To divorce him for this?

[Koalah]

I have flu plus an injury which hurts when I cough. Since I lay down in bed I’m huffing and struggling to breathe, sitting up then finally coughing and moaning in pain.

For the past 2-3 hours my husband has been sighing and whinging because I’m stopping him sleeping. Finally I asked him for help. I said I need propping up so I can breathe. He yelled at me well we don’t have any more pillows! So I said we have other stuff like blankets that could prop me up? But he has flung his pillow in my face and said I might as well have it because I’m stopping him sleeping anyway, and he’s stomped off to sleep on the sofa.

I burst out crying because he was so nasty, but he’s just ignored me and couldn’t care less that he’s made me cry. I am breathing a bit better because I’ve managed to prop myself up on his pillow now. Am I totally unreasonable to divorce him? He clearly doesn’t give a shit about me.

You might be doing the poor man a favour.

Has he got work to get up for? I'd be incredibly pissed off at someone 'huffing and puffing' keeping me awake half the night then acting like a baby asking to be propped up.

Throwing a pillow isn't exactly wonderful behaviour.

But then brighter is rolling around moaning and groaning half the night attention seeking and then crying in the middle of the night.

Being a woman doesn't give you a free pass to do what the hell you like.

Babies keep people awake at night.

@Salmakia

All these women here saying you are being unreasonable are likely accepting of terrible behaviour in their own relationships too. You deserve better and actually so do they. But for now it is important to ignore them - no you are not being unreasonable in wanting to leave a man who disrespects you when you are most in need of care and support. He will only get worse. And just for context I have been suffering with poor sleep for the last few days/week or so. My partner goes to bed before me and I stay up till I am exhausted enough to think I will be able to sleep a bit. I of course try not to disturb them but I sometimes do. They NEVER huff and puff at me. Last night when going to bed they asked me to give me a rough time I thought I might be up as sometimes they wake up and I'm not there and they like to know if I'll be up soon when they wake or if they should go back to sleep. That's reasonable communication between people who love each other. Huffing and puffing and throwing pillows is not. You deserve better.

Bullshit. I don't accept "terrible" behaviour from my husband at all equally I don't behave like the OP would either. Honestly you think huffing and puffing and moaning for 3 hours in the middle of the night is OK behaviour? Why are you only focusing on her husbands behaviour, hers was awful too

@Weekendtobegin

Throwing a pillow isn't exactly wonderful behaviour.

But then brighter is rolling around moaning and groaning half the night attention seeking and then crying in the middle of the night.

Being a woman doesn't give you a free pass to do what the hell you like.

Babies keep people awake at night.

so if the OP and many mothers/women before her have been able to cope with waking with a baby, surely he should be able to cope with ONE night of disrrupted sleep?

Or is that too much to ask from a man?

Why is it always women who have to change their behaviour, smooth things over and make everything fine for their partner but men are always portrayed as a helpless, weak figure who can't be asked to do anything out of their ordinary life (even if it's their partner daily life)??

@Wotrewelookinat

When I’m coughing etc like that I sleep on the sofa. I know I’m not going to get much sleep anyway, so I can sit/lie there watching tv, making endless cups of tea, snoozing, and DH gets sleep so at least we have 1 fully functioning adult in the morning!

Well I can't sleep on the sofa. It's a small twp person sofa. I don't have a spare room.

Where do you think I should go to avoid disrupting my DH when I am coughing?

Assuming that the OP can go in a different room is coming from a very priviledged position.

And of course, tthat's before having a discussion on who should move out of the bedroom? The person who is well and can cope with a lesser quality sleep or the person who is ill and injured?
Im pretty sure that if it was a man being injured and ill, there would be calls for the OP to go the spare bedroom so he could sleep as well as he copuld.....

Assuming that the OP can go in a different room is coming from a very priviledged position.

No it's coming from her OP where she says that her husband went and slept on couch...........

It's got nothing to do with being a man or a woman and everything to do with being an adult.

I'm a woman and if my husband kept me awake half the night huffing and puffing then asked me to prop him up with pillow then started crying I'd be wondering who I'd married.

@Koalah

So many people who need to check their privilege - not everyone has another bed!

And not everyone has a partner/gopher either so maybe quit whinging and sort YOURSELF out!

If you can get on here to start a thread about it, I reckon you can prop yourself up, unless the injury is a quadruple amputation.

The way I see it, if I can't sleep, I can't sleep. There is no need for my husband to also not sleep. That way he can pick up the slack in the daytime and I can have a lovely rest.

@AryaStarkWolf

Assuming that the OP can go in a different room is coming from a very priviledged position.

No it's coming from her OP where she says that her husband went and slept on couch...........

Who say that SHE could sleep on the couch though? Aka the couch is good enough to be like a bed.

I mean a couch is hardly comfortable in the first place so why do you assume that thenOP who is injured can do that?
Would you expect someone with a bad back to sleep in the couch for example or would you leave them in the bed so they can get more comfortable?

The fact the the DH could sleep there doesn’t mean she could.

My couch is really comfy.

And if dps back is bad, he prefers it on there. Because he can prop himself into a better position.

Well I can't sleep on the sofa. It's a small twp person sofa. I don't have a spare room.

So how would this play out with you and your DH? Assume you are OP, would you spend 3 hours moaning and groaning, or would you and your DH have a realistic discussion before bed making sure you were comfortable with things you need within reach, and you'd both do your best to get as much sleep as possible?

Pity OP didn't come back, i wanted to know if she was ok.

I mean a couch is hardly comfortable in the first place so why do you assume that thenOP who is injured can do that?

Well she was whinging about being propped up so surely that would be easier on the sofa

Why on earth wouldn't you go and sleep on the sofa in the first place where you can prop yourself up instead of going to bed and keeping your OH awake? So he can stay awake and share you pain, like a child would expect?

People aren’t rational when they are tired. I genuinely don’t think you need to keep moaning from pain when you have someone trying to sleep next to you though: can’t you wince silently so as not to disturb him? I was recently in hospital and most of us on the ward were clearly in pain but we weren’t all moaning out loud from it and especially not at night. You stifle it!

@Brefugee

Well I can't sleep on the sofa. It's a small twp person sofa. I don't have a spare room.

So how would this play out with you and your DH? Assume you are OP, would you spend 3 hours moaning and groaning, or would you and your DH have a realistic discussion before bed making sure you were comfortable with things you need within reach, and you'd both do your best to get as much sleep as possible?

Pity OP didn't come back, i wanted to know if she was ok.

We both stay in bed?

I’ve been known to moan from the pain (eg trying to turn in bed and having a bad back).
We BOTH have had episodes of coughing at night.
DH often has insomnia.

In all of those situations, we move around and disturb the other. We try not to and always accept that sometimes you can’t help it.
DH has never grumbled me moaning from pain. Rather he got worried. He would have helped if I had needed help propping up. Because you know. Pain.
I never got annoyed at him waking me up because he was tossing and turning.

I don’t know. Is that not normal behaviour?

I don't know @TravellingFrom - I think it is normal to be annoyed if someone is keeping you awake, especially if they could do something about it and are choosing not to.

I mean, I'm full of sympathy for people who have dosed themselves up on medication and still feel awful, but I don't really have time for people who whinge and moan and expect help from others when they've done nothing to help themselves.

I wouldn't have much patience for OP as instead of asking for help or getting up and sorting herself out, she "huffed and moaned" for three hours instead.

I just don't have much tolerance for grown adults who huff and moan and act like stroppy toddlers in need of a cuddle. OP is an adult and should be able to verbalise her needs or get up and sort herself out - there was no need for her to keep her husband awake with her dramatics.

I don’t know. Is that not normal behaviour?

I would think so if you don't have the option of a sofa and you and your partner aren't being dicks.

It is awful being tired, but where you have a sofa or spare bed option? take it. (if i were OPs DH and it being clear she wasn't going to stop i would have given her the pillows etc and then gone to the sofa, not smacked her in the face with a pillow. But we're all different. If this has been going on for a few days i can well believe that he didn't behave rationally)

The three hours of huffing, puffing, and moaning would have probably driven me a bit ragey too- if you needed help three hours ago- why not ask for it then? If you felt in the middle of the night you needed blankets and things to sit up better- could you not have gotten them? I agree his response was less than stellar- he sounded like he acted like a bit of an arse, but three hours of moaning would have probably made me a bit short fused too.

What’s he like normally?

I’m sorry you’re ill, but why couldn’t you prop yourself up with blankets instead of asking him, when you knew you were keeping him awake and he was irritated? Or you could have tried sleeping in an armchair or propped on the sofa if you’d run out of pillows.

Being kept awake by someone coughing/sniffing/snoring can drive even the most patient sympathetic person to rage. Of course it’s not your fault, but neither is it his.

I currently have covid and SPD and wouldn’t dream of subjecting my husband to my attempts to sleep at night! We have a guest bed but if we didn’t I’d sleep on the air bed and make sure I had enough pillows before I went to bed!

@Thumpkin

People aren’t rational when they are tired. I genuinely don’t think you need to keep moaning from pain when you have someone trying to sleep next to you though: can’t you wince silently so as not to disturb him? I was recently in hospital and most of us on the ward were clearly in pain but we weren’t all moaning out loud from it and especially not at night. You stifle it!

I had surgery a while back, didn't moan in pain in the hospital, but then I had loads of painkillers and an electric bed that made it easier to get out of bed. Pretty sure I did at least gasp in pain, if not let out an occasional moan when trying to get in or out of bed at home.

Different to being ill though, when I think the only time I've moaned in pain I had a horrendous stomach bug, couldn't keep painkillers down and was aching all over and probably a bit delirious.

The OP, I have no idea if she's being dramatic or not - we have no idea what the injury is. DH did moan and struggle when he had flu and had broken a rib from coughing, and I never snapped or hit him in the face with a pillow, but I knew he was genuinely in a lot of pain and discomfort.

@JinglingHellsBells

Are you sure you do not have Covid?

There is no flu in the UK this year (waits for posters to say otherwise.)

Seriously, I wonder if you have done a LT or PCR because if you think you have flu it maybe Covid.

If you are struggling to breathe, seriously, you ought to call 111 and ask for advice, or make an appt with your GP, go to an out of hours, or whatever you can.

Your H is being selfish.

I can't say if you ought to divorce him as it depends if this is a one-off or there is a history of this.

He sounds uncaring for sure.

Covid is not the only virus! There are some really awful viruses that are worse than Covid. There seems to be a bug that’s going around at the moment. I know quite a few people that have been really ill recently and tested negative for Covid.

@travellingFrom that's such a reach, are we pretending her couch is made from nails now just to back the OPs point of view? The fact that her DH went to sleep there implies it's OK to sleep on