Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed when people say they feel like a single mum.

168 replies

angusthongs · 14/03/2022 09:49

I was chatting to a couple of my friends the other day and something they said really irritated me to the point I need another point of view. I was basically having a little rant about being on my own etc, and my friends who are both married and have kids said they feel like a single parents too.

This wound me up for a few reasons; I asked one of them what they had planned for the rest of the day, they said well my husband is home soon so we will just chill together.
When I asked how they felt about the increase in energy prices they both laughed and said I leave that to my husband.
In the middle of the night when their kids are sick, the other parent is there to help decide what to do, they have someone there to lean on, sometimes just by having another adult at home decreases that feeling of overwhelming feeling of responsibility.

It annoyed me as they have literally no idea what it's like being an actual single parent.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
samyeagar · 14/03/2022 14:43

There was a lot more to it than just this, but this attitude was one of the primary reasons I divorced my ex-wfie.

There was one turning point incident that I still vividly remember 15 years later.

She was a stay at home mum by her choice, no input from me. Our three kids were enrolled in all sorts of costly extras. She put constant pressure on me to earn more money, work more overtime. We lived 75 miles from where I worked and I had to make that commute every day because she did not want to move. I earned 100k a year, and she insisted on spending 125k.

Now, to the incident...

It was Christmas time, and we were invited to a big Christmas party. The kids had orchestra practice that same night, so my wife dropped them off and went to the party and I was to meet here there after work. I got there just in time to hear her talking to some of our friends about her busy schedule, and how she may as well be a single mum because I am always at work. Literally in the next breath, without even saying hello to me or anything, she told me I needed to go pick up the kids from orchestra.

The thing is, there was no irony or anything in her mindset. She genuinely believed it.

GalactatingGoddess · 14/03/2022 15:15

Has your post made it to The Mirror @angusthongs?

Annoyed when people say they feel like a single mum.
GalactatingGoddess · 14/03/2022 15:16

This is the first time I've spotted a MN thread online! I've heard about journalists stealing threads but never caught one ! 🎣

GalactatingGoddess · 14/03/2022 15:16

Not saying you're the journo btw OP!

Tiredtiredtired100 · 14/03/2022 15:37

YANBU. I’m a lone parent who now has a partner who is a single parent with 50:50 custody. There is little comparison between truly being a lone and single parent (where you still have a co-parent, shared responsibility and time to yourself) and being on your own 100% of the time. I for one would like to ask how these so called ‘feel like single’ parents coped in lockdown and if they spent months with a toddler and no real adult interaction except on Skype or over the garden hedge.

EmmaMaya · 14/03/2022 15:38

YANBU

Thethuthinang · 14/03/2022 16:36

I had a married friend who would say that. Her husband was never home because he was working earning a substantial income. I knew what she meant but it was SO blinkered for her to be ignoring her comfortable economic security blanket. Yes, annoying and Im not even a single mom.

Holskey · 14/03/2022 16:41

Sounds like you're reasonable to feel that way in these circumstances. Some women do everything whilst resenting a useless partner who only adds to their burdens. Such women would be better off alone. But your friends don't seem to fit that descriptions so they ABU.

samyeagar · 14/03/2022 16:51

@Thethuthinang

I had a married friend who would say that. Her husband was never home because he was working earning a substantial income. I knew what she meant but it was SO blinkered for her to be ignoring her comfortable economic security blanket. Yes, annoying and Im not even a single mom.
Among other things, my ex-wife saying things like how she might as well be a single mum really showed just how for granted she took me, and a huge sense of entitlement on her part. Absolutely no recognition of the fact that her entire way of life, the life she wanted, the entire house of cards was built upon my income.
TheSillyMastiff · 14/03/2022 17:15

As a lone parent what you mentioned OP annoys me and also Single parents who moan that everything is up to them, even though they get financial help like maintenance and every weekend off parenting. 🤣

I have no such privilege.

But it isn't a race to the bottom I tell myself, so I just take a deep breath, nod and go "yes so difficult, I feel for you".

I like a quiet life.

Steelesauce · 14/03/2022 18:31

I really felt the reality of being a lone parent when I refused hospital admission for my severe kidney infection as I had no one to care for my children. I don't know anyone with a partner who has had to do that.

user1471538283 · 14/03/2022 18:45

I used to get this. I would make a point of it was just me, one salary. Every outgoing, every decision, just me. All the judgement, just me.

I've been told that a husband working away for a week is the same or the ex husband having the kids every weekend or every other weekend is the same. How I should parent ...

sweetbellyhigh · 14/03/2022 19:05

@Glowtastic

YANBU with what you've described. I have a few single parent friends who really do everything themselves as the father is absent or useless. I also have a few "single" parent friends who have every other weekend to themselves as the father does pitch in plus they get hefty maintenance and only need to work part time. I don't see them as single parents, they are separated co parents. They've also got to keep your family home whilst the ex goes to live in a crappy rental somewhere. Everyone's circumstances are different.
That comes across as very judgmental, why the quotation marks around single? They are single.

How do you know the child support payments are hefty?

Your friends still have the mental and physical load of parenting alone. And they count you, someone who backstabs them, as a friend.
I'd say they have it pretty tough.

sweetbellyhigh · 14/03/2022 19:12

I think that on the whole a lot of people are quite thick and self absorbed and just trot out inane comments.

You could do with better friends.

Question887 · 14/03/2022 20:09

I agree in the sense that if you've never been a single mum then you don't truly understand. However, single or married; everyone's circumstances are different.
I was a single mum and honestly felt less stressed and alone then than I do now having lived with a partner for 3 years.

Kage30 · 14/03/2022 20:13

Once a friend caused a stir when she posted on Facebook that she now knew what being a single mum was like after her bloke went away for the weekend. She might have had to manage on her own for the weekend, but no way was it the same as being a single mum.

^ I am not a single mum but I have been a single mum when Ds was small!

Prettynails · 14/03/2022 20:14

I have one child 24/7 and the other all term time all weekend - he does a week at Christmas Easter and summer except he didn’t turn up at Christmas etc

It is not the same. I can’t and don’t talk to my ex. My parents are vile. Illness, poor behaviour and arguing all day every day. I love them both but I didn’t choose to be a single parent. I was forced into it by an abusive husband. I don’t regret it.

I’m going ape shit this week though a married couple dropped their two off for a play date for an hour on Sundays and then it turned into 4 hours wtf?? They ran late to pick them up

Anonymous48 · 14/03/2022 20:18

@HollyBollyBooBoo

Agreed! My pet peev is when divorced friends who share their kids 50/50 with the kids father also say they're single mothers...erm not really!!
Absolutely! I was widowed when my children were young. Divorced mothers complaining about the trials of being a single mother when they regularly got entire weekends kid-free was infuriating.
Cactuslove · 14/03/2022 20:20

I have a 1 and 3 yr old. Exdp cheated and so we separated. I work 24 hrs per week and do as many of these as possible on the 2 days my ex has the kids. I deal with nursery, GP. I do everything day to day. I toured schools and applied etc. I do the back to back nights of endless wake ups. I have described myself as a single parent. But I now see from this thread that this would wind some people up. I actually feel more alone having read this.

itsnotdeep · 14/03/2022 20:29

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP.

But everyone else on the thread, there isn't a hierarchy of single parenthood. It isn't a competition.

tigger2022 · 14/03/2022 20:33

I do have friends where I think (purely being judgemental) the husband is a net increase in housework and stress but it sounds like this is not the case for your friends!

JustLyra · 14/03/2022 20:40

I think “single” parent is a very simple term. A parent that doesn’t have a partner living with them is a single parent.

That doesn’t make them one homogenous group with equal experiences, but they are single parents.

Some are truly lone parents - just them, no support and help at all.

Some are single parents who do the bulk of it and have bits of support from the other parent and/or their family.

Some are single parents who have loads of support from their ex and/or their families.

Original poster
angusthongs · 14/03/2022 20:45

@GalactatingGoddess oh my god 😂😂😂

OP posts:
itsnotdeep · 14/03/2022 20:46

Yes but some of the single parents might have a disabled child. Or an abusive, violent ex. Or 5 kids. Or no income.

Some of the lone parents might have helpful parents. Or one child. or a high income.

Any of them might be dealing with mental health issues, or be disabled, or have a serious illness.

You don't know. I just think single/lone parents should have empathy and solidarity with other single parents, rather than put them on some imaginary sliding scale of shit-ness.

georgarina · 14/03/2022 20:54

Totally agree. ExMIL once told me that as a single working parent I shouldn't need a break. When I pointed out she had never been in my position she replied "I was basically a single mother."

...No. If you're married, living together, and your OH comes home at night, you are not a single parent, and it's not the same.

Swipe left for the next trending thread