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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to leave baby

190 replies

starsss · 16/03/2022 08:50

hi all,

I'm in a bit of a predicament. my partner for his 30th birthday got some tickets to see a musician he really loves in 2 and a half months. it is a festival type vibe for context and requires staying up there for the weekend as it is 3 hours away from where we live.

the problem I have is my DS will only be 7 months old and currently is exclusively breastfed. he was extremely premature (26 weeker) so I'm not sure if this is also affecting how I feel as I spent a lot of time away from him. not to mention the logistics of having to pump etc. whilst away at a festival.

my partner will be very disappointed I think though. his brother and his girlfriend have also brought tickets to go and I am a bit worried they will be annoyed with me. my partner has lots of friends who would happily go but I also worry the family member who brought the tickets will be angry because they will feel they brought them with me going in mind too. however, my partner would never have gone alone so in my head he would of always had two brought for him.

would you go?

OP posts:
110APiccadilly · 16/03/2022 09:57

I wouldn't have been ready for an overnight at 7 months. At the end of the day, if you're worried, you're not going to enjoy yourself. And while your partner might have wanted to go and have a nice time with you, it won't be much of a nice time for either of you I suspect if you're worried and not having fun. Tell him to take a friend so the ticket's not wasted.

Darkstar4855 · 16/03/2022 09:58

I wouldn’t have gone. There will be plenty more concerts. This is a brief period of your life where your priorities and needs are different. Hopefully your partner will respect this.

pinkappleorpineapple · 16/03/2022 09:58

OP you have had a very difficult time and it doesn't sound like any part of you wants to go. So don't.
Whoever bought the tickets expecting you to go is unreasonable, not you.
If your DP is at all arsy about this that is on him.

If your DS had not been premature you might still not want to go, he'd be a younger age.
Some people want a break from their babies, some people find being apart from the baby more stressful than restful.
It doesn't matter what others would do.

As an aside, I don't have anyone that I could leave my baby with (apart from DH) that doesn't involve a flight. So no I wouldn't be leaving my baby with people they don't know very well.

Also there have been things I'd theoretically have loved to go to but it's only theoretical, when I think of the practicalities of pumping (and dumping milk?) and wondering whether my baby is okay I know I wouldn't enjoy time away at the moment. I have tickets for a concert soon (bought before I was pregnant) , I really wanted to go but now have asked DH to go with a friend. And he said no because he doesn't want to do a night away just now either. He has got a golf trip booked a bit further down the line and plans to go to that. So not like he never wants to leave the baby, but any parent needs to feel ready.

SGChome20 · 16/03/2022 09:59

I wouldn't have anyone I could leave the baby with anyway so would take the awkwardness out of saying no but I couldn't have left my baby at 7 months old

ikeepseeingit · 16/03/2022 10:00

In your position, I am not surprised you don't want to leave your baby. Tell your partner you're grateful, but not ready yet. He can take a friend and go have fun. Don't feel guilty about not going. Don't let him guilt you into going either. I'm sure he just wants to go out just the two of you, but this is too much right now.

ComDummings · 16/03/2022 10:00

I didn’t breastfeed and I didn’t leave my DC overnight until they were older. I just wasn’t comfortable. OP if you don’t want to then just don’t, you don’t need a reason for not wanting to.

AliasGrape · 16/03/2022 10:02

I wouldn’t have gone no. I’m still not ready to leave me DD for a full weekend and she’s nearly 20 months. I don’t imagine that changing in the near future, though I’m hoping to plan a night away in the next few months and see how I feel then. I’m totally right to feel this way and anyone who had a problem with it would be told where to go. Just like anyone who was ready to leave their child at whatever age would also be totally right and could tell anyone who had an issue with it where to go. Like so many have already said it’s so personal and what other people do/ are comfortable with really doesn’t matter.

She was bottlefed by the way, but I’d be even more reluctant with the logistics of breastfeeding and the additional issues of your mental health and the trauma you and your DS have been through.

I think talk to your partner, explain how you feel. Give him the chance to step up and be a supportive and understanding partner and dad - he SHOULD absolutely understand why this isn’t practical or best for you or his son right now. Yes he might be a little disappointed but you’re not saying he can’t go - and he should be grown up enough to see that his minor disappointment really isn’t what matters right now. If he doesn’t and is a dick about it well that’s another issue and something you might need to address later when you feel up to it.

Spanglemum · 16/03/2022 10:05

I don't think people understand how traumatic it is to have a premature baby until they've had the experience. I would tell your partner he'd have more fun taking a friend and you'll go another time.

vitahelp · 16/03/2022 10:11

I was in a similar predicament when my baby was 8 months and I was invited on a hen do (I was a bridesmaid so had to go). I was breastfeeding too (although baby was eating some food by then).

I only went for one night but really struggled with becoming engorged, I brought a hand pump and used it before going out but still ended up in a bar toilet manually squeezing milk away to relieve the pressure.
I don't regret going as it meant a lot to my friend, but I didn't enjoy it.

I do think DH struggled as well as she wouldn't drink from a bottle etc but they managed ok.

Pfbing · 16/03/2022 10:31

OP I just wanted to say you have done an incredible job to be BF your DS exclusively after him being a 26 weeker. I'm a NICU nurse so I can appreciate the ups and downs you've been through yet still managed to keep your supply. To the posters saying "that's why I didn't BF" etc, honestly them comments are unhelpful and you don't have even the slightest idea what OP and her DS have been through.
Personally I wouldn't go as I wouldn't enjoy it. My DD is 6.5m and I've only left her long enough to go for a meal, and I've missed her the whole time! I think people will understand

Giraffe888 · 16/03/2022 10:38

Only you can make this decision as everyone will feel differently x

I wouldn’t have left any of my children at that age and from what you’ve been through I can completely understand why you don’t feel comfortable to

Your feelings matter too x

GetYourEightYearOldOutOfATree · 16/03/2022 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
starsss · 16/03/2022 10:40

thank you. in different circumstances I'm sure I would of really enjoyed it but I just know I wont. the thing is they asked me in january if I would want to go and back then we were in the thick of it and all I knew was hospital and it had been ongoing for ages. but it's now everything has settled down and we are finally starting to live normally at home. I just really dont want to leave him, I've bonded with him so much now in a way that is so hard to do in hospital and oddly, it is now that PTSD has started really rearing its head. nightmares, flashbacks and I just get so emotional at times. I honestly didnt think he was going to survive - I just dont think I am there yet to be 3 hours away at a concert

OP posts:
LittleGwyneth · 16/03/2022 10:41

Is there any flexibility to see how you feel closer to the time?

Original poster
starsss · 16/03/2022 10:42

@Pfbing

OP I just wanted to say you have done an incredible job to be BF your DS exclusively after him being a 26 weeker. I'm a NICU nurse so I can appreciate the ups and downs you've been through yet still managed to keep your supply. To the posters saying "that's why I didn't BF" etc, honestly them comments are unhelpful and you don't have even the slightest idea what OP and her DS have been through. Personally I wouldn't go as I wouldn't enjoy it. My DD is 6.5m and I've only left her long enough to go for a meal, and I've missed her the whole time! I think people will understand
thank you so much. was the most horrendous time of my life x
OP posts:
smooshraspberry · 16/03/2022 10:45

I am quite relaxed about leaving my little one (within reason), however you absolutely do not need to justify your reasons for not leaving yours. You've been through hell and you don't feel ready - either physically or emotionally. It is as simple as that. Tell them. Even if they don't understand, they'll get over it. Think of yourself x

babyjellyfish · 16/03/2022 10:48

I left mine overnight at 7 months but it was a work trip so not really a choice, and he was with his dad.

fabulousathome · 16/03/2022 10:50

Is it a long way away? Could you visit for the day with your DC and then go home?

I don't think you should stay over.

EsmeSusanOgg · 16/03/2022 10:54

If you do not feel comfortable, do not go. Do not feel forced to do something when you are not ready. Some people love to get away for an evening when their kids are little, some do not. There's no right or wrong about that. You need to prioritise your mental well-being.

hugr · 16/03/2022 10:58

@BeeDavis

To be honest, this is one of the reasons why I chose not to breastfeed! I actually couldn’t imagine being 7 months PP and not being able to enjoy time away from my child. My little boy is 5 months old and he has slept at GPs 3/4 times! We all need that break.
If your child is born at 26 weeks you barely have a choice. Formula at that gestation could be deadly and donor breast milk is rare in some areas.

OP will be no stranger to leaving her baby overnight - she would likely have done it almost every night for the first 3 months of his life.

StrawberrySanta · 16/03/2022 10:58

I think what any of us would do is irrelevant to you and what you feel comfortable with. Not sure if it's an option but would grandparent who looks after baby stay in a nearby air b&b with baby for the weekend so you can come and go between venue and seeing baby to feed?

Cinnabomb · 16/03/2022 10:59

@Duracellbunnywannabe I completely agree. I was pretty shocked reading “there must be family you can leave baby with”

Some people clearly have absolutely no idea what it’s like to not have family help.

mummabubs · 16/03/2022 11:05

Honestly in your position I wouldn't go OP. My daughter (second born) is 10 months old and also exclusively breastfed. Just a couple of weeks ago I pulled out of going to a mutual friend's birthday gathering with DH because I didn't feel happy leaving my daughter for the evening and when my son was around the same age I pulled out of one attending one of DH's friend's weddings for the same reason that I wasn't ready to leave him overnight. I knew in both cases I'd have spent the time feeling anxious and stressed so wouldn't have been good company anyway and ultimately you and your baby come first. Your DH and his family should be supportive and understand why it isn't in your or your baby's best interests for you to go at this time xx

GabriellaMontez · 16/03/2022 11:09

You're allowed to change your mind. You thought it would be OK, its not. The end.

Who bought the tickets and who would have looked after the baby?

diddl · 16/03/2022 11:11

Even if you're used to leaving them for the odd hour or two or a day a weekend is still one hell of an increase on that!