To divorce him for this?

[Koalah]

I have flu plus an injury which hurts when I cough. Since I lay down in bed I’m huffing and struggling to breathe, sitting up then finally coughing and moaning in pain.

For the past 2-3 hours my husband has been sighing and whinging because I’m stopping him sleeping. Finally I asked him for help. I said I need propping up so I can breathe. He yelled at me well we don’t have any more pillows! So I said we have other stuff like blankets that could prop me up? But he has flung his pillow in my face and said I might as well have it because I’m stopping him sleeping anyway, and he’s stomped off to sleep on the sofa.

I burst out crying because he was so nasty, but he’s just ignored me and couldn’t care less that he’s made me cry. I am breathing a bit better because I’ve managed to prop myself up on his pillow now. Am I totally unreasonable to divorce him? He clearly doesn’t give a shit about me.

@k1233

You're an adult. You're capable of sorting out suitable sleeping arrangements.

I got the rage just reading Since I lay down in bed I’m huffing and struggling to breathe, sitting up then finally coughing and moaning in pain.

Sounds like you're constantly moving and performance moaning - like man flu. Man flu gives me the rage.

😂😂😂. Very true. Sorry OP, you might be unwell but you sound like you’re being very annoying too.

So many people who need to check their privilege - not everyone has another bed!

I'll bite. We don't. But when one of us is coughing, moaning and groaning they usually say "I'll sleep on the sofa" and then the non ill/injured one of us says "don't be daft I will" and then does.

It does sound a bit overboard, and if this has been going on a while i can see how being tired would make him grumpy. You probably need a good discussion when you're both less tired.

Hope you feel better soon, OP

If my husband kept asking me to prop him up I'd get a little short tempered too.

I think he sounds horrible! X

@Koalah

So many people who need to check their privilege - not everyone has another bed!

Haha. Welcome to MN.

Everyone has a fully furnished spare room. All children have their own bedroom with double bed. Everyone has an ensuite and if they don't they have a Jack and Jill.

That's as bad as shaking a baby because it's crying and YOU'RE tired !

Its really not. What's wrong with you?

Baby's don't have words to communicate. A baby can't do anything for itself, cant predict it would be (in this case) better to get in a different position, fathe than spending 3 hours in a position thays uncomfortable.

Shaking a baby can kill the baby. Nothing like the same at all. Unless you believe the ops flu means she has lost all mental capacity and has actually regressed to Infant state.....but retained the ability to just post on MN.

This behaviour is unacceptable. Surely in any loving relationship night or day if your partner was unwell and needed anything or help, no matter what you would be there / help them.

There are some utter arseholes on this thread.

OP, you deserve better than being married to an uncaring arse. I'd look after my ill husband and I'd expect him to look after me too. I don't think that's too much to ask. Hope you feel better soon

Wow. Bit of a pile on.

There's a difference between getting a bit tetchy because you're irritated with being kept awake and yelling in someone's face and throwing a pillow at them.

If she could have asked earlier in the night, equally he could have asked at the beginning of the night if she needed anything and then offered to sleep in the other room. She's the ill one and it's a bit much for her to have to sleep on the sofa.

I don't know OP and perhaps she is often needy. But there are other ways of dealing with it than yelling and chucking things at them. I doubt this is a one off incident. Surely we should be kindest to the person we love the most and no one would do this to a stranger.

I hope you've managed to rest OP, and that you're feeling a bit better this morning.

I also hope that your DH is apologetic for his outburst, and that it was just the middle of the night sleep deprevation anger talking. Apparently it's called slangry. ( www.usa.philips.com/c-e/hs/better-sleep-breathing-blog/better-sleep/are-you-slangry.html )

@Mummytotwonow

This behaviour is unacceptable. Surely in any loving relationship night or day if your partner was unwell and needed anything or help, no matter what you would be there / help them.

I think its completely unrealistic to expect your parenteral to react perfectly all the time. I am sure non of us do.

That's why loads of people asked what he was normally like. But op ignored that to have a go about 'spare bed privilege'. Despite, I am guessing, loads of us not having a spare bed.

It sounds as if the pain is a big issue in this. Can you take paracetamol (or cocodamol) and ibuprofen? If you can, alternate taking these. It will alleviate the flu symptoms to some extent too.

Maybe your partner could pick you up a few pillows today to help you sit up. If breathing is a real issue, you should seek medical assistance.

Yabu. Its shite to be ill and in pain but it's not fair to make everyone else suffer. I find it laughable that your talking about divorce because he wouldnt roll you a blanket.

My ex used to do things like this to ensure that suffering was always somewhat shared, it was fairly abusive in itself, if we're throwing that word about.

Agree, but mainly why did you both continue sharing the bed, after 20 mins one of us would have moved to the sofa (in this example the ill one as its easier to be propped up on the sofa.

There is always so much drama around co sleeping with children and the thought children need to be in their own bed but the amount of adults that seem incapable to not sleep in the same bed is astounding.

He's in the wrong, but I'd hardly call this grounds for divorce...

YAB a bit U. Men aren't always as thoughtful as we'd like but this doesn't sound like grounds for divorce unless in the context of other issues. I had a terrible chest infection a few years back and was lying in bed desperate for a drink. I woke my bf (now dh) to ask him to go downstairs and get me one as I knew I was too poorly and he told me off for waking him and refused. I struggled down and upstairs just about, vomitted from the effort and almost passed out Was I mad at him for being so callous? Absolutely! Did it stop us getting married? Not at all because on the whole he bends over backwards for me and adores me. He's just not a great nurse haha. To be fair as well he's the type that likes to just be left alone when he's sick. If I offer to nurse him he rejects it so I think it's hard for him to understand people needing mollycoddling when they're ill IYSWIM. Tell your husband you're upset by all means and talk it through. Try and think whether you can actually do something for yourself rather than waiting 3 hours and if it's the worst of your marrital issues I'm sure you can work it out x

Well, I feel it's very much about context. Like other posters, I would want to know if he is normally uncaring or if he is reacting to disturbed sleep, which can turn the most patient person into a grumpy bastard. Is this the first night you've been unwell or is it the culmination of several nights of you and he both suffering from disturbed sleep? Has he been lying there listening to your 'coughing and moaning in pain' for the full '2-3 hours' or has he only just come to bed?

He could have been more considerate and helped you prop yourself up with cushions from the sofa if there were no more pillows, then gone and slept elsewhere rather than stomping off. But if he doesn't normally behave this way, I would put it down to lack of sleep.

As others have said, it might have been more sensible to make yourself comfortable a lot sooner, rather than waiting for hours, then deciding a few pillows or cushions might alleviate the problem. If your husband is a decent human being, he will probably feel bad this morning for being so grumpy and reactionary, but when you're in the middle of it all and suffering from lack of sleep, it can be difficult to think straight. I know I feel full of boiling rage when something or someone keeps me awake and I'm not normally an angry person.

I'm not sure on this one - you really spent 3 hours huffing and puffing and moaning in pain? Without once going to get yourself the blanket to prop yourself up? Tbh this sounds a bit OTT and ridiculous, if someone's husband had done this they'd be accused of wearing the dressing gown of doom and being over dramatic.

I'd be annoying if my DH kept me awake for 3 hours then suggested I prop him up on blankets - I'd expect that to have happened within the first half an hour or so!

He had a 30 second irritation in the several hours OP has admitted she was moaning and twisting throughout that shes now considering divorce due to THIS irritation.

Nothing has been said about the status of relationship, so as OP has asked should she divorce him on this, she is being unreasonable.

I’m not going to say he was X,Y and Z because frankly we don’t know, so il base my opinion on what OP has written here.

Most people would be irritable if they’ve been kept awake not only by noise but my movement for several hours no one is perfect, more so when your sleep deprived.

OP although unwell

there is so many variables here.

has this been going on a few nights? not excusing the shouting/throwing pillow but anyone who is chronically sleep deprived is not thinking straight.

what is the injury? does it affect your mobility? if so, why did this go on for 3 hours? I dont understand why you did not ask for help earlier - I can only assume you were waiting for him to ask if you were okay.

the whole thing could of been avoided imo if you had asked for help 3 hours prior

Get rid. Seriously. My ex/ father of my children, was like this. I damaged my leg badly when we had a toddler and a 5mo baby. I was struggling to get up the stairs for a wee and asked for help. He ripped a crutch off me and hit me with it. I weed myself on the stairs and he just stood there and shouted at me.
Throwing a pillow in your face when very poorly.. just not acceptable!

Honestly three hours in the middle of the night huffing and puffing and moaning in pain... I'd have been irritated too.. it's awful to be sick but there is no point in him being awake all night too which Is what you appear to expect

I would never throw a pillow in someone's face. Let alone my sick partner's.

It sounds mild because we all 'know' pillows are soft and fluffy. But for anyone who has been smacked in the face with a pillow it doesn't feel like that at all.

Ywnbu to leave this violent man.

As a general rule of thumb, anything that gets yelled in anger past midnight when both people are shattered and poorly... doesn't count. Otherwise DH and I would have divorced each other 3 times a week during the early days of newborn sleep deprivation. Everything looks hideous at 3am.

Sit both of you down with a cup of tea a bit later and work something out. Ask him to get you an extra pillow before bed. Order him some earplugs. Make up the sofa as a makeshift for him if needed. Hunker yourself down and this too shall pass.

Obviously if he is usually an uncaring git even during daylight hours that's a different story and separation may be warranted.

I (fairly lightheartedly) threatened to divorce my husband yesterday for waking me up at 4.30am coughing and then being sick (long covid). Adults absolutely should manage their own illness in the middle of the night, especially if the other person has to get up for work. Presumably with an injury and flu you are signed off work and hopefully have no small dcs to look after the following day. Therefore you could go downstairs in the sofa. And even if you do have dcs, your dh should be taking leave to look after them in the day so you can then catch up on sleep.

Sorry you feel shit though, but I am much more sympathetic to my dh if he takes his illnesses out of my bed and lets me sleep. I am vile without enough sleep, can tolerate it with dcs being ill, but another adult wanting faffing and sympathy when I should be asleep gives me the rage.

I have only ever once woken dh up in 16 years because I was ill and that required an A and E trip.