To divorce him for this?

[Koalah]

I have flu plus an injury which hurts when I cough. Since I lay down in bed I’m huffing and struggling to breathe, sitting up then finally coughing and moaning in pain.

For the past 2-3 hours my husband has been sighing and whinging because I’m stopping him sleeping. Finally I asked him for help. I said I need propping up so I can breathe. He yelled at me well we don’t have any more pillows! So I said we have other stuff like blankets that could prop me up? But he has flung his pillow in my face and said I might as well have it because I’m stopping him sleeping anyway, and he’s stomped off to sleep on the sofa.

I burst out crying because he was so nasty, but he’s just ignored me and couldn’t care less that he’s made me cry. I am breathing a bit better because I’ve managed to prop myself up on his pillow now. Am I totally unreasonable to divorce him? He clearly doesn’t give a shit about me.

Honestly I'd have slept on the sofa if I was him, feel sorry for you but it does sound like you're being quite melodramatic. I'd be very frustrated if I had work the next day and DH was doing what you're doing, sorry.

I agree with PPs that we need to take behaviour in the middle of the night with a pinch of salt. When dealing with DC’s wake ups in the middle of the night, I’m ready to strange DH the second he says a word. And don’t get me started on him snoring whilst I’m awake.

Night rage is real. Very real.

Hopefully you will have both calmed down by now and are both feeling happier.

*strangle

When I had this I slept on the sofa as I could prop myself up a lot easier than in a bed.

Oh dear Op, you're being melodramatic and disturbing poor hubby's sleep.

On the other hand you're very ill, you're in pain and the twat has just had a go at you and thrown a pillow at your head. Instead of making sure you were comfortable as possible hours ago and taking himself off to sleep elsewhere. Possibly checking in on you after a few hours.
The bar is very low with many of the women on here and it's very sad that their first instinct is to minimalise this as something to be put up with just because it's a nigh time thing.
The fuckwit moaned and winged for hours next to Op while she suffered. During that he could have tried to make her comfortable so that she might actually get a chance to sleep, then taken himself off elsewhere.

I’m sorry you’re not well OP.

I don’t think this is a yabu vs yanbu question. Instead reflect on the whole marriage. Does he usually treat you with care, or is he always self centred? Does he only like you when you’re strong, and usually abandon you when you need help? Were you genuinely in so much pain that you needed help, or was it a situation you could have handled alone? Can you imagine growing old with this man and relying on him when you need a carer? Do you love him and believe he loves you? Only you can answer these questions.

I hope you feel better soon.

This is all very dramatic. When I have needed to sleep propped up I slept on the sofa as it’s naturally more suitable than the bed. Unless I was imminently close to death I wouldn’t expect my husband to be acting as a nurse. Things always seem worse in the middle of the night.

I do feel sorry for you but if my husband had been keeping me awake by huffing and moaning in pain for three hours and then asked me to prop him because he physically wasn’t able, I do think I’d have lost my shit and told him he clearly either needed an ambulance or was being a drama queen.

YABU but so is he. Behave like grown ups. See to your own needs, find a way to sleep in separate rooms and stop scrapping and huffing like children.

I think a number of people live by themselves and don't have the luxury of getting waited on when ill. They look after themselves. It's entirely possible. It's not a reflection of women putting their needs last. If you have a partner, it's about communicating and asking for what you need. Not performance moaning for three hours hoping someone gets the hint.

Growing up with male performance illness, I have zero tolerance regardless of the gender of the ill person.

If your partner feels like crap shouldn't you want to help them and put their needs first?

Yes, but only if they've done everything they can to help themselves first, or if they're physically incapable of getting up and sorting themselves out.

I have very little sympathy for grown adults who won't take steps to help themselves but who are happy to huff and moan for hours instead.

@luxxlisbon

I always find these types of posts so fascinating because it really does show how women are raised to please other people and put their own needs last. The OP has flu and is in pain yet she is expected to not make a fuss, prop herself up, get up and get pillows, move to another room, sit sleeping upright on the sofa.

Nothing to do with women being raised to put their own needs first. I actually think the post would be pretty unanimous that the husband was behind unreasonable if he was waking his wife in the middle of the night ‘huffing, puffing and groaning’ and asking his wife to run around at god knows what time finding spare cushions and throws to prop him up!

This. Sorry OP, I’d be fuming if this was my husband, I don’t mind looking after him but that would be just taking the piss, you keeping him awake for 3 hours so then you can demand him go get you more pillows and blankets etc in the middle of the night is just martyring yourself and nobody likes a Martyr 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Phos

He was very unpleasant but you wouldn’t get a judge to grant you a divorce based on one incident.

That's wrong. If a party to a marriage decides that marriage is over, then it's over.

There doesn't haven't to be a pages-long justification/grounds for divorce on any petition: most solicitors just keep these short and sweet. Nobody really cares what those grounds are; few are likely to read them in any event.

@luxxlisbon Have you read Mumsnet? The minute a women shows any level of being angry she is lambasted on this platform. The minute a women just snaps because she is at the end of her tether Mumsnet considers her weak because was wasn’t being a perfect person.

Of course she could have helped herself, of course she was probably a bit annoying but she is at a low. She feels unwell, she is in pain, she is probably very tired too and all she wanted was a bit of kindness and not a pillow in the face.

I'm just here for the drip feed.

Your DH should've gone to the sofa within the hour of huffing and puffing. After 3hrs of being kept awake anyone would be at the end of their tether.

But if you divorce him then whom are you going to moan to tonight for not propping you up? As someone said before, if you can't prop yourself it sounds serious enough for an ambulance. Are you able to get yourself up and go to the toilet or do you need assistance?

well, either you are extremely ill, and can't prop yourself up, can't move, need serious levels of help

Or you were being dramatic

All we know is you were groaning and huffing for 3 hours, preventing you and your DH having any sleep

Hope you feel better soon, but tbh your arrangement sounds bad. Can one of you sleep on the sofa?

or maybe you can try and sleep a bit during the day?

How are you coping during the day, is your husband out at work or is he staying at home having to care for you (as you are inured as well as ill and can't move? Can you get to the toilet? Can you feed yourself? Get to the kitchen?)

It's hard to know really what your set-up is...

Depends what he is like usually.

I have zero sympathy when anyone is ill. I rarely get ill and have a high pain threshold, so i really struggle to empathise with how someone feels when they are ill.

I would have chucked a pillow to you also to be honest. are you really that ill you couldn't have got it yourself and needed to wake him up to get you one??

YABU yes. Whenever I'm ill (frequently with a school aged child), I sleep on the sofa or on an air bed. I wouldn't want to keep other people awake with my snorting.

Moaning in pain ?!!

I'll bite. We don't. But when one of us is coughing, moaning and groaning they usually say "I'll sleep on the sofa" and then the non ill/injured one of us says "don't be daft I will" and then does.

We're the same, the only problem is it doesn't make any difference if one of us is coughing as we're in a flat the the living room is next to the bedroom! We usually just end up getting on with it and staying in the same room.

Lack of sleep makes assholes of us all.

Bettercare - I always find these types of posts so fascinating because it really does show how women are raised to please other people and put their own needs last. The OP has flu and is in pain yet she is expected to not make a fuss, prop herself up, get up and get pillows, move to another room, sit sleeping upright on the sofa.

Yet what woman would treat someone in their own home who was unwell and in pain the way her husband treated her?

Any normal woman?
Unwell and in pain is very subjective. I’ve been married for decades. I have been very clear with DH if he is unwell (whether that was during night or day when I was asleep as I worked shifts) - if he was ‘unwell and in pain’, unless it’s a situation where he needs an ambulance then it’s pretty reprehensible to wake someone up/keep them awake/act like a dick. If it is such that you truly can’t prop yourself up then you probably need to be in an urgent care situation, not home in bed. I’ve been woken a handful of times, ascertained quickly it was not serious or life threatening and at that point I turn back over. If there was a request at that time of pillows, blankets, propping up then he would well and truly need A&E for a different reason! Not sure about this woman spiel you are trying to peddle.

Do you have a physical disability so that you cannot prop yourself up, get blankets or maybe even sleep on the sofa more upright (I did that when pregnant).

If not then YABU and as an adult should try to sort yourself. What it boils down to is you wanted pity and he wanted to sleep. You felt neglected and sorry for yourself and so went straight to divorce him option.

Divorce - so how is it generally? Do you love him? Trust him? Want to spend time with him? The consider your answers.

I HATE when people keep me from sleeping.
If you can't breathe laying down then sleep sitting up on the sofa

I'm sort of the same. If my husband did any of this, I'd be leaving them to it so I could get some sleep.