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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To divorce him for this?

248 replies

Koalah · 16/03/2022 01:24

I have flu plus an injury which hurts when I cough. Since I lay down in bed I’m huffing and struggling to breathe, sitting up then finally coughing and moaning in pain.

For the past 2-3 hours my husband has been sighing and whinging because I’m stopping him sleeping. Finally I asked him for help. I said I need propping up so I can breathe. He yelled at me well we don’t have any more pillows! So I said we have other stuff like blankets that could prop me up? But he has flung his pillow in my face and said I might as well have it because I’m stopping him sleeping anyway, and he’s stomped off to sleep on the sofa.

I burst out crying because he was so nasty, but he’s just ignored me and couldn’t care less that he’s made me cry. I am breathing a bit better because I’ve managed to prop myself up on his pillow now. Am I totally unreasonable to divorce him? He clearly doesn’t give a shit about me.

OP posts:
Thatswhyimacat · 16/03/2022 08:37

What would you have done if he'd been asleep and you'd needed to help yourself?

When I'm ill I sleep on the sofa, especially as I'm prone to feeling sorry for myself.

I don't understand why people get married only to want divorce the second their partner doesn't behave perfectly. Over a whole lifetime there are going to be a lot of times someone doesn't behave the way you would like.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 16/03/2022 08:38

@Koalah

So many people who need to check their privilege - not everyone has another bed!
😂 Check their privilege over having a spare bed! Jeez some people have no idea how hard it is to not have a spare bed. So bedist
Mummytobe93 · 16/03/2022 08:38

If you both know about your condition/illness, you should think of sleeping arrangement before going to bed.

You should get all that you need before laying down and ask him to prop you up.

He certainly shouldn’t throw a pillow in your face and leave you crying, but God knows I’d be fucking fuming too.

If I was your DH I’d invest in a single duvet and sleep in the lounge until you’re better.

All down to communication really, not a divorce ….

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/03/2022 08:42

Why could you not prop yourself up?

The huffing and puffing would do my head in too if I was trying to sleep.

But throwing a pillow in your face is not on. Hope you feel better soon. Sounds like a frustrated mid-night blip. Not a reason for divorce (over-reaction on your part really).

georgarina · 16/03/2022 08:42

This thread is so mean.

ancientgran · 16/03/2022 08:43

@Catfox1

YANBU but I am vile if something is keeping me from sleeping 🙈
Me too, I've often thought of murder in the middle of the night when DH snoring. Not being able to sleep is bad enough but the fact that he is fast asleep is like a slap in the face.

Separate bedrooms is more civilised.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 16/03/2022 08:44

I'm afraid I'm not very sympathetic to grown adults who are unwell and don't do anything to help themselves - especially if they choose not to ask for help and decide to huff and puff instead.

Your husband could have behaved better but so could you. Could you not have sorted yourself out with blankets or pillows, or asked him to do it earlier without moaning and rolling around the bed for three hours?

I mean, you're a grown adult who is more than capable of speaking up and asking for help if you need it - there's no need for the several hours of dramatics first.

ancientgran · 16/03/2022 08:45

@Koalah

So many people who need to check their privilege - not everyone has another bed!
It's a wonderful luxury though if you can have one. Being deprived of sleep is a known torture technique for a reason.
SaintJavelin · 16/03/2022 08:48

Sorry but I’d find you to be an absolute pain, you’re a grown woman for fucks sake.

JinglingHellsBells · 16/03/2022 08:50

Are you sure you do not have Covid?

There is no flu in the UK this year (waits for posters to say otherwise.)

Seriously, I wonder if you have done a LT or PCR because if you think you have flu it maybe Covid.

If you are struggling to breathe, seriously, you ought to call 111 and ask for advice, or make an appt with your GP, go to an out of hours, or whatever you can.

Your H is being selfish.

I can't say if you ought to divorce him as it depends if this is a one-off or there is a history of this.

He sounds uncaring for sure.

gamerchick · 16/03/2022 08:50

@crossstitchingnana

I know this is a predominantly female site but why is it men that behave like this? Women are much more selfless and caring. In fact, to point of fault often. My dd has Covid and I cook for her and take her drinks. (She's 18.) My dh just doesn't think about it. She would literally be in her room dying of thirst. He says she can text. But when he's I'll he expects lots of sympathy. Same treatment when I am ill. He has got better over the years. It's like he just struggles with empathy.
I'd be telling him the next time he's ill he'll be left alone and he can text if he needs something.
Letsbekindplease · 16/03/2022 09:00

You might not have another bed but you may have a couch you could use ?

I had a horrific cough for about 2 weeks which in turn also heightened my snoring. I was 2 months pregnant and I took the couch. He works his backside off and didn’t deserve to be out on the couch. (He did offer to take the couch but why should he )

Maybe try that?

Letsbekindplease · 16/03/2022 09:02

Ps, I hope you feel better. He sounds mean that he hit you in the face with the pillow. I’d be telling him off for that but maybe he didn’t realise. Get better soon

Xpologog · 16/03/2022 09:02

It’s horrible felling ill, horrible being injured and horrible being sleep deprived but your partner sounds lacking in empathy.
What would he expect from you if roles were reversed?
How would he deal with a child who was crying most of the night?
It’s a big if, but if your condition deteriorated in the night would he call 111/999 as appropriate? Or tell you to get over it?
Divorce might be a bit of a knee jerk reaction but it is reasonable to expect help and care from your husband.
I hope you feel better soon.

HairyDad · 16/03/2022 09:19

Asking about divorce straight away sounds a bit extreme. It also points to the fact that this might be the straw breaking the camels back. You must talk about it, and explain why you felt so unsupported and ignored. If it gives you a point of reference, my partner sometimes suffers the same thing; she'll either go downstairs on the sofa if she's thinks she'll keep me awake, but otherwsie I'll sleep on the sofa if it's more comfortable for her in bed. But we are always thinking of each other's needs.

If this is a one-off then fine; people can be dicks sometimes but it doesn't mean divorce. But if this sort of attitude is displayed a lot then you really need to talk and either sort it out, or think about if you are right for each other

Belladonna12 · 16/03/2022 09:22

@Koalah

So many people who need to check their privilege - not everyone has another bed!
You have a sofa though apparently.
Belladonna12 · 16/03/2022 09:25

Flu cases are very low at the moment. You probably have a cold or maybe covid.

LadyEloise1 · 16/03/2022 09:29

@Koalah
Have you done a Covid test ?

BetterCare · 16/03/2022 09:30

I always find these types of posts so fascinating because it really does show how women are raised to please other people and put their own needs last. The OP has flu and is in pain yet she is expected to not make a fuss, prop herself up, get up and get pillows, move to another room, sit sleeping upright on the sofa.

Yet what woman would treat someone in their own home who was unwell and in pain the way her husband treated her?

If the tables were turned and the OP had been the thoughtless and cruel one. This whole post would have been filled with responses about how she should have helped her husband, how she should never get angry and never throw things and how he needed his sleep and she should have thought about his needs before she went to bed.

I am not sure how much lower the bar can get for men and how much more women are just expected to take and put up with the shit that is piled on them.

OP I really hope you are feeling a bit better today.

Sceptre86 · 16/03/2022 09:33

I think there is an element of feeling sorry for yourself going on and wanting to be cared for. I get it, I've got a chest infection and feel like shit. I've managed this past week with two kids and a baby but I am feeling worse today. Dh has taken emergency leave so he can take care of the baby and I will take medicine and just sleep. I've got a busy day tomorrow as he has to head into the office so I am desperately resting today.

If this is a one off I'd get over it but if he behaves this way everytime you are poorly then you have problems that need addressing. Hope you feel better soon.

maddening · 16/03/2022 09:33

He should have offered to sleep elsewhere after the first hour tbh, he would have got to sleep abd you could have got yourself more comfortable.

Hercisback · 16/03/2022 09:33

I definitely wouldn't have been happy if my husband spent 3 hours huffing and puffing. I'd expect him to sort himself or ask for help after a few minutes.

DillDanding · 16/03/2022 09:34

I don’t think this demonstrates ‘women’ are raised to please others.

If my husband is unwell or even restless, the first thing he’ll do is sleep elsewhere so as not to disturb me. It’s just being considerate.

luxxlisbon · 16/03/2022 09:35

Yeah if he is usually caring then I would let it slide. It’s the middle of the night, you are both shattered and it is easy to not be rational.

Unless you are bedbound in the day I think waking him in the middle to look for spare blankets and prop you up is a bit much imo.

oioimatey · 16/03/2022 09:37

That does sound particularly nasty. Is this usual behaviour?

I hope he's apologised. I would never treat my DH like that.

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