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Original poster

Annoyed when people say they feel like a single mum.

168 replies

angusthongs · 14/03/2022 09:49

I was chatting to a couple of my friends the other day and something they said really irritated me to the point I need another point of view. I was basically having a little rant about being on my own etc, and my friends who are both married and have kids said they feel like a single parents too.

This wound me up for a few reasons; I asked one of them what they had planned for the rest of the day, they said well my husband is home soon so we will just chill together.
When I asked how they felt about the increase in energy prices they both laughed and said I leave that to my husband.
In the middle of the night when their kids are sick, the other parent is there to help decide what to do, they have someone there to lean on, sometimes just by having another adult at home decreases that feeling of overwhelming feeling of responsibility.

It annoyed me as they have literally no idea what it's like being an actual single parent.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Vampirethriller · 14/03/2022 09:52

No you're not unreasonable, I can't stand that either. My daughter's father has never seen her because he changed his mind about her when I was pregnant. I have no family here. It's just me. One person for every single thing.
A woman I'm no longer friends with (for many reasons, not just this!) told me she knows exactly how I feel because her husband doesn't get home till half 5. No love, you don't, now fuck off.

PurpleDaisies · 14/03/2022 09:54

Not at all. Flowers

Have you told your friends you thought their comments were insensitive?

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 14/03/2022 09:55

I'm not a single parent but i understand what you are saying, YANBU. Being a single parent with no support financially, emotionally, mentally, physically etc is not the same as being in a relationship. Even if someone's partner is not really supportive they still have some company and someone to help in an emergency. Unless a husband works away from home regularly (in which case i can understand parents feeling quite like a single parent) then being in a couple is not like being a single parent.

Player001 · 14/03/2022 09:55

Not unreasonable at all. I too raised my DC alone, their DF nowhere to be seen. Irritates me when i hear some complain about feeling like a 'single parent' when their DH has gone away for work or 'with the boys'.

I've called some out on it and it's amusing to watch them try to back peddle.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/03/2022 09:56

They’re being hugely insensitive and crappy friends.

Glowtastic · 14/03/2022 09:58

YANBU with what you've described. I have a few single parent friends who really do everything themselves as the father is absent or useless. I also have a few "single" parent friends who have every other weekend to themselves as the father does pitch in plus they get hefty maintenance and only need to work part time. I don't see them as single parents, they are separated co parents. They've also got to keep your family home whilst the ex goes to live in a crappy rental somewhere. Everyone's circumstances are different.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 14/03/2022 09:59

@Vampirethriller

No you're not unreasonable, I can't stand that either. My daughter's father has never seen her because he changed his mind about her when I was pregnant. I have no family here. It's just me. One person for every single thing. A woman I'm no longer friends with (for many reasons, not just this!) told me she knows exactly how I feel because her husband doesn't get home till half 5. No love, you don't, now fuck off.
You sound like a very strong woman, a fine example to your daughter who deserves alot better than the man who is her biological dad. That woman/friend was ridiculous! Partner doesn't get home till half 5 or no partner coming home at all......there's just no comparison!! Also i think half 5 is very early for her husband to get home from work, she's clueless. Keep doing what you're doing Flowers
budgiegirl · 14/03/2022 10:00

YANBU. I find it very irritating, and I have a DH !

I have a friend who is constantly on Facebook, saying how she's a single mum during the weeks her husband is away on business (he's away 5 days a month). During time she posts lists of of all the things she's done (just usual working mum things), states how hard it is 'doing it all on her own', and how glad she will be when her DH gets home on Friday so she no longer has to be a single mum. Lots of people comment how amazing she is, but it just winds me up.

When my kids were very young, my DH worked away during the week, but I never once considered myself a single mum. Although it was not an easy time, it was only 4 nights at time, nothing compared to having to do it all on your own, week in, week out

Mumoblue · 14/03/2022 10:00

Nah, I get that too.
More than one person has told me they know how I feel because their partner “works a lot”.

It’s just down to ignorance, really. There’s so much you don’t need to consider as a couple that you suddenly need to sort out as a single parent.

I haven’t had a lie-in for two years, for one thing. Wink

Essentially if you even have someone who can keep the barest of eyes on your kid so you can go to the toilet in peace, we do not have the same experience. Grin

Player001 · 14/03/2022 10:01

@Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic

I'm not a single parent but i understand what you are saying, YANBU. Being a single parent with no support financially, emotionally, mentally, physically etc is not the same as being in a relationship. Even if someone's partner is not really supportive they still have some company and someone to help in an emergency. Unless a husband works away from home regularly (in which case i can understand parents feeling quite like a single parent) then being in a couple is not like being a single parent.
Nice thought but no, even if the husband works away from home it's nothing like being a single parent. They may not be there physically but there is still a second income at the very least.
Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 14/03/2022 10:03

@budgiegirl she sounds like an idiot who wants social media praise for doing what she should be doing as a parent Confused
My dh works away for 3/4 weeks at a time, sometimes longer but i certainly don't consider my life to be like that of a single parent. When he's away i get on with what needs doing and when he's home for a weekend we enjoy family time.

DomusAurea · 14/03/2022 10:03

I think there are some relationships (and we see some here on MN) where a woman's partner is, de facto, their child because they do not pull their weight financially, they do not contribute to childcare, cleaning ,etc, so one could argue that they feel like single mums, and sometimes the partner is so emotionally disengaged that they could feel like single mums.

However it does not look like your friends' situation is comparable - they seem very insensitive. Also I was astonished by their response to raising electricity prices.. .is this the 19th century?

Perhaps, theirs is a compartmentalised relationship where the male looks after the finances and the women look after the children, and no doubt they can feel lonely, but there is no comparison to the challenges that you face.

Comedycook · 14/03/2022 10:04

I'm not a single mum but I find it really annoying. I know a woman who went on a luxury holiday with her children alone because her millionaire husband was working. She had the cheek to describe herself as a single mum

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 14/03/2022 10:07

@Player001 i said i can understand how they may feel quite like a single parent, i didn't say it was like they were a single parent. Obviously it isn't as they still have the support of a partner and can share all their worries, concerns and joys with the parent working away plus the other burdens like finances. Plus the parent will come home at some point which is not the case for single parents ofcourse. Maybe i didn't word my comment the best, i definitely did not mean it was like being a single parent if the partner works away.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 14/03/2022 10:09

Agreed! My pet peev is when divorced friends who share their kids 50/50 with the kids father also say they're single mothers...erm not really!!

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 14/03/2022 10:09

@Comedycook

I'm not a single mum but I find it really annoying. I know a woman who went on a luxury holiday with her children alone because her millionaire husband was working. She had the cheek to describe herself as a single mum
Wow! These people seriously have no idea Hmm
Mumoblue · 14/03/2022 10:09

I will say though, I was much more annoyed when I found out that my ex was describing himself as a “single parent” to all his uni classmates.

He sees his son for 5 hours a week, sometimes not even that. I said to him, “You’re single and you’re a parent. You’re not a single parent”. He didn’t get it. 🤷‍♀️

BeginningBridge · 14/03/2022 10:11

I agree - I am a widow so I have to shoulder all the responsibility for my dc. As said, lots of single mums effectively co-parent. It is not the same at all.

Monty27 · 14/03/2022 10:12

My own sister does it constantly.
Her DH works away during the week earning a fortune. Comes back at the weekend and they just go out buying stuff. Bickering all the while. Well a lot.
I'm happier where I am as a single parent thanks.
At least that's clear right?

NorthSouthcatlady · 14/03/2022 10:16

I’m cringing on their behalf. It’s not the same thing at all, their partners going to work or even working away. 530 isn’t even late to get home -lots of people don’t actually finish work until 530 or 600pm

HowIsThisRight · 14/03/2022 10:16

I agree. But I also know there are plenty of women out there who would be far, far better off as official single parents because not only do they have to every single thing with the children with no input at all from their feckless partners, but they also have to do everything for their piece of shit partners too. If they described themselves as a single mum I'd see their point.

Lurking9to5 · 14/03/2022 10:21

It's not unreasonable at all

but

I don't automatically think married women are in a better position than I am. I have my own money, I make all the decisions, I 100% own my tiny shabby house so nobody can upend my life. I don't have to deal with a man child or resentment and my DC are teenagers so freedom is around the corner, no fear of empty nest at all.

I know that a lot of married women would probably feel pity for me. No husband = no life to a lot of women who have allowed their lives to shrink to stay at home mother beyond the point where their young dc need them. I kind of feel anxious for women whose lives could be upended in middle age off the back of a middle aged man's roving eye or selfishness or whatever.

The transition to single mother is a very tough one but after that, you're better off. If your husband is so useless that you ''feel like a single mother'' then finish the job and start feathering your OWN nest from now on I say.

If your H is wonderful et cetera then I don't mean you.

Vampirethriller · 14/03/2022 10:23

@Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic thank you! Smile

DarkCorner · 14/03/2022 10:24

YANBU. I also had a friend who would say (knowing I claimed a small amount of tax credits for childcare) that her and her DH would get so much money if they split up. I don't think she had quite computed that they'd also have to pay for 2 households!

I've been a single parent with 1 DC and now with second DC, I have a DP who works away a fair bit including some weekends and it's not the same at all.

Onlyforcake · 14/03/2022 10:28

You're not being unreasonable, it is easier to parent when the stresses and pressures are shared. But, there's a word of caution from me. I've been married and feeling like a single parent then a single parent, now married again.

My first husband was extremely unsupportive of anything to do with the children, literally expected me to sort, finance and generally shoulder all of the issues to do with household and childcare. I would also be left on my own, literally with no warning, no way of contacting for unpredictable lengths of time BEFORE i was single. So yes, i did feel like a single parent. It was a relief to actually be a single parent and know how much money was in the account without having to check hourly, to know that yes, i had to do all of everything but that meant my decisions were my own, so questioning no contradicting from someone else. It is a possibility that one of your friends who said this (most likely off hand insensitive remark) might actually be going through a tough time.