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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner has left me, I'm devastated

269 replies

LakeIsle48 · 15/03/2022 22:29

Hi I hope all is well. My partner of 9 years has left me completely out of the blue. We were so close and had such a good time but suddenly it's all over. I am completely devastated. I honestly don't know how I will ever recover.

I have been having some menopausal problems with memory loss and concentration. He did show some signs that he was losing his patience at times. I tried to keep him informed about how I was feeling. We still have a good physical relationship. He just ended it today and I'm really upset

He was so cold when he told me it was over and shamefully I begged him not to end it.

I'm 56 and I'm worried about my future alone. I can't believe that he ended it so brutally.

I've read about other mums who have been in my position and my heart goes out to them. I feel utterly dumped and my heart is smashed to pieces. Thanks for reading x

OP posts:
polliemath · 13/04/2022 01:57

Op?

Original poster
LakeIsle48 · 13/04/2022 01:58

If anyone is awake I'd appreciate a chat x

OP posts:
polliemath · 13/04/2022 02:02

I'm battling insomnia so I'm here...you ok? I am a veteran of Mumsnet holding my hand in the wee small hours btw

SerialNameChanger2114 · 13/04/2022 02:02

I’m awake. You ok?

LondonQueen · 13/04/2022 02:03

Don't panic about courts/the police, in cases of domestic abuse you're very unlikely to have to go and stand up in court, it would be through a secure video link so that you wouldn't see him.
Drinking won't help unfortunately, it'll make it harder for you to think logically, don't drink any more than you have already, is there anything non alcoholic you can drink? I like full fat coke.

braindump · 13/04/2022 02:06

The booze weakens resolve and magnifies the worry plus you feel like crap the next day. Try to avoid altho self easier said than done ... have only read a bit so playing catch up but agree with London ... court threats etc are almost always overblown

Tobacco · 13/04/2022 02:21

Could you go to the gp and get anti depressants to help instead of drinking? I got some when dh died suddenly and it did help. They helped with sleep too.

PyjamasOClock · 13/04/2022 02:25

I've been there with the alcohol, though it's mostly been me that's ended relationships. It really does wreck your next day. The anxiety you have with the hangover was always the worst for me. I relapsed a couple of months ago after 5.5 wonderful years of sobriety, and another 4.5 before that. So if you are sedated enough by the alcohol to sleep, go sleep, and we'll be here in the morning, and the evening, to get you a few alcohol free days. You'll be amazed by how much your psychological wellbeing improves with that. Mumsnet has kept me company during recovering nights - I just read everything and feel a little more connected. But if you are drunk enough to sleep I'd honestly do that now, and your thread will be here with handholds in the morning.

Original poster
LakeIsle48 · 13/04/2022 02:38

I think I duplicated my message. I've given myself a talking to. Women everywhere have tough times. My problems are are really bullshit compared to mums who have real problems. I genuinely apologise for being so ridiculous. Big deal, my partner left me. It was long overdue. I read about very serious stories on MN. I'm ashamed to be crying over a heartbreak when I will survive. My heart goes out to mums who have it really tough. Sorry for being so full of s**t. Thanks as always and for being around 24/7. You do an incredible job. I'm in awe of most mums xxx

I've learned a lot about real problems from MN. I 100% apologise for stupid, inane things I posted. I am genuinely in awe of a lot of mums who actually know how tough it is. I'm thinking about all the mums and love to hear everyone's stories. Big Love to the Mums xxx

OP posts:
Throckmorton · 13/04/2022 02:43

Hey, don't be ashamed, what you've gone through is really rough! Have some tea and a virtual hug

DontStopMeNow7 · 13/04/2022 02:43

I’m seeing the good side of mumsnet right now, with people being there for each other.
I went through a phase of drinking too much for a couple of years when my house got broken into due to a stalking type incident. The police were very supportive and victim support were there too. I was honestly quite a mess for a while and no one else seemed to understand. See if you can channel your feelings into something creative. At my lowest point in life I somehow wrote some beautiful poetry, the one good thing that came out of it. I take amitriptyline these days and it helps me sleep. I would try to find some counselling as it really does help.

I might have missed some of the story but from what I can understand, you went through a recent breakup and since then your ex-partner has assaulted you? How did that come about? I’m also wondering if this is the first time this has happened? Reading between the lines, I’m guessing it’s not? Ive been there and I hope you’re okay.

Original poster
LakeIsle48 · 13/04/2022 02:45

Pyjamas, you are 100% right. Sleep well. Catch up soon x

OP posts:
Original poster
LakeIsle48 · 13/04/2022 03:03

When I was in my teens my sister and some friends used to knit in our sitting room. We loved it. We used to scream when our dog used to come into the room and wreck our wool. I really loved those days. I'm going to get wool and a pattern and start knitting again. It is so enjoyable

OP posts:
DontStopMeNow7 · 13/04/2022 03:21

Fabulous idea! :-)
Btw would you want a pet now?
Also, op, your problems are no less important than anyone else’s. Your feelings matter. Just remember that.

Original poster
LakeIsle48 · 13/04/2022 04:11

I would love to get a dog. I'm just not sure about the commitment. I'm not working now because I'm off on the sick. If I could work out how to pay my mortgage I would absolutely love to get a dog or a cat. Crazy as it sounds animals love me. I don't know why. Realistically how could I do that.

Maybe I could downsize. My house isnt that big and if I sold it I'd have to buy somewhere else to live

OP posts:
Stillfunny · 13/04/2022 04:32

I am awake here also in Ireland. God, here it really is either tea or drink , isn't it ? No need to t ell you what a slippery slope drinking alone to deal with pain is , it is all around us .
So much of your grief resonates with me .My relationship of over 30 years is over. Different in that it was a long drawn out separation after I discovered his betrayal and then he wouldn't leave . But the cold way he has behaved since is the same.
Too much detail to go into now anyway. And I hid away from people for a long time too.
Shit position financially but I can only deal with it as best I can . It is good that you are spared that concern.

I am 60 and have been on HRT for years . Would not be without it . Maybe talk to your GP and you might even get some advice about how to control your drinking.

You sound like a strong woman . I hope you get some support from your family and friends .

And I am picking up my rescue dog this week!

DontStopMeNow7 · 13/04/2022 04:33

I think animals like good hearted people. They have a sixth sense about people. Maybe getting a dog is something you can have as a plan for the future. I understand the commitment thing; my cat died a couple of months ago and I’d love to get more cats again but like you I’m also off sick right now which brings some uncertainty..,so it’s not the best time.
I figure some volunteer work in an animal shelter might tide me over,,,? Idk about you but sometimes I prefer animals to people!

DontStopMeNow7 · 13/04/2022 04:39

I’ve also been through some horrendous break ups. It is devastating at the time, regardless of what that person was like.

I’m only just experiencing first signs of menopause and somehow it is quite unpleasant. I agree with @Stillfunny op; I bet you are stronger than you even know.

Original poster
LakeIsle48 · 13/04/2022 04:45

Normally I could look for work but with my cognitive problems I cant even apply for a job. I got Covid and hit the menopause at the same time

My GP, who I trust implicitly has been conducting research about the impact/collision of hitting the menopause along with Long Covid. I'm going to get an appointment to see her as soon as I can

OP posts:
Original poster
LakeIsle48 · 13/04/2022 04:47

Thanks again for being so kind and non judgemental. Thank God again for Mumsnet x

OP posts:
Villagewaspbyke · 13/04/2022 04:50

So sorry to hear that op. Thinking of you and wishing you the best.

I’m a single mum and like many I actually enjoy having my own space and choices. I know that things will be really hard at the moment but just wanted to say that being single isn’t all bad and I find a lot of positives in it. I am sure you will too in time or find someone else who doesn’t treat you like your ex.

Original poster
LakeIsle48 · 13/04/2022 04:51

Exactly Bold! I hear you loud and clear!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
LakeIsle48 · 13/04/2022 04:55

Cream Egg, spot on!!! I hear you my friend x

OP posts:
Villagewaspbyke · 13/04/2022 05:00

Also I third getting a dog. My lovely pooch brings me so much love.

Sorry to hear you’re having issues with alcohol. I struggled a bit for a while drinking every night during lockdown. I found a local group to help abs while I still drink from time to time it’s generally under control.

I’m not knowledgeable about groups to help with alcohol in your area but I’m sure AA would have something you could try. Please do get help and don’t be ashamed of it.

DrSbaitso · 13/04/2022 06:22

I'm so sorry, OP. Remember you have inherent human worth and you are as valuable now as you were before he left.