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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that buying a puppy is NOT like having a baby.

430 replies

annoyedfr · 16/03/2022 11:35

After TTC, 9 months of a difficult pregnancy, a traumatic 48 hour labour which ended with me having sepsis and baby in SCBU, 2 weeks inpatient stay, 2 years of developmental worries, all this on top of the entirely normal unbelievable stress/responsibility/cost of having a baby and child ... WIBU to tell my (wonderful but in this instance thoughtless) friend that getting a puppy is not like having a baby? Because she has not suffered birth injuries to have her 'child', a dog is not a lifelong commitment in any sort of the same way as a baby (if it were as ill as my daughter they probably would have put it down tbh rather than watch it so ill for so long and wonder if it would live and if so what quality of life it would have), and dogs do not need anywhere the sort of attention and input as an actual human child?

I didn't bite the first time she said it. I bit the third time.

It's not the only time I've heard it and it's become a bit of a bugbear.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Drivingmisspotty · 16/03/2022 11:38

You’re right of course. But, especially if your friend doesn’t have children, I would let her have this. Presumably the puppy has massively changed her life and she is really excited about it/in love. I can understand you being frustrated but just let her find out in her own time. You can’t tell people everything.

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 16/03/2022 11:40

Dh had dogs and, when I suggested we could perhaps get one, told me that it's like having a permanent toddler. I wasn't up for the constant supervision, training, entertainment, general work and mess, so quickly went off the idea.

Goosegoose21 · 16/03/2022 11:40

I understand your frustration. I've had a puppy and a baby. Even though I didn't sleep for nearly two years with the baby. It was the puppy that nearly broke me. Just smile and nod, the puppy will soon be grown up and she'll stop going on about it.

GrendelsGrandma · 16/03/2022 11:41

There are common features in terms of limiting your ability to go out, keeping you up at night etc. But YANBU. I'd say it gently though, if you hadn't had kids I can imagine a puppy would still be a shock to the system.

Sorry you had such a hard time having your LOFlowers

Joinedforthis22 · 16/03/2022 11:41

There are elements of it that are like having a baby and I say that as someone who had a traumatic birth. It be better if more people did see it this way as a big commitment rather than getting puppies on a whim. I'm sorry you've had such a rough time but you're projecting and that's unfair.

Piggy42 · 16/03/2022 11:42

Obviously you’re right but what do you want to achieve by making your friend feel bad.

AryaStarkWolf · 16/03/2022 11:42

Why does it even matter? She's not attacking you or what you went through. It is in some ways like having a child (and yes I have both children and a dog who was once a puppy)

XelaM · 16/03/2022 11:43

I have both and having a puppy is actually very similar to having a newborn/toddler - sleepless nights, worries, have to puppy-proof the house, can't leave them unattended etc. I also love my little boy like I love my daughter Blush He's my second baby 🥰

To say that buying a puppy is NOT like having a baby.
Original poster
annoyedfr · 16/03/2022 11:43

@Joinedforthis22

There are elements of it that are like having a baby and I say that as someone who had a traumatic birth. It be better if more people did see it this way as a big commitment rather than getting puppies on a whim. I'm sorry you've had such a rough time but you're projecting and that's unfair.
Why can it not be 'there are bits of caring for a puppy that are like a baby'? I would agree with that. But actually buying a puppy is incompatible to having children to me. But I would agree there is some projecting and thank you for the alternative POV.
OP posts:
JosephineMarchingOnwards · 16/03/2022 11:44

Of course not! (And you already know that)
I love my dogs but there really is no comparison.

Well done you for holding your tongue so long…

But please try and be kind to her, maybe she would actually rather have a child…? (And she probably wasn’t intending to be insensitive)

PivotPivotPivottt · 16/03/2022 11:44

Sorry to hear you had such a difficult pregnancy and birth.

YANBU your friend sounds really stupid and insensitive if she's compared having a puppy to what you've been through.

I have to say I personally found having a puppy harder than having a baby. I was lucky to have two easy babies though and at least they stayed in one place and didn't run about the house chewing everything and peeing and shitting everywhere (well not until they were older 😂). But seriously I did find the puppy more difficult it's the hardest thing I ever done I was totally naive and didn't do enough research and had to eventually give her back to the rescue charity I adopted her from because I was a rubbish owner and i will never ever own a dog again.

Original poster
annoyedfr · 16/03/2022 11:45

@Piggy42

Obviously you’re right but what do you want to achieve by making your friend feel bad.
I didn't want her to feel bad, I wanted her to stop saying it!
OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 16/03/2022 11:45

@XelaM

I have both and having a puppy is actually very similar to having a newborn/toddler - sleepless nights, worries, have to puppy-proof the house, can't leave them unattended etc. I also love my little boy like I love my daughter Blush He's my second baby 🥰
N'aawwwwww so cute!
lemongreentea · 16/03/2022 11:45

yanbu however if your friend doesnt have children or is unlikely to have them and wants them then a puppy to her is like having a baby. just let her have it and ignore. you have your baby and she probably wont ever have one so is trying to make herself feel better.

Thoosa · 16/03/2022 11:45

You sound like you’ve had a particularly traumatic time with pregnancy and motherhood, so your friend is being thoughtless. If she doesn’t have children, she might not completely “get it”.

Personally we always rehomed adult dogs until my first 2 DC were in school and I was WFH and we got a puppy, and I remember saying that the early days with him (disturbed sleep, crying, toileting) were a bit reminiscent of newborn days, so I get the comparison. I wouldn’t voice it to a friend who’d been through what you’d been through, though.

I hope your DD is doing better now. Flowers

Cap89 · 16/03/2022 11:45

Lots of people say this. I have to say I’ve been fairly lucky with my pregnancies and births and while exhausting for the first few months, our children have been relatively straightforward so far. But I am really not a dog person, and for me I genuinely would rather have a baby than a puppy! At least babies have nappies. And if it’s raining I don’t have to go out with baby if I don’t want to. And my neighbours are sympathetic about baby crying, don’t think they’d feel the same about barking! Obviously I’m being (a bit) tongue in cheek here, babies are obviously a bigger commitment. But I wouldn’t give your friend too hard a time about this. I’m sure her comments weren’t designed to upset you.

catscatscatseverywhere · 16/03/2022 11:46

YANBU, but I wouldn't say anything to your friend.

JosephineMarchingOnwards · 16/03/2022 11:46

that it's like having a permanent toddler

Complete agree, that’s what owning dogs is like…
I use that analogy often!

You can train them, to a certain extent - but they cannot understand consequences etc

TeapotCollection · 16/03/2022 11:46

I would never have either permanently but I’ve borrowed plenty of both over the years and I’d say they can be just as hard work as each other

AryaStarkWolf · 16/03/2022 11:47

I didn't want her to feel bad, I wanted her to stop saying it!

Why should she? There are similarities between having a baby and a puppy.

ReeseWitherfork · 16/03/2022 11:47

'Buying a puppy' is significantly easier than 'having a baby'.

But in terms of life adjustments in the first few weeks/months: for me, the puppy was harder!

Your friend is being insensitive because you've clearly had a really shit time. Of course there will be some people who say a puppy is harder with all seriousness and passion, but I don't think I'd say someone making an off-the-hand light-hearted comment in a casual conversation is being unreasonable.

Savvysix1984 · 16/03/2022 11:47

My puppy has caused me more stress and worry than my child. Children grow up and become independent. Dogs are permanent toddlers. Children can be taken places, dogs can't so in that respect a dog had been more restrictive on our lives than dc ever was. Wouldn't change him for the world though and I am extremely maternal towards him, in the way that I am towards dc.

Everybody is different as are their experiences. You gain nothing from having an argument about it.

ridemesideway · 16/03/2022 11:48

Had both and the crazed Springer puppy was about a million times easier than a non sleeping baby. Yanbu. But be kind to her.

Original poster
annoyedfr · 16/03/2022 11:48

I'm not trying to be that AIBU poster who refuses to consider that they are BU, promise Grin
I know that there are elements I bring to this (unaddressed trauma for one, but also an annoying habit of taking things personally that aren't intended in that way), but I cannot accept that a dog is like a baby.
But appreciate the POVs.

OP posts:
housemaus · 16/03/2022 11:48

Obviously, it isn't the same thing.

But having a puppy is very hard work. My sister didn't get a full night's sleep for almost a year when she got her puppy, her and her partner almost split up over how stressful it was and how difficult they both found it - and as PPs said, there are a fair few similarities. The term 'puppy blues' is used - it's a huge commitment and change and can be very hard work, on top of broken sleep, it can genuinely affect someone's mental health.

So no, it's not the same thing - of course. But it doesn't mean your friend isn't finding it difficult and trying to relay that to you in a way that you'll relate to. Being all 'I had a harder time because I had a BABY' is neither nice nor useful.