AIBU to ask how anyone else copes being overcrowded?

[Lemontree1]

I am in an overcrowded very small 2 bed privately rented flat with 3 children.
The bedrooms are tiny.
To envisage how small the bedrooms are, a double bed can fit but nothing else maybe a bedside table, but no chest of drawers, or any other furniture.
According to the council, My 3 children are expected to share one of these bedrooms and myself in another room.
I can’t make them all share, as there physically isnt enough room to fit 3 beds in one room with all their toys, or any other furniture. (We don’t have vast amounts of stuff but 3 children combined do have a significant amount, and I am constantly decluttering)
So, I sleep downstairs on the sofa.
we are all on top of each other there is no where for me to escape and my mental health has been deteriorating for years now.
I have been told that I am not a priority and that there are bigger families in a one bed flat.
I don’t want anything fancy, just a room and a bed to myself and somewhere I can have time to myself.
I can’t get anywhere else privately as I can’t afford it, I work,but rent prices are high and I just can’t afford more than I already pay. I can’t work full time at least until my youngest boys are in school.
I am so claustrophobic and although I try my best this affects my parenting.
Also, for reference I have twins and a singleton. My children’s ages are 3,3 and 12. All boys, so apparently can all share until they are 16.

Is there anyone else in a similar situation? How do you manage to cope? I just feel like I can’t cope much longer, but have no idea how to get out of this situation.

I'm a single parent too @Lemontree1, I get it, it's exhausting. For what it's worth I think you're doing amazing. X

Unfortunately, I have no useful suggestions but just wanted to wish you luck and support, it must be so hard for you. I’m glad some posters have come up with some good advice, just try and ignore the negative ones, hard I know when you’re struggling. Good luck. X

@TreasuredMim
Good post.

If you have any doorways at the end of passages/landings, put a shelf over the door for extra storage.

Ikea have lots of useful ideas for living in small spaces and usually have a couple of layouts built in their stores for ideas. Also I second the suggestion of looking on youtube for tiny house and storage ideas.

If you could afford it and were allowed, wall beds are brilliant.

Where I was previously living, a family of 4 managed to configure their two bed flat this way: parents slept on a (very good quality!) sofa bed in the sitting room; their two kids had a room each. I was in the same block. With my 2 DC, I was going to buy two high rise beds for them (so they can share a room) and have a small chest of drawers and wardrobe under each bed. Of course I understand it’s very different with 3 DC. Esp if things like the high beds are not an option due to ceiling height.

Decluttering solved a lot of our problems. But it’s an ongoing thing (which I need to do again!!!). We then moved to a small 3 bed place. I’m currently trying to figure out ways to configure their rooms better now (they’re box rooms). So I’ll wish you lots of luck. X

I was in a similar situation. De cluttering is the first thing. No big toys. Then ikea kallax shelves everywhere you can. Those boxes pack away loads.

I slept in the lounge on a proper bed and the tv was near my bed so we all climbed onto the bed in the evening. I could fit a table in the kitchen. I had lovely fairy lights everywhere!

It was tough for me but my kids only have really fond memories of being there. Don’t worry about the future - just make it nice now.

[quote pixie5121]@sweetbellyhigh don't you dare tell me to shut up for speaking the truth.

OP has said she chose to have a second child, knowing it would be already overcrowded, and ended up with two more. Why are people crowing about how the council should house them? Plenty of women have to make the hugely difficult decision not to have children at all because they just don't have the money or the space and they know it wouldn't be fair on them. That's not judgement, it's a fact. Sorry if you don't like it. I don't disagree that in an ideal world there would be better support available for anyone who needs it, but the fact is there are lots of people in situations not of their own making, like serious illness and disability, who are rightly prioritised.[/quote]
Perhaps it was more the suggestion that there is not much difference between one three year old and twin three year olds.
Tell me you don’t have twins without telling me you don’t have twins...

You need to reclaim your bedroom! The whole family suffers if you are not well-rested and able to cope. A bunk bed and a single bed in the second bedroom. Your twins will be fine in bunk beds for many years yet. Harder for your 12 year old to share, but as an almost teen, he will be up later and later anyway. Your sacrifice will be sharing the living room with your teen of an evening, unlike parents whose kids hang out in private bedrooms. But at least you can retreat to your own bedroom ...

Op only asked how she can make her home situation work. Not to have people ask her why she had another child/ren the children are Already here. So them posts are pointless and not helpful in anyway.

Op also did not say the council should house her.

Triple bunk with as many kallax units as you can fit in the biggest room for the kids toys and clothes and you take the smaller room with a single bed or small double?

A 2 bed flat with an age gap of 9 years? You had just about enough space for 1 child, granted you didn't plan twins but it sounds like you planned a second child which you clearly didnt have space for? It isn't practical a 12 year old sharing with a toddler, whether there's 1 or 2 of them you knew this was going to happen, so what was discussed before you got pregnant? What was the plan then?

The best you can do is try to create a nice space for you downstairs and give the children the bedrooms. I understand that's hard on you but the 12 year old will need space to do homework and some privacy away from toddlers.

Where are the dad's in all this? Are they paying their way, do the children not stay over with them freeing up a room at weekends?

Is there really wiggle room on 12 yo sharing with his little brothers? If the room is literally just used for sleeping then surely it would be ok? Or is it a case that he wasn't getting any sleep because of their shenanigans?

OP is your flat have an attic? Was just thinking getting a bit of chipboard flooring up there and a yoga mat, plus battery torch will give you somewhere to go for you. Far from ideal but a thought.

OP you’re doing brilliantly. Lots of people are stressed, a bit self absorbed, having problems in their own lives & judging others makes them feel better about themselves, temporarily. Ignore/pity them.

If you’re near an ikea they often have model tiny flats which enable you to really visualise imaginative storage ideas.

I really like the Japanese tradition of roll up futon mattresses that go in cupboards by day. Also agree the Hemnes ikea day bed with firm mattress is v comfy and works as a double too. A friend of mine put a double hammock into a bedroom to free up floor space - she used special fixings so it was safe to sleep in. Less expertly fixed ones - even made of sheets/whatever you have - would hold cuddly toys, clothes.

And as you declutter, remember everything you own is renting space from you which you might prefer to keep as space. So don’t be afraid to simplify eg what meals you cook - and so what equipment you need, what clothes you wear (everyone in darker colours and judicial sponging of dinner medals saves on laundry too) - it can be v hard to know what you may need/want in future so if you do have a friend who might be able store your posh dress for weddings & your champagne glasses for you, do ask. Some people have loft space for a couple of boxes.

3 is a hugely challenging age/stage! You know that it passes and this is likely your hardest point.

Meditation might help - there are free ones on YouTube.

And, this might sound ridiculous, but VR headsets are v cool - probably not worth buying for yourself unless you’re a gamer but if you ever treat your eldest to one, have a go, some of the games have amazing graphics and are set in nature and it feels like you’re really looking at a horizon. I loved using my son’s during lockdown, we were on the ground floor and v overlooked and it felt like a View. One for when the twins are asleep!

We are in WhatsApp groups with local friends and friends of friends where we share/swap games, big toys, DIY tools etc. it is v informal and works well: we check if anyone has an X they can lend us before renting or buying that item. It saves money, storage, is greener, and with games/toys is exciting to have ‘new’ stuff. Libraries of Things/toy libraries are getting more popular and tool rental for DIY often means you get a more powerful/efficient tool than you’d buy, and you needn’t store it. Anything you do buy like that, sell on asap.

I’ve no more ideas but wishing you huge good luck and lots of good times with your boys x

What exactly are people hoping to gain by critiquing past decisions by OP? She can hardly go back in time and change things no matter how much you berate her.

She is trying to make the best of the situation for her children and herself. Hopefully some of the ideas given to her by the non perfect posters on here will help make things a bit easier.

I have a 2 bed house with 3 kids but the rooms aren't tiny, however at one point we had our bedroom in the living room (got that ultra cute IKEA day bed) and had a kids room downstairs and their bedroom upstairs. So my suggestion would be to turn your living room into a combined space for you to sleep in, split the kids by gender and give them a room each.

Bunk beds - kids don't need a double bed. Get creative with storage - underbed storage, back of door storage, etc. If you have a cupboard elsewhere in the house, consider using it as a wardrobe instead of having a separate wardrobe in the bedrooms so there's more space.

Declutter massively. Make the spaces cosy and liveable.

I honestly don't think kids not having their own room is the end of the world out all. Throughout human history and in many other cultures it's definitely not the norm. I was the precious youngest growing up and had my own room - hated it. Was jealous of my siblings sleeping in the same room and snuck in loads.

Make the best of your situation there are lots of things you can do to improve it

You have my sympathy and I admire the way you are responding to comments.
All the things you need to be good at: discipline, self-discipline and organisation aren’t areas where I could give advice but I’m glad some here can. Best wishes

Housing in this country is a disgrace!

Lots of good advice re. storage and room allocation. Hopefully some of the advice will make a positive impact on your living arrangements.

That sounds really hard OP and I'm sorry that some people have waded in with judgement and criticism. It was a perfectly reasonable request for advice.

FWIW I feel overcrowded and overwhelmed with far less justification. I wish you all well.

Friends did this - a couple and 3 children in a tiny 2 bed flat. I think they had bunk beds and had to be really ruthless about decluttering.

It's hard.

Oh and my other suggestion is to try and put in place free/cheap activities to do all together, become "outdoorsy". I am very lucky where I live in that we live in a lovely area with lots of nice walks and big parks. Find resources like that local to you - library etc, and make sure the DC are burning off steam. That way home is even more of a comfort and they are less likely to be bouncing off the walls and more likely to be happy drawing, reading, gaming, playing with toys etc.

Having twins makes a huge difference. On the other hand, at least they are both boys.

I don't understand the private argument.

I couldn't get a council house (was homeless and on the list 3 years) so got the privately rented house. The rent is exactly the same, and the housing benefit covers the cost exactly the same as they would in a council house.

No one explained that to me so I was homeless for years, that was 15 years ago and it seems there's still confusion on this now.

There is no benefit to council house over private renting except that council allows you to buy down the line.