AIBU to ask how anyone else copes being overcrowded?

[Lemontree1]

I am in an overcrowded very small 2 bed privately rented flat with 3 children.
The bedrooms are tiny.
To envisage how small the bedrooms are, a double bed can fit but nothing else maybe a bedside table, but no chest of drawers, or any other furniture.
According to the council, My 3 children are expected to share one of these bedrooms and myself in another room.
I can’t make them all share, as there physically isnt enough room to fit 3 beds in one room with all their toys, or any other furniture. (We don’t have vast amounts of stuff but 3 children combined do have a significant amount, and I am constantly decluttering)
So, I sleep downstairs on the sofa.
we are all on top of each other there is no where for me to escape and my mental health has been deteriorating for years now.
I have been told that I am not a priority and that there are bigger families in a one bed flat.
I don’t want anything fancy, just a room and a bed to myself and somewhere I can have time to myself.
I can’t get anywhere else privately as I can’t afford it, I work,but rent prices are high and I just can’t afford more than I already pay. I can’t work full time at least until my youngest boys are in school.
I am so claustrophobic and although I try my best this affects my parenting.
Also, for reference I have twins and a singleton. My children’s ages are 3,3 and 12. All boys, so apparently can all share until they are 16.

Is there anyone else in a similar situation? How do you manage to cope? I just feel like I can’t cope much longer, but have no idea how to get out of this situation.

I would put bunks in what is the lounge plus toys— get some cheap pine chests and wicker baskets, give your 12 year old the smaller bedroom and yourself the bigger room just with a good quality sofa bed , TV and minimal furniture, if you have a hall/landing- could that be used for a couple of clothes rails?

@mam0918

I don't understand the private argument.

I couldn't get a council house (was homeless and on the list 3 years) so got the privately rented house. The rent is exactly the same, and the housing benefit covers the cost exactly the same as they would in a council house.

No one explained that to me so I was homeless for years, that was 15 years ago and it seems there's still confusion on this now.

There is no benefit to council house over private renting except that council allows you to buy down the line.

It's no where near the same. In my area rent for a 3 bed is at least 1500 a month a council property is around 400-450 a month. There's also no security. The landlord could just sell up. I ended up in temporary accommodation twice because of this. Its also very hard to get a rented property if you reply on benefits to help with the rent. Several years ago it was pretty easy, but not anymore sadly

If you were planning on having your eldest share with a second child anyway, could you still do that and have the other twin share with you?

@mam0918

I don't understand the private argument.

I couldn't get a council house (was homeless and on the list 3 years) so got the privately rented house. The rent is exactly the same, and the housing benefit covers the cost exactly the same as they would in a council house.

No one explained that to me so I was homeless for years, that was 15 years ago and it seems there's still confusion on this now.

There is no benefit to council house over private renting except that council allows you to buy down the line.

My HA home for a 3 bed is £600 per month, private is 1100-1200.

I have a life long secure tenancy.

I can do what I like to my home minus structural stuff but even then provided I seek permission I can do that too.

HAs can't get away with a poor state of repair.

It's vastly different.

as soon as I explain I am a single mother with 3 children I know landlords have no intention of conversing with me further.

But the reactions would be pretty similar even if you had one (second) child as you planned, and not twins?

Bunk beds sound a really good idea. For now your older boy will have to go on top, later on when the twins are older (I think my DD were 7 when we switched to bunk beds) perhaps a cabin bed so he can have a desk underneath.

Hard as it is, I think you have to try and make the best of the situation, there's a shortage of 3beds so unless you can find an exchange, you'll likely have to put up with it for a long time.
Ruthless decluttering of clothes toys and stuff will also make it a calmer place to live which will help your mental health.

I think that you need to try to do all you can to maximise the potential of the space you do have because it is unlikely you are going to be able to move any time soon, in the current political and economic climate.

Could you gradually invest in solutions for the flat such as fully embracing the living room as your bedroom and encouraging the kids to respect it as such? You could get some secondhand accessories, maybe even redecorate a bit. Also, like other posters have suggested, make the most of wall and floor space?

I'm aware though, that spare cash is hard to find and so is spare time and mental space, especially when you are knackered and down. Hold tight, cos things will get easier eventually, as your twins get a bit older and less raucous.

I was really sad to see all the judgy responses. The OP clearly wanted to get stuff off her chest as she feels chlaustrophobic and trapped. Last thing she needed was a sanctimonious kicking about her decision to have kids. It's hard enough being a mum without that.

I have seen some great suggestions on here and a lovely offer of support from someone who says they can help plan the space.

OP, I just wanted to say how impressed I am with how you're trying to work out how to make a difficult situation better, and how you are considering the constructive advice given, and handling the unnecessary criticism In such a measured way. I think you must be a great role model for your kids and I hope some of the suggestions help you.

To help declutter, try and see it thenother way around. Not "what shall I get rid of?" But "what do I need?"

Go through all of your stuff and pull out the things you absolutely need to keep.

I agree with twins in 1 bedroom, 12 year old in a room (with his cabin bed etc he sounds well set up) and you in the lounge with a day bed.

Just be aware with the Ikea Hemnes daybed that the width is 80cm x 200cm instead of the more common 90cm x 200cm, which can make it hard to get proper mattresses for it
That said, DD16 has one and she absolutely loves it

Even if OP had one child instead of twins there'd still be a problem, particularly if they were a girl, with such a big age gap. Is the main bedroom big enough to separate into two?

And they are forgetting that if she was in a council house they would expect them to share anyway as children of the same sex can share a room till the oldest reaches 16

But the council would not consider one adult and 3 children in a two bedroomed flat as ok.

But the council would not consider one adult and 3 children in a two bedroomed flat as ok.

Solely depends on the council and plenty of children live in property sizes like this, be that council, housing association, private rented or home owners.

@BoredZelda

And they are forgetting that if she was in a council house they would expect them to share anyway as children of the same sex can share a room till the oldest reaches 16

But the council would not consider one adult and 3 children in a two bedroomed flat as ok.

Yes they do! In my area there needs to be 5 in a 2 bed before it’s considered over crowded 🤦🏻

[quote pixie5121]@sweetbellyhigh don't you dare tell me to shut up for speaking the truth.

OP has said she chose to have a second child, knowing it would be already overcrowded, and ended up with two more. Why are people crowing about how the council should house them? Plenty of women have to make the hugely difficult decision not to have children at all because they just don't have the money or the space and they know it wouldn't be fair on them. That's not judgement, it's a fact. Sorry if you don't like it. I don't disagree that in an ideal world there would be better support available for anyone who needs it, but the fact is there are lots of people in situations not of their own making, like serious illness and disability, who are rightly prioritised.[/quote]
You're not helping yourself with your long and self important rant.

Do shut up.

You can tell some people have never lived in a council house before like I said where I am there needs to be 5 in a two bedroom for it to be “over crowded” my council would class op as adequately housed, so will many others.

Triple sleeper? Double on the bottom for the twins, top and tail them with separate duvets, and single on top for the older one. Obviously not ideal but might help in the interim until you can move.

Does your council do a scheme where they help with private deposits ? Ours work with landlords who will accept UC.

What I would do: 12 year old in smallest room. High sleeper if you can. Desk. All their stuff is stored in there. If possible your wardrobe in there near the door.

Little kids: toddler or shorty beds. Drawers under. Very narrow wardrobe between beds for hanging clothes.

Living room. Folding dining table. (Drop leaf) I suggest putting the sofa cushions on the floor for your bed as it is more comfortable or swap to a day bed. With storage under.

I sleep in the lounge too. As did our neighbours when their kids were still at home.

Suggest toddler or shorty beds for the littlies. If you find some that double as bunks and separate beds you can shift things about a bit as they grow.

Try putting sofa cushions on the floor, it's more comfortable for sleeping. (Not so much when one of them walks on you first thing in the morning though)

I use dining chairs as a barrier between me and Ds when he is on the computer.

*OttilieKnackered

Wow the lack of empathy here. We have no idea of OP’s circumstances.

In practical terms, you need more money so it’s probably heads down til you can work more
(6-18 months) and in the meantime declutter and get great systems in place.

to be fair we have asked for further info but op only gave a rough outline and hasn't been back yet to answer*

Who cares what she comes back to answer? What business of yours is it? Has she come on to ask for moral debate over her circumstances, or practical tips from other mums about house setups?

when we had 4 in a 2 bed flat we bought a double bunk bed. Sp it was a double bed at the bottom and a single at the top. you can buy curtain railings and hang them from the ceiling for more hanging space. so basically an open wardrobe.
I agree with pp, wall space and ceiling space must be utilised. We had out bikes on hooks on the bedroom wall.

If you could find spaces, under the sofa, I put the clothes that I wanted to keep a few years for my youngest in cushion covers and used them as cushions. I managed to get 2 black bags of clothes into the couch cushions.
Wall shelves.

But i know all of these things will cost money. Look on Facebook, shpock, vinted.

We were in the exact same boat, except we were in a couple so dh worked and after a decade almost of saving, we managed to get out. We almost didn't.

Save money batch cooking, porridge, walking, second hand Xmas, grow cucumbers or tomatoes on windowsills (that really helped me not want to commit suicide as I felt so trapped in a flat but having plants around made me feel better. I was shocked at how much of a difference it made)
Sell what you can, even if you put the games or something on for a quid, that's a quid!

I am so sorry you feel like this, definitely try to get your space back if you can. if you can't could you paint the bathroom and hang some nice pictures, candles, plants and make that your space? Thats what I did and it helped.

Our living situation was the same but I had a dp to share the load and he worked while I was at home so I had time to batch cook, shop for deals, tinker with things.

Also duct tape will fix almost anything! if only temporarily.
Good luck. you are very selfless giving up your space. Don't forget that.
Have a look online for using walls and ceilings for storage spaces. and pm me if you want to chat or it feels too much. my living situation almost sent me to suicide via balcony jump and i spent 2 months in the hospital, so I know really well how the lack of a decent sized home can affect a person and family.
I will have a look for some cheap easy stroganoff solutions for you,
how big is the kitchen? or do you have any ahallway space?

Op if you can afford it, the ikea kura reversible bed is great if you have the mattress on top then stick another mattress on the floor under as the 'bottom' bunk. Should last a good few years x

@sweetbellyhigh So when she got pregnant she knew the second child would have to share with the first. The fact that she had twins doesn't change that.

Also plenty of people have more children than they have room for like my neighbours. That's their choice and so the children have no choice but to share.

If OP's second child had been a girl there that would have been even more difficult. The council would have considered them overcrowded but councils can't just keep conjuring up properties for people

@Mumofsend i live in a ha house i have a life term tenancy but they don't do them here anymore , we cannot do hardly anything to our house , my house is £500 pcm a private rented would be about £850for same ( private rent gone up a lot in last 6 months here)
So its different all over
Many councils sold to HA now so there is no council housing as such and many Changes have been made
I cannot change my bathroom tiles even, all i am allowed to do is paint and out carpet in bedroom and frontroom

@mydogisthebest if only successive goverments had continued to build properties then we wouldn't have such an issue
Instead we give benefits of £1000 a month rent to a private landlord to line his pockets