BIL charged indecent images. DH's favourite person

[LotinLife]

Need some advice on how to 1. Save our marriage 2. Whilst protecting our young children 3. Living with the fact that you're the only one that suspects.

So, BIL, who I've known for 15+ years and has always been a close relative. Knew him since he was a young teenager. My DH (older by 9+ years) loves him and has quoted on a number of occasions that he is his favourite person and has unconditional love for him. DH of course loves his children and they too are his favourite persons. Anyway, DH and BIL relationship is extremely close and has been commented on how close they are by all members of family and friends.

However, in the past year we were contacted by SS that he was charged with possession of indecent images and that he was to have no unsupervised visits with our children. Of course that came as a shock. SS apologised that in fact they should've contacted us earlier.
BIL hadn't told us anything.

But being a family we wanted to hear both sides (SS didn't go into the details). BIL broke down to DH via call and said that there was a couple of files to believed were found and he had no awareness of them because he had a large amount of neutral pornography all together. Now at the time I accepted this answer, if you had a couple of images out of thousands you could be innocent of not knowing they were there. We gave him the benefit of the doubt. we also understood why he didn't tell us and believe he was working up the courage to do so. I've know him since he was younger so I didn't suspect anything and I'll admit his is he abit of coward especially about tarnishing the image my DH has of him. We continue to back him up and allowed supervised visits.

Until the court charges were brought to light and the extent of the images. This was a year later. A couple of images (BIL said) turned into hundreds (plural) , all different categorises. He didn't me and my DH this was released but it was my FIL who said to us off handed. I read them and my heart fell. I also had questions, what does inaccessible mean etc? So those hundreds of images were inaccessible but a couple weren't and so I did a quick search and took the first answer that inaccessible meant the accused didn't have access to them... Which in our eyes matched the original story: that BIL didn't know they were there and how they got there. Again we believed him yet annoyed again he didn't inform us (so that we as a family could prepare to protect him).....
A month past since that revelation and I felt things didn't start to add up anymore.
2 files is not closer to a thousand files... Does inaccessible really mean that? There was no mention about malicious software to create those images out of thin air.... Surely the investigation team are the best to consider search results and parameters? How does someone even come across these?!
That's when I looked again at what inaccessible means and from definition it's simply that they were deleted or moved... But had left an imprint on the device, which the team can see what the file was and recover it. So unfortunately I dont know for sure if they were viewed before or simply deleted because they were mass deleted..... But again, that does not (in my opinion) equate to the original story.

I have now my suspicions. I worry for my children. I feel BIL, being the baby of the family, is grooming them all and that he could in fact groom my children when he is able (when his sentence is up/lifted).

My DH, I love him, but I have strong belief he will never believe my suspicions and quite frankly believe BIL is no threat.

I'm stuck in the position that it really is me against his family and he'll choose his family.

I've accepted that I may never convince him but then how can I ensure that BIL is not able to be a threat? If I divorce can I demand full custody to ensure they can not see BIL without supervision? Would that be guaranteed? Or should I maintain the marriage (which honestly was fine before this massive upheaval) but be that always vigilant hovering mother and manipulate events so that BIL is never alone with the children without offend DH. I know I would like to have the cut all ties off, but am I doing that to spite my face or, although more stressful and long term, be the one in control... Keep your friends close keep your enemies closer phrase comes to mind.

Still awaiting on BIL final sentence but if he's still allowed supervised visits am I able to anonymously ask SS to apply stricter rules without DH knowing so I can at least not have to start this vigilante/passive aggressive action to block BIL interaction immediately?

@implantreplace - I don't mean by 'don't demonise' that the OP should not look with total clarity at the danger this man poses to children. I don't mean she should allow him access to the children. I don't mean she personally has to forgive/ understand - but when a family member commits a serious crime I think it is acceptable for people to have complex feelings

That is life - the brother may need time to work out how he feels about his brother. His brother has lied and that adds a further layer of concern - but what I mean is it is possible to take practical steps of child protection while allowing the husband here the space to have complex feelings of revulsion/ anger/ pity/ compassion towards his sibling.

Why are you commenting so much on your DH and BIL being so close? You don't think your DH interfered with BIL do you?

What relative is BIL to your DH?

No, I wouldn't want my children to have contact with BIL at all and your DH should back you up with this, despite how close he is with BIL and this must shock/hurt him.

Oh he's your DH's younger brother.

This happened in my family. We were drip fed very plausible reasons why the photos were there etc. Parents in denial etc. etc.

When we read the transcripts of the court case we realised that we had all been lied to and that he had already moved on from photos to actual abuse. Parents are still in denial as they just can't allow themselves to believe it is true of their son and are very attached to their standing in society etc. They have clearly put their needs above the children in the wider family and the person in question may have been abused themselves, another failure of his parents.

Your broader family unit has already been destroyed as well as your marriage if your husband can't put the protection of your children first, You need to concentrate on making sure the next generation are safe.

Go no contact and yes get legal advice now about how you go about protecting your children if you divorce. Try and get counselling for you and your husband so that an independent person can try and support you and make your husband understands the very, very serious risk to your children.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

[quote Wondergirl100]@implantreplace - I don't mean by 'don't demonise' that the OP should not look with total clarity at the danger this man poses to children. I don't mean she should allow him access to the children. I don't mean she personally has to forgive/ understand - but when a family member commits a serious crime I think it is acceptable for people to have complex feelings

That is life - the brother may need time to work out how he feels about his brother. His brother has lied and that adds a further layer of concern - but what I mean is it is possible to take practical steps of child protection while allowing the husband here the space to have complex feelings of revulsion/ anger/ pity/ compassion towards his sibling.[/quote]
If we were talking about shop lifting - I’d agree
But given what we are talking about
Absolutely nothing wrong with demonising the BIL if found guilty and convicted

This will not be a popular view but I tell you as my opinion - it is natural your husband wants to support and forgive his brother and I think it is healthy to allow space for that. That is a separate issue to whether your brother in law poses a risk to children.

Nothing natural at all about wanting to maintain a relationship with someone who enjoys looking at children being raped.

To add to that - if the OP fears the brother is grooming people/ lying still - she is absolutely correct to listen to that instinct.

What might help is counselling and a calm space to convince the husband of the lies/ the danger his brother poses - it's natural it will take him longer to accept this.

Your children will probably disown you once they're of an age to be independent.
how are you going to explain to young adults that You allowed their uncle, a known paedophile, to be around them. Supervised or not.
How is your DH going to explain that one?
Because they will find out and they'll probably find out from an early age via parents at school.
You have been ridiculously naive, if there were a nonce handbook, your bil has been quoting it.

What he needs to do is attend court and listen to all the detail

I'm not defending the man who has been convicted, Im trying to point out (to help the OP work through this) that it is natural her husband is struggling to come to terms with this. She will need to work with his real reactions and feelings to get to a place where he understands the risk his brother poses.

Yeah I was going to suggest your DH actually attends court. It’s harder to minimise then.

Your BIL crimes have made him a pariah. Awful as this is your DH needs to realise that this ‘man’ is a risk to your children and all children.
In your situation I would divorce my DP if that was the only way to keep my children from this awful man, and seek the advice of the police, SS and a solicitor regarding sole custody given that your DH Would probably have the kids around this sec offender.

You meed to talk to your DH.

There's no way I would allow this man access to my kids supervised or otherwise they come first. DH can have a relationship with him if he chooses but the would be the end of it for me.

You don't get a second chance to safeguard your kids.

How old are your children?

I think I would say no seeing BIL until after the trial and sentencing. This may appease DH and keep the peace for now.

Once BIL has been convicted and sentenced DH will have to deal with the fact that his brother is guilty and did do these things. He may need space or counseling to come to terms with it but he may get to the 'never seeing BIL again' on his own quite quickly.

He is probably expecting (or willing) the court to say 'oh no we made a mistake oops you are innocent after all'

@Wondergirl100

I'm not defending the man who has been convicted, Im trying to point out (to help the OP work through this) that it is natural her husband is struggling to come to terms with this. She will need to work with his real reactions and feelings to get to a place where he understands the risk his brother poses.

I will give you benefit of doubt that you missed this

* My DH, I love him, but I have strong belief he will never believe my suspicions and quite frankly believe BIL is no threat.*

If your DH is “the love of your life” then why isn’t he listening to you ?

I’d stay with your husband so you can stop this man seeing your kids then divorce him as soon as the youngest turns 18 to be honest.

I’d rather have a miserable marriage but keep my kids safe.

Oh god, I'd be so terrified that he had already done something to my children.

I don't know how you can keep your children safe from a husband who won't recognise the danger and looks likely to neglect his responsibilities as a father. I understand very well your instinct to stay in the marriage so that you don't have to let your children out of your sight for contact with a man who can't admit that his brother is a paedophile. I don't know what I'd do either. What an absolute nightmare, my heart really goes out to you OP.

I’ve been in this situation- also with a much younger brother.

It is hard to believe it at first - he’s the last person you’d expect, corny but true. We’re used to villains being painted in black & white, real people are far more nuanced than that. The fact that he is so much younger means I am part of the failure - I helped bring him up, I should have been the one setting him straight on internet and porn - our parents were the wrong generation. It taints every memory of his childhood. So it’s worth understanding why your DH finds it so hard to believe.

My brother had a similar story to start with. I think I let myself believe it for a few days while it sunk in. I can understand someone holding onto that for longer.

My brother had a lot of therapy, very specialised therapy, which helped him open up to us over time about how he got to that point. I went to the trial, which was very important to me to make sure I understood exactly what he’d done. It was one of the worst days of my life.

Practically speaking - take a look at the Lucy Faithful foundation. For both BIL and DH.

My brother wasn’t allowed to see my children at all after his arrest. But his conviction conditions only mean he can’t see any female children - I have boys. After his conviction we had several visits from social services, and also from the police officer dealing with the case. Social services said he couldn’t see the DC at all, then we had conversations about practicalities - eg if we saw him in the street, if the DC could go to my mums house (where he lived) if he was out. They were very clear that if we even appealed against their decision then it would be a child protection issue. So your DH might have the matter taken out of his hands.

Social services also insisted we tell the DC, who were 8 and 6, and were not impressed I hadn’t told them already. They didn’t help me work out what to say though!

I don’t think I love my brother anymore, I do still see him (not often). I have supported him practically and financially, but not emotionally. He’s still my brother. People on here would be quick to say they’d cut the person out of their life, but that would be the easy option. Facing up to our failures as a family is even harder.

DH has always gone with my wishes, but if he disagreed with any of that I’d respect that.

Don’t ever, for the rest of his life, allow him to be alone with your children, not even for minutes. When your children are adults, tell them so that you can protect your grandchildren. Don’t let your DH take them to family events without you if his head is in the sand.

If for any reason you divorce, get a prohibited steps order from the court saying they can be left with DH’s family whilst in his care.

Anyone who has worked with this sort of case will tell you the same. The images are never “there by accident” or just part of a bundle where the recipient had no idea they were there. Inaccessible means no longer accessible, as your second search told you. It’s inaccessible now, meaning probably deleted . So your BIL has probably tried to cover his tracks.

There are always thousands, there are never just one or two.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Please speak to anyone you can - whether a police officer, lawyer etc - who had dealt with this sort of case. They will tell you the same thing.

For you it might feel like there are some gray areas and having to choose the lesser of 2 evils. It would benefit you to realise, and also point out to your husband that to literally everyone else outside your marriage this is black and white.

1. You do not allow any contact between BIL (a soon to be convicted paedophile) and your children. Children can and have been abused while their parents are in the same room.
2. If your husband pushes back or goes against this divorce him. Point out to him that the simple fact is that court and social services won't care a jot whether he thinks BIL is innocent. You will tell everyone that the reason you are divorcing is because he wants your children to hsve contact with a convicted paedophile, will fight tooth and nail for full custody and supervised contact (if any) for him. And you'll get it because you will he shouting it from the rooftops why you are divorcing. It really is black and white.

OP, my DH has worked in a police unit that deals with this. One thing I think you need to know is that the police only have resources to go after the absolute worst of the worst offenders. They have no choice but to not follow up on hundreds of cases of lower level accessing of child abuse images. So if they have put resources into charging your BIL, he must have had some serious category and volume of images.

Good luck. It IS natural to still love family members regardless of what they’ve done. Especially this type of things is brutal because it’s not obvious. You don’t SEE him being evil so it’s a huge mind fuck. But you do have to protect your children. Be clear with your DH where your loyalties lie so he realised he needs to take it seriously.

I'd definitely attend court if I were you. Whether DH wants to or not.

I can understand it must be very hard for DH to believe any of this. But he really needs to know the truth so he can make an informed decision. I suspect when it all comes out he might change his mind about supporting his brother.

@CantStandMeCow

My feeling is that you’re more likely to keep your kids away from this man from inside your marriage.

This is my thought too.

But first you need to have a conversation with dh about his brother and what this now means - zero contact with him ever again.