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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how anyone else copes being overcrowded?

295 replies

Lemontree1 · 14/03/2022 20:12

I am in an overcrowded very small 2 bed privately rented flat with 3 children.
The bedrooms are tiny.
To envisage how small the bedrooms are, a double bed can fit but nothing else maybe a bedside table, but no chest of drawers, or any other furniture.
According to the council, My 3 children are expected to share one of these bedrooms and myself in another room.
I can’t make them all share, as there physically isnt enough room to fit 3 beds in one room with all their toys, or any other furniture. (We don’t have vast amounts of stuff but 3 children combined do have a significant amount, and I am constantly decluttering)
So, I sleep downstairs on the sofa.
we are all on top of each other there is no where for me to escape and my mental health has been deteriorating for years now.
I have been told that I am not a priority and that there are bigger families in a one bed flat.
I don’t want anything fancy, just a room and a bed to myself and somewhere I can have time to myself.
I can’t get anywhere else privately as I can’t afford it, I work,but rent prices are high and I just can’t afford more than I already pay. I can’t work full time at least until my youngest boys are in school.
I am so claustrophobic and although I try my best this affects my parenting.
Also, for reference I have twins and a singleton. My children’s ages are 3,3 and 12. All boys, so apparently can all share until they are 16.

Is there anyone else in a similar situation? How do you manage to cope? I just feel like I can’t cope much longer, but have no idea how to get out of this situation.

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 15/03/2022 08:52

The 12 year old will need a quiet space to do homework and it's hard to see where that could be provided w 3 year old twins in an otherwise small space. It would have to be the second bedroom whether that is their own or belongs to the OP

AHungryCaterpillar · 15/03/2022 08:54

Posters saying a 12 year old should not be sharing with 3 years olds but the 12 year old was always going to share with a 3 year old. Ok the OP didn't know she was going to have twins but the children were always going to have to share.

And they are forgetting that if she was in a council house they would expect them to share anyway as children of the same sex can share a room till the oldest reaches 16, that is the rule and the council will not care how young the other child is. The rules state children can share up to 16. Lots of people live in over crowded conditions the op makes it sound like she is there only one, there was 5 people (mum dad and 3 kids) living above me in a one bed flat for 3 years. They’ve only recently moved.

MayMorris · 15/03/2022 09:01

@AHungryCaterpillar

This wouldn’t be priority in my council either, I lived in a one bed flat with 3 kids, it was hard but council will see it as your choice to keep having kids in a small flat. So they see that as deliberately making yourself over crowded.
How do you know this were her choice? Does it ever occur to you that most people are a short step away from situations like this.?
AHungryCaterpillar · 15/03/2022 09:08

I said that’s how THE COUNCIL view it.

Fluffytheevil1 · 15/03/2022 09:09

Before we moved to this house, we lived in a tiny 3 bed. It was so small you had to go into the bathroom backwards or you couldn’t shut the door!!
The big room fit a double bed and a wardrobe. The two single rooms could fit a single bed and that’s it. I have 2 dc and we found it a struggle.
However, a neighbour moved in with her partner, dog and 6 kids ranging from 3-18 and they’ve made it work somehow. They’ve been there years now and seem perfectly comfortable. So it can be done.

AHungryCaterpillar · 15/03/2022 09:10

I even stated I lived with them same amount of children but in a one bed flat. Simply put the council aren’t quick to rehouse people for over crowding as they see it as something you’ve done yourself to be in that situation.

RantyAunty · 15/03/2022 09:11

Tiny house and van life on youtube. very creative space solutions.
They have great decluttering tips and multi use tips.

I like the daybed with a curtain on a ceiling track you can pull around for privacy space.

Ohdofuckofdear · 15/03/2022 09:18

We were overcrowded for years as well OP.

Could you afford to buy a sofa bed for you for the front room? You can pick some up very cheap on places like eBay or Preloved,also if you have any local charity shops like a furniture British heart foundation,CCA,Sara asthma charity they sell furniture and for a small fee they can deliver the piece/pieces that you buy as well.

With the twins room I'd get rid of the double bed(if you could make some money from it then I'd sell it)and look at getting a single bed that has a trundle bed underneath,that way the twins would each have they're own beds but they'd have more room for they're toys ect.

You've said your in a private rented property have you spoken to anyone like the citizens advice?if you haven't already then I would,if they can't help they will know of charity's that may be able to help.

Original poster
Lemontree1 · 15/03/2022 09:27

@BoredZelda PLEASE read my other responses before telling me the same thing many others have already.
Of course it would never have been an ideal situation.
I had what I thought would be another child in a small flat.
As I’d said before I could have split a bedroom and probably that would have been for myself and toddler as there would have been just enough room.
Still cramped, but it would have worked.
I can’t split a bedroom currently one side wouldn’t have enough room for 2 children.
I know we would have been cramped with 2 kids, I know I would still not be in an ideal situation, but I wouldn’t be on here asking for some advice on how to make things work for us all.
I came on to see if I could talk to pant others In A similar situation and how they cope with it. It’s difficult, very difficult and having to live it everyday takes its toll on me mentally. I just wanted some advice and support not judgement.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 15/03/2022 09:29

But OP, you were always going to have your 12-year-old sharing with one 3-year-old. How is that much different to sharing with twins?

Oh for...

Original poster
Lemontree1 · 15/03/2022 09:33

There are some really amazing suggestions here, I am going to sit down and write them all out.
And think about how we can make the best of our situation.
Thank you all who have been understanding and helpful

OP posts:
Keepitonthedownlow · 15/03/2022 09:42

Hopefully when the twins go to school you must get a bit of quiet time in the house alone which will help you rest a bit?

jynnerso · 15/03/2022 09:47

Try to ignore the judgement you’re receiving on here, it’s awful.
It’s really tough being overcrowded and decent council housing really should be available for families in your situation. At least that’s the kind of society I want to live in.
Do you have the opportunity to take part in something away from the home to reduce the pressure you’re feeling? Swimming or walking maybe? Something simple to give your mind some space.
You’re doing a fantastic thing giving your kids the bedrooms and raising twins is super tough, let alone doing it on your own.
Wishing you luck and fortitude x

Original poster
Lemontree1 · 15/03/2022 09:49

@Keepitonthedownlow

Hopefully when the twins go to school you must get a bit of quiet time in the house alone which will help you rest a bit?
They are at nursery 3 days a week, which I work. I work half day one day so have 2 hours to myself before picking them up. But, I understand this is my situation as a single parent I have to pick up more hours than I would if I had a partner. Which is fine.
OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 15/03/2022 09:52

Do the DC see their dad anytime to give you a break as well?

Original poster
Lemontree1 · 15/03/2022 09:54

@jynnerso

Try to ignore the judgement you’re receiving on here, it’s awful. It’s really tough being overcrowded and decent council housing really should be available for families in your situation. At least that’s the kind of society I want to live in. Do you have the opportunity to take part in something away from the home to reduce the pressure you’re feeling? Swimming or walking maybe? Something simple to give your mind some space. You’re doing a fantastic thing giving your kids the bedrooms and raising twins is super tough, let alone doing it on your own. Wishing you luck and fortitude x
I’d love to, but I don’t have any free time in the week, apart from 2 hours before nursery pick up. Hopefully when they go to school this can happen. But thank you for your kind words
OP posts:
Original poster
Lemontree1 · 15/03/2022 09:54

@toomuchlaundry

Do the DC see their dad anytime to give you a break as well?
No
OP posts:
TristramBrandy · 15/03/2022 09:56

This sounds awful, @Lemontree1.

Have you checked all benefits to make sure that you are entitled to everything?

Do the fathers pay maintenance? If not, is this something that you could follow up?

bluedodecagon · 15/03/2022 09:57

Can you swap to another two bed property? It sounds like this one just doesn’t work for you. For example it’s open plan when obviously you need closed rooms.

Can’t you exchange for larger flat in a slightly worse area or with lots of stairs?

Are you in London? Can you move? Doesn’t sound like you have much keeping you there. Can you move to a cheaper area of the country?

toomuchlaundry · 15/03/2022 10:01

@bluedodecagon it’s a private rental so assume swapping isn’t available

Original poster
Lemontree1 · 15/03/2022 10:01

@Ohdofuckofdear

We were overcrowded for years as well OP.

Could you afford to buy a sofa bed for you for the front room? You can pick some up very cheap on places like eBay or Preloved,also if you have any local charity shops like a furniture British heart foundation,CCA,Sara asthma charity they sell furniture and for a small fee they can deliver the piece/pieces that you buy as well.

With the twins room I'd get rid of the double bed(if you could make some money from it then I'd sell it)and look at getting a single bed that has a trundle bed underneath,that way the twins would each have they're own beds but they'd have more room for they're toys ect.

You've said your in a private rented property have you spoken to anyone like the citizens advice?if you haven't already then I would,if they can't help they will know of charity's that may be able to help.

Yes I think a trundle is a great idea. I’m also going to have a massive declutter. I’m often doing this anyway, but probably need to be more ruthless. I have spoken to citizens advice and managed to get me Some information on charity’s unrelated to my housing situation, but to other personal issues. And it was so helpful. As for the hosing, they couldn’t offer much help or advice.
OP posts:
EllaB22 · 15/03/2022 10:07

I know several have asked but although their dad does not see them does he pay maintance? Would this help? It may be difficult to persue but will help in the end?

I moved areas completely as I could not afford where I was living and felt limited by the space. Is that a longer term option?

Shorter term
-open windows to air out the living room in the morning given this is where you spend all your time ( sounds silly I know but even opening them breifly helps my body to register morning)
-Could you have bunks with a pull out trunde bed underneath that you use and go up and pull out when they are sleeping? This way you could have space in the living room but your body may get a better sleep on an actual matress?

It isn't easp OP - I hope you find workable solutions on this thread!

Lessthanfour · 15/03/2022 10:10

I know you said money is tight so forgive me if this isn't helpful. But some companies make custom beds/bunk beds with built in storage, specifically to fit small rooms. The only one I can think of is called Funky Bunk Beds and I believe they do offer finance plans.

endofthelinefinally · 15/03/2022 10:18

You can't put a 3 year old on a top bunk. It really isn't safe until they are about 5. You could have a trundle bed underneath the bottom bunk though as pp have suggested. You could use the top bunk for storage bags of clothes (careful about the weight) until the twins are old enough for one to use the top bunk.
I agree that a good quality day bed or sofa bed in the living room is really important. Sleeping on an ordinary sofa is no good for you at all.
British Heart Foundation shops are often very good for second hand furniture and they won't take anything that isn't safe.

TreasuredMim · 15/03/2022 10:19

I have searched and searched for a bigger privately rented place for us, but none which I can currently afford, and if I have, by chance found something I may be able to afford as soon as I explain I am a single mother with 3 children I know they have no intention of conversing with me further.

Speaking as a private landlord I am only too happy to rent to single Mums with several children, especially young ones, because they are generally entitled to housing allowances/other benefits which will cover the rent. Mostly my experience is that after living in awful Council properties they appreciate the chance to create a home and look after my property.

I advertise on Gumtree and put postcards in corner shops - don't use an agent. Appreciate that not all ads on Gumtree are genuine so you need to have your wits about you.

Suggest you start a phone conversation with a landlord by saying that you're a working Mum wanting to find a larger home for your family. Say you've lived in your current home for 8 years, always paid your rent on time and have outgrown it. Your 12 year old needs more room to study. Your younger ones need more space. And you can provide references and evidence that you can pay the rent. Keep it all positive. Landlords care about getting their rent and their property being looked after. Your potential to fulfill that is all they will judge you on.

Haven't read all your thread so not sure if you've mentioned DCs Dads but if there's anything remotely negative, don't mention it. I once had a prospective tenant disclose that she was having to move as her ex had smashed his way into her current property by taking an axe to the front door. Be likable and keep it positive.