To say that buying a puppy is NOT like having a baby.

[annoyedfr]

After TTC, 9 months of a difficult pregnancy, a traumatic 48 hour labour which ended with me having sepsis and baby in SCBU, 2 weeks inpatient stay, 2 years of developmental worries, all this on top of the entirely normal unbelievable stress/responsibility/cost of having a baby and child ... WIBU to tell my (wonderful but in this instance thoughtless) friend that getting a puppy is not like having a baby? Because she has not suffered birth injuries to have her 'child', a dog is not a lifelong commitment in any sort of the same way as a baby (if it were as ill as my daughter they probably would have put it down tbh rather than watch it so ill for so long and wonder if it would live and if so what quality of life it would have), and dogs do not need anywhere the sort of attention and input as an actual human child?

I didn't bite the first time she said it. I bit the third time.

It's not the only time I've heard it and it's become a bit of a bugbear.

AIBU?

@Savvysix1984

My puppy has caused me more stress and worry than my child. Children grow up and become independent. Dogs are permanent toddlers. Children can be taken places, dogs can't so in that respect a dog had been more restrictive on our lives than dc ever was. Wouldn't change him for the world though and I am extremely maternal towards him, in the way that I am towards dc.

Everybody is different as are their experiences. You gain nothing from having an argument about it.

This.

I wonder if she is trying to relate to you in some small way - especially if she does not have children?

I really don’t think people that make this comparison are trying to minimise childbirth/rearing, but a pet can be all engrossing so to some they think it must be what having a child is like.

YABU. To some of us our pets are as important as our children.

Huge bugbear of mine. I’ve had 2 babies and 3 puppies. Whilst sure there are some mild comparisons to be made sure but they clealry aren’t the same and it’s a bit offensive to claim otherwise. That doesn’t mean pets aren’t loved and integral members of the household but there are dozens of reasons how and why the aren’t comparable. To list a few: struggling ttc, pregnancy, monitoring fetal movements, growth restriction, prematurity, NICU, child birth, post partum bleeding, PPD, breastfeeding, naps, infant sleep, sleep regressions, introducing solids, additional needs, neurodiversity, milestones.. i honestly could go on. None of that occurs when buying a dog. Yes some people get puppy blues but to compare that to pnd is offensive.

I mean in no other scenario is comparing a human life to that of an animal acceptable. Imagine if you lost a parent or worse a child and then someone turned around and said oh yeah I know how you feel, my dog died a few years back

Looking after a puppy and looking after a newborn are pretty similar, yeah.

I have both and both are a pain in the bum at times

Babies are more portable, dogs are more tying for sure!

@annoyedfr

I get you. I don't think you're being unreasonable - as long as your friend is childless/free by choice.

Maybe ask her how she is planning to wean her puppy? How's the puppies nappy rash? Teething pain?
If he is meeting his developmental goals ? Walking? Talking? What his first word/bark was.
Has she checked her dog sitter is ousted registered?
Is she managing to sleep though?
How's her pelvic floor since she got the puppy?
Ask her what puppy school she's planning on sending him to. Is she in the catchment area? Does he look like the other puppies? Is the puppy school accessible for her puppy?
etc etc etc

I don't think your friend is trying to discredit your bad experience, or trying to say she is suffering with her dog more than you with your kid, she is merely pointing out that there are similarities between the two experiences (which there are!) Being awake in the night, clearing up mess, having to establish a routine, huge life change, training and educating, taking the pet into account if you go to work/go out. You have to get over this one and stop being so sensitive unless you want to risk damaging the friendship.

I'm really sorry as you sound like you've had a really traumatic time and that is maybe making things that are just normal and harmless ways people chat into something far more meaningful due to having gone through so much.

What people usually are trying to get across is that there is a lot of commitment and looking after involved with a puppy and it's intense. I think it's good to get this across as so many people see dogs more like fashion statements or commodities and some even just use them as breeding machines and don't treat them properly at all. It's surely a good idea for people to know that there is time, commitment and responsibility involved and that it's quite full on and life changing having a puppy? It's not something people should just go into lightly without thinking it through. And perhaps she also wants to express that she loves and cares about her pup! Which is nice and there's nothing wrong with that.

I have both children and a dog and and it was very similar with the puppy but on a shorter timescale. I also have a breed that never properly mature. At the grand age of 5 he still acts as a puppy.
But I would be kind to the friend .

i think that conflating the two is not that uncommon.

My ex H's new wife had a baby and then a few years on made a public announcement that instead of having another baby she was going to get a puppy to "go with" her dog (which she already had).....

I've never had dogs so wouldn't know but from some of the comments, if her aim was to "save herself" the effort of having another child, she might not have achieved what she wanted....

Of course a puppy is not like a baby.
But neither is having a baby the same experience for all.
Your pregnancy and birth sound pretty tough OP and I can't relate to them because mine were comparatively straightforward.

I think you should concentrate on getting help to deal with your own trauma and not take it out on your friend.
I agree with pp that my puppy was harder work than my babies and she had sharp baby teeth too.

It's not a competition though is it, your unresolved trauma and experience is clouding your thoughts on it.

Puppies are MUCH harder. You’re their entire life!! A baby will at some point grow up, go to nursery, go to school and get joy from other places. Your dog is entirely dependent on you for their enjoyment, enrichment and fulfilment. Also they (usually) don’t learn to talk so it’s much harder to communicate than a baby that will learn to speak in a few years. I say usually because I’ve seen those dogs trained to communicate their needs with buttons…mine wouldn’t do that though.

@SometimesRavenSometimesParrot

Puppies are MUCH harder. You’re their entire life!! A baby will at some point grow up, go to nursery, go to school and get joy from other places. Your dog is entirely dependent on you for their enjoyment, enrichment and fulfilment. Also they (usually) don’t learn to talk so it’s much harder to communicate than a baby that will learn to speak in a few years. I say usually because I’ve seen those dogs trained to communicate their needs with buttons…mine wouldn’t do that though.

This !!! Sums it up perfectly.

I think I may have been a bit like this with my cats during the 5 years I was desperately TTC so sorry if I annoyed anyone. Of course it's not the same but can sometimes be a substitute. I had a rough time in hospital with my LOs too, sorry you had a similar experience and hope you're both ok xx

@XelaM

I have both and having a puppy is actually very similar to having a newborn/toddler - sleepless nights, worries, have to puppy-proof the house, can't leave them unattended etc. I also love my little boy like I love my daughter He's my second baby 🥰

Aww I love that. I’m pregnant and can’t imagine loving a baby more than I love my dogs. That’s kind of said tongue in cheek. But I really do love them SO MUCH!

However, they were a nightmare as puppies and I think I suffered from some sort of post adoption depression. They were like toddlers but with sharp teeth, pooing and weeing all over my once pristine home. With a new born at least they can’t go anywhere. My puppies were into everything. They wrecked carpets, furniture, clothes, shoes, my girl dog had such bad separation anxiety she would throw herself against the door squealing when I popped out 🤦🏻‍♀️ They kept me awake, night after night. I’m sure having a baby will be much harder but I do feel that my puppy experience has prepared me somewhat! They outgrew all of this by the way and are now perfect.

I think what we are hugely missing here is that the OP had a horrific birth experience and has been caring for a sick baby / toddler / child. So in that sense, emotionally, physically and mentally, having a puppy is a walk in the park.

The majority of posters seem to be talking about a puppy / baby experience without complications involved, so sure, some may say a puppy was more difficult than the baby. But (unless she has other children), the OP hasn't experienced the conventional baby stage and is right to say that you can't compare. We should never compare, nonetheless.

I think the friend's comment was light hearted and flippant, I personally wouldn't think anything of it, but unlike the OP, I have not been though trauma with my child.

I have 2 kids, 2 dogs and 2 cats and I adore them all. My sister and her husband (never had kids) got a puppy and it was never ending drama. There was lots of eye rolling at their neurotic first time parents stress levels and borderline hysteria but they were just that, first time parents who adored this puppy. Did we say anything? No. Because it was a huge life changing event for them and they adore him and us wading in wouldn’t have helped.

I know what you are saying OP but be kind, it’s your friends baby and I’m sure she listened to you go on about yours!

It's just something people say, OP. They don't mean it's actually the same.

I take it as shorthand for, 'it's a massive inconvenience and generally a pain in the backside.'

A puppy is a baby,a baby dog! Perhaps your friend is trying to relate to you,can’t you give her that kindness? I suspect everything has been about you, your difficult pregnancy, 2 years of developmental worries…

@XelaM your puppy is absolutely gorgeous!

So sorry you have had it so tough, it sounds like your friend was trying to get you onside rather than upset you though I think. For me having had five dc, two disabled, severe PND twice then puerperal psychosis I still found it all easier than having a puppy so much so we rescued a 9 year old dog second time around.

2 DC and 2 dogs - the dogs are currently more work than the DC. They certainly cost me an arm and a leg in dog care and I am their favourite person, whom they want to be next to, all the time.

The same can’t be said for my DC - whom I rank very low down in their pecking order of ‘things I like best’

If anything, people were more willing to have my DC than my DDogs so care is more difficult.

They won’t go to University so that’s something I suppose!

I've done both and honestly, it was a husky that broke me. He was gorgeous but hard work and never grew up, it was 12 years of having a toddler.