AIBU to ask how anyone else copes being overcrowded?

[Lemontree1]

I am in an overcrowded very small 2 bed privately rented flat with 3 children.
The bedrooms are tiny.
To envisage how small the bedrooms are, a double bed can fit but nothing else maybe a bedside table, but no chest of drawers, or any other furniture.
According to the council, My 3 children are expected to share one of these bedrooms and myself in another room.
I can’t make them all share, as there physically isnt enough room to fit 3 beds in one room with all their toys, or any other furniture. (We don’t have vast amounts of stuff but 3 children combined do have a significant amount, and I am constantly decluttering)
So, I sleep downstairs on the sofa.
we are all on top of each other there is no where for me to escape and my mental health has been deteriorating for years now.
I have been told that I am not a priority and that there are bigger families in a one bed flat.
I don’t want anything fancy, just a room and a bed to myself and somewhere I can have time to myself.
I can’t get anywhere else privately as I can’t afford it, I work,but rent prices are high and I just can’t afford more than I already pay. I can’t work full time at least until my youngest boys are in school.
I am so claustrophobic and although I try my best this affects my parenting.
Also, for reference I have twins and a singleton. My children’s ages are 3,3 and 12. All boys, so apparently can all share until they are 16.

Is there anyone else in a similar situation? How do you manage to cope? I just feel like I can’t cope much longer, but have no idea how to get out of this situation.

What a great post @SilenceOfThePrams . And good luck OP - you are being really gracious and mature handling all the questions and comments here.

Where is the father/father's? Surely they should be providing you with enough money to privately rent if your situation is so bad.

@Lemontree1 please message me as well if you need more info on diagnosis/additional needs and applying for benefits. I’ve done a fair bit of this and happy to help.

[quote MVision]@Lemontree1 please message me as well if you need more info on diagnosis/additional needs and applying for benefits. I’ve done a fair bit of this and happy to help.[/quote]
Thank you, I will

@tillytoodles1

Where is the father/father's? Surely they should be providing you with enough money to privately rent if your situation is so bad.

He avoids paying any maintenance by doing underhand, cash jobs that aren’t on the books. Therefore I get nothing.

He sounds like a right scumbag. I can't imagine how a man can behave like that,and not care about his kids.

Some of these replies are unbelievable, perhaps consider going back in time OP and not having more children.
You say your 3yr olds are in a double bed I think? You could try 2 small singles in an L shape or toddler beds (FB local pages good for cheap ones) to give more space in their room and then Ikea storage everywhere- shelves, hooks, those hanging material things and keep their toys confined to their room. For 12yr old's room look on Pinterest and the Ikea hack FB group for ideas on how to maximise the space.
For the living room/ your space you could look into keeping all kids' stuff in their rooms except when they're playing in there or making the most of everything so at the end of the day once they're in bed you put it all away and it's an adult space, tv stand with drawers, bridging shelf, kallax units with storage boxes. You say it's open plan downstairs so declutter as much as you can, plants on windowsills or nice bits YOU like make all the difference. We have a family member stay regularly so we bought new sofas that are bigger so we can just pull the back cushions off and put a throw down as bottom sheet and their pillows/ duvet live in a zip up laundry bag and it's like a single bed, I've slept on them and they're great (Ikea Kivik) takes 2 mins to set up/ put away. This is the sort of thing that needs money but you say your kids have savings- honestly I'd use those to make this situation more tenable for the time being because you should prioritise all of your wellbeings for now.

@Lemontree1

I am going to look into all my other options In terms of moving house. I am currently registered with the housing association, but they cannot offer me anything Right now. Council cannot help right now and I understand that. I have had some lovely private messages with suggestions and will look into them.

I will also look into all apps and websites everyone has suggested.

If I can’t move within my area because of rent prices, available housing etc I will seriously consider another area.

I am currently enrolled into further education, and commit an hour every other evening, because I understand a better job prospects will improve our situation.
I have spoken to citizens advice, shelter and social services.
I am providing for my boys future with a savings account and all spare money at the end of the month after bills, food shopping, essentials goes in their accounts.

Short term, I will have a serious think about our sleeping situation and invest in better storage solutions and possibly a day bed for myself.
And a trundle for the twins.
Also I will have a major declutter.

For my mental health I’m determined to squeeze in something, be it really early in the morning at home as it’s the only time I have.

What an amazing job you're doing.

Also my mum slept in the living room for years as my and my sister didn't get on... My mum said she loved having the TV in her room and being near the kitchen

[quote mydogisthebest]**@loislovesstewie it's all very well saying that children over 16 should have their own room but if the parents don't have enough rooms and can't afford to move then they just can't.

Quite a few of my neighbours have children over 16 sharing and the area I live in is not a particularly poor area.[/quote]
I'm telling you what the bedroom standards are when considering applications on the housing register in some local authorities. It is how they decide whether a home is overcrowded or not.

@AHungryCaterpillar

But your making assumptions. She has not said she lives in London. Also making assumptions about his London councils work. They are all different. I live in London and I know other people in London. That are on low wages and get help with their rent so they can stay in London. Say for example say the rent for a 3 bed is 1400 most, possibly all. would get paid for the person who gets the help depending on their earnings. If a person moves out of London a bit and the rent is 1000. That would also get paid by benefits. The person does not get to keep the 400 extra that the London rent used to cost. So she would be no better off.

I’m making assumptions? erm no I’m not, Croydon council state you need to be lacking 2 bedrooms to be considered as Overcrowded, I’m not “making assumptions” I said certain parts of London are very strict on what they consider over crowded as there is such a shortage of housing, the op has chosen to ignore and hasn’t denied that it’s London so I believe it is.

I think that's just the cr@p Labour Council in Croydon needing to reduce it's costs and being obsessed with approving the building of 1 bedroom flats and even micro flats that will remain forever empty near the station.

@bluedodecagon

I mean, it sounds like you just need to move so… do that. Just to be clear, move to an area where the council house availability is better and that will solve all your problems.

I mean, many women accept they can’t afford more children. You wanted more children. You didn’t increase your income or secure better housing before the new pregnancy - which I bet was planned. You weren’t thinking about your current child. Whose stability and education will now be sacrificed because I doubt the schools will be decent anywhere you are going to have to go.

But, yeah, light a candle and feel like the victim, I guess.

Wow helpful post. You just fixed all ops problems with one post. Because that's how easy it is. And you have made her feel great. Well done 👏

@bluedodecagon

You’re making a lot of assumptions.
Just because I haven’t gone into the in and outs of dc’s father, you “bet” my second pregnancy was planned, or that i had no intention of better accommodation/ more stability.

People can change in an instant, sometimes we have no idea what’s round the corner.

Many mums I know that are living in big houses and driving fancy cars are doing so because their partner/husband has been able to provide their lifestyle. They are one change away from being in my position.

But of course none of what I say will change your mind as you already know so much about a stranger posting on mumsnet

I honestly feel your frustration and misery. I lived in a two bedroom flat my children had the bigger room, my room was the box room, you couldn't even fit a wardrobe in. Needed to share the children's one and it was all so claustrophobic. The only advice as others have said is minimal stuff. If you look at getting new beds get higher raised ones so you can neatly slot storage boxes under them which is a life saver!

bluedodecagon while you are kicking OP men are abandoning their children every day in the UK, no financial support at all. Would it be better for OP to have given her twins up when the father disappointed her? Would cost the country far more.

As it is she is coping with it all alone and doing her best. I hope she can listen to the other comments on the thread instead.

3 year old twins is probably my worst nightmare. They're probably super cute and super unreasonable and boisterous and probably driving you mad. It sounds hard but hang in there until they get to school, things will improve.

What a shame I came back too late to the thread to see @bluedodecagon’s reply

All I can say is I hope there’s not any poor single
Mothers near you living in cramped conditions doing their best everyday, whilst you sit there judging them, not having the slightest clue as to why they’re in the situation they’re in.

Some people are reckless and don’t care.
Some people’s lives can change completely in a flash.

@ForeverSingle881

3 year old twins is probably my worst nightmare. They're probably super cute and super unreasonable and boisterous and probably driving you mad. It sounds hard but hang in there until they get to school, things will improve.

Yeah, such a difficult age!

They don’t listen to a single word I say and run rings around me!

@Maybebaby8

I honestly feel your frustration and misery. I lived in a two bedroom flat my children had the bigger room, my room was the box room, you couldn't even fit a wardrobe in. Needed to share the children's one and it was all so claustrophobic. The only advice as others have said is minimal stuff. If you look at getting new beds get higher raised ones so you can neatly slot storage boxes under them which is a life saver!

Yeah, I’ve made a new file and keep looking for storage ideas on Pinterest and saving them in there

Really tempted to get the bed that a previous poster suggested that divides the room.
As it could be a permanent solution at least for a couple of years until we moved.
Wouldn’t even want to think about the cost though!