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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner has left me, I'm devastated

269 replies

LakeIsle48 · 15/03/2022 22:29

Hi I hope all is well. My partner of 9 years has left me completely out of the blue. We were so close and had such a good time but suddenly it's all over. I am completely devastated. I honestly don't know how I will ever recover.

I have been having some menopausal problems with memory loss and concentration. He did show some signs that he was losing his patience at times. I tried to keep him informed about how I was feeling. We still have a good physical relationship. He just ended it today and I'm really upset

He was so cold when he told me it was over and shamefully I begged him not to end it.

I'm 56 and I'm worried about my future alone. I can't believe that he ended it so brutally.

I've read about other mums who have been in my position and my heart goes out to them. I feel utterly dumped and my heart is smashed to pieces. Thanks for reading x

OP posts:
AFMe · 16/03/2022 00:42

Unless you've hugely understated them the menopausal issues you've mentioned are simply not enough to cause any decent person to leave a relationship of that length. Shame on him.

Bromse · 16/03/2022 00:44

Good luck, LakeIsle. You will get through this. Take care of yourself.
Flowers

Andouillette · 16/03/2022 00:52

@LakeIsle48

Andou, I broke my heart laughing at you calling him a vile turd of a man. It was the only laugh I had today. Menopause is no fun. I don't have financial ties to him. My kids are 22 and 24 and work away. Funnily enough they weren't mad about him. He didn't live with me & my kids, they work away
V glad I made you laugh. Sounds like your DC hav their heads screwed on and I am sure they will be a great support to you. I was very lucky with the menopause, didn't quite realise it was happening. Middle age spread got me big time though, not helped by giving up smoking! Sending you tonnes of vitual support.
AFMe · 16/03/2022 01:09

Just seconding all the wise comments you've already had in that a) you really sound like a lovely human being b) It's a nonsensical reason to leave a relationship of that length so c) something else may be going on or he's just not really capable of an adult loving relationship. My direct experience of an abrupt end to a relationship did indeed involve another woman, but whichever part of c is true, he is clearly not someone to build a future with. I think Hollywolly and Cheeky have made more articulate and thoughtful points here, but the bottom line is his exact reasons don't matter, your future does.

Original poster
LakeIsle48 · 16/03/2022 01:13

Trash, I'm sorry that has been so painful for you. All those years. I was, like you, shocked when I realised I was thrown away. I thought I was in a loving relationship, we had plans to travel. All seemed well. We had an extremely minor disagreement, I didnt even think it was a row. It was so minor. Next thing in a matter of a half an hour it all went sour. I genuinely didn't notice. He drove me to my house and told me it was over. I couldn't believe it. I went back to my house and he never rang me again

OP posts:
Original poster
LakeIsle48 · 16/03/2022 01:28

AF they were minor. I wouldnt even call it a row. I think he planned it. I've sent him some choice words. It's just the shock of walking around thinking I'm in a longterm relationship and within a very short time he left. I had to text him to see where he was. He came back to the house and said he was going

OP posts:
lborgia · 16/03/2022 01:38

As others had said, this is entirely about having a new girlfriend/situation.

This ability to cut off emotionally, completely, is always because they have that part of their needs met somewhere else.

The irritability, it’s not because of the menopause, although it will be an obvious thing for him to use, it’s because his current life seems so mundane compared to the bright new shiny person who has made him see what life SHOULD be like (deep, deep sarcasm there if that needs saying).

I’m glad to see that even though you have had an enormous shock, you have found your anger, and see him as in-barge-pole-worthy already! Excellent. Expect to feel sad and unloved again, probably more than once, but keep finding your inner anger.

I’m so sorry, this is just horrible. And so common.

starrynight21 · 16/03/2022 01:56

I also think he has something / someone in the background . The way he did it , it's common for men to do it that way. No hint, then a cold announcement.

I had to make a fresh start at 53 in similar circumstances - it CAN be done and you'll wonder why you were worried. Good luck .

newfriend05 · 16/03/2022 02:06

Man don't leave unless there is someone else waiting in the wings .. and to turn so cold ..odds on another women .. sorry OP .. be kind to yourself

Original poster
LakeIsle48 · 16/03/2022 02:20

I'm completely devastated

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 16/03/2022 02:25

OP I’m sorry for what you are going through, but if this man really has discarded you just because you are suffering with menopause symptoms then I hope you put that memory loss to good use and manage to forget the arsehole asap! You deserve better, and believe me being single is much much better than being with a man like your ex. I know you are in shock right now, but I hope you get to realise that fact very very soon. Flowers

CJsGoldfish · 16/03/2022 02:35

Man don't leave unless there is someone else waiting in the wings .. and to turn so cold ..odds on another women ..
Even the suggestion is often enough. There is always a plan
If and when it doesn't work out, they come back. For a 'begging' party, that is often enough. Don't be THAT person OP. You deserve more.

Original poster
LakeIsle48 · 16/03/2022 02:37

All of his family are going to his daughter's wedding. I was invited and now I presume I'm not going. I am really close with his family and grandkids. I look after the grandkids a lot and I'm very close to them. Everyone will know I wasnt invited

OP posts:
Malibuismysecrethome · 16/03/2022 02:44

I am so sorry your pain and shock must be enormous. People will be there for you, you are loving and giving, but it will not be the ones you imagine, but people will come through for you.

lborgia · 16/03/2022 02:45

@LakeIsle48 - just a heads up, don’t expect to hear from his family after this. Most people are cowards, and would rather do nothing than acknowledge their relative’s appalling behaviour.

That’s so hard, too. You had a family connection. Don’t forget you are reasonable to feel devastated at 3am. It would be weird if you weren’t.

Please take your time, and just do one step at a time. Get up in the morning, have some breakfast, tea, whatever.

And just keep going. Allow that you will be felled in your tracks, but just dry your tears after a bit, and get on with something else mundane/important.

Do you have real life people to lean on?

PiperPosey · 16/03/2022 02:59

@LakeIsle48

I'm completely devastated
Give yourself a pity party ... You can't stay too long though... Just get it all out...throw yourself on the bed and weep, scream...pray...whatever you need to get through this.

I am sorry... You will get through this alone or with another partner. Your life can change on a dime..as you know. He is NOT worthy of you..
Love, light and serenity to you...I've been there. It hurts like a bitch. But I got through it and now I'm married to the man I should and need to be with.

Partner has left me, I'm devastated
everyonebutme · 16/03/2022 03:24

So sorry to hear this. I've been through it too (ex husband was having an affair). You will go through all of the stages of grief and eventually find acceptances and move on. The first stage is shock. You are very lucky that you are not tied financially and have your own home (is that correct?) so you don't have that to deal with as well. Wishing you well - it will take time but things will get better and there's fabulous support on here.

HoppingPavlova · 16/03/2022 03:44

It’s got nothing to do with memory loss, concentration or menopause. It’s got everything to do with another woman even if that’s vehemently denied at this point.

Marvellousmadness · 16/03/2022 03:55

"My partner of 9 years has left me completely out of the blue."

But not out of the blue for HIM. Men tend to silently sort out their feelings, so by the time that they made their decision it might be unknown to you. But for them it has been a process for months.

Dont be scared of being alone. Its better being alone than in a marriage where your partner has checked out...

oakleaffy · 16/03/2022 04:00

@LakeIsle48

Andou, I broke my heart laughing at you calling him a vile turd of a man. It was the only laugh I had today. Menopause is no fun. I don't have financial ties to him. My kids are 22 and 24 and work away. Funnily enough they weren't mad about him. He didn't live with me & my kids, they work away
So sorry, but what a Grade A wanker he is. Your adult kids- Seems like they were wise all along.

You will definitely get over this creep-
But it takes time.

Momijin · 16/03/2022 05:59

I'm so sorry op. One thing is ending a relationship, but any decent person would sit down and talk it through. And if the relationship had been struggling, you discuss it and try and fix it.

Faevern · 16/03/2022 06:11

Flowers you will no doubt feel worse this morning.

Don't look to find fault with yourself or your menopause but Do seek help if you are struggling with concentration, memory loss and other symptoms. (for yourself not him)

It will be a rollercoaster, be prepared for more revelations and gaslighting. Don't allow him to mess with you by blaming you. Don't allow him to make it about him, he engineered this argument to use it to break up.

Do stamp your feet, cry and shout it's not fair. Do allow yourself to dance to loud music and get rid of that anger. (not sad or 'our' songs, no matter how much you are tempted) Do allow yourself to grieve and seek support from friends and family.

No matter how much of a twat he is it still hurts.
You don't have to be strong all of the time.

Chickychickydodah · 16/03/2022 06:14

I’m so sorry you had to go through this but chin up, you will be fine . 💐

everyonebutme · 16/03/2022 06:16

What @Faevern says is so true.

WonderfulYou · 16/03/2022 06:26

This is awful but I’d rather be single than in a loveless relationship.

Sounds like he checked out a long time ago and at least he finally had the balls to tell you so you can move on with your life.

It’s of course going to hurt for a while but once you’ve got through the pain you’ll see how thankful you are that you can go and find someone who truly appreciates you.

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