To find having guests with young children hard work?

[Willowtreegreen]

We had SIL staying with us last weekend with her husband and 2 DC (aged 2 and 5)

The house pretty much got trashed as it always does when people turn up with their DC. They come with so much stuff too (which I understand) so a lot of clutter! SIL’s DC were up at 5.45am each morning, running round downstairs, TV went on in the living room which is directly below our bedroom. The kitchen was like a bombsite constantly due to their constant need to ‘snack’

Last month we had friends to stay with their 9 month old. It’s a baby, it obviously won’t sleep through the night and will cry, I get that but we were pretty much kept awake all night by this baby crying, I felt really sorry for my friends, but we were all like zombies the whole weekend. We then couldn’t really do much as everything had to revolve around baby’s naps. So there was a lot of sitting round the house waiting for the baby to start/ finish napping.

We’ve now 2 other sets of friends, one with an 28 month old, one with a 6 and 4 year old wanting to come and visit/ stay in the next couple of months. DH is cheerfully all for it but I’m really starting to not enjoy visits from friends or family members with young children it’s a lot of work, a lot of sleepless nights, house getting chaotic and very messy and actually never really doing a lot as it ALL has to revolve around the DC’s and their routines or what they want to do.

AIBU to just not find the visits that enjoyable at the moment? We don’t have children ourselves and although we have a fairly large house, it’s certainly no mansion so you do hear a lot of other’s noise!

The 6 and 4 year olds will probably be fine. Sleep later and eat at more normal times and no naps. Babies and toddlers I would just do day visits or meet for day out.

Coffepot72
Absolutely. Learning to stay at someone else’s house and not treat it like your own is a social skill. It is not inevitable that your home will be trashed!

I found single friends to be really irritating when I had children because I knew how clueless they were

What did you expect? They weren’t clueless, they just didn’t need childproof houses.

What does your dh think as you mention they are his friends and family?

@Just10moreminutesplease

Hosting guests with children isn’t really enjoyable unless you love the children IMO. Family children and those of close friends are adorable… other people’s, not so much!

The issue is, you and your DH don’t see the same people as close friends/family. I’m not sure it would be fair to stop his family visiting, as long as he does most of the leg work. But you wouldn’t be unreasonable to get ear plugs and occasionally be unavailable for part of their visits (even if your ‘plans’ are just reading a book in a quiet coffee shop).

Extremely wise post.

I'm stunned that people are telling you to suck it up, and that you have to get used to it.
They're not your kids so no, you don't have to suck anything up!
If and when you decide to have children, you'll know what you're letting yourself in for and that will be the decision you make in having them. Quite why you're expected to cope with all the children bring when they're not yours is beyond me!
Theres some precious parents on here expecting their offspring to be as special to everyone else as they are to them. News flash, they're not, they're down right annoying!

OP, do you think they'd visit if you lived inner city rather than near a lovely beach? You said yourself you're not that close to many of them, you need to practice saying "no sorry that doesn't work for us" x

I completely get this. I have dc who are now adults under 21. I have almost zero tolerance for children in my home or whilst socialising, trashing the house, not eating at the table, winging, parents giving into them after saying no copious amounts of time etc. I have one friend who comes round with her dd, aged 6 however she is not at all disrespectful of my home. I've worked too bloody hard (in the childcare sector) to have my lovely home trashed by others. I will add my lack of tolerance for children does not extend to my work, I am one of the most tolerant, patient person there.

We find a cheap hotel near by. I don't like to feel like a burden & we all sleep better. Plus, hotel brekkie 😊

OP, does you DH pull his weight when his family and friends come to stay? If not, I'd be inclined to let him do the lions share next time as that's where a big part of your problem may lie. If he does, you still need to speak with him and reach a compromise re the amount of visits. A few visits a year from various friends and family is acceptable if they live further away than yours and you might just have to suck it up. It's what relationships are about sometimes.

@Booboobibles

It’s so much more difficult for the parents because your house isn’t child-proofed so the kids have to be followed everywhere. I found single friends to be really irritating when I had children because I knew how clueless they were (having been child-free during my twenties).

Also, you called the baby of your friends ‘It’.

Well maybe they don't bring themselves and their annoying kids to her place and instead stay in their own 'child-proofed house?'

I'm suspect your 'irritating' child-free friends found you insufferable too.

Not everyone without kids is clueless, a lot of my friends who don't have kids are great with them. But this is entitled parents showing up for free holidays and trashing her lovely seaside house.

And so what if she called it 'it'.

@Booboobibles

It’s so much more difficult for the parents because your house isn’t child-proofed so the kids have to be followed everywhere. I found single friends to be really irritating when I had children because I knew how clueless they were (having been child-free during my twenties).

Also, you called the baby of your friends ‘It’.

Why on earth would people with no young children have to child proof their home just so an occasional visitor with children feels more comfortable? Talk about entitlement

It’s so rude and entitled for your guests to behave this way! I totally get why you’re peed off and fed up! I would avoid having people who act that way ever stay again! Guests should be a pleasure not a nightmare. YANBU

@DSGR

It’s not that enjoyable no but in the context of a long friendship, this is really a very short amount of time. I just put up with it and try to remember how hard it is for the parents. I put my effort into enjoying the company of my friends, making delicious food, being hospitable. It’s just a weekend

This right here!

It’s a lot of effort on the parents to go anywhere with kids and just having somewhere to be that’s not your own 4 walls is nice, even better if it comes with some people to make an adult convo with

It is hard work for you too - don’t get me wrong - and I’m sure the parents appreciate it a lot, maybe you could have fewer visits?

@Booboobibles, you are the epitome of ‘entitled’ parent. Vile.

Why should I have to childproof my house when I don’t have children?! If they find me ‘irritating’ then that’s great as they won’t keep inviting themselves to stay!

I hope I never meet you and your DC, you’ll absolutely be one of those self-absorbed types who expects everyone to adore your DC as much as you.

Only made it to page 3 but while I do think you’re being unreasonable (people have children and you have to suck it up if you want a relationship with these people - but then I love having our family and friends stay with their small children and happily get up at 5.30am to help breakfast, change and play with them - it’s the perfect time to bond with both my SIL/BIL and my niece and nephews…until around 2pm when I’m probably locked in the loo pretending to take the world’s biggest poo to get away from the chaos for twenty precious minutes 😂), so yeah, while I do think you’re unreasonable that doesn’t mean you should have to take it.

You’ve made it clear that you’re not interested in other people’s children or all the mess and chaos that comes with them. That is your right. Chat with the hubby and let him know you’re happy for them to visit but that you want them to stay locally so you can see them but not have to deal with the crazy.

Just because it would make someone like me sad to miss out, doesn’t mean you have to feel the same way. Maybe limit to once or twice a year for family and staying away locally for friends as a compromise?

I hate taking our four year old to stay anywhere. I feel so anxious that she will be annoying/ too noisy/ too messy/ too fussy.

The pressure is too much. We just want people to come to our house..: so much easier!

Can’t actually believe anyone would find the OP unreasonable. I am one of those precious parents whose toddler DC likes a snack, has a tendency to try and climb furniture and will only nap in his cot (believe me, I’ve tried the fecking buggy). For all of these reason, I would never dream of imposing myself on anyone, especially those who are child-free, unless implicitly invited. Stand your ground OP!

Why should I have to childproof my house when I don’t have children?! If they find me ‘irritating’ then that’s great as they won’t keep inviting themselves to stay!

I was thinking the same thing. I have two sons myself (7ASD & 4) and have never expected anyone to childproof their home for us. The most childproofing we did in our own home was the baby-gate. Anyone who did, I thanked them for it otherwise I kept my eye on my children. People either came to our home or we met them outside somewhere.

And no, DH doesn’t pull his weight really. It’s me that gets the guests bedrooms made up, ensures there’s enough fresh towels, spends 2-3 hours the day before they’re arrival cleaning etc. It’s me that clears up and strips the beds etc when they’re gone.

He does ‘host’ whilst they’re here, I always insist we go out for dinner (to avoid the mess that eating in entails) but he always insists on cooking for everyone so he will cook the dinners and sometimes a cooked breakfast if that’s what guests want (though it’s invariably me then that has to clear up and wash up etc). He’ll offer cups of tea/ coffee/ alcohol etc and try and keep guests entertained, but no, the leg work mostly falls to me. He has done the preparation before and I really wasn’t happy. Mismatched bed linen?! Or no clean bed linen!! No actual proper cleaning, just whipping the vac round. He thinks that’s fine, but it’s not fine for me. He’d also eventually, and I mean eventually after a day when the pans are all congealed and there’s no clean mugs/ glasses left etc tidy up/ wash up but it would be carnage by that point so I just do it.

The trouble is he’s really not a v clean or tidy person and in fact, a lot of our guests (funnily enough from his side) aren’t either. I think there lies a bit of the problem. All my friends and family, whether they have children or not tend to be fairly houseproud and keep a clean and tidy home. Whereas DH’s friends and family, by most of their own admissions, are fairly messy so they just don’t notice mess or it doesn’t bother them. They have totally different standards to me and whilst I drop my standards completely when we have guests over with children, it doesn’t mean I enjoy doing so. I can’t relax in messy, cluttered spaces and even if I was a messy person, I would have the manners to know I couldn’t be like that in someone else’s home. That’s what I find frustrating, is that people don’t seem to care, they seem to treat my home like it’s their home and they don’t pay the mortgage, so it’s not!!

@Whelmed

Yanbu and I bet the parents of the DC aren't finding it that enjoyable either. I have young DC and as much as I like visiting friends and family and love having friends and family visit us with their DC, it's still a massive chore to everyone involved!!

Agree with this. I did it with dd and looking back it was needlessly stressful for all involved. Dd always takes a few days to settle so I'm not now keen to visit anywhere we won't be staying for a reasonable chunk of time (ie holidays/one set of grandparents OCCASIONALLY).

Will be keeping baby ds at home much more this time and making other arrangements with friends/family.

@Willowtreegreen

And no, DH doesn’t pull his weight really. It’s me that gets the guests bedrooms made up, ensures there’s enough fresh towels, spends 2-3 hours the day before they’re arrival cleaning etc. It’s me that clears up and strips the beds etc when they’re gone.

He does ‘host’ whilst they’re here, I always insist we go out for dinner (to avoid the mess that eating in entails) but he always insists on cooking for everyone so he will cook the dinners and sometimes a cooked breakfast if that’s what guests want (though it’s invariably me then that has to clear up and wash up etc). He’ll offer cups of tea/ coffee/ alcohol etc and try and keep guests entertained, but no, the leg work mostly falls to me. He has done the preparation before and I really wasn’t happy. Mismatched bed linen?! Or no clean bed linen!! No actual proper cleaning, just whipping the vac round. He thinks that’s fine, but it’s not fine for me. He’d also eventually, and I mean eventually after a day when the pans are all congealed and there’s no clean mugs/ glasses left etc tidy up/ wash up but it would be carnage by that point so I just do it.

The trouble is he’s really not a v clean or tidy person and in fact, a lot of our guests (funnily enough from his side) aren’t either. I think there lies a bit of the problem. All my friends and family, whether they have children or not tend to be fairly houseproud and keep a clean and tidy home. Whereas DH’s friends and family, by most of their own admissions, are fairly messy so they just don’t notice mess or it doesn’t bother them. They have totally different standards to me and whilst I drop my standards completely when we have guests over with children, it doesn’t mean I enjoy doing so. I can’t relax in messy, cluttered spaces and even if I was a messy person, I would have the manners to know I couldn’t be like that in someone else’s home. That’s what I find frustrating, is that people don’t seem to care, they seem to treat my home like it’s their home and they don’t pay the mortgage, so it’s not!!

Ah, this is as some have suspected where the problem really lies. Whilst you and DH are child free, DH is kind of replicating the horrible sexism of so many parents whereby the dad leaves the mum to do the real legwork. So OP, if you want to have children with him in future, take strong note and get this all ironed out now. My advice to you would be to make sure that he does absolutely every part of the organisation, not the fun bit of hosting where he gets to bask in their gratitude. Swap roles. He can do all the prepping and cleaning, whilst you do the cooking (which is of course time limited, and also just so happens to put you in sole charge of the kitchen whilst they all hobnob with DH in other parts of the house). You could even invite the nicer adult guests to be in there with you and have a nice drink and chat together whilst you cook. I now understand too why you are thinking of "sending" DH back to his home country, sounds like he needs a trip into the 21st century to to question the stereotypes he is falling back on. You have to stand up for this OP, DH is taking you for granted and whilst he does that his relatives are being protected from having to take responsibility themselves.

Unfortunately it sounds as if your friends and family are dicks. Shame for you.

In the same way I as I really like camping for a few days partly because it makes my slightly grotty 80s bathroom/kitchen feel like a luxury spa/restaurant when I get home, I enjoy visiting/hosting people with small children for a few days, to better appreciate the blissful calm and simplicity of my childfree existence. But my friends aren't dicks and don't use my home as a free hotel and don't allow their kids to run feral (even if they act that way in their own homes).

You really didn’t need to state that you don’t have children 😂

Agree that this sounds like a problem with DH, and possibly his friends/family. I'd also put a modest amount of money on it that he's told everyone that they're welcome whenever and that your door is open, which is why you're getting all these people inviting themselves.

OP, my DH sounds a bit like yours. He completely means well but totally underestimates the amount of prep, stress and exhaustion that hosting creates. And I have no idea why so many posters assume you can’t maintain friendships unless you’re offering hotel services?!?