To say that buying a puppy is NOT like having a baby.

[annoyedfr]

After TTC, 9 months of a difficult pregnancy, a traumatic 48 hour labour which ended with me having sepsis and baby in SCBU, 2 weeks inpatient stay, 2 years of developmental worries, all this on top of the entirely normal unbelievable stress/responsibility/cost of having a baby and child ... WIBU to tell my (wonderful but in this instance thoughtless) friend that getting a puppy is not like having a baby? Because she has not suffered birth injuries to have her 'child', a dog is not a lifelong commitment in any sort of the same way as a baby (if it were as ill as my daughter they probably would have put it down tbh rather than watch it so ill for so long and wonder if it would live and if so what quality of life it would have), and dogs do not need anywhere the sort of attention and input as an actual human child?

I didn't bite the first time she said it. I bit the third time.

It's not the only time I've heard it and it's become a bit of a bugbear.

AIBU?

I think the problem is more that your friend did not read the room when making that comment. Thoughtless, probably but I doubt malicious.

@PivotPivotPivottt our experience mirrors yours when we adopted a rescue puppy who we subsequently rehomed (and where she is now thriving) but we did foster and later adopt an older dog and the experience couldn’t have been more different. I cried more over the first rescue pup than I have over anything the children have done in a decade!

It's just different points of view, she doesn't need to stop saying it at all. I had a dog before a baby and the dog is my 'first baby'. There are lots of similarities. I also had a rough time and an 8 week NICU stay. I wouldn't for a second feel like they were comparing to that nor does it invalidate any of your experiences. Puppies ARE hard. Initially, I'd say a puppy was harder than when my baby came home! Health issues aside. People experience things differently.

Hm so...

It sounds like you had a truly horrific time of childbirth, serious near fatal illness, fears for your baby's life etc.- that is definitely the kind of experience which can lead to PTSD and sounds so so awful.

Your friend probably meant it lightly when she said having a puppy is like having a baby. There are some ways that it's probably similar- having to be up at night to watch, keeping a constant eye on the puppy (like you do with a toddler) to make sure they're not eating anything that could harm them, having to plan social engagements around them (you can't leave them for quite a long time).

Also I wonder though- is your child voluntarily child free? Or childless? Because would you rather have gone through everything that you have gone through but be a mother with a child at the end of it OR be suffer the heartache of being childless? (maybe the benefit doesn't outweigh the cost for you, I don't know). Maybe taking on some sort maternal role for a puppy is helping your friend to cope with childlessness?

I know someone who has kids who complains about her friends who call their dogs their 'fur babies' and call themselves 'mummy and daddy' and whilst I sort of agree, I think you have to take it context- not everyone gets to be real Mum.

You are taking it far too literally. Of course it isn't the same as having a baby. But I expect it is a lot closer to having a baby than having a hamster or other very low maintenance pet.

The puppy owner is saying it involves early mornings, toilet training and poor sleep.

Is there any reason behind her getting a puppy you may not be aware of, is she unable/not in the position to have children? That point aside, the care, commitment & attention that a puppy requires I feel is just the same as a baby. It sounds like she is being a bit thoughtless given your trauma, but she probably won't be thinking about it when making these comments, it sounds like she just comparing the 'caring' aspect of having a puppy against having a baby, which is fair.

Side note, I got a puppy a little while after my first child died neonatally, as a sort of way of comfort/focus, and although I've never said the phase 'having a puppy is like having a baby', if I did and someone called me out on it, they'd soon be quiet when the learnt the reason behind me having a puppy at all. All I'm saying it you don't know everyone's background (not directly relating this to your friend of course), but it's better sometimes to keep your feelings aside & as others said, let them have it.

Sorry that was 'is your friend (not child) voluntarily childfree'.

Nothing I’ve ever experienced was like the trauma of having a prem baby, in hospital for several weeks, but if your friend hasn’t had that experience I’d just put it down to being a bit tactless.
Puppies are hard work, but in a different way. Similar lack of sleep in the early days and the addition of razor sharp teeth. You are not BU to feel put out at her saying that, but people talk a lot of unrealistic mimsy-whimsy shite about having a puppy at times (I say that as someone who prefers most dogs to most people!).

No dog but two kids and I think dogs look worse. My best mate got a puppy in lockdown and can't go away this summer because all dog sitters/kennels are fully booked and no one in their will pup sit. At least I can take my children with me.

@annoyedfr

I'm not trying to be that AIBU poster who refuses to consider that they are BU, promise I know that there are elements I bring to this (unaddressed trauma for one, but also an annoying habit of taking things personally that aren't intended in that way), but I cannot accept that a dog is like a baby. But appreciate the POVs.

You don’t have to accept it. Just smile and let it go. You have your baby, she has her puppy, everyone is is love with their little dependent creatures and that love doesn’t make either anymore important than the other.

You went through a traumatic time and I’m very sorry that you had those horrible worries. I hope your baby is doing well. But you roll the dice when you choose to have a baby. There are no prizes (well, besides the baby itself). She’s not a lesser person for putting her love into a dog but also finding that stressful. You’re her friend, she’s just sharing anecdotes about her life.

Well, either your friend has a child (in which case she knows the differences and similarities) or she doesn’t (in which case she doesn’t have a child and possibly has some thoughts about that; would you take these into consideration when talking about your own issues?)

@XelaM what a super boy!

I think it sounds like you're taking your difficult birth out on your friend, who is making a common and innocuous statement. Obviously having a puppy is not exactly like having a baby, but no one thinks it is - it's an analogy, not a literal statement, and it is important people understand the level of work and commitment involved in getting a puppy/dog. You obviously had a very difficult time and seem to want that acknowledged, but a conversation about a puppy is not the time to expect that to happen. It's a separate issue.

You’re taking this way too personally and literally. A lot of people say this, many of them women who have had babies.

Having had both, I'd say a puppy is much harder work than a baby.

Babies stay in one place when you put them down and wear nappies so they can't pee/poo everywhere. They don't have sharp teeth which they use to nip you with.

Have said that, the puppy phase is a short sharp shock to the system and then you hopefully have a reasonably well-trained dog (if you've put the effort in). You won't be spending the rest of your life worrying about them, whereas you will with your dcs (if you're anything like me!)

But your version of having a baby is also very different to many others' experience of having a baby. Not really a fair comparison. Would you be equally as annoyed at someone who had a really straightforward birth, no trauma, comparing their experience to yours?

I had a preemmie by EMCS, we both nearly died, had an 8 week NNICU stay, the 2 years of development worries turned into 12 years of dealing with her resultant CP. Would it be fair of me to say you had it easy compared to me? Of course not. That would be awful.

There are a lot of similarities to having a puppy in the house as having a baby in the house, I can see where they are coming from. As you've said, this is more about you taking the time to heal and deal with your own trauma. It's not an easy thing to do and hope you can get there.

I think having a puppy is similar to having a baby, in some ways at the beginning it’s harder, at least you can take a child into shops with you and into cafes, with a puppy you have to find a puppy sitter or risk it eating your house when you pop out 😬. Puppies are full on hard work but yes, not a life long commitment cause sadly they only live 10-15 years.

Of course they didn’t go through child birth trauma to get their puppy but many woman have easy births (not all are traumatic), I don’t think they are comparing them having a puppy to you having a traumatic birth, it’s not aimed at you. But in general having a puppy is similar to having a baby. I wouldn’t chose to do either again in a hurry 😬

@annoyedfr

I'm not trying to be that AIBU poster who refuses to consider that they are BU, promise I know that there are elements I bring to this (unaddressed trauma for one, but also an annoying habit of taking things personally that aren't intended in that way), but I cannot accept that a dog is like a baby. But appreciate the POVs.

I do think you're bringing a lot of trauma to the situation.

Her experience does not invalidate yours, just as yours should not invalidate hers.

I don't see why you need to say something. You experienced a much worse time of it than most, but there are many posters on here with children saying how difficult they found having a puppy. So just because your friend does not have children does not mean that you need to dismiss her views.

Having a dog is hard work. There's no denying it. It may get easier for some people, and it may not. But those puppy stages are incredibly stressful and difficult for many. There's no need to dismiss these feelings if your friend is having them. As I'm sure she wouldn't dismiss you if you said you were struggling.

Just be a friend. Let her live her life, while you live yours. There's no need to take anything as a personal slight here.

Yanbu at all. I hate this comparison. We have had dogs for years before we had children and there is no comparison!
How can people compare them to toddlers? A toddler cannot be left in the house alone for 4-5 hours at a time, they need more of your attention and there is more at stake if you get it wrong.
Also the relentless of it can't be compared- if you are on your knees with your dogs behaviour or needs you can rehome- which is awful and heartbreaking and should be a last resort but you can do it.
Also as horrible as it is when your pet gets Ill it is no where near as worrying as when your child is ill. You are expected to outlive your dog, it is not expected that you outlive your child.
So yes in terms of some hands on practical stuff dogs can be compared in some ways but the emotional toll of having children is in a different league.

If women without children weren't constantly being told that they're incomplete/not fully grown/lesser without children, that they'll never experience true love, that they'll never know life's purpose, that they'll never do anything as rewarding etc. etc. etc... I'd maybe have more sympathy with people comparing a dependant animal to a dependant child.

I had to have a hysterectomy to save my life, and someone hearing it said - thoughtlessly, and she did apologise - that she'd rather have died than be unable to have kids.

I'm very sorry that you went through medical trauma and that you struggle with your child's needs. I don't think any of that is going to get better by you one-upping your friend as to who has it worse, though. All it's going to achieve is remind your friend that she's considered lesser by wider society and that she's excluded from a club that she may (may) desperately wish to join.

I don't have kids, through choice. I have a dog because I love dogs, not babies.
The only people i know who ever compare having a dog to a baby, or call it my 'fur baby' are my mum friends.

need anywhere the sort of attention and input as an actual human child Like other posters, I don't quite agree. My boys were angels, slept through, put them in their cots and they just hung out in there, no problem. My puppy was an absolute nightmare! Obviously children and toddlers need more input but in a different way.

You're not wrong, but neither is she. The problem however is that she isnt being sensitive to what you went through. That's what you should pick her up on. She shouldn't be arguing with you about it or bringing it up at all.

@Lovelteers

I have two kids and a puppy. And having a puppy did remind me of having a newly mobile baby, or a toddlerZ can’t take your eyes off them, have to get up In the night etc So people will say this. You can’t let your personal experience colour how you react to your friend enjoying her new puppy - or sharing about it. If it really bothers you that much then tell her that you find it difficult because of your experience and ask her to stop saying it. But it is you not her.

That's annoying even if it's not a puppy though. If someone did this with their child every time I wanted a moan about my child then I'd get annoyed.

I understand why you might say that but, honestly, humans are ALWAYS saying one thing is like another. It doesn't mean they are exactly the same or that there aren't differences, just that there are some similarities.

You right, it's worse. A toddler who doesn't understand English. However it's a dog not a human but maybe your friend like you struggled to get pregnant and got puppy instead. Congratulations on your new baby xx

I definitely found my puppy harder than my newborn!