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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to leave baby

190 replies

starsss · 16/03/2022 08:50

hi all,

I'm in a bit of a predicament. my partner for his 30th birthday got some tickets to see a musician he really loves in 2 and a half months. it is a festival type vibe for context and requires staying up there for the weekend as it is 3 hours away from where we live.

the problem I have is my DS will only be 7 months old and currently is exclusively breastfed. he was extremely premature (26 weeker) so I'm not sure if this is also affecting how I feel as I spent a lot of time away from him. not to mention the logistics of having to pump etc. whilst away at a festival.

my partner will be very disappointed I think though. his brother and his girlfriend have also brought tickets to go and I am a bit worried they will be annoyed with me. my partner has lots of friends who would happily go but I also worry the family member who brought the tickets will be angry because they will feel they brought them with me going in mind too. however, my partner would never have gone alone so in my head he would of always had two brought for him.

would you go?

OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 16/03/2022 09:29

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic
You’ve NEVER been away without your children?! His does that work?[/quote]
I have friends lile this. It works like this...." Hey Friend. Fancy going away to X with me and leaving kids with Dad" "No thanks. I'd rather stay with the kids".

It might not be out choice......but it works for them. (My friend has a son with SN who she gets anxious about, also she never wanted to stay away from her mum as a kid.) Not our place to judge their choices.

AChocolateOrangeaday · 16/03/2022 09:31

@BeeDavis Agreed! TBF I was in a coma for 2 weeks after DS's birth so couldn't breastfeed even if I had wanted to (I very much didn't!)

He's a strapping 17 year old now and I cannot remember the last time he saw a DR, so the lack of BF and my leaving him at 7 months had no effect whatsoever (other than saving my MH)

He still gives me a kiss before he goes to bed every night too!

SunshineAndFizz · 16/03/2022 09:32

Will this be the first time you've left the baby? If so maybe do a trail run leaving her beforehand to see how you feel? But don't pressurise yourself - look after your mental health so just say no if you're really not feeling it x

Okeydoky · 16/03/2022 09:33

It sounds to me like you really wouldn't enjoy it if you're already feeling this way, so I don't think you should go.

I'm still not comfortable leaving my nearly 2 year old overnight. My child, my decision. It wouldn't be right for everyone but it's right for us.

Trust your gut.

GabriellaMontez · 16/03/2022 09:34

@BeeDavis

To be honest, this is one of the reasons why I chose not to breastfeed! I actually couldn’t imagine being 7 months PP and not being able to enjoy time away from my child. My little boy is 5 months old and he has slept at GPs 3/4 times! We all need that break.
I'm glad this works for you. For me, for many of us, overnighters before 7 months would have been stressful.
A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 · 16/03/2022 09:35

@starsss

I had to revive him as well a few days after he was discharged as he stopped breathing at home. yes it really has been an awful time which is why at the time of it being discussed the thought of it was appealing but now it's not :(
With this update and the fact you don't seem at all comfortable leaving him right now, I'd say don't go. I agree, the time in hospital and how poorly he was really changes things.

I'm sure your bf will still have a great time if he takes someone else, and maybe you could arrange a night out with him separately to celebrate his bday

Thursday37 · 16/03/2022 09:36

I wouldn’t go and DD is 2.5 now! I still haven’t left her overnight and have no plans to. It just isn’t what I want anymore.
You won’t enjoy it so if you go you will ruin it for him, everyone wins if he takes a friend instead.

SVRT19674 · 16/03/2022 09:36

No, I wouldn´t have gone and would have been quite firm and matter of fact about it, and my baby was ff. Much prefer being with my baby than at some effing festival. But that is just me.

Minniem2020 · 16/03/2022 09:36

I wouldn't go in your circumstances. You sound very anxious just at the thought of it which is completely understandable.
You shouldn't feel guilty about it either. DS has just turned 4 and I haven't been away from him overnight. I'm due number 3 anytime now and the thought of leaving DS to go into hospital is really worrying me

erinaceus · 16/03/2022 09:36

Would you be able to stay in a hotel nearby, perhaps together with someone who can care for your LO for a few hours, allowing you to spend time with your DH but not leaving your LO for the whole few days.

Minimananna · 16/03/2022 09:36

Your reasons for not wanting to go are perfectly valid; it’s totally normal to not want to be apart from your baby - some people are happy to be away from their babies, and other people aren’t, and both are fine.

jytdtysrht · 16/03/2022 09:38

You are not ready to leave your baby. That is the end of it and the person who bought the tickets should have checked with you first. Your reasons are 100% valid and that’s final.

GabriellaMontez · 16/03/2022 09:38

hmm I think he can be a little selfish at times truthfully

Well he's a father now. Time to start thinking about what is best for his son and you. Not just getting ratted.

jytdtysrht · 16/03/2022 09:39

There is no way in the world I would have left my (early baby ebf ds) at that stage. He’s now a teen who has been abroad for a week with school (pre covid!). He needed me when he was 7mo and I needed to be with him.

FTEngineerM · 16/03/2022 09:41

your reasons are valid for not wanting to go

❤️There you go.

I thought I wanted a night away at 4months, only went and cried and got MIL to pick me up after a glass of wine.

godmum56 · 16/03/2022 09:42

@GabriellaMontez

hmm I think he can be a little selfish at times truthfully

Well he's a father now. Time to start thinking about what is best for his son and you. Not just getting ratted.

^^ this Your partner is going away for a weekend to get pissed and you wonder whether you are being unreasonable not to go....OP I know this may sound all pearl clutchy but you are not the unreasonable one.
MrsMo21 · 16/03/2022 09:43

@starsss I understand that - fatherhood can be an adjustment that women just don’t get the luxury or time to be able to ease into. We have to keep that baby safe and well immediately; we don’t get time to ‘get used to it’.
My DH took 6 months to stop being so bloody selfish and prioritise fatherhood. He’s now an AMAZING dad and is 50/50 parent but it did take time.
This being said though, whatever his reaction is to you saying about him taking his friend is HIS problem. HIS failures and HIS selfishness. Not yours. Do not let anything make you feel bad about your choice.
And when you feel better, if you think it is needed, have a conversation about what being a Dad and partner really means.

Chasingaftermidnight · 16/03/2022 09:44

There’s no right or wrong. If you aren’t ready, you aren’t ready - and that is absolutely fine. And for what it’s worth I’m 100% sure I wouldn’t be ready if I’d been through what you’ve been through. Flowers (I wouldn’t have been ready when my son was that age and he was full term.)

As others have said, the logistics with breastfeeding make it very tricky. I don’t know about you but I’m extremely susceptible to blocked ducts and mastitis and the only thing that prevents it is regular feeding directly to my baby. Pumping doesn’t cut it in terms of milk removal. So in your shoes I would be worried about that.

Mulhollandmagoo · 16/03/2022 09:46

Honestly, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do! You don't even need to explain yourself, we also had a NICU baby and like you I'm still suffering the effects, so I fully understand why you don't want to go, send your partner and a friend and let them have a great time and you have a cosy weekend and home with your son Flowers

Somethingsnappy · 16/03/2022 09:48

Hi OP. No, I definitely wouldn't have left mine overnight at that age. As mine were EBF too, it would have been a logistical nightmare. A pump might not keep up supply in the same way, and at 7 months babies are rarely properly established onto solids anyway. I didn't even have the added trauma that you have been through. Even without the practical side, you very clearly don't want to go. Listen to what both your head and your heart are telling you. If anyone is annoyed, just explain that buying a ticket for you too was a little lacking in thought without checking with you first. Besides all that, would your baby manage OK, do you think, if EBF and never been apart from you yet? Some babies would be fine, but others would struggle.

DuggeeHugPlease · 16/03/2022 09:48

@BeeDavis

To be honest, this is one of the reasons why I chose not to breastfeed! I actually couldn’t imagine being 7 months PP and not being able to enjoy time away from my child. My little boy is 5 months old and he has slept at GPs 3/4 times! We all need that break.
That's not necessarily down to whether you breastfeed or not. I don't have anyone who will have my children overnight so I don't get to have that break regardless of how much I need it and how I'm feeding them.
diddl · 16/03/2022 09:50

@starsss

in terms of the drinking, selfishly I'm just thinking how shit it would be for me to be with partner, Bil and his girlfriend who are all drunk and I'm sober looking for a corner to pump in :(
If you don't want to go then don't.

If your partner will be annoyed with you for not wanting to go then quite frankly he's a shit.

It's a weekend piss up t see someone he loves & he already has someone going with him.

Thewindwhispers · 16/03/2022 09:55

I would NOT go because of how upset and confused your baby will be. What’s a concert compared to that?

FuckIDunno · 16/03/2022 09:56

Don’t go, it sounds like you wouldn’t enjoy it at all.

As for what to tell your DP, if it were mine I’d say “don’t be daft, does finding somewhere to pump every 3–4 hours for an entire weekend at a festival with 180,000 drunk people sound fun to you?!”

123ZYX · 16/03/2022 09:57

When you say the tickets were given by a family member, we're they from your MIL, who is now offering to babysit?

Is part of the issue that you're feeling pressured to let your MIL have your baby overnight?

Even if it's being done with the best intentions, you're under no obligation to let anyone babysits, even if they feel like they're missing out.

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