BIL charged indecent images. DH's favourite person

[LotinLife]

Need some advice on how to 1. Save our marriage 2. Whilst protecting our young children 3. Living with the fact that you're the only one that suspects.

So, BIL, who I've known for 15+ years and has always been a close relative. Knew him since he was a young teenager. My DH (older by 9+ years) loves him and has quoted on a number of occasions that he is his favourite person and has unconditional love for him. DH of course loves his children and they too are his favourite persons. Anyway, DH and BIL relationship is extremely close and has been commented on how close they are by all members of family and friends.

However, in the past year we were contacted by SS that he was charged with possession of indecent images and that he was to have no unsupervised visits with our children. Of course that came as a shock. SS apologised that in fact they should've contacted us earlier.
BIL hadn't told us anything.

But being a family we wanted to hear both sides (SS didn't go into the details). BIL broke down to DH via call and said that there was a couple of files to believed were found and he had no awareness of them because he had a large amount of neutral pornography all together. Now at the time I accepted this answer, if you had a couple of images out of thousands you could be innocent of not knowing they were there. We gave him the benefit of the doubt. we also understood why he didn't tell us and believe he was working up the courage to do so. I've know him since he was younger so I didn't suspect anything and I'll admit his is he abit of coward especially about tarnishing the image my DH has of him. We continue to back him up and allowed supervised visits.

Until the court charges were brought to light and the extent of the images. This was a year later. A couple of images (BIL said) turned into hundreds (plural) , all different categorises. He didn't me and my DH this was released but it was my FIL who said to us off handed. I read them and my heart fell. I also had questions, what does inaccessible mean etc? So those hundreds of images were inaccessible but a couple weren't and so I did a quick search and took the first answer that inaccessible meant the accused didn't have access to them... Which in our eyes matched the original story: that BIL didn't know they were there and how they got there. Again we believed him yet annoyed again he didn't inform us (so that we as a family could prepare to protect him).....
A month past since that revelation and I felt things didn't start to add up anymore.
2 files is not closer to a thousand files... Does inaccessible really mean that? There was no mention about malicious software to create those images out of thin air.... Surely the investigation team are the best to consider search results and parameters? How does someone even come across these?!
That's when I looked again at what inaccessible means and from definition it's simply that they were deleted or moved... But had left an imprint on the device, which the team can see what the file was and recover it. So unfortunately I dont know for sure if they were viewed before or simply deleted because they were mass deleted..... But again, that does not (in my opinion) equate to the original story.

I have now my suspicions. I worry for my children. I feel BIL, being the baby of the family, is grooming them all and that he could in fact groom my children when he is able (when his sentence is up/lifted).

My DH, I love him, but I have strong belief he will never believe my suspicions and quite frankly believe BIL is no threat.

I'm stuck in the position that it really is me against his family and he'll choose his family.

I've accepted that I may never convince him but then how can I ensure that BIL is not able to be a threat? If I divorce can I demand full custody to ensure they can not see BIL without supervision? Would that be guaranteed? Or should I maintain the marriage (which honestly was fine before this massive upheaval) but be that always vigilant hovering mother and manipulate events so that BIL is never alone with the children without offend DH. I know I would like to have the cut all ties off, but am I doing that to spite my face or, although more stressful and long term, be the one in control... Keep your friends close keep your enemies closer phrase comes to mind.

Still awaiting on BIL final sentence but if he's still allowed supervised visits am I able to anonymously ask SS to apply stricter rules without DH knowing so I can at least not have to start this vigilante/passive aggressive action to block BIL interaction immediately?

Hang on - sentencing? So he's been convicted? And your husband still doesn't want to district himself and his children from him??

Do you think your husband shares his brothers hobby?

You will tell everyone that the reason you are divorcing is because he wants your children to hsve contact with a convicted paedophile, will fight tooth and nail for full custody and supervised contact (if any) for him. And you'll get it because you will he shouting it from the rooftops why you are divorcing. It really is black and white.

But would you really definitely get that? I've heard so many horror stories about women being forced to send their children for unsupervised contact with fathers who are actually abusive themselves that I'd be terrified of relying on the courts to prevent unsupervised contact with a father who had an abusive brother. Maybe if something awful had already happened, but then it would be too late. It seems like an enormous risk to me.

I understand why it might seem safer to have that control herself within the marriage, which might give her a better chance of preventing all access by the BIL. Rather than risking the ex-husband getting joint custody and subsequently allowing the BIL access without OP's knowledge.

@redambergreengo

Is there only me that has thought maybe your husband is more involved than he lets on or there's a reason they're so close.

Convicted or not. He's guilty. He has inappropriate thoughts and feelings for children. As the mother of a sexual abuse victim please protect your kids, it hurts less than the alternative believe me.

No. Please don't suggest such things about DH has I haven't even suggested it. Sorry to hear about your situation. I only have red flags on BIL (thanks to hindsight).

Haven't RTFT, just your posts, OP. If I understand you correctly, there is no urgency about the situation because your BIL isn't allowed unsupervised access to the children and you are sure your DH will comply with this. You are thinking longer term.

So I wouldn't escalate things with DH. If you are sure quite your kids aren't in immediate danger from their uncle, there is time for your DH to accept that his brother is dangerous. This must be one of the most crushing blows of his (your DH's) life. The fact he hasn't instantly cut all ties with his brother and is still trying to believe his brother is innocent doesn't mean he won't manage to get his head around it and do the right thing, especially as more evidence comes to light. I would be patient with him for the time being.

@LotinLife

I have send you a PM . There is a lot of advice on here but I suspect not many have personal knowledge of these circumstances. It is a very emotive subject (with good reason) and provokes visceral responses from people.

I'm with you in that I would try to prevent access if you can, but it is not that straightforward if your DH (and the children's father) wants to allow supervised access in accordance with restrictions placed by Children's Services. You need to try to make your DH see the risks - its the only way forward really.

If the court proceedings are not complete then I would attend with your DH so you can't have his family minimise or lie. Read the judgment. Remember you have been lied to about the 'couple of images' and possibly when inaccessible (purged) images are mentioned. Image don't get purged by accident, only when an offender thinks they will be investigated. Understand what the content involves when the relevant levels of image are discussed and how terribly grim the content will be so they can't minimise it. Be able to quote from the proceedings if necessary to PILs. Many family members won't disown this filth but they might need to understand the consequences to their DGC if they put them at risk.

Based on the above, tell your DH you do not want your DC to have any contact with BIL and, if necessary, with PIL if there has been minimising or a risk of subsequent 'accidental' (planned) contact. Discuss with social services and have them set out if they will clear guidance. Read the Sex Offender register requirements if in the UK though this may not apply in domestic environments, the constraints might be a useful parallel.

If your DH doesn't agree or seeks to take the easy course with his family then make it clear what his weakness will involve and follow through with any ultimatum.

Good luck.

Yeah I think if you left the marriage you would find it difficult to stop BIL from having access. You may find if he ends up on the sex offenders register though you have leverage here in terms of whether social services believe your DH is competent to safeguard your kids.

Oh I may have misread that redambergreengo and got defensive. I believe I understand what you're saying (innocently?) and BIL was a victim..Perhaps, but in our 15+ relationship nothing has surfaced or hints of.

I have not broken any rules set out by SS. All contact currently is supervised visits and still are until sentencing.

It's shocking that you allow this man to be anywhere near your children.

@Rinatinabina

Yeah I think if you left the marriage you would find it difficult to stop BIL from having access. You may find if he ends up on the sex offenders register though you have leverage here in terms of whether social services believe your DH is competent to safeguard your kids.

He's almost certainly going to end up on the register.

Why shouldn't I suggest it? You need to open your eyes. Your husband refuses to believe his brother is guilty. You need to be open minded. He's putting his feelings about his brother before the most precious and important things in his life. Maybe they're both as bad as each other but only BIL been caught.

@ClitorisAllsorts

The ‘lesser evil’ is keeping your children safe no matter the consequences. I cannot believe you are questioning this!

She isn't.

I suspect OP is wondering whether, in the worst case scenario where BIL is convicted and DH doesn't believe in the severity of the offence and then when BIL has his sentence complete and any restrictions are lifted.

a) staying with DH will protect the kids better, even if she will have lost all respect for him and won't actually trust him

b) A divorce, from a man she loves who has not committed any offence, would allow her to insist that he doesn't get unsupervised visitation because he wouldn't prevent his DB from seeing the kids.

That's the dilemma many women have. Many choose to stay to have more direct control. Many leave and hope that the courst will help them.

OP is asking for help in working through that dilemma.

I have messaged you OP.

@redambergreengo

Is there only me that has thought maybe your husband is more involved than he lets on or there's a reason they're so close.

Convicted or not. He's guilty. He has inappropriate thoughts and feelings for children. As the mother of a sexual abuse victim please protect your kids, it hurts less than the alternative believe me.

I thought this too, especially with the OP saying that her DH loves his brother unconditionally, then adding her DH loves his kids unconditionally too.

Most people would put spouse/ children before siblings. My DH has two brothers, and I know he loves them, but wouldn’t go on about how he loves them unconditionally. It seems a bit ‘off’.

I would lay down my boundaries here. IF, you DH wants to continue to see his brother then he sees him outside the home. He does not bring him or invite him to your home and he is to stay away from you and your children. I would be worried about divorce because it means that half the week, more or less, you would have no say where they are or who they’re with.

You need to stop all visits to BIL now. Today. How can you allow your children around him knowing his feelings towards children?!

@Saracen

Haven't RTFT, just your posts, OP. If I understand you correctly, there is no urgency about the situation because your BIL isn't allowed unsupervised access to the children and you are sure your DH will comply with this. You are thinking longer term.

So I wouldn't escalate things with DH. If you are sure quite your kids aren't in immediate danger from their uncle, there is time for your DH to accept that his brother is dangerous. This must be one of the most crushing blows of his (your DH's) life. The fact he hasn't instantly cut all ties with his brother and is still trying to believe his brother is innocent doesn't mean he won't manage to get his head around it and do the right thing, especially as more evidence comes to light. I would be patient with him for the time being.

Listen to this OP.

OP,

You need to involve SS yourself and tell them what you have written here.

That your marriage is likely to end as your husband will sacrifice his children to his paedophile brother, rather than face the truth.

Your husband is prepared for your childrens lives, childhood and mental health to be collateral damage to his brothers paedophilia.

That is the truth.

Tell SS the truth and request THEIR intervention.

Putting this down on paper, formally, via a solicitor, will probably be your best bet.

Your husband sounds closer to his brother in character than you know.

It is not normal to be willing to sacrifice your children like that.

Certainly not the actions of a genuinely loving father.

Very difficult for you OP but they need on decent parent that is prepared to protect them.

My feeling is that you’re more likely to keep your kids away from this man from inside your marriage.

I suspect this as well - but I'd suggest working hard to get DH and to lesser extent IL on-side with no contact.

Quite a few posters have suggested groups with experience in this area - I'd seek them out and see what support and guidance they have to offer.

There is no defence of a pedophile, pedophile enabler, sympathiser et al in my book. For every one abused child there is a whole host of relatives and friends whose lives are irrevocably changed forever.

Please don't defend your husband. He has no defence. He does have a choice to make though and you owe it to your children. What you're dealing with is awful but nowhere near as bad as the questions you'll have to answer when as adults they want to know why uncle snakes belly was allowed anywhere near them.

OP - my ex-BIL was on the sex offenders register for something worse.

My ex didn't spend much time with him and wasn't fighting for him to see our DS but when me and ex split up I contacted social services just to confirm that they would re-iterate to ex that BIL wouldn't have any contact. Didn't stop it happening at things like family events, Christmases etc and when I've contacted social services about it they weren't bothered as it wasnt unsupervised and a solicitor advised there was no point taking it to court as it wasn't so bad of my ex as to give me sole custody

I'm very close to my brother and he's one of my favourite people but if there was so much as a whiff that he was a paedophile I'd cut him off immediately no question. Your husband cares more about his brother than his own kids and quite frankly I don't understand how you can bear to be around him.

Keep your enemies close. You can have more control in the marriage than you will without. How can you guarantee your DP won't allow the children to see him on his contact time?

You are in a difficult position, there’s no doubt. Zero contact for the kids seems the only sensible route to me. It may be that your DH will not cut contact and that’s down to him but he needs to see he is putting his children at risk (and not an acceptable one) if he tries to facilitate contact with children. I wouldn’t leave your DH as I do think you have more control that way. I would keep powder dry until you know what further restrictions may be in place, then you can enforce them. I think it would be hard to get supervised visitation for your DH if you split as he hasn’t done anything against official advice yet objectively.

By no-contact I mean no contact with the children at all - and if DH still see his brother to try and get it outside your home.

I think my worry would be family gatherings without you there as IME everyone tends to think everyone else is watching the kids - or that they would see any worrying behavior and step in when perhaps that wouldn't be the reality.