To divorce him for this?

[Koalah]

I have flu plus an injury which hurts when I cough. Since I lay down in bed I’m huffing and struggling to breathe, sitting up then finally coughing and moaning in pain.

For the past 2-3 hours my husband has been sighing and whinging because I’m stopping him sleeping. Finally I asked him for help. I said I need propping up so I can breathe. He yelled at me well we don’t have any more pillows! So I said we have other stuff like blankets that could prop me up? But he has flung his pillow in my face and said I might as well have it because I’m stopping him sleeping anyway, and he’s stomped off to sleep on the sofa.

I burst out crying because he was so nasty, but he’s just ignored me and couldn’t care less that he’s made me cry. I am breathing a bit better because I’ve managed to prop myself up on his pillow now. Am I totally unreasonable to divorce him? He clearly doesn’t give a shit about me.

If a woman commented that her husband was ill and injured and having trouble sleeping and she had thrown a pillow in his face and swore at him, people would be calling her unhinged and abusive.

If your partner feels like crap shouldn't you want to help them and put their needs first?

That depends. When my husband had surgery, I was happy to do what he needed and be on hand when he needed me whenever that was. But if he had flu and was moaning whining about it at 3am, then there's somewhat less sympathy from me. And would be less still if he had form for being pathetic when ill.

Sorry OP but I can see his point. However his delivery is awful. Divorce seems a bit dramatic to me

If a woman commented that her husband was ill and injured and having trouble sleeping and she had thrown a pillow in his face and swore at him, people would be calling her unhinged and abusive.

Can we have at least one thread where someone doesn't answer with "if a mad did this"? They are pretty much always wrong.

Why on earth don't you get your own pillows?

Being in bed with a cougher is very disturbing, as the bed shakes, never mind the sharp noise it makes.

To divorce over something as trivial as this is absurd.

Far better to sleep separately if one is under the weather and disturbing the other.

If one of us was ill, we would sleep separately however you can manage it. That's a horrible reaction but when you're not ill yourself, it can be easy to underestimate how it feels

@BetterCare

I always find these types of posts so fascinating because it really does show how women are raised to please other people and put their own needs last. The OP has flu and is in pain yet she is expected to not make a fuss, prop herself up, get up and get pillows, move to another room, sit sleeping upright on the sofa.

Yet what woman would treat someone in their own home who was unwell and in pain the way her husband treated her?

If the tables were turned and the OP had been the thoughtless and cruel one. This whole post would have been filled with responses about how she should have helped her husband, how she should never get angry and never throw things and how he needed his sleep and she should have thought about his needs before she went to bed.

I am not sure how much lower the bar can get for men and how much more women are just expected to take and put up with the shit that is piled on them.

OP I really hope you are feeling a bit better today.

Well I've told you I've come close to murder in the middle of a sleepless night so I guess I am one heartless woman. Maybe I'm unique.

In my house if one of us knows we can't sleep (like me with a covid cough) we will discuss who is sleeping where. I'm currently in a spare bedroom (yes I am lucky) and I can cough and toss and turn without feeling guilty and he can sleep. It might be self preservation on his side rather than consideration but it is what we do. I think it is considerate, it seems really selfish to keep others awake when in reality there is little they can do to solve the problem. Different if it is a child but an adult can take some responsibility for their own condition.

Since I lay down in bed I’m huffing and struggling to breathe, sitting up then finally coughing and moaning in pain.

Honestly, I was reading your OP and thinking how much that would annoy me. He absolutely shouldn't have thrown his pillow at you but, as others have pointed out, why did it take three hours of moaning and groaning to realise you weren't comfortable? I'd have been at my wit's end too.

I know that having a cold/flu virus is miserable but someone grunting and groaning constantly to let everyone else know how sick they are is really irritating. I think you're feeling sorry for yourself and you have massively overreacted by going straight to divorce!

I have no issue with helping my DH when he's not feeling well but he needs to be reasonable - huffing and keeping me awake and asking me to get up and find him a pillow in the middle of the night would not be reasonable. Unless you are completely incapacitated, I don't understand why you couldn't sit yourself, fold your pillow over, etc.

@GettingStuffed

When I had this I slept on the sofa as I could prop myself up a lot easier than in a bed.

Yeah, it sounds like the OP might sleep better sitting up anyway.

The rule in our house was that the person who was having trouble sleeping went to the couch. I have frequent sinus infections, and I've spent many nights on the couch so my husband wouldn't be bothered by my coughing and nose-blowing. And he's done the same.

@gonnascreamsoon

Op, all the people on this thread who are saying that you are the 'unreasonable' one for not 'sorting yourself out' earlier are really selfish bastards imo !

Not once did he ask 'Is there anything I can get you ?' or ' Can I help you get more comfortable ?' or even 'Are you OK ?'

You could have been drowning in your own fluid filled lungs while HE gets fucking 'stroppy' about you making bloody noise FFS !

What would happen if, God forbid, you became disabled ? Or had an accident that made you unable to walk ? Would he simply 'strop' because his laundry wasn't done and his house cleaned ??

Lack of sleep is truly horrible, but NOT as horrible as emotionally and physically ABUSING your defenceless partner FFS !

That's as bad as shaking a baby because it's crying and YOU'RE tired !

There's really NO EXCUSE !

That's as bad as shaking a baby

Disgusting comment and analogy.

I freely admit that if my partner spent 3 hours moaning, coughing and groaning then I'd possibly have chucked a pillow at him too. I certainly wouldn't have been happy in the slightest. I have work and kids to get ready for nursery, I would question why he, an adult, didn't prop himself up with pillows/throws in the first place.

I was going to be sympathetic (as I keep my oh awake frequently, and he is never anything but lovely about it) until you said ‘check your privilege’. Rubs me right up the wrong way, it’s just a way of being rude to people under the guise of PC.

[quote TravellingFrom]@DillDanding did it cross your mind that, as the OP is injured, she wouldn’t be able to lie down on the sofa Wo being in pain?

It also assumes that the OP has a spare room and a sofa you can sleep on. I have neither.[/quote]
the fact that she said in her opening post that her husband had gone to sleep on the sofa was our first clue.

@Norgie

I'm just here for the drip feed.

There won't be one. This is a "wind 'em up and watch them go" thread.

But he has flung his pillow in my face and said I might as well have it because I’m stopping him sleeping anyway, and he’s stomped off to sleep on the sofa.I burst out crying because he was so nasty, but he’s just ignored me and couldn’t care less that he’s made me cry.

Because I'm ill, I stopped my husband being able to get to sleep for three hours, by making dramatic moaning and groaning noises.

After 1am, I started asking him for pillows and blankets. He gave me his pillow (we don't have any spare ones) and went to sleep on the sofa instead.

After he'd gone to the sofa, I started loudly crying to let him know how awful I thought he was. But he selfishly and callously, at 1.20am, tried to go to sleep on the sofa, having not had a wink of sleep so far. I can't believe he didn't get up again and come back to not only prop me up but to grovel and apologise for his terrible behaviour.

AIBU to divorce him?

@LegoVsFoot

If a woman commented that her husband was ill and injured and having trouble sleeping and she had thrown a pillow in his face and swore at him, people would be calling her unhinged and abusive.

Pretty sure they wouldn't. They'd be talking about man-flu, the 'dressing gown of doom' and how he was abusive for denying her sleep.

@Tsuni There won't be one. This is a "wind 'em up and watch them go" thread.

Yes, of course it is. It's written like a bad story in a women's magazine. But it passes five minutes

All these women here saying you are being unreasonable are likely accepting of terrible behaviour in their own relationships too. You deserve better and actually so do they. But for now it is important to ignore them - no you are not being unreasonable in wanting to leave a man who disrespects you when you are most in need of care and support. He will only get worse. And just for context I have been suffering with poor sleep for the last few days/week or so. My partner goes to bed before me and I stay up till I am exhausted enough to think I will be able to sleep a bit. I of course try not to disturb them but I sometimes do. They NEVER huff and puff at me. Last night when going to bed they asked me to give me a rough time I thought I might be up as sometimes they wake up and I'm not there and they like to know if I'll be up soon when they wake or if they should go back to sleep. That's reasonable communication between people who love each other. Huffing and puffing and throwing pillows is not. You deserve better.

@Salmakia

All these women here saying you are being unreasonable are likely accepting of terrible behaviour in their own relationships too. You deserve better and actually so do they. But for now it is important to ignore them - no you are not being unreasonable in wanting to leave a man who disrespects you when you are most in need of care and support. He will only get worse. And just for context I have been suffering with poor sleep for the last few days/week or so. My partner goes to bed before me and I stay up till I am exhausted enough to think I will be able to sleep a bit. I of course try not to disturb them but I sometimes do. They NEVER huff and puff at me. Last night when going to bed they asked me to give me a rough time I thought I might be up as sometimes they wake up and I'm not there and they like to know if I'll be up soon when they wake or if they should go back to sleep. That's reasonable communication between people who love each other. Huffing and puffing and throwing pillows is not. You deserve better.

this

To all those berating the OP - have you not read the bit where he threw a pillow in her face?

@iloveruby

To all those berating the OP - have you not read the bit where he threw a pillow in her face?

Pillows are big - he threw her the pillow and it landed on her. So it probably did hit her face.

@iloveruby

To all those berating the OP - have you not read the bit where he threw a pillow in her face?

I don't think anyone has said his behaviour was acceptable.

But OP is an adult and didn't need to roll around in bed moaning for three hours and that's why she's being berated.

People who feel ill and exhausted and sleep deprived do not make good decisions and do not act or say as they would if they were able to think straight. YWBU to LTB on the basis of this specific incident but see what he is like in the longer term when you have needs that are inconvenient to him.

You clearly can't share a bed at the moment. Given that you need to be propped up anyway in order to breathe properly I suggest that you should be installed on the sofa with as much supporting pillows, cushions, blankets etc as possible to prop you into a comfortable position, and let him have the bed. It's much harder to arrange a good prop-up arrangement on a flat bed than on a sofa anyway.

I have lost count amount of times I have disrupted my husband's sleep with my night time antics. Coughing during the night with one ailment or another, talking in my sleep. And not one time has he ever got verbally abusive. That is behaviour I wouldn't be putting up with.

When I’m coughing etc like that I sleep on the sofa. I know I’m not going to get much sleep anyway, so I can sit/lie there watching tv, making endless cups of tea, snoozing, and DH gets sleep so at least we have 1 fully functioning adult in the morning!