To divorce him for this?

[Koalah]

I have flu plus an injury which hurts when I cough. Since I lay down in bed I’m huffing and struggling to breathe, sitting up then finally coughing and moaning in pain.

For the past 2-3 hours my husband has been sighing and whinging because I’m stopping him sleeping. Finally I asked him for help. I said I need propping up so I can breathe. He yelled at me well we don’t have any more pillows! So I said we have other stuff like blankets that could prop me up? But he has flung his pillow in my face and said I might as well have it because I’m stopping him sleeping anyway, and he’s stomped off to sleep on the sofa.

I burst out crying because he was so nasty, but he’s just ignored me and couldn’t care less that he’s made me cry. I am breathing a bit better because I’ve managed to prop myself up on his pillow now. Am I totally unreasonable to divorce him? He clearly doesn’t give a shit about me.

Presumably he has work today. I'd have made myself comfortable on the sofa with pillows, duvet and Netflix if I couldn't sleep all night. I had similar to you and lemsips really made a difference.

I hope you feel better.

I always find these types of posts so fascinating because it really does show how women are raised to please other people and put their own needs last. The OP has flu and is in pain yet she is expected to not make a fuss, prop herself up, get up and get pillows, move to another room, sit sleeping upright on the sofa.

Why should she not be expected to do those things, though? She's an adult and should be more than capable of looking after herself.

She also spent three hours (in her own words) huffing and moaning without either asking for help or getting up and sorting herself out.

I do sympathise with how shitty you can feel when you're unwell but I do think adults have a responsibility to look after themselves to a certain extent - there's certainly no need to huff and moan and have a case of the dramatics for three hours.

I always find these types of posts so fascinating because it really does show how women are raised to please other people and put their own needs last. The OP has flu and is in pain yet she is expected to not make a fuss, prop herself up, get up and get pillows, move to another room, sit sleeping upright on the sofa.

Nothing to do with women being raised to put their own needs first. I actually think the post would be pretty unanimous that the husband was behind unreasonable if he was waking his wife in the middle of the night ‘huffing, puffing and groaning’ and asking his wife to run around at god knows what time finding spare cushions and throws to prop him up!

Wow! Renaming an intimidating and humilitating act of throwing a pillow on a very ill person as a "30 second irritation". And OP, don't you know, when you hurt with every breath it is your fault for not having forseen that you might not get one ounce of sleep at night and SHOULD have brought extra pillows, blankets, cussions, drinks, medicines, hot water bottle etc and so as not to make a squeek and wake HRH up. After all what is stopping you

And all the bile for the OP poitning out that not everyone has a spare bed Well, if you don't have one let the vulnerable person take the uncomfortable sleeping option and go to the sofa. And typing on your phone is not as painful but let's ignore it. And act as if this is not a partnership because what would you do if you were alone and were not married

And I have seen quite a few men just in my family who look after permanently ill people without acting like toddlers so no, he doesn't get to be careless just because he is a man. FIL would sleep next to MIL to give anything she asked for.

@BetterCare

I always find these types of posts so fascinating because it really does show how women are raised to please other people and put their own needs last. The OP has flu and is in pain yet she is expected to not make a fuss, prop herself up, get up and get pillows, move to another room, sit sleeping upright on the sofa.

Yet what woman would treat someone in their own home who was unwell and in pain the way her husband treated her?

If the tables were turned and the OP had been the thoughtless and cruel one. This whole post would have been filled with responses about how she should have helped her husband, how she should never get angry and never throw things and how he needed his sleep and she should have thought about his needs before she went to bed.

I am not sure how much lower the bar can get for men and how much more women are just expected to take and put up with the shit that is piled on them.

OP I really hope you are feeling a bit better today.

If the tables were turned and the huffing, puffing and coughing were from a husband the thread would be full of people saying man child, man flu, dressing gown of doom, he just needs to get on with it, tell him to sleep on the couch, put a pillow over his face etc

He was very unpleasant but you wouldn’t get a judge to grant you a divorce based on one incident.

@Phos

He was very unpleasant but you wouldn’t get a judge to grant you a divorce based on one incident.

She won’t need a judge to grant her a divorce after this month 😉

Is this a wind up

I always find these types of posts so fascinating because it really does show how women are raised to please other people and put their own needs last. The OP has flu and is in pain yet she is expected to not make a fuss, prop herself up, get up and get pillows, move to another room, sit sleeping upright on the sofa.

I totally get that when you're injured and ill you want someone to help you. But first you need to articulate that. And, as a grown-up, even though you want help, and have asked for it explicitly, you do also need to prepare. So tissues ready, glass of water or throat sweets, bowl if you need to up-chuck, lots of pillows etc etc.

That doesn't excuse getting a pillow in the face, which is really bad and i hope OP is ok, but the PasAgg harumphing and noises would have driven me round the bend long before the 3 hours. So i would have asked my DH what he needed after about 10 munutes, then having ensured painkillers etc were available for OP, decamped to the sofa.

Having said that. When I'm the one doing the disturbing, i am usually the one who goes to the sofa. And when my DH is up and gone to work, i go back to bed.

Hope you're feeling a bit better today, OP. And to answer the question: if this is a regular pattern of behaviour, yes I'd consider divorce.
If it's a one-off I'd talk about it first.

That's a new one. Spare bed privilege?

Hide your spare beds people. Spare bed privilege police is out on patrol.

To be honest, if you couldn't breathe whilst lying down, you'd have found it more comfortable propped up on the sofa to keep your airway open.

If you work, you were clearly too sick to go in. If he works, he would be going in with disturbed sleep, so I think you were the one who should have slept elsewhere.

I think if you'd asked his help to relocate to the sofa and prop yourself up at the start of the three hours, he would have been a lot less grouchy. People are really vicious when they're tired, and when they know they won't get to sleep it off later because they have to be doing something.

It sounds like neither of you covered yourselves in glory, and you both had a rubbish night.

Unless you are neuro diverse or physically incapble you should be sorting out your sleeping position with out the run up three hour drama.
I'd be livid if dh had carried on like that.

@fairylightsandwaxmelts I understand what you are saying. Yes, she could have helped herself but it is a double standard always in these types of posts that fascinate me.

OP probably would not have treated him like that, she would probably have asked if he needed help hours earlier, she probably would not have thrown a pillow in his face and probably would have spent a great many hours running around after him.

Of course, people get grumpy when they are tired but there is a level of kindness you expect from a partner that women are derided for not giving but are blasted, as in this post, for expecting.

@BetterCare

I always find these types of posts so fascinating because it really does show how women are raised to please other people and put their own needs last. The OP has flu and is in pain yet she is expected to not make a fuss, prop herself up, get up and get pillows, move to another room, sit sleeping upright on the sofa.

Yet what woman would treat someone in their own home who was unwell and in pain the way her husband treated her?

If the tables were turned and the OP had been the thoughtless and cruel one. This whole post would have been filled with responses about how she should have helped her husband, how she should never get angry and never throw things and how he needed his sleep and she should have thought about his needs before she went to bed.

I am not sure how much lower the bar can get for men and how much more women are just expected to take and put up with the shit that is piled on them.

OP I really hope you are feeling a bit better today.

Listen I'm as feminist as they come but this post is bullshit. The sex of the person in this makes zero difference. If my DH is sick like this - as in can't sleep is restless/coughing etc he always goes down to the couch so he won't disturb me. No reason for 2 of us to be awake all night

If it was a one off, no. Divorce is upsetting, difficult, unpleasant, expensive and life changing. People who would divorce over a one off incident like this are not really taking the concept of a 'committed relationship' in the spirit it is intended.
If there was a pattern of behaviour that left me feeling uncared for, however, then probably.

I think your DH is knackered because you’re keeping him awake which you obviously can’t help but he snapped because he’s tired, we’ve all been there. I can see both sides tbh, I think I’d be snappy if DH kept me awake for nights at a time too even if he was sick. It’s hard being knackered.

The responses on this thread to the OP are 😲😲😲

Good god!

He’s a rude cunt! There is no need to ever aggressively throw a pillow in someone’s face.

Haven’t any of you ever felt so bad that you didn’t know where too it yourselves?!

Even for caring people, what’s the point of keeping both of you awake and then make you both grumpy in the morning. It makes no sense.
Your husband is unreasonable to throw the pillow at you however you’re unreasonable as an adult to keep him awake.
Just speak to each other, as an adult, you should be able to ask for his pillow within 30 minutes if it’ll help you sleep.
As an adult, he should have gone to the sofa within 30 minutes as well when he realised he can’t sleep with your huffing and puffing.
If he’s generally a good person then divorce seem ott

@Koalah

So many people who need to check their privilege - not everyone has another bed!

I wonder why posters get the impression that you are a drama llama.

I doubt I would divorce an otherwise beloved partner for this, no. Having your beauty sleep disturbed can have a pretty negative impact on someone's behaviour: sleep deprivation is a form of torture, after all.

If, however, this were the thin end of a bigger, more problematic wedge, or the eventual straw that broke the camel's back of an already struggling relationship, I might have a different view.

I naturally sleep in another room when dh is ill as I’m not good without sleep. It’s a form of torture and makes rational people turn into monsters.

3 hours huffing and puffing?
Yeah that would do my head in.

YABU

I'd get wound up with the hours of huffing and puffing too. Divorce sounds very over the top but it's up to you.

@BetterCare

I always find these types of posts so fascinating because it really does show how women are raised to please other people and put their own needs last. The OP has flu and is in pain yet she is expected to not make a fuss, prop herself up, get up and get pillows, move to another room, sit sleeping upright on the sofa.

Yet what woman would treat someone in their own home who was unwell and in pain the way her husband treated her?

If the tables were turned and the OP had been the thoughtless and cruel one. This whole post would have been filled with responses about how she should have helped her husband, how she should never get angry and never throw things and how he needed his sleep and she should have thought about his needs before she went to bed.

I am not sure how much lower the bar can get for men and how much more women are just expected to take and put up with the shit that is piled on them.

OP I really hope you are feeling a bit better today.

This absolutely.

If your partner feels like crap shouldn't you want to help them and put their needs first?

I know I do and any guest we have in our house as well.