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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner has left me, I'm devastated

269 replies

LakeIsle48 · 15/03/2022 22:29

Hi I hope all is well. My partner of 9 years has left me completely out of the blue. We were so close and had such a good time but suddenly it's all over. I am completely devastated. I honestly don't know how I will ever recover.

I have been having some menopausal problems with memory loss and concentration. He did show some signs that he was losing his patience at times. I tried to keep him informed about how I was feeling. We still have a good physical relationship. He just ended it today and I'm really upset

He was so cold when he told me it was over and shamefully I begged him not to end it.

I'm 56 and I'm worried about my future alone. I can't believe that he ended it so brutally.

I've read about other mums who have been in my position and my heart goes out to them. I feel utterly dumped and my heart is smashed to pieces. Thanks for reading x

OP posts:

Ddot · 16/03/2022 06:48

Just read your posts and yes by the sounds he instigated the tiff for an excuse. I think you will find their is another woman. I've never known a man leave his home and wife for any other reason. unless of cause your both scrapping constantly which you said your not. But if the only reason is because your struggling with your health then good bloody riddance to good time boys.

Gilly12345 · 16/03/2022 07:01

Hope you are ok today, hopefully you don’t have children together and that you have separate financial matters.

I am sorry that he has treated you badly but you will be ok and move on with your life.

💐💐💐💐💐

ChiselandBits · 16/03/2022 07:14

He didn't leave his home and his wife. He ended the relationship and drove the OP home. They are not married and have no kids. Its really sad and not nice and I do have sympathy for the OP but the man hasn't really done anything wrong as such, other than not voice any fears or doubts earlier but it does seem as though many men just work it out alone and then do what this man has done and shut off that avenue of emotion / feeling. I completely understand the feeling that the OP feels like she has been cheated of a chance to save the relationship - I felt similar when ex walked with out OW but we DID have kids and were married and there was more at stake.
OP I'm sorry you're heartbroken, don;t get me wrong, I would be too. By all means hate him. I'd wait to see if his family approach you but it will be awkward. Go out with your own friends and family. Do nice things for you and remember your worth is not defined by being in a relationship.

HTH1 · 16/03/2022 07:17

I hope you feel a little better this morning. It sounds like there is good reason why your children never liked him and, one day in the not too distant future, you will be glad that you are not living a lie with this cruel idiot. Onwards and upwards!

WutheringHeights66 · 16/03/2022 07:20

I also think another woman. They have been simultaneously building a relationship with someone else whilst checking out of one with you so when the time came there was no emotion left from them, just a cold end, whereas you simply didn’t have a clue.

💐 🧁 🍷 x

2DogsOnMySofa · 16/03/2022 07:27

I'm afraid here's another vote for OW. As you said he's engineered a minor row to give him his excuse to leave.

My bet is also he has something planned with this woman and wanted you out the way that evening. I'll give him a month until he tries to work his way back when he's had his fun with ow

Beamur · 16/03/2022 07:33

That's callous. Makes you see someone very differently when they treat you like this.
A friend of mine, similar age to you, had been in a long term relationship, quite long distance, they had plans for retirement and travel. Once no longer working were going to finally live together, etc. He came to stay for the weekend, they had a nice time, no sign of any problems, as he left, he turned to her and said he had met someone else and he wouldn't be seeing or be in contact with my friend again. He left and that was it, she never heard from him again! She was utterly blindsided.
You will get past this, but look after yourself for now.

Riverlee · 16/03/2022 07:36

Sending hugs. Hope you’re okay.

Northernparent68 · 16/03/2022 07:43

@Xpologog

I’m so sorry. What a bastard. As pps have said make sure you drink, eat when you can. Feel free to cut up his favourite suit/ties/sweaters- it’s therapeutic. On a practical level if you have a joint account empty it before he does. Get as much money as you can into your name as you may need it for solicitors etc… ( you can always share it later on but for now it will give you some control back and may well be needed)

Getting arrested for criminal damage is not going to help.

Movingsoon21 · 16/03/2022 07:44

So sorry OP. Something similar happened to me but when I was younger, with the guy I was hoping I would marry. Hurts like hell at the time but I PROMISE it gets better and you end up being grateful they have left.

My advice: cut all contact, no matter how tempted you are to message him. Being aloof will give you the upper hand and prevent damaging interactions with him.

Also, do something good for your self-esteem - buy a new outfit, get a haircut and a manicure. Finally, give yourself a new focus: set a new goal that you’ve never had the time to work towards before. It will keep you busy and give you something else to think and talk about.

Good luck OP. Don’t worry about feeling crap for a good few months - you’re going through a bereavement and it will take time but you will come through the other side eventually and will be truly happy again, I promise.

Wishing you all the best

notanothertakeaway · 16/03/2022 07:48

I feel for you. It's awful when relationship ends. Suggest you take one day at a time, unfriend him on social media so you're not tempted to check what he's up to, and make plans to keep busy as a distraction. Remember, the best revenge is indifference. Move on and live your best life

But. ...... I'm not sure its helpful for people to pile on, saying he's a bastard and must be cheating. You say there were signs he was losing patience with your poor memory etc. Maybe he previously tried to tell you he was unhappy, maybe it wasn't just about your memory, maybe he did all his thinking in private. It's horrible when a relationship ends, especially if you didn't see it coming, but I don't think it's fair for people to slag him off for ending a non-cohabiting relationship with no children

Ddot · 16/03/2022 08:11

When a relationship ends it always hurts one more than the other its inevitable but its when your blind sighted and the end is cold. Why if your not happy do people think it's ok to just turn and walk, talk, say your not happy, say why, hug and go. Still hurts but you dont question the years you had quite so much

AngelinaFibres · 16/03/2022 08:15

@Xpologog

Don't cut up his stuff. If he needs to dress smartly for work he will have to go and buy it all again and there will be less money to share out. Plus you are not living in an episode of East Enders.Just because he has behaved like a wanker doesn't mean you have to win the race to the bottom in terms of behaviour. Therapy is therapeutic. Retain the moral high ground.

AngelinaFibres · 16/03/2022 08:24

@HoppingPavlova

It’s got nothing to do with memory loss, concentration or menopause. It’s got everything to do with another woman even if that’s vehemently denied at this point.

1000% there is another women. Men do not leave the option of a warm bed ,particularly if they don't have the hassle of actually living with that person, without another warm bed to slide into. My SILs husband left her out of the blue after 40 years of marriage. She took comfort from the 'fact" that there was no one else involved. He had been having an affair with her best friend for a year and they moved into a rented flat when they left their partners . She had absolutely no idea

Hathertonhariden · 16/03/2022 08:28

I imagine he's planning on parading the new woman at the wedding. It's shit OP but you are better without someone like that in your life. Be kind to yourself

billy1966 · 16/03/2022 08:30

How shocking but likely orchestrated.

You are seeing the real him but as the wise@PyongyangKipperbang has noted, like a bad smell, he may well return at some point, so be very wary.

He was always of this character so better in your 50's than 10 years on.

Please get some medical advice re the menopause, there is no need to suffer.

Vitamin B Complex is great as it supports your nervous system and Star flower oil capsules for the hormonal irritation and annoyances were absolutely game changers for me.
I went on them on the advice of a friend who said they saved her.
Sage tea is fantasic for hot flushes too or a sage supplement.

You will get through this OP.
You will thrive.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 16/03/2022 08:45

OP, I’ve been in a similar situation. Best advice is to have a couple of days allowing yourself to grieve. This is a bereavement of the relationship and the future you had planned.

A few days of feeling devastated/sad/bereft are fine but then you need your family and friends to help support you back up. Make some plans, do small but nice, things just for you. It won’t take away the heartbreak but you will be distracting yourself from what has happened and hopefully putting him our of your mind for a while.

Focus on what you need now and be selfish.
You will get through this but it does take time.

Itsmewithanewname · 16/03/2022 08:47

OP I feel your pain. I was brutally "dumped" about a month ago, a week before we were meant to go on a holiday, and it turned my life upside down. I'd known that things weren't perfect but he was a nice person and the finality of it was so out of character.

I'm consoling myself by remembering and emphasising all the things about him that weren't perfect, things I was prepared to overlook, such as that he was bad with money and we had different attitudes around parenting, which would have affected us moving forward.

I am not totally cutting contact although I did initially for a week or so. He wanted to remain friends (to help his conscience) so I've sent him some light messages about my safe arrival back from the holiday and have apologised for not acknowledging that he'd had legitimate reasons to not want to go, and I've taken responsibility for having leaned on him too much over the past few months. My intention is not to win him back but to leave him with the impression that the split was inevitable and that I'm benefitting from it, and am now a better person who sadly for him is no longer on his life except as a friend.

You need to do what's right for you but take some time to totally cut contact. It's sad about the wedding but if you were close to his family they'll be missing you and dignified silence on your part will say more. If he turns up with another woman you can bet everyone will be rolling their eyes.

Johnnypiratesfriend · 16/03/2022 08:50

I'm so sorry your going through this. I went through it many years ago. It was awful. Just want to say with all honesty it does get better and I look at my life now and its much much better.

AngelinaFibres · 16/03/2022 08:53

It happened to me, but we had children aged 2 and 3 .I had no job at that point and he left me for a 17 year old. He and I were 32. It was an absolute shit storm. You are in a far better situation than I was but the hurt will be the same no matter what. It will get so much better. There is so much on this site and ,I dare say all over the Internet, that will help you. Allow yourself to grieve. I am 56 now. My life is fabulous. I am on HRT . It is absolutely life changing. Google a documentary by Davina McColl which will explain all about it. I think you should prepare yourself for him crawling back. I took my husband back and then he left me again. I should have shut the door once and left it shut. You have no need to see this man ever again. It may not feel like it now , but that is an enormous advantage in getting over this and moving on.

Original poster

LakeIsle48 · 16/03/2022 08:55

Good morning. I hope its sunny where you are. I've woken up still in disbelief. I'm stunned. In 2 days I've lost the person I loved for 9 years
We had plans but that's over. I can hardly get out of bed. I'll have to though. Have a good day where you are.

OP posts:

AngelinaFibres · 16/03/2022 08:59

Oh and stay away from alcohol. It is not a useful friend in this situation.

Original poster

LakeIsle48 · 16/03/2022 09:01

Everything just changed so quickly with no notice. I'm amazed that someone I completely trusted could do this with no warning. We were literally in the middle of getting the van on the road so we could travel around.

I've read on here before how people get big shocks with no warning. I didn't think it would happen to me.

I need to get dressed and face this day. Have a good day where you are!

OP posts:

FTstepmum · 16/03/2022 09:01

I'm upset on your behalf.

What a cowardly, spineless specimen he is. In hindsight, you will eventually see this as a fortunate escape.

Now, your wound is fresh and raw and it will hurt like hell, but only for a short while.

Like all wounds, yours WILL heal and you will be stronger and more resilient for it.

The most important thing now is space to grieve and caring support. Do you have any? X

Lambanddog · 16/03/2022 09:02

Nine years? What a horrible man.

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