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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find having guests with young children hard work?

387 replies

Willowtreegreen · 14/03/2022 13:22

We had SIL staying with us last weekend with her husband and 2 DC (aged 2 and 5)

The house pretty much got trashed as it always does when people turn up with their DC. They come with so much stuff too (which I understand) so a lot of clutter! SIL’s DC were up at 5.45am each morning, running round downstairs, TV went on in the living room which is directly below our bedroom. The kitchen was like a bombsite constantly due to their constant need to ‘snack’

Last month we had friends to stay with their 9 month old. It’s a baby, it obviously won’t sleep through the night and will cry, I get that but we were pretty much kept awake all night by this baby crying, I felt really sorry for my friends, but we were all like zombies the whole weekend. We then couldn’t really do much as everything had to revolve around baby’s naps. So there was a lot of sitting round the house waiting for the baby to start/ finish napping.

We’ve now 2 other sets of friends, one with an 28 month old, one with a 6 and 4 year old wanting to come and visit/ stay in the next couple of months. DH is cheerfully all for it but I’m really starting to not enjoy visits from friends or family members with young children Blush it’s a lot of work, a lot of sleepless nights, house getting chaotic and very messy and actually never really doing a lot as it ALL has to revolve around the DC’s and their routines or what they want to do.

AIBU to just not find the visits that enjoyable at the moment? We don’t have children ourselves and although we have a fairly large house, it’s certainly no mansion so you do hear a lot of other’s noise!

OP posts:
Winnipeg23 · 15/03/2022 21:51

@Willowtreegreen

I don't think you can have a true understanding of children until you've had them? I haven't, so no I don't.

The thing is, we DO go visit DH's home county and see people, we stay with the IL's though not anyone else. But friends and family ALWAYS want to come and stay with us because we're in a very nice part of the world. I wouldn't even really say we invite people anymore tbh, we just get messages 'are you free X dates because we thought we'd come and visit you for the weekend'

Particularly people with toddler age and above children as we're only 5 mins from the beach and forests, a few children's attractions etc so for them it's pretty much a free holiday in a tourist destination. I guess yes, especially after this weekend, I'm starting to feel resentful. It's not that I don't want to sustain these relationships anymore, far from it. I just wish people would offer to stay nearby in an air bnb or hotel (of which there are plenty) rather than with us. They must realise they bring a lot of noise, disruption and mess but they don't seem to care. I guess my point is, that I would care. So I'm starting to find it a bit rude. We're not a hotel.

Definitely just using you as a free holiday away. If your not comfortable with it, make an excuse but say no. If the parents are inviting themselves and then allowing kids to cause chaos without batting an eyelid, then it's not a good friendship.
Winnipeg23 · 15/03/2022 22:00

@PyongyangKipperbang

Easy to see who are the people who invite themselves to stay with friends in a big house that just happens to be near the seaside, for free.

OP YANBU. They invite themselves to get a free holiday, turn your house upside down and expect you to run your lives around their kids just because they choose to (mother of 6 here btw).

Put your foot down.

☝️that! Listen to her..
Crikeyalmighty · 15/03/2022 22:18

Move to Swindon or Scunthorpe or something (with apologies to Swindon/Scunthorpe mumsnetters) that should cut it down ‘a lot’ — sorry but I suspect elements of free weekend somewhere nice are influencing this stream of visitors with young children.

Squeezita · 15/03/2022 22:25

@Plumbuddle

I now understand too why you are thinking of "sending" DH back to his home country, sounds like he needs a trip into the 21st century to to question the stereotypes he is falling back on.

She said home county not home country.

This assumption that a useless man must be foreign/stereotypical of his country is so boring.

Plumbuddle · 15/03/2022 22:27

I know, I spotted that spelling error after I posted. The assumption that I was racist is deeply boring but there we are, you didn't know I couldn't be bothered to correct my own spelling. The idea that I would think men in Britain (where I'm posting from) are not sexist is absolutely hilarious. Think it over Squeezita.

cherish123 · 15/03/2022 23:27

@tkwal
Agree with everything you say. I wish more parents were like you and we wouldn't have so many entitled children.

Insanelysilver · 15/03/2022 23:32

I think it’s a big ask for people with babies / toddlers to expect people to host them all weekend.
If it’s an emergency, like their house got hit by a thunder bolt at 11pm and the car and credit cards blew up too, then ok maybe one night, but a whole weekend , when they have a perfectly good home of their own to live in, then no way!
If they want a change of scene and can afford it then they can rent a cottage or go to a hotel, if not then stay at home until the kids are older , but don’t inflict the agg onto your friends. It’s really not much fun for the hosts in my opinion. Maybe there are a few people who’d enjoy it but I’m not one of them.
We’d never have inflicted all that onto our family or friends and I think it’s possibly a bit entitled of people to do it.
Throw buns at me if you like lol

MabelsApron · 16/03/2022 00:56

@Booboobibles

It’s so much more difficult for the parents because your house isn’t child-proofed so the kids have to be followed everywhere. I found single friends to be really irritating when I had children because I knew how clueless they were (having been child-free during my twenties).

Also, you called the baby of your friends ‘It’.

If that were true they wouldn’t be inviting themselves to stay with the irritating OP and her death trap of a house.

But don’t let the thread get in the way of you telling us how annoying your friends were for not redesigning their homes based on your kids and therefore expecting you to parent them.

Christ, this website.

SmellyWellyWoo · 16/03/2022 05:20

Two hours isn't that far. Why not just drive to the town and meet there instead and of constantly hosting?

Blursula · 16/03/2022 06:23

You sound like a really unsupportive friend tbh.

That’s what kids do. It’s stressful for the parents staying at someone else’s too, as they’ll be very aware of the mess and noise and likely feel conscious of it - even more so, I imagine, if they’ve picked up on your dislike of it.

Just don’t host them if it bothers you that much.

gamerchick · 16/03/2022 06:38

Well you can tell who the cheeky freeloading fuckers are on this thread can't you Grin

OP howay lass, you have to tongue in hour head. You have a bloke problem. Get him told and have a list of hotels to pass on to the freeloaders you keep having contact you.

Squeezita · 16/03/2022 07:51

@Plumbuddle

I know, I spotted that spelling error after I posted. The assumption that I was racist is deeply boring but there we are, you didn't know I couldn't be bothered to correct my own spelling. The idea that I would think men in Britain (where I'm posting from) are not sexist is absolutely hilarious. Think it over Squeezita.
I didn’t say you were racist (interesting that you thought it though) but you droning on about stereotypical man from his home country needing a trip to the 21st century does reveal your attitude to foreign men.
Squeezita · 16/03/2022 07:52

@Blursula

You sound like a really unsupportive friend tbh.

That’s what kids do. It’s stressful for the parents staying at someone else’s too, as they’ll be very aware of the mess and noise and likely feel conscious of it - even more so, I imagine, if they’ve picked up on your dislike of it.

Just don’t host them if it bothers you that much.

Or maybe just stop inviting yourself where you’re not wanted.
LoisLane66 · 16/03/2022 07:54

YANBU but your friends certainly are. Who on earth invites themselves for a few days complete with family? That's really being rude.
I'd say that I had plans in the pipeline and would let them know when it was convenient. They have no right to ask what those plans are. Gosh! Some people have weird friends.. inviting themselves...whatever next. .

LoisLane66 · 16/03/2022 07:56

Does your husband cook, clean, do the laundry etc. You'd have all the bed-linen and towels when they leave too. Nah. Sod that.

Tortabella · 16/03/2022 08:16

@Blursula

You sound like a really unsupportive friend tbh.

That’s what kids do. It’s stressful for the parents staying at someone else’s too, as they’ll be very aware of the mess and noise and likely feel conscious of it - even more so, I imagine, if they’ve picked up on your dislike of it.

Just don’t host them if it bothers you that much.

"It's stressful for parents staying at someone's house too."

So... don't do it?

And she's not offering to host them, they are helpfully saying they will "come to visit."

I get that it's hard being the parents of small kids, I have been there myself, but I didn't make it everyone else's problem (and I noticed those that did).

LoisLane66 · 16/03/2022 08:35

I've had 5 children none of whom ever trashed anyone elses home or wandered around the house at 6am nor snacked all day nor rummage in anyone's belongings. All of them slept very well in a pram when out and about so I never had to 'stay at home' until they woke up. They've even slept comfortably on coaches or in the car. Not all children are rowdy, messy, constantly hungry or tiring. It depends on their upbringing.

Shellingbynight · 16/03/2022 08:45

I would start saying no more often - that's you're not available - but it would probably only move the visit to a different weekend.

I assume they are usually there for Fri/Sat nights? Reducing it to one night would make it more bearable, so they arrive late Saturday morning and leave early evening on Sunday.

phoenixrosehere · 16/03/2022 09:05

That’s what kids do. It’s stressful for the parents staying at someone else’s too, as they’ll be very aware of the mess and noise and likely feel conscious of it - even more so, I imagine, if they’ve picked up on your dislike of it.

That’s what parents of kids LET them do

There, fixed it for you.

It’s parents responsibility to teach their children how to be good guests and to clean up after them, not let them have free reign of someone’s home.

ElegantlyTouched · 16/03/2022 09:21

YANBU. A friend has offered me and my toddler a place to stay but I'm reluctant for the very reasons you describe. It would be good for my elderly friend to have company, and she has grandchildren so knows what they're like, but I still think it would be too stressful for all involved. Which is a shame as I need to visit her city soon and it would save some money.

thecatsthecats · 16/03/2022 09:27

@phoenixrosehere

I agree. I thought that I hated having kids to visit the house, but it turns out that it was just that my first friend to visit with kids was feral.

The dad will swing them around by the arms inside. She'll sit the nine month old up on the perilously high breakfast bar, dump all her toys on the work surface I was just about to make dinner on, and then wander off leaving other friends to prevent the child lurching off. They'd let the kids scream in the faces of my old cats.

Gradually, as more civilised friends have had children round, I've come to see them as the exception not the norm!

DoubleMumm · 16/03/2022 09:28

@nearlyspringyay

Fuck that, it's bad enough when it's your own kids keeping you up, making a mess etc. Reduce the visits, go and visit them in the daytime. It's not exactly huge distances.
This.
lonelylou09 · 16/03/2022 10:01

I havent read all the comments but it's your home so if you find it hard work then just say no. I have a 2 bed 1 bathroom house and precovid would host family even tho it meant me giving up my bedroom or having my dad and 4 teenagers sleeping in the living room. I loved it as i live 200 miles away from my family and rarely get to see them and live in a popular coastal area and there's no way my family could afford to stay elsewhere.
So I understand the chaos and disruption and not being able to relax.
It all depends on what you are happy with.
I think if its guests you dont perticularly want (ie DH family) then let him deal with it all... Pre and post. Or tell him they can come but he/ they need to pay for a cleaner before and after.
I clean for a lady in a big house with spare rooms and she was inundated last 2 years with various 'guests' coming for free holidays and it was hard work for her. She felt like she couldn't say no also.. But you can... Just say no!

PinaColada123456 · 16/03/2022 10:05

[quote Willowtreegreen]@AryaStarkWolf, we used to live about an hour’s drive from my family and friends and an hour and a half’s drive from his. Then DH got offered a job in my home county (purely coincidental but he was more than happy to take it and move) so now we live about 20-30 mins from my friends and family but 2 hours from his. So yes, unfortunately that means his family and friends friends coming to stay quite often and we’re now mid 30’s so everyone around us pretty much has children.[/quote]
@Willowtreegreen I really don't understand the eccentricities people in the UK have where if they live a meagre 2 hours away (which was a one way daily commute to work for me!) they have to spend an entire weekend or even week at someone's house. Where I am many people drive 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours drive back in the afternoon, when visiting people, there's isn't a need to even stay one night, let alone a weekend, or a week. It's not like it's an 8 or 9 hour drive! I don't understand. For the life of me I simply don't understand why they need to even stay over overnight, when they only live 2 hours away. What on earth is up with the UK with this? Why can't they spend the day with you and drive back home?

AryaStarkWolf · 16/03/2022 10:08

@PinaColada123456 seems like the OP lives in a nice touresty/beach area and the visitors want to make a mini break of it

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