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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to leave baby

190 replies

starsss · 16/03/2022 08:50

hi all,

I'm in a bit of a predicament. my partner for his 30th birthday got some tickets to see a musician he really loves in 2 and a half months. it is a festival type vibe for context and requires staying up there for the weekend as it is 3 hours away from where we live.

the problem I have is my DS will only be 7 months old and currently is exclusively breastfed. he was extremely premature (26 weeker) so I'm not sure if this is also affecting how I feel as I spent a lot of time away from him. not to mention the logistics of having to pump etc. whilst away at a festival.

my partner will be very disappointed I think though. his brother and his girlfriend have also brought tickets to go and I am a bit worried they will be annoyed with me. my partner has lots of friends who would happily go but I also worry the family member who brought the tickets will be angry because they will feel they brought them with me going in mind too. however, my partner would never have gone alone so in my head he would of always had two brought for him.

would you go?

OP posts:

FelicityPike · 16/03/2022 11:16

As a fellow NICU mum, no I wouldn’t/ couldn’t go.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 16/03/2022 11:19

Just be upfront with relative
"I think baby Bob is too little to leave but really appreciate you thinking of me. Big Bob is taking Jim instead".
Or you and/or Jim reimburse relative for ticket.

thewhatsit · 16/03/2022 11:20

No, no way. Too young for me to leave for more than an hour or two.

thewhatsit · 16/03/2022 11:28

And also one of mine was technically premature by a few days and the other one wasn’t, so even without that aspect of it because I just can’t imagine what you went through - hell no would I be ok with leaving a baby that young.

It’s fine that some people are ok with it and also totally fine that others aren’t.

WinniesHunny · 16/03/2022 11:41

I can see how with only 180000 people going, naming the artist was going to be outing.

Just tell whoever brought (sic) the tickets that you can't go. It's hardly rocket science that the mum of a few month old isn't able to attend a festival type event.

Original poster

starsss · 16/03/2022 11:44

@WinniesHunny

I can see how with only 180000 people going, naming the artist was going to be outing.

Just tell whoever brought (sic) the tickets that you can't go. It's hardly rocket science that the mum of a few month old isn't able to attend a festival type event.

have you not seen my updates? anyone who knows me would recognise this..was there any need for that?

OP posts:

MsSquiz · 16/03/2022 11:47

Whatever your reasons are for not wanting to go, they are your reasons and that's what makes them valid.

Going to keep your partner, his brother and whoever bought the tickets happy will not be worth it in the long run. You will give yourself anxiety and stress trying to keep everyone else happy while resenting having to go.

I would sit your partner down and explain how you feel and say you are happy for him to go with a friend instead, and have a great weekend for his birthday and that the 2 of you can do something closer to home to celebrate together

Underfrighter · 16/03/2022 11:49

Dont go OP.

You're not ready emotionally, and the practicalities of it all won't work (pumping isnt as efficient as an older feeding baby and I know after more than a half day of not breastfeeding at that age, I'd have been very uncomfortable). What's the point if you cant drink while everyone around you gets 'battered', you're going to be uncomfortable, pumping every few hours, and missing the baby.

It's meant to be fun but you're going to dread it and not likely to enjoy it, so there really is no point

There are things you just have to miss out on when you have a young baby, especially if you're breastfeeding and that's normal and it's not forever (and that's before you take into account any mental health issues), its completely fine to say actually now its nearer the time you've realised its unlikely to work.

I think you need to put yourself and your baby first here. Your husband should as well, considering what you've gone through and you're not trying to stop him going. He should not want you to do something that makes you uncomfortable, that he is perfectly capable of doing by himself, anyway and even more so in light of what you've recently gone through. And it's a bit worrying that you seem nervous of telling him, and worrying that you'll offend the person that bought him tickets. I doubt there will be many exclusively breastfeeding mums of premature 7 month olds, with PTSD, planning 3 day trips without their babies - the way you're feeling is entirely normal

2ndBorn · 16/03/2022 11:52

I wouldn’t go either and my DS wasn’t extremely prem (you poor thing). DS3 is 11 months and I still wouldn’t leave him now, absolutely nothing wrong with that

ImFree2doasiwant · 16/03/2022 11:55

No I wouldn't go. If I were you I'd say now, you dobt want to go, then they have plenty of time to find someone else to go and you can relax about it. . You don't have to justify yourself.

Original poster

starsss · 16/03/2022 11:56

thank you. I have always been too much of a people pleaser :(

OP posts:

Bananabutter · 16/03/2022 11:57

It’s “bought”, not “brought”.

However, I wouldn’t go. Not a chance. He has lots of people to go with.

GabriellaMontez · 16/03/2022 11:58

Are you worried about your partners response?

ImFree2doasiwant · 16/03/2022 11:58

Neither of my DC were premature or ill. I still wouldntbhave gone.

Bananabutter · 16/03/2022 12:00

@BeeDavis

To be honest, this is one of the reasons why I chose not to breastfeed! I actually couldn’t imagine being 7 months PP and not being able to enjoy time away from my child. My little boy is 5 months old and he has slept at GPs 3/4 times! We all need that break.

How selfish. It’s not about being unable to be away from your child, it’s about not actually wanting to.

Breastfed babies can be left, it’s just a lot of people don’t actually want to leave them and that’s biologically normal.

Original poster

starsss · 16/03/2022 12:01

@GabriellaMontez

Are you worried about your partners response?

I am a bit

OP posts:

Mummytobe93 · 16/03/2022 12:03

Don’t go OP, by the sounds of it you won’t enjoy yourself anyway. And I don’t blame you! I’ve just been on a weekend away and I had a hard time leaving my elderly cat 😳

Your child’s dad should understand why you feel that way (If not - tell him). I can imagine the NICU must’ve been hell for both of you.

Do what’s best for your mental health & your little one 💐

Chasingaftermidnight · 16/03/2022 12:05

@WinniesHunny

I can see how with only 180000 people going, naming the artist was going to be outing.

Just tell whoever brought (sic) the tickets that you can't go. It's hardly rocket science that the mum of a few month old isn't able to attend a festival type event.

Did that make you feel good?

TheSoapyFrog · 16/03/2022 12:05

Personally, if it were me, with a baby that age and for my OH's 30th, I would have gone.
But tbh that's irrelevant here. I'd have gone because I wanted to go and would have been happy to leave my boys for a weekend. You are not happy to leave your baby, and that's fine, and totally understandable, so please don't feel about it.
Your OH will just have to accept it. He still gets to go. He'll still have fun. And I'm sure Liam Gallagher will perform again in the future if your OH is that desperate for you to go.

Flittingaboutagain · 16/03/2022 12:10

It's absolutely fine not to want to leave your baby! My friend is bringing her 2 year old on her hen do because she still doesn't want to leave him (it's a cottage for two nights and we're all 35+ mothers!). My baby is the same age as yours and whilst I have been OK leaving her for a couple of hours with her Dad twice and once we left her for two hours with my mum, that's only in the day as I know how much she needs me and the boob in the evenings and night. We were only 20 mins away when we left her last Saturday. I wouldn't feel happy leaving her and going a distance though, definitely not.

GrendelsGrandma · 16/03/2022 12:11

It would be fine for some people, it's not fine for you. Part of being a mother is learning to judge for yourself and assert yourself to do what you think is right, even if it seems silly to other people. Listen to your instincts and don't do something you're unhappy about or before you're ready, just to please others.

Charleymouse · 16/03/2022 12:11

YANBU

I had a 31 weeker who was in NICU for a month. He was exclusively BF and I was pumping at home and trying to establish BF whilst he was IV fed in hospital. He also almost died of pneumonia/meningitis at a coupe of months old.

Thinking of your DC corrected age they must only be about 3.5 months.

Absolutely fine for you to say you are not going. It is unlikely you will enjoy the experience as you will be fixated on how your DC is doing.

I would calmly and clearly explain to your DP and the gift giver (who was a bit naive in buying tickets for someone potentially with a young baby even if you had not had a preemie.)

If this was a wedding invitation you would have had everyone stating how it's an invitation not a summons. This is a gift. If it causes you heartache and upset it is not a gift at all it is not a nice thing to do.

You are doing a cracking job and coping really well. Unless you've had an exclusively BF preemie baby other people won't understand.

You might have to talk about your DC as age adjusted as when you say 7.5 months people think of a partly weaned baby not a couple of months old who might not have started weaning yet as he was so early.

You are absolutely doing the best for your baby by putting them first and exclusively BF them for as long as you want. Nobody has the right to tell you you should leave your precious baby in the care of someone else. Trying to keep BF going whilst you are away you will have to express in order to keep supply going and stop you feeling
uncomfortable. In a festival setting you will have to pump and dump as I can't see how you could effectively store your milk safely.

As someone who struggled to establish BF due to an emergency CS I realised how precious that milk is and was collecting tiny tiny amounts in a syringe. It would upset me to have to pump and dump.

For the sake of your mental health you have to make a decision that is right for you and your baby then consider your DP. The gift giver would be ay down my list of considerations.

You are doing great don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Walk a mile in my shoes springs to mind.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Goneblank38 · 16/03/2022 12:11

Hi OP, it really sounds like you're not ready for this type of seperation yet which makes total sense given your experience. Chat to your partner and tell him how you're feeling. I think part of being a parent for me has been about learning to draw boundaries with friends and family and say this works for us, but that doesn't. Tell your partner to bring a friend and have a lovely time.

Cognoscenti · 16/03/2022 12:12

Ooh look at all the super clever people posting to correct OP's grammar! How this thread has been enriched with their superior intelligence.

FairWindClearSailing · 16/03/2022 12:13

No I wouldn't go. The decision to leave your DC or not is yours. It's personal. Some feel ready at 4 months, some much later.
Mine is 20 months and I still wouldn't leave him in the evening / night time as he still only wants me and feeds to sleep.

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