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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to leave baby

190 replies

starsss · 16/03/2022 08:50

hi all,

I'm in a bit of a predicament. my partner for his 30th birthday got some tickets to see a musician he really loves in 2 and a half months. it is a festival type vibe for context and requires staying up there for the weekend as it is 3 hours away from where we live.

the problem I have is my DS will only be 7 months old and currently is exclusively breastfed. he was extremely premature (26 weeker) so I'm not sure if this is also affecting how I feel as I spent a lot of time away from him. not to mention the logistics of having to pump etc. whilst away at a festival.

my partner will be very disappointed I think though. his brother and his girlfriend have also brought tickets to go and I am a bit worried they will be annoyed with me. my partner has lots of friends who would happily go but I also worry the family member who brought the tickets will be angry because they will feel they brought them with me going in mind too. however, my partner would never have gone alone so in my head he would of always had two brought for him.

would you go?

OP posts:
diddl · 16/03/2022 13:48

@Marvellousmadness

Go! Don't be one of "those mums "please. Nothing is more divorce inducing really. You had a baby. But you can still have a life you know. And your relationship needs it. You arenot just a mum. But also a partner. And you are you. Don't loose track of that. Its very important.
How does not wanting to leave your baby for a weekend when they are just 7months old make you one of "those mums"?

Op's relationship needs a weekend away with others at a festival getting pissed??
GrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrin

MatildaTheCat · 16/03/2022 13:51

Some people here really have no idea of the stress and trauma of an extremely premature baby. Of course you don’t want to leave him and the quicker you tell your DP that the better. Just tell him you are sorry but you cannot leave your baby and he will have much more fun without you there.

Perhaps suggest an outing/ event/ short break that you could do at another time to celebrate his birthday.

Best wishes to you.

MsSquiz · 16/03/2022 13:57

@Marvellousmadness

Go! Don't be one of "those mums "please. Nothing is more divorce inducing really. You had a baby. But you can still have a life you know. And your relationship needs it. You arenot just a mum. But also a partner. And you are you. Don't loose track of that. Its very important.
@Marvellousmadness and before being a partner, she is a woman. A woman who doesn't feel happy or comfortable leaving her child. Why should her partner's feelings trump that? The OP has pointed out that she has depression, so her partner should be considerate to how she feels and her struggles rather than huffing because she doesn't want to go away for the weekend!
coconutpie · 16/03/2022 14:08

OP, your feelings are valid. I am so sorry for what you went through. Well done on getting this far. Your priority needs to be you and your baby. A concert is not a priority for you. Judging by your posts, attending this concert would be traumatising for you and you would not enjoy it. Your partner is completely unreasonable if he doesn't understand you not wanting to go. You have plenty of time in the future to attend concerts with him. A 30th birthday is still just a birthday. "But it's my 30th, you have to go" is not a reason to go. Your recovery is by far the most important thing right now for you to concentrate on.

GrapesAreMyJam · 16/03/2022 14:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

BoredZelda · 16/03/2022 14:24

Nope.

You say he'll be 7 months, but as a 24 week preemie, I'll assume you've only just got him home (and great you got him home so soon too).

I wouldn't have been ready to do this a couple of months after getting my preemie home.

BoredZelda · 16/03/2022 14:26

You arenot just a mum. But also a partner. And you are you.

Yes, a "you" who can presumably chose to do what suits her when she has been through the trauma of having a 24 weeker. Have you done that?

SunnySideUp2020 · 16/03/2022 14:27

No way I'd go.

BoredZelda · 16/03/2022 14:28

How does not wanting to leave your baby for a weekend when they are just 7months old make you one of "those mums"?

Should also point out, this baby won't be just 7 months. This baby will have a corrected age of 2 months. Would people be so quick to suggest a mother of a 2 month old schlepped off to a festival to suit their sulking husband?

Sirzy · 16/03/2022 14:33

Yes “you time” is important for parents but not forced time to keep others happy when they aren’t ready.

If parents feel comfy going then fantastic go and have a wonderful time. But if they are not ready that is equally as fine

LizzyLovesTea · 16/03/2022 14:53

Could you take baby with you, with a comfy sling and ear protectors? If you actually want to go. If you'd genuinely rather not go, then I don't think you should feel guilty in the slightest!

BoredZelda · 16/03/2022 15:00

Could you take baby with you, with a comfy sling and ear protectors?

You would take a newborn baby to a festival?

chipshopElvis · 16/03/2022 15:07

I wouldn't have left mine then. Do what you feel happy with.

FelicityPike · 16/03/2022 15:10

@BoredZelda

Could you take baby with you, with a comfy sling and ear protectors?

You would take a newborn baby to a festival?

7 months isn’t a newborn.
Original poster
starsss · 16/03/2022 16:00

I mentioned already the idea of him coming (half joking) to my partner recently and he looked horrified - went to see liam gallagher abroad a couple of years ago and said it's not suitable

OP posts:
Original poster
starsss · 16/03/2022 16:17

he took it amazingly. said he had been thinking about me and how I would feel himself and not to worry, that he will sell my ticket to his friend. i feel so relieved - underestimated him it seems

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 16/03/2022 16:26

@starsss

I had to revive him as well a few days after he was discharged as he stopped breathing at home. yes it really has been an awful time which is why at the time of it being discussed the thought of it was appealing but now it's not :(
Bloody hell, OP, you’ve had a really tough time of it, haven’t you? I can absolutely understand why you don’t feel ready to go away for a weekend without him. Also, even if you were fine with the idea of leaving him with family, I would imagine that having to use a breast pump at an event like that would be an absolute nightmare.

I think your DP must be a bit of an idiot if he can’t see why it’s too soon for you.

Somethingsnappy · 16/03/2022 16:27

Well done op! Glad it's resolved. Just go with your instincts in future too. They are there for a reason x

Duracellbunnywannabe · 16/03/2022 17:55

@BeeDavis

To be honest, this is one of the reasons why I chose not to breastfeed! I actually couldn’t imagine being 7 months PP and not being able to enjoy time away from my child. My little boy is 5 months old and he has slept at GPs 3/4 times! We all need that break.
Did you read OP original post her baby was born at 26 weeks. At that age there would have been a good chance he wouldn’t survive. I’m guessing she would have done everything in her power to try and increase the chances of her child living.
Caplin · 16/03/2022 18:01

As others say it is your choice. I left mine at 4 months (with her dad), my boobs felt like they would pop but it was an ace weekend.

Then the odd night, but due to emergency I had to leave for a week at 9 months. Was convinced milk would dry up, but no, it was fine, came back and she breast fed to 21 mths.

By 7 mths baby will have started weaning and your milk will drop anyway.

Personally I would, it is good to just get away, but it is your choice.

Flittingaboutagain · 16/03/2022 18:28

He's a keeper OP!

DSGR · 16/03/2022 18:51

Ah that’s a fab response from him! And rightly so

godmum56 · 16/03/2022 18:59

@SnowySnowSnow

Can you take the baby with you? A lot of festivals are good for families and if the baby is breastfed you don’t need to worry about feeding.
have you not seen the bit where OP's partner says gleefully "we are really gonna get hammered"?
Original poster
starsss · 16/03/2022 19:05

well we have a new problem now. BIL is kicking off saying he isnt going if I dont as he doesnt think his girlfriend will come and be the only girl Hmm I didn't realise them going was dependent on me, bizarre to me as it's for my partners birthday not mine and if the girlfriend doesnt want to go I feel like that is entirely up to her.

feel sorry for my partner now as him and the friend who is now going in my place were really excited and began planning their day and now his brother has thrown a real dampner on it. has said me and my partner planned this all along essentially and we knew that I wouldnt be going and have messed them around

I think its nuts really, especially with my sons history, if they have only booked on the basis I was going too to match the sexes. what if my son had ended up back in hospital again or gotten poorly again? I dont know. either way the relief I felt was short lived

OP posts:
Lindaloo08 · 16/03/2022 19:21

Your BIL is being totally unreasonable, he is the one who will ruin the day, your DH understands. Let the BIL give their tickets to other friends. Stick to your guns, you've had some amount of trauma and deserve hugs and understanding not this.

Your baby is lucky to have a mam like you, your already strong bond will only get better. It's your family of 3 that matters and no one else.