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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that buying a puppy is NOT like having a baby.

430 replies

annoyedfr · 16/03/2022 11:35

After TTC, 9 months of a difficult pregnancy, a traumatic 48 hour labour which ended with me having sepsis and baby in SCBU, 2 weeks inpatient stay, 2 years of developmental worries, all this on top of the entirely normal unbelievable stress/responsibility/cost of having a baby and child ... WIBU to tell my (wonderful but in this instance thoughtless) friend that getting a puppy is not like having a baby? Because she has not suffered birth injuries to have her 'child', a dog is not a lifelong commitment in any sort of the same way as a baby (if it were as ill as my daughter they probably would have put it down tbh rather than watch it so ill for so long and wonder if it would live and if so what quality of life it would have), and dogs do not need anywhere the sort of attention and input as an actual human child?

I didn't bite the first time she said it. I bit the third time.

It's not the only time I've heard it and it's become a bit of a bugbear.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Bostromani · 16/03/2022 12:23

I think when people say this, they normally haven't had a baby to compare it with, and they looking at the situation from a happy image that is sometimes the public image of having a new born.

Having dealt with a standard, average sleeping, average 'issues' baby and toddler, and a spaniel puppy , I would say the comparisons are :

  • Initial almost round the clock neediness
  • Having to plan your life around it
  • Complete change to holidays and social commitments
  • Added expense that just seems to increase
  • Discovering weird new friends who are also in the same boat
  • People stopping you to talk about it
  • Loads of friends and family promising help and assistance that never actually happens

But nah, in general it's a bit of a glib comparison to compare two life changing things that are time consuming, expensive, and make you change how you live.

A pet is still a pet though isn't it?, no matter how many people talk about ' dog babies ' etc.

Newuser82 · 16/03/2022 12:24

@XelaM

I have both and having a puppy is actually very similar to having a newborn/toddler - sleepless nights, worries, have to puppy-proof the house, can't leave them unattended etc. I also love my little boy like I love my daughter Blush He's my second baby 🥰
Ah he looks just like our dog! Super cute
Marvellousmadness · 16/03/2022 12:24

Time to get over yourself. And quick.

TatianaBis · 16/03/2022 12:24

Don’t really know why you need to be a pedantic ass to your friend over it. Particularly if she doesn’t have kids.

Some puppies are so much worse than children.

Sure you don’t give birth to them but that’s not what she meant anyway.

2bazookas · 16/03/2022 12:26

@BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation

Dh had dogs and, when I suggested we could perhaps get one, told me that it's like having a permanent toddler. I wasn't up for the constant supervision, training, entertainment, general work and mess, so quickly went off the idea.
Having a dog that's well trained and socialised is nothing like a permanent toddler. It's more like having a large affectionate teenager who is really fun and enjoyable company , pleasant to your friends and visitors, eats a lot, and whose potty training is just a distant memory they mastered long ago.
HorseInTheHouse · 16/03/2022 12:26

YANBU, it's a ridiculous thing to say. I always do an internal eye roll but never say anything. With your experiences of motherhood I think you were well within your rights to remind her of what you and your child have been through.

Subbaxeo · 16/03/2022 12:27

No it’s not-but my experience of having a baby was nothing like yours. Nowhere near as traumatic. Does that mean I don’t know what it’s like to have a baby? I don’t think she’s comparing getting a puppy to your experience-just the upheaval which happens when you have a new addition to the house. Please don’t let such a small thing annoy you.

Zilla1 · 16/03/2022 12:27

How does your friend asserting their opinion stop you from believing they are wrong and not 'accepting' their assertion? Are you the universally-appointed opinion police, judge and jury? I hear many half-witted at best opinions asserted daily. I usually understand where they are coming from. Unless toxic/racist/misogynist/deliberately hurtful then what would be the benefit in telling them they are wrong. Is there a 'wrong' is a subjective opinion like this? In effect, they are saying they believe having a puppy is like having a baby. Until they've had both then that might represent their belief.

oohyoudevilyou · 16/03/2022 12:28

Comparing having a baby to having a puppy is your friend's way of empathising and making a conncectionwith you. You're being precious to take offence, and actually thoughtless and nasty if she doesn't have kids due to fertility issues or not having a partner (or not having one that wants children), rather than her pro-active choice to remain childless.

Cameleongirl · 16/03/2022 12:29

My dog was referred to as my “baby” at the groomer’s recently and I was taken aback, IMO, it really is daft how sone people equate having a dog with being a parent. I love my dog, but it’s not the same at all, aside from taking care of him.

Mind you, we’ve been very lucky. He’s a rescue and is generally well-behaved and so happy to be loved. He does believe that he rules the house though and that I’m his servant…he has respect for DH, but I’m here to serve his bidding.🤣

Bananabutter · 16/03/2022 12:29

YANBU. It’s all this ridiculous furbaby, “part of the family” stuff. No honey, they’re not your child. They’re not your baby. They’re not your child’s sibling.

They’re an animal you’ve chosen to have as a pet.

Strawberry33 · 16/03/2022 12:30

Or maybe the puppy is her solution to infertility or something and you are being really mean?
To her it’s a big thing and a joyous thing and why would you step on that? It’s not a competition.

Boomboom22 · 16/03/2022 12:31

Yanbu and the majority of the comments here are madness. No a puppy is not like a baby, a dog is never a human and those who want you to pander to your friends feelings about an animal and are telling you to be kind and see her POV above a traumatic birth are not kind people.

oakleaffy · 16/03/2022 12:31

Having a young dog IS akin to having a permanent toddler, in that one needs to think for them, think ahead and anticipate..EG, they can potentially fall in water, leap out of windows, run into roads , chew electrical wires &c

Well cared for dogs are a massive commitment, and are loved as much as a child~ Love isn't finite.

Having said that, I do dislike the {Presumably American} term ''Dog parent''..That sounds insufferably twee.

Poorly dogs with loving owners are only euthanised as a last resort, when nothing more can be done for them, to prevent further suffering.

The people fleeing Ukraine~ A few have brought their pets alongside their children ~ Tangible proof that some people really do care for their pets as ''Family members''.

There are of course completely feckless people who have children and dogs taken from them for neglect.

Strawberry33 · 16/03/2022 12:31

And some of us really do love our pet like it’s part of the family and I know who I would choose over my dog or my teenage bratbags.. 🙈😂

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 16/03/2022 12:33

YANBU

I love my dog but will happily stick him in the shed at the bottom of the garden if he tries to spend the night barking at hedgehogs. I'm not sure I'd have gotten away with that when DS was crying through the night.

Cryofthecurlew · 16/03/2022 12:33

I’ve had two children and five dogs from puppies. I’ve never had sleepless nights with my puppies and I have left them unattended for short periods. It really annoys me when people draw similar comparisons between dogs and babies/toddlers or even more annoying calls their dogs “fur babies”. I just want to scream no they are not fur babies they are dogs treat then like dogs and they’ll behave like dogs.

Ski4130 · 16/03/2022 12:33

I've had 3 babies and I found our dog pretty hard work in the early days. I think I may even had said that I'd prefer to look after a newborn again, and that the babies were easier. I stand by that to be honest, I did find the babies easier BUT it was shorter term upheaval with the dog.

The dog however is NOT my baby, but she is my favourite person in the house :-)

disconnected101 · 16/03/2022 12:34

@BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation

Dh had dogs and, when I suggested we could perhaps get one, told me that it's like having a permanent toddler. I wasn't up for the constant supervision, training, entertainment, general work and mess, so quickly went off the idea.
I have to say I disagree with your husband here. It is like having a permanent toddler in a way, but it's all the fun stuff! When I got a pup I had two young DC - one a toddler, and I said at the time I'd rather take care of a newborn baby. At least they stay put. BUT the puppy stage is outgrown so very quickly. They reach maturity very quickly compared to a child, but when in a loving home they do retain their love of fun & playfulness. The biggest 'issue' for me having a dog is how restricted you are (travel etc.) but they are awesome & I wouldn't be without my girl.

To the OP however, I absolutely get why you reacted. It doesn't even come close to being in the same league as having a child. Not the feelings, not the responsibility. But I know I didn't truly understand that until I had my DC. I don't think your friend could either.

Ostryga · 16/03/2022 12:34

Well, I found having a puppy far, far harder than Dd by a country mile. I’d have a newborn over a puppy any day!

But you’re allowed to feel how you feel, and so is she. She’s not diminishing your experience by having her own.

Rosesareyellow · 16/03/2022 12:34

Because she has not suffered birth injuries to have her 'child'

I’m sorry you had a difficult experience but many other mums with real babies don’t have these experiences either, particularly adoptive ones. I don’t think it’s a fair thing to add your birthing experience to measurements of what being a parent or what it’s like to have a baby is.

MindfulMarch · 16/03/2022 12:35

If you're not going to accept that having a puppy can be harder work than looking after a newborn then why ask AIBU, why not just rant on 'chat'.

I'm sorry you had a rough pregnancy & DD had a rough start to life, but it doesn't give you the right to dictate how your 'friend' feels!

She's saying right now having a new puppy is like looking after a newborn, she's not commenting on the pregnancy or the stresses of teenagers and exams - YOU are taking this too far!

oakleaffy · 16/03/2022 12:35

@Bananabutter

YANBU. It’s all this ridiculous furbaby, “part of the family” stuff. No honey, they’re not your child. They’re not your baby. They’re not your child’s sibling.

They’re an animal you’ve chosen to have as a pet.

As a parent, our dog is definitely ''Part of the family''. Brother's two cats are part of his family, too.

The Ukrainians fleeing, bringing their dogs and cats with them, Clearly they too see their animals as part of their family too.

chaosrabbitland · 16/03/2022 12:35

for many people their pets are like their children , except they havent actually given birth to them lol , i feel this way about our pets , your friend hasnt got a child , she obviously feels this new puppy is gonna be like her baby , and to her it really is , her viewpoint is different than yours , theres really no point in taking hers personally which seems to be what you have done , you dont seem able to address her in a lighthearted way which is really what needs doing , all you have to do is humour her even if you dont agree with her

Newfluff · 16/03/2022 12:36

@Bananabutter

YANBU. It’s all this ridiculous furbaby, “part of the family” stuff. No honey, they’re not your child. They’re not your baby. They’re not your child’s sibling.

They’re an animal you’ve chosen to have as a pet.

I wept when the family escaping Ukraine talked about how they carried their elderly medium sized dog as they walked to the border, the cats, rabbits and other pets in carriers, knowing that the space they took up meant other precious items were left behind. I hope you don't have pets, but those that have the humanity to extend their family across species will not be ridiculed by me.