Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to leave baby

190 replies

starsss · 16/03/2022 08:50

hi all,

I'm in a bit of a predicament. my partner for his 30th birthday got some tickets to see a musician he really loves in 2 and a half months. it is a festival type vibe for context and requires staying up there for the weekend as it is 3 hours away from where we live.

the problem I have is my DS will only be 7 months old and currently is exclusively breastfed. he was extremely premature (26 weeker) so I'm not sure if this is also affecting how I feel as I spent a lot of time away from him. not to mention the logistics of having to pump etc. whilst away at a festival.

my partner will be very disappointed I think though. his brother and his girlfriend have also brought tickets to go and I am a bit worried they will be annoyed with me. my partner has lots of friends who would happily go but I also worry the family member who brought the tickets will be angry because they will feel they brought them with me going in mind too. however, my partner would never have gone alone so in my head he would of always had two brought for him.

would you go?

OP posts:
Whatsmyname100 · 16/03/2022 12:17

Yanbu op, you are not ready to leave your baby and that's your right to feel that way. Who cares that someone left their child at 2 months and went gallivanting. Do what you feel is right.

LizzoBennett · 16/03/2022 12:18

There is no way I would go in your shoes. I have a 16 month old and I still haven't left him overnight with anyone else.

Pyri · 16/03/2022 12:18

@Flittingaboutagain

It's absolutely fine not to want to leave your baby! My friend is bringing her 2 year old on her hen do because she still doesn't want to leave him (it's a cottage for two nights and we're all 35+ mothers!). My baby is the same age as yours and whilst I have been OK leaving her for a couple of hours with her Dad twice and once we left her for two hours with my mum, that's only in the day as I know how much she needs me and the boob in the evenings and night. We were only 20 mins away when we left her last Saturday. I wouldn't feel happy leaving her and going a distance though, definitely not.
Gosh I couldn’t think of anything worse than being on a hen do, thinking it would be a glorious child free weekend then someone comes with a toddler!
Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 16/03/2022 12:23

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic
You’ve NEVER been away without your children?! His does that work?[/quote]
Simple really, my children don't tend to sleep over night elsewhere unless one of their friends invites them for a sleepover and i wouldn't want to go away on holiday without them. I have six children and have been a Mum for nearly 20 years and i'm happy with how things are. That doesn't mean i think it's wrong because I don't, its just my personal choice. I know plenty of people want/need that time away with their partner or a break from their children but i just don't feel that need.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 16/03/2022 12:29

@Mumdiva99
Yes that's exactly how it goes Grin
We're all different and that's my choice. It is understandably difficult to go away child free if children have SN but even if they don't, which none of mine do, then people still decide to not go away without them. We're all different and we all need different things to make us happy and healthy (in body and mind). Thank you for understanding Smile

Flittingaboutagain · 16/03/2022 12:31

Pyri everyone coming knows the hen very well and that she still breastfeeds to sleep and has no desire to leave her toddler. So no surprises!

2bazookas · 16/03/2022 12:32

Why not hire a trusted teenager/neice/student to take with you; pay for their hotel room and they babysit in yours, watching TV with room service meal, while you go out.

cecilthehungryspider · 16/03/2022 12:33

YANBU!

I wouldn't have left mine at that age and hadn't been through half of what you have. I have been perfectly happy to leave them once they were a bit older but it's not honestly something we have done often. We don't have the grandparents on tap the way some people seem to so it's a huge effort to get anything like that organised. It's very much one of those "each to their own" things. Some people like to go away without children, others don't, neither is wrong.

Marvellousmadness · 16/03/2022 12:34

Go! Don't be one of "those mums "please. Nothing is more divorce inducing really.
You had a baby. But you can still have a life you know. And your relationship needs it. You arenot just a mum. But also a partner. And you are you.
Don't loose track of that. Its very important.

Wnikat · 16/03/2022 12:36

Oh ignore all the smug non breastfeeders, their experience does not invalidate yours.

Why are you so worried about people being angry at you? If they are, they are twats. Your partner can go and enjoy himself without you. It’s not a big deal. You are perfectly entitled not to leave your baby. IMO new mother’s should be given an entirely free pass to do or not so whatever they want for at least the first year without anybody thinking they have a right to be offended or even have an opinion.

TurquoiseDragon · 16/03/2022 12:44

I wouldn't go, either.

You have a baby who, while being 7 months old, has a corrected age younger than that. You have PTSD. And you're exclusively breastfeeding.

No, I wouldn't go. I was never able to pump millk, despite breastfeeding very successfully. A weekend at a music festival would have meant breastfeeding pretty much ended immediately. I didn't leave my DC overnight anywhere until they were around 18 months or so. It happened when I felt ready.

LizzoBennett · 16/03/2022 12:44

@Marvellousmadness

Go! Don't be one of "those mums "please. Nothing is more divorce inducing really. You had a baby. But you can still have a life you know. And your relationship needs it. You arenot just a mum. But also a partner. And you are you. Don't loose track of that. Its very important.
Oh aren't you lovely. As if OP hasn't been through enough and now you're telling her that this decision may be 'divorce inducing'. Nice.

There is plenty of time for piss ups and overnight stays further down the line OP. In your own time.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 16/03/2022 12:45

@starsss

I had to revive him as well a few days after he was discharged as he stopped breathing at home. yes it really has been an awful time which is why at the time of it being discussed the thought of it was appealing but now it's not :(
So sorry you had to go through this Flowers I think even without this, breatfeeding, PTSD and a premature baby who was in NICU for a long time, it would still be fine and normal for many to decide not to go. The fact you said you would go is irrelevant, you are allowed to change your mind. You have been through hell, be kind to yourself and don't feel guilty for doing what is best for you and your baby. If you dh gets annoyed that says alot about him and maybe he needs to learn to have more empathy and understanding.
Somethingsnappy · 16/03/2022 12:45

@Cognoscenti

Ooh look at all the super clever people posting to correct OP's grammar! How this thread has been enriched with their superior intelligence.
Quite! I can just imagine what kind of people they are in real life. I won't go into more detail than that.
Somethingsnappy · 16/03/2022 12:51

@Marvellousmadness

Go! Don't be one of "those mums "please. Nothing is more divorce inducing really. You had a baby. But you can still have a life you know. And your relationship needs it. You arenot just a mum. But also a partner. And you are you. Don't loose track of that. Its very important.
Do you understand anything at all about exclusive breastfeeding?
Pyri · 16/03/2022 12:54

@Flittingaboutagain

Pyri everyone coming knows the hen very well and that she still breastfeeds to sleep and has no desire to leave her toddler. So no surprises!
As a slightly separate point, if I was her husband to be I would feel really offended my wife didn’t trust me enough to parent my child for any period of time that she had to take the child away on her hen do. What an odd dynamic!
GabriellaMontez · 16/03/2022 13:00

@Bananabutter

It’s “bought”, not “brought”.

However, I wouldn’t go. Not a chance. He has lots of people to go with.

Wanker.
Chasingaftermidnight · 16/03/2022 13:03

@Marvellousmadness

Go! Don't be one of "those mums "please. Nothing is more divorce inducing really. You had a baby. But you can still have a life you know. And your relationship needs it. You arenot just a mum. But also a partner. And you are you. Don't loose track of that. Its very important.
Just out of interest, did you actually read about what OP and her son have been through?

Even if her son had been born at full term I wouldn’t think she was being unreasonable.

GabriellaMontez · 16/03/2022 13:11

If you weren't worried about your partners response you'd have backed out already. Is this right?

You're perfectly reasonable to not go. Its fine to change your mind. You thought you'd be up to it but you're not.

This is a very small time in the context of your life together. Another 6 months and you'll probably feel different.

If he can't see this isnt good for you he is indeed being selfish. Now is time for him to step up to his new responsibilities as father and partner. I'm sure he'll be a bit dissapointed. Sounds like you've had to deal with a lot this year too.

Tell him how you feel. Can you tell us how old you are? How long have you been together?

timestheyarechanging · 16/03/2022 13:13

I wouldn't go in your circumstances. You sound like you don't want to go and your partner should understand this.
I did leave both of mine at that age with my mum for a couple of nights (friends 30th and a hen/stag weekend abroad) but mine were only breastfed until 4mths and were weaned by 7mths. My friend did it though when hers was breastfed at 5mths, went to Glastonbury and hated it, felt she was in a different mood to everyone else the whole time and missed her baby terribly.

MRex · 16/03/2022 13:17

I'd send DH with one of his mates. I'm surprised he would expect you to go, are you sure he really does or are you panicking unnecessarily? Pop back after a chat with him, I'm happy to call him a selfish arse if necessary, but I hope he will surprise you and understand. It sounds like a terrifying time and you've been doing so well with your baby, just stay home and enjoy him.

Heyahun · 16/03/2022 13:38

i posted on here recently - i bailed on my friends hen party as it was abroad and I felt really uncomfortable at the thoughts of being far away from my baby (she will be 13 months!)

If you don't feel comfortable with it then don't do it!

mt daughter will not take a bottle, she wont even drink milk from a cup she relies so heavilty on my milk still (I'm trying to wean her off but thats much easier said than done!)

Fossilsmorefossils · 16/03/2022 13:43

My dd is 15 months and the only night we were apart was because I was in the hospital. There's no way that I would want to be parted from her for the night, so I get it. Don't go, he'll just have to ask someone else. Some people are fine being apart from their children and some aren't. I think it's some kind of biological process that has a different timing for everybody.

Chamomileteaplease · 16/03/2022 13:45

I hope you tell your partner soon because then you can stop worrying about it and having that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach Sad.

Tell him, hopefully he will understand, and then the importance of a concert to see Liam Gallagher can go back to where it belongs ie to the back of the queue - after your mental health and after the physical health of your baby Smile

SnowySnowSnow · 16/03/2022 13:47

Can you take the baby with you? A lot of festivals are good for families and if the baby is breastfed you don’t need to worry about feeding.