To find having guests with young children hard work?

[Willowtreegreen]

We had SIL staying with us last weekend with her husband and 2 DC (aged 2 and 5)

The house pretty much got trashed as it always does when people turn up with their DC. They come with so much stuff too (which I understand) so a lot of clutter! SIL’s DC were up at 5.45am each morning, running round downstairs, TV went on in the living room which is directly below our bedroom. The kitchen was like a bombsite constantly due to their constant need to ‘snack’

Last month we had friends to stay with their 9 month old. It’s a baby, it obviously won’t sleep through the night and will cry, I get that but we were pretty much kept awake all night by this baby crying, I felt really sorry for my friends, but we were all like zombies the whole weekend. We then couldn’t really do much as everything had to revolve around baby’s naps. So there was a lot of sitting round the house waiting for the baby to start/ finish napping.

We’ve now 2 other sets of friends, one with an 28 month old, one with a 6 and 4 year old wanting to come and visit/ stay in the next couple of months. DH is cheerfully all for it but I’m really starting to not enjoy visits from friends or family members with young children it’s a lot of work, a lot of sleepless nights, house getting chaotic and very messy and actually never really doing a lot as it ALL has to revolve around the DC’s and their routines or what they want to do.

AIBU to just not find the visits that enjoyable at the moment? We don’t have children ourselves and although we have a fairly large house, it’s certainly no mansion so you do hear a lot of other’s noise!

@PinaColada123456, I'm totally with you re that. I too am used to travelling long distances for work so think nothing of a 2 hour drive. One of my best friends moved 2.5 hours away a few years ago. She loves having guests and hosting so is always badgering me to go and stay and I have, however I've also just gone for the day a few times too. I've also gone just for the day back to my DH's home county and let him stay at the Inlaws and I just go for the day and drive back as I hate staying in other people's houses. I stay if we have boozy evening plans for instance, but otherwise, nope, just go there and back in a day.

I appreciate it's probably not easy to do with children though and is probably quite tiring for them.

Why do you need overnight stays for a visit 2 hours away. My aunt and uncles are 2.5 hours away. We drive there, have lunch and tea and then drive back. Don´t see what the fuss is actually.

@SVRT19674

Why do you need overnight stays for a visit 2 hours away. My aunt and uncles are 2.5 hours away. We drive there, have lunch and tea and then drive back. Don´t see what the fuss is actually.

Tell that to our guests!

As I said very much earlier on, I don't see why friendships can't be maintained without offering them hotel services!

Tell that to our guests!

Why don't you tell them?

@pinkyredrose

Tell that to our guests!

Why don't you tell them?

I have actually suggested it before as like I said, I do go to where they all live just for the day. However it got met with with horrified gasps and 'we can't do that with children, it's too far and too long a day' type comments.

However it got met with with horrified gasps and 'we can't do that with children, it's too far and too long a day' type comments.

Well you just say 'oh, that's too bad then, I guess I'll see you when I come up to visit next'. You don't OFFER to host them for the weekend!

Ha ha, imagine how they feel. This is their life.

My suggestion is to meet friends with families for day trips about an hour's drive from each side. Much more manageable for everyone

@thecatsthecats

That’s ridiculous. That would have put me off inviting her back. I will admit that I take stock of the parents who let their kids run amok and keep a distance especially after some of the class birthday parties I’ve been to. I have my own children to manage, not going to add another when their own parents are right there. Such parents are setting them up for heartbreak as they get older and other parents decide they don’t want to deal with such children in their home or at parties.

I really don't understand the eccentricities people in the UK have where if they live a meagre 2 hours away (which was a one way daily commute to work for me!) they have to spend an entire weekend or even week at someone's house. Where I am many people drive 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours drive back in the afternoon, when visiting people, there's isn't a need to even stay one night, let alone a weekend, or a week. It's not like it's an 8 or 9 hour drive! I don't understand. For the life of me I simply don't understand why they need to even stay over overnight, when they only live 2 hours away. What on earth is up with the UK with this? Why can't they spend the day with you and drive back home?

Agree. 4 hours round trip is a day trip and needing to stay overnight is ridiculous unless you’re going other places, not to simply visit someone. My DH’s cousins live that far and they will come for Sunday lunch, spend a few hours with us and then head home. We also have done the same with children and go home. It’s also way less stuff to take with you when you’re only going for the day.

@YukoandHiro

Ha ha, imagine how they feel. This is their life.

That they chose.

So OP, you have a lazy, messy, unhygienic husband who leaves the donkey work to you when his messy family come to visit and leave their mess to you?

Think on before you have children with a lazy, messy, man who's hygiene standards are questionable.

Life becomes very hard very quickly as many posters on MN can attest to.

You have bigger problems that CF visitors to sort out I would suggest.

I don't think YABU and I have three kids myself (although no longer pre-school/toddlers). When they were little I wouldn't inflict them on anyone other than willing Grandparents for an entire weekend unless those people also had small children and were at a similar stage in their lives.
It's chaotic, noisy, messy.. little ones often need their routine naps or they are absolute horrors for bedtime and I wouldn't expect our hosts to have to work around our routine.
It would actually be more stressful for me as I would be constantly fretting about how much they might be annoying our hosts and I would hate to make a mess in someone else's house.

For a two hour drive I would do a day visit or arrange to meet in the middle somewhere child friendly like a park and have lunch afterwards.

@phoenixrosehere

I admit that there was one other friend with children who visited first who made me feel quite anxious because they were risk assessing EVERYTHING about my non-child friendly house, so at first the relaxed attitude was OK when the kids were only crawlers.

But then they got mobile and the problems started!

I now make sure I judge parents in their own homes before inviting them to ours.

It sounds like the core of the problem isn’t your guests but the differences in how you and DH like your living space. You say you can’t relax in cluttered rooms, but he’s not bothered.

Can’t you have a couple of no-go rooms so you have pristine spaces to relax in? I’m guessing your house is large if you have guest rooms etc. Do you have a study you can escape to?

Worth remembering it’s your DH’s house too, so if his standards of tidiness are different, and mess doesn’t bother him, he shouldn’t have to change himself to fit your standards. And if his family/guests are on the more untidy side, why do you feel you can stop him inviting them over this?

It’s unrealistic to expect your house to stay clean, tidy and organised when you have guests with young kids (and all the toys and paraphernalia that comes with them). Ideally the parents would keep on top of the mess and ensure rubbish goes in the bin. Are you providing enough for them? Eg pegs for costs so they’re not dumped on your surfaces, bins where people can see them, a box or basket to store toys/games in? It’s also polite to child proof your house to some extent when you have young visitors or the parents will be so busy following the kids around they’ll have no time to chat to you or relax. By child proof I mean move fragile or dangerous ornaments out of reach, don’t leave stuff with button batteries where kids can reach them, don’t leave keys in room/bathroom doors, don’t have dangling blind cords (those tiny clear plastic hooks are good for hanging things out of reach).

@YukoandHiro

Ha ha, imagine how they feel. This is their life.

And that's my problem because....? They chose to have children. It's not an obligation which everyone is required to fill you know. You can choose to stay child free.

@YukoandHiro

Ha ha, imagine how they feel. This is their life.

This post just makes you sound like one of those people who whinge about how haaaaaaard life with kids is and how everyone has to dance attendance on their needs and those of their kids because it's so haaaaaaard, regardless of the fact that they chose that life with all its difficulties and restrictions. Plenty of parents are capable of just getting on with the job without expecting the world to revolve around them and their children 100% of the time. (Disclaimer: I obviously realise it's different in some scenarios such as where a child has SEN.)

And that's my problem because....? They chose to have children. It's not an obligation which everyone is required to fill you know. You can choose to stay child free.

That’s not the issue though is it? Your DH wants to invite friends and family with young kids, presumably he enjoys these visits and doesn’t mind mess and clutter for a few days.
You admit you have high standards of cleanliness and tidiness that don’t match your DH’s standards, but want him to share your standards? What’s the answer, ban family and friends with kids?
Or set some house rules, learn to relax with a bit of clutter, ensure house is relatively child friendly so the guests aren’t on edge and have time to tidy after their kids?

@FateHasRedesignedMost

It sounds like the core of the problem isn’t your guests but the differences in how you and DH like your living space. You say you can’t relax in cluttered rooms, but he’s not bothered.

Can’t you have a couple of no-go rooms so you have pristine spaces to relax in? I’m guessing your house is large if you have guest rooms etc. Do you have a study you can escape to?

Worth remembering it’s your DH’s house too, so if his standards of tidiness are different, and mess doesn’t bother him, he shouldn’t have to change himself to fit your standards. And if his family/guests are on the more untidy side, why do you feel you can stop him inviting them over this?

It’s unrealistic to expect your house to stay clean, tidy and organised when you have guests with young kids (and all the toys and paraphernalia that comes with them). Ideally the parents would keep on top of the mess and ensure rubbish goes in the bin. Are you providing enough for them? Eg pegs for costs so they’re not dumped on your surfaces, bins where people can see them, a box or basket to store toys/games in? It’s also polite to child proof your house to some extent when you have young visitors or the parents will be so busy following the kids around they’ll have no time to chat to you or relax. By child proof I mean move fragile or dangerous ornaments out of reach, don’t leave stuff with button batteries where kids can reach them, don’t leave keys in room/bathroom doors, don’t have dangling blind cords (those tiny clear plastic hooks are good for hanging things out of reach).

Because my husband doesn't undertake the majority of the work re his messy guests. Until he starts to do that, I absolutely do feel that I can say no to having them. It's not like he doesn't go back home enough to see them, so I'm not sure why visits to us too are so essential.

Also, I do child proof the home as much as I can before they arrive. No guest has ever been anxiously following their child round in case they break something. Ideally yes, the parents would keep on top of the mess, but generally they don't. Essentially they're not clean and tidy people to begin with so they just don't care about the mess they make as they'd make it in their own home too. My issue is, I wouldn't dream of doing that in someone else's home. You do need to be more aware of the amount of mess you make in other people's homes IMO.

I totally appreciate the house won't stay pristine when we have guests and that's fine, but we're talking not a single surface in the kitchen being available to prepare food on, we're talking bags, shoes and coats dumped in the hallway and other areas of the house, despite their being plenty of coat hooks and shoe racks etc. Inevitably I end up going round picking these things up and tidying them away, DH will then hiss through a strained smile in front of said guests 'Darling, you're being a little rude, can't you wait til our guests have gone before you start clearing up.' and I smile sweetly back and say 'Not when there's plenty of coat hooks and shoe racks available, no. I don't want the dogs to damage anyone's property.' Same with the kitchen, absolute bombsite with everyone just sitting about laughing, joking, seemingly totally unbothered by it so after a while I'll start loading the dishwasher or do some washing up and start clearing things away. I then get another pointed look from guests and DH with him saying 'leave all that I'll do it later.' and me again, through a strained smile saying 'It's been like this all day, we need to start preparing dinner so I'll just make a start clearing up.'

Just not enjoyable.

Worth remembering it’s your DH’s house too, so if his standards of tidiness are different, and mess doesn’t bother him, he shouldn’t have to change himself to fit your standards. And if his family/guests are on the more untidy side, why do you feel you can stop him inviting them over this?

So where's the compromise then?

It’s unrealistic to expect your house to stay clean, tidy and organised when you have guests with young kids (and all the toys and paraphernalia that comes with them). Ideally the parents would keep on top of the mess and ensure rubbish goes in the bin. Are you providing enough for them? Eg pegs for costs so they’re not dumped on your surfaces, bins where people can see them, a box or basket to store toys/games in? It’s also polite to child proof your house to some extent when you have young visitors or the parents will be so busy following the kids around they’ll have no time to chat to you or relax. By child proof I mean move fragile or dangerous ornaments out of reach, don’t leave stuff with button batteries where kids can reach them, don’t leave keys in room/bathroom doors, don’t have dangling blind cords (those tiny clear plastic hooks are good for hanging things out of reach).

Seriously?? OP - just bash a few coat pegs into your walls, buy lots of bins and storage boxes and have all your belonging put into storage. Its the only polite solution.

@Coffeepot72

Worth remembering it’s your DH’s house too, so if his standards of tidiness are different, and mess doesn’t bother him, he shouldn’t have to change himself to fit your standards. And if his family/guests are on the more untidy side, why do you feel you can stop him inviting them over this?

So where's the compromise then?

It’s unrealistic to expect your house to stay clean, tidy and organised when you have guests with young kids (and all the toys and paraphernalia that comes with them). Ideally the parents would keep on top of the mess and ensure rubbish goes in the bin. Are you providing enough for them? Eg pegs for costs so they’re not dumped on your surfaces, bins where people can see them, a box or basket to store toys/games in? It’s also polite to child proof your house to some extent when you have young visitors or the parents will be so busy following the kids around they’ll have no time to chat to you or relax. By child proof I mean move fragile or dangerous ornaments out of reach, don’t leave stuff with button batteries where kids can reach them, don’t leave keys in room/bathroom doors, don’t have dangling blind cords (those tiny clear plastic hooks are good for hanging things out of reach).

Seriously?? OP - just bash a few coat pegs into your walls, buy lots of bins and storage boxes and have all your belonging put into storage. Its the only polite solution.

I know right, talk about an entitled guest

Because my husband doesn't undertake the majority of the work re his messy guests. Until he starts to do that, I absolutely do feel that I can say no to having them. It's not like he doesn't go back home enough to see them, so I'm not sure why visits to us too are so essential.

You said earlier that he does take on the work of hosting and preparing, just not to your standard eg he puts mid-matched bed linen on the guest beds?
So you take over and do it to your standard? It sounds like the guests wouldn’t care about mismatched linen, but you would?

If you share a home with someone I think you accept they may be messier/tidier than you and try to meet in the middle. Especially where guests are concerned. It’s obviously important to him that his family and friends visit and you say he pulls his weight hosting eg entertaining and taking everyone out for meals.

I guess making them feel welcome is more important to him than some coats and wellies/shoes chucked in the wrong place?

Actually coats on the floor would irritate me too. But I’d just hang them up and remind the children where the pegs and shoe racks are (as I remind my own, kids do seem prone to just dropping things).

What do you want your husband to do to accommodate his messy guests? Have you told him what you expect?

@FateHasRedesignedMost

It sounds like the core of the problem isn’t your guests but the differences in how you and DH like your living space. You say you can’t relax in cluttered rooms, but he’s not bothered.

Can’t you have a couple of no-go rooms so you have pristine spaces to relax in? I’m guessing your house is large if you have guest rooms etc. Do you have a study you can escape to?

Worth remembering it’s your DH’s house too, so if his standards of tidiness are different, and mess doesn’t bother him, he shouldn’t have to change himself to fit your standards. And if his family/guests are on the more untidy side, why do you feel you can stop him inviting them over this?

It’s unrealistic to expect your house to stay clean, tidy and organised when you have guests with young kids (and all the toys and paraphernalia that comes with them). Ideally the parents would keep on top of the mess and ensure rubbish goes in the bin. Are you providing enough for them? Eg pegs for costs so they’re not dumped on your surfaces, bins where people can see them, a box or basket to store toys/games in? It’s also polite to child proof your house to some extent when you have young visitors or the parents will be so busy following the kids around they’ll have no time to chat to you or relax. By child proof I mean move fragile or dangerous ornaments out of reach, don’t leave stuff with button batteries where kids can reach them, don’t leave keys in room/bathroom doors, don’t have dangling blind cords (those tiny clear plastic hooks are good for hanging things out of reach).

Yeah, if the two options are everything in your last paragraph or not extending an invite to stay in my home, I'm going with the latter...

I totally appreciate the house won't stay pristine when we have guests and that's fine, but we're talking not a single surface in the kitchen being available to prepare food on, we're talking bags, shoes and coats dumped in the hallway and other areas of the house, despite their being plenty of coat hooks and shoe racks etc. Inevitably I end up going round picking these things up and tidying them away, DH will then hiss through a strained smile in front of said guests 'Darling, you're being a little rude, can't you wait til our guests have gone before you start clearing up.' and I smile sweetly back and say 'Not when there's plenty of coat hooks and shoe racks available, no. I don't want the dogs to damage anyone's property.' Same with the kitchen, absolute bombsite with everyone just sitting about laughing, joking, seemingly totally unbothered by it so after a while I'll start loading the dishwasher or do some washing up and start clearing things away. I then get another pointed look from guests and DH with him saying 'leave all that I'll do it later.' and me again, through a strained smile saying 'It's been like this all day, we need to start preparing dinner so I'll just make a start clearing up.'

The more you add, the more upset I am for you. This would upset me because it’s so inconsiderate and rude. I can’t stand not being able to have a clean surface to make a meal on or people just tossing their sh*t wherever in public areas. If they’re in the guest room, it doesn’t bother me, but public areas that are for everyone is an entirely different thing. I had a roommate that would have people over, make food, leave everything overnight and I would end up cleaning it up because it was the only way I could actually use the kitchen to make myself breakfast. I’m a clean as you go type person in the kitchen so by time meal is ready, the only thing needing to be done is the plates and silverware used for said meal going into the dishwasher, a wipe of the table and done. I clean up after myself when I visit others and offer to help them clean. It’s the least one can do when someone is allowing you to visit and/or stay in their home regardless if you’re related or not.

You need to really leave DH to sort it all and take yourself on a vacation. Perhaps, he’ll take into consideration how much work it is and how messy they really are and cut down on the visits when he’s the one cleaning up after them. If they aren’t as messy without you there then you know that they are capable for his sake and not yours and can limit the visits.

And when people are as messy/rude/inconsiderate as the OP describes, they're often very good at making more orderly/polite people feel like they're being uptight for expecting some sort of consideration and respect.