adulting age where they can make their own decision.

The children are the ones that need putting at the forefront and everyone int he family should understand why you would not want your children around a (potentially) convicted sex offender

Your bil is the worst kind of human, if your husband wants a relationship with him he just as bad

I'd be getting rid of the toxic pair, maybe give your husband a choice and if he picks bil you know where u stand

@sweetbellyhigh

It is people like you we read about in serious case reviews, parents and trusted adults who were fully informed about the grave risk to a child in their care who ignored the warning.

Given your propensity for denial, you would be wise to engage with therapy to navigate this safely.

I think you have a lot of work to do.

Of course you cannot allow your children tp be in the care of a sex offender or someone who will facilitate contact with a sex offender , that you ever entertained this is terrifying.

It may be that SS challenge you as a fit parent if they get wind of how dismissive you have been of their very clear instructions.

You need to wake up. Get legal advice, sign up for therapy, put anything and everything in place to not only keep your children safe but tp make it crystal clear to authorities that you are doing the right thing.

Whether or not your marriage survives will depend on your husband's willingness to take the situation seriously.
Idiot.

You must have not read my posts fully.

I have not broken any rules set out by SS. All contact currently is supervised visits and still are until sentencing.

I want to apply more rules outside this if I can, and how.

Your OH needs to be in court and hear all the evidence - that might help convince him of the danger. It would be dreadful if this broke up your marriage - I am sure he cares about his children but it just ignorant of the risks. Hopefully a day in court will open his eyes. You need to be able to absolutely trust him over no contact if your BIL is found guilty.

Serious stuff this - someone I know had a son who was abused by a paedophile neighbour when he was small never recovered from this - he took his own life in his teens.

Can you line up similar evidence to try and convince your OH?

Your dh needs to appreciate that if he does not actively seek to protect his children from this known paedophile, that he himself will become someone SS will keep the children away from.

Or to put it rather more bluntly you have a duty to protect your children, they cannot protect themselves. You're all being and have been groomed by this evil sick disgusting man.

Please don't minimise. ONE IMAGE IS ONE TOO MANY - what if that image was your daughter? Are you reassured there are no images of your DC.....you need to start searching and probing and leave no stone unturned.

There seems to be a big chasm where discussion between you and your husband should be

Have you actually said to your husband "I am sorry to say this, darling, but I don't believe BIL, I think he is lying about the extent of this and I am concerned about our children. I do not want them to see him, ever again. If you want to see him I cannot stop you but he must have no involvement with our children whatsoever"

What has he said to that, if you've said that?

Paedophiles are manipulative. I’ve known 2 mothers who allowed convicted paedophiles into their homes and strongly protested their convictions were all a mistake.
I find it very concerning your DHs loyalties appear to be with his brother, not with his children.
BIL shouldn’t have even supervised access with your children, if/when he’s convicted imagine how you’ll feel and your children in the future when they look back at this.
If he’s convicted there’ll be many conditions as pps have said. Breaking any of these, by himself or family members breaking them, will lead tonSS involvement ( quite rightly)
Staying with your H means you’ll have more control over who has contact with your children. But he needs to see the reality of the situation.

Your husband needs to choose between his children or his BIL.

You don't need to do the choosing

Save your kids, your marriage isn't worth saving, you're married to a peodophile sympathiser fgs.

I'll shut up now. Can you tell I'm upset?

Matters like this are not taken to court lightly, there will be lots of evidence

Your dh is nuts if he puts his brother before his kids, and tbh if he did I would be leaving, taking the kids and contacting Ss for restricted access for dh and to be done supervised at contact centres as he simply can’t be trusted to not put them in danger

"I have not broken any rules set out by SS. All contact currently is supervised visits and still are until sentencing."

How much time do you spend with the BIL anyway??

I have not broken any rules set out by SS. All contact currently is supervised visits and still are until sentencing.

But why are you allowing supervised visits? Regardless of what SS say.

He lied to you. You know it's not anything like what he claimed. If he was oh so innocent he wouldn't have had to lie. The man gets sexual gratification from children and you're allowing him around yours.

@redambergreengo

Is there only me that has thought maybe your husband is more involved than he lets on or there's a reason they're so close.

Convicted or not. He's guilty. He has inappropriate thoughts and feelings for children. As the mother of a sexual abuse victim please protect your kids, it hurts less than the alternative believe me.

@redambergreengo - this is exactly what I was thinking - either her DH is involved in some way or something along the lines of abuse between them.

This makes me feel sick though.