BIL charged indecent images. DH's favourite person

[LotinLife]

Need some advice on how to 1. Save our marriage 2. Whilst protecting our young children 3. Living with the fact that you're the only one that suspects.

So, BIL, who I've known for 15+ years and has always been a close relative. Knew him since he was a young teenager. My DH (older by 9+ years) loves him and has quoted on a number of occasions that he is his favourite person and has unconditional love for him. DH of course loves his children and they too are his favourite persons. Anyway, DH and BIL relationship is extremely close and has been commented on how close they are by all members of family and friends.

However, in the past year we were contacted by SS that he was charged with possession of indecent images and that he was to have no unsupervised visits with our children. Of course that came as a shock. SS apologised that in fact they should've contacted us earlier.
BIL hadn't told us anything.

But being a family we wanted to hear both sides (SS didn't go into the details). BIL broke down to DH via call and said that there was a couple of files to believed were found and he had no awareness of them because he had a large amount of neutral pornography all together. Now at the time I accepted this answer, if you had a couple of images out of thousands you could be innocent of not knowing they were there. We gave him the benefit of the doubt. we also understood why he didn't tell us and believe he was working up the courage to do so. I've know him since he was younger so I didn't suspect anything and I'll admit his is he abit of coward especially about tarnishing the image my DH has of him. We continue to back him up and allowed supervised visits.

Until the court charges were brought to light and the extent of the images. This was a year later. A couple of images (BIL said) turned into hundreds (plural) , all different categorises. He didn't me and my DH this was released but it was my FIL who said to us off handed. I read them and my heart fell. I also had questions, what does inaccessible mean etc? So those hundreds of images were inaccessible but a couple weren't and so I did a quick search and took the first answer that inaccessible meant the accused didn't have access to them... Which in our eyes matched the original story: that BIL didn't know they were there and how they got there. Again we believed him yet annoyed again he didn't inform us (so that we as a family could prepare to protect him).....
A month past since that revelation and I felt things didn't start to add up anymore.
2 files is not closer to a thousand files... Does inaccessible really mean that? There was no mention about malicious software to create those images out of thin air.... Surely the investigation team are the best to consider search results and parameters? How does someone even come across these?!
That's when I looked again at what inaccessible means and from definition it's simply that they were deleted or moved... But had left an imprint on the device, which the team can see what the file was and recover it. So unfortunately I dont know for sure if they were viewed before or simply deleted because they were mass deleted..... But again, that does not (in my opinion) equate to the original story.

I have now my suspicions. I worry for my children. I feel BIL, being the baby of the family, is grooming them all and that he could in fact groom my children when he is able (when his sentence is up/lifted).

My DH, I love him, but I have strong belief he will never believe my suspicions and quite frankly believe BIL is no threat.

I'm stuck in the position that it really is me against his family and he'll choose his family.

I've accepted that I may never convince him but then how can I ensure that BIL is not able to be a threat? If I divorce can I demand full custody to ensure they can not see BIL without supervision? Would that be guaranteed? Or should I maintain the marriage (which honestly was fine before this massive upheaval) but be that always vigilant hovering mother and manipulate events so that BIL is never alone with the children without offend DH. I know I would like to have the cut all ties off, but am I doing that to spite my face or, although more stressful and long term, be the one in control... Keep your friends close keep your enemies closer phrase comes to mind.

Still awaiting on BIL final sentence but if he's still allowed supervised visits am I able to anonymously ask SS to apply stricter rules without DH knowing so I can at least not have to start this vigilante/passive aggressive action to block BIL interaction immediately?

Never marry a tennis court. Love means nothing to them.

@skipperjonce

Never marry a tennis court. Love means nothing to them.

Unless you're still at school, which is the only circumstance where 15 love is appropriate.

I realize this is critical.

However the BiL has yet to be proven guilty. I would certainly go along to the hearing with your DH if possible.

However, I have found porn on my computer - not child porn but bad enough. I'm also bombarded (though block every time) messages from Svetlana etc offering me a good time either online or locally.

It could possibly be that BiL has downloaded porn and has had a surprise nasty "gift" attached. Equally he may be very guilty.

Go to the court.

@millytilly34

I have a relative who got done for possessing nude images of children, not 'sexy' images, just nude. He got charged and sentenced. Not jailed but a big part of his sentence was that he was not allowed near children under 16, so, you don't need to worry, you can simply say you cannot break the law so It's out of your hands. Sorry you're dealing with this crap Xx

Yet another offensive expression. 'Not sexy'. Seriously, what is wrong with you? Can you not bloody see how that reads.

Same for all the 'Child porn' posters. Fucking stop it.

I beg the offenders to be more careful with how they words things.

@ screaminsauvignon. Please read my last post. I was the child who was in the photos and was not posing in any 'sexy' manner. That's what I was saying, that I was nude but not doing anything sexual, I had no idea about sex.

Whatever you do don't divorce him

Stage moment you're completely inbred know about the level of contact BIL has with DC and you have some level of control over it.

The moment you leave its open season, you'll have no knowledge and no say.

I'd be spending some time to do some in depth sessions with your children where you discuss the pants rule etc. I'd be making it clear to them that if anything ever happened with anyone, they would be believed, they would be kept safe etc.

And I'd keep an eye on DH. A paedophile apologist is just as bad in my opinion. He obviously doesn't see what his brother has done is wrong so what,is that because he doesn't think its a big deal?

@millytilly34

@ screaminsauvignon. Please read my last post. I was the child who was in the photos and was not posing in any 'sexy' manner. That's what I was saying, that I was nude but not doing anything sexual, I had no idea about sex.

I read and I am truly sorry that you were involved with such a predator.

But your initial post didn't sit right in its wording.

I didn't mean to attack you. I hope you have found peace.

This subject is so so hard to comprehend.

And I'd keep an eye on DH. A paedophile apologist is just as bad in my opinion. He obviously doesn't see what his brother has done is wrong so what,is that because he doesn't think its a big deal?

I agree with this. I am trying to think of my DH, brother, and all the men in my life minimising this. I cannot imagine anything other than a complete cut off of a man that masturbates over child rape. Though I imagine a beating along the way.....

OP, I don't know who you are or how you operate, but any person in my life that minimised anyone viewing images of the sexual abuse of children would be DEAD to me. This would include a close family member and my spouse.

@RegardingMary is sadly absolutely spot on this is exactly what happened in my family, as soon as we got divorced apparently 15 years of me telling X that family member was a physical abuser completely vanished from his memory and he actively encouraged a relationship between the abuser and my child purely out of malice

Screamingsauvignon. Hi, I know you weren't attacking me, i just wanted to explain. I have trouble with wording stuff as I'm only on 4 hours sleep at the moment! I think I should have said the photos did not show sexual abuse. I was playing, pretending to be a model and the guys lawyer called the photo 'sexy' and 'provocative'. ☹️ what a prat- I was a seven year old child! This was all a very long time ago, so don't feel bad for me. you're right that we need to watch our wording around these subjects.bad wording could make victims afraid to come forward or make them feel ashamed.

@Nothappyatwork

Sadly I talk from personal experience as well. A close family member divorced a their husband as he completely minimised their peadophillic behaviour as 'just a bit of wank fodder'. She thought it was in the best interests of her children, instead they now regularly spend huge swathes of time with this man and she can do absolutely nothing about it.

And I'd keep an eye on DH. A paedophile apologist is just as bad in my opinion. He obviously doesn't see what his brother has done is wrong so what,is that because he doesn't think its a big deal?

I really feel that people need to bare in mind that this is her DH's BROTHER. A man he's grown up with, played with as a child and lived under the same roof as his entire childhood presumably. You don't just switch that off and whatever his own feelings towards the crimes itself are you don't just love off. This absolutely doesn't excuse him doing anything that puts the children at risk and I still wouldn't be accepting any contact whatsover with the perpetrator if I was OP. However I think it's disgusting the stick he's getting on here when unless I've missed something he isn't actually condoning or denying whay his brother has done or insisting on contact with the children. It's inexcusable that people are telling OP that he might be involved IMO and this is stigmatising at its worst. Don't be so viscious especially when you have only a fraction of the story

@Coldilox

I’m a detective and have dealt with so many cases of indecent images.

Do not allow this man access to your children.

Exactly this. I would be telling my husband that BIL would not be seeing the children under any circumstances and if he didn't agree then sadly I would consider that the end of my marriage. It's not acceptable to put the feelings of an adult above the safety of your children.

@jannt86

He seems to think its perfectly acceptable for his young children to be in the presence of someone who is a paedophile.
There's a massive difference between not turning off your love for someone and giving them a free pass to mess with your kids.

Why not meet him alone, away from the kids?

@Jannt86

Big difference between continuing to love him as his brother, and trying to give him access to the children, knowing that he's a grave threat to their safety and wellbeing.

If your husband really cares for his brother he would not want him to be in any situation where something could happen or even be implied yo have happened.

Your first responsibility (and your husband's) is to your kids. Obviously. However, if your husband is struggling with this then maybe you need to frame the no contact as best for everyone.

I don't think that the BIL should be your concern, but your husband is concerned. What is the best way to make him stick to a very sensible no contact rule it might be reading the riot act etc, but it might also be phrasing it as the best way for your husband to support his brother is to ensure there are possibilities for a photo to be taken or something to be said or done that could exacerbate the situation.

*I have not been in this position, so this may well not be good advice so tread carefully but if you can find a way to get your husband to comply, this might be one of yoyr

Options.

No possibilities for a photo to be taken or something to be said or done that could exacerbate the situation.

If my DH even suggested giving a potential paedophile access to my children because of a bromance I'd LTB

@PinkCheetah

If my DH even suggested giving a potential paedophile access to my children because of a bromance I'd LTB

And then how would you protect them during his contact time? Because that's the issue here.

My oh warned his ex about his own father

She didn’t pay attention and his own father abused one of his dc.

Convicted and sentenced

Just because they’re faamily doesn’t mean they’re safe to have around kids.

I think that it’s highly likely that this wasn’t an isolated incident either.

Posted a thread about a sentence for indecent images and I'd say 100% please go to court with DH. You both need to hear it all.

These sentences are so minimal that I think he could easily downplay it to the whole family. I couldn't understand how the sentences were so short myself. I couldn't give in to any thoughts of not wanting to believe it myself but I can see how someone can potentially believe a person who said they got 6 months or a protection order as it was 'accidental'. Really, a conviction, community orders, etc. of anything length do mean they've been found guilty of something awful.

@LotinLife any update, how is your husband feeling. Have you been able to arrange to go to the trial?