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AIBU?

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Original poster

Annoyed when people say they feel like a single mum.

168 replies

angusthongs · 14/03/2022 09:49

I was chatting to a couple of my friends the other day and something they said really irritated me to the point I need another point of view. I was basically having a little rant about being on my own etc, and my friends who are both married and have kids said they feel like a single parents too.

This wound me up for a few reasons; I asked one of them what they had planned for the rest of the day, they said well my husband is home soon so we will just chill together.
When I asked how they felt about the increase in energy prices they both laughed and said I leave that to my husband.
In the middle of the night when their kids are sick, the other parent is there to help decide what to do, they have someone there to lean on, sometimes just by having another adult at home decreases that feeling of overwhelming feeling of responsibility.

It annoyed me as they have literally no idea what it's like being an actual single parent.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Tink626 · 14/03/2022 10:31

YANBU I'm a lone parent with no family support and people who say this really irritate me. They have no idea.

Lurking9to5 · 14/03/2022 10:31

I agree, I feel that it's women assessing whether or not they're brave enough to start again who say this.

jeaux90 · 14/03/2022 10:31

I agree it pisses me right off as a single mum.

BingBangB0ng · 14/03/2022 10:32

You aren’t being remotely unreasonable.

fuckwhatshouldido · 14/03/2022 10:33

YANBU in that situation.

But I’m a single mum and tbh my life is infinitely better and easier than it was for the majority of time when I was married. And exDH isn’t a particularly bad bloke, just run-of-the-mill useless. When I had my second he was out the house 6am - 8pm (so basically the children’s entire waking hours) and yeah, I did feel pretty single for a lot of it tbh. Except it was worse because the loneliness then was much more intense. He also now mostly has the children every other weekend (although sometimes not the youngest) so I also get far more time off from them than I ever did when I was married.

So I guess I’m trying to say that there are levels of single parenthood and while you’re not unreasonable, being in a shit marriage (even low-level shit) comes with a lot of related or similar issues to single parenthood and I don’t think it’s impossible that someone in that situation feels pretty similarly.

Comedycook · 14/03/2022 10:33

The thing is there's so many variables aren't there.

I know a single mum who shares 50/50 custody with her ex. Her life is actually easier than if they were together in many ways. She has way more childfree time now and her ex does way more parenting than he did when they were together and she was doing it all!

Beseen22 · 14/03/2022 10:34

My DH was sent abroad for 9 months and we seen him twice and spoke on Skype about twice a week. That was hard, I was working, studying and full time placement and pregnant and with the toddler every other second and sleeping in the same room. There was no back up when I needed something like when DS got chicken pox. However I would never have had the cheek to say I was like a single mum because whilst he physically wasn't there and not particularly contactable his wage sure came in handy.

Lurking9to5 · 14/03/2022 10:35

The additional strain of a run of the mill shit marriage is that you can't really be 100% open about the challenges you're facing because some bright spark will suggest that you ''sit him down and tell him how much it's bothering you'' or, they'll sensible suggest that you split up but when you know you're not brave enough to start again yet then you kind of have to keep quiet about how shit it all is for you..........

Flickflak · 14/03/2022 10:35

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Wordlewobble · 14/03/2022 10:36

I get your point OP. I worked PT when my DC were little and DH was out of the house for very long hours. My DC were 13 months apart in age so parenting was very demanding and full on. My DH was a good provider but he didn’t get up during the night as he had a very early start and long drives to work, he was sometimes away on business and so he was shattered on a night Monday to Friday and wanted a lie in on a Saturday and Sunday. I rarely got a moment to myself ever as he wanted to spend the weekends with the DC and myself. My in laws lived 3 1/2 hours away and my sister was a single parent who had chucked her DD’s father out just before my DS was born and she totally monopolised my parents for childcare to the point where they had no time or interest to see or help out me and my DC. My sister as well as having free childcare from them also had time to herself to do housework, for drinks out after her part time job, visits to the hairdresser, the doctor etc during the week, time to go food shopping etc whilst my parents stepped in as well as having every other weekend footloose and fancy free whilst her ex partner looked after her DD. Meanwhile I was exhausted all of the time. I even had to go for a smear test with the DC. Meanwhile I would see single parents in town on a Saturday all glammed up out with their friends or new partners (meanwhile I was off to the library or the park without make up looking and feeling wrecked 24/7). So not all single parents or parents who aren’t single have it easy.

Albatrossing · 14/03/2022 10:36

i hear you! It's massively annoying!

I'm a bit surprised about some people's definition of a 'single mum'. I don't think you need to be really struggling to be 'allowed' to say that you're a single mum -- you can still have Child maintenance, some weekends off, to still be 'doing it alone'. I'm interested that people say that if you co-parent effectively you're not a single mum. I don't think that's right.

Some single mums have it A LOT harder than others -- to those of you who have NO financial support or time off, my hat is very definitely off to you. But i still think you're a single mum if you're the primary carer and not in a relationship with the dad...?

Steelesauce · 14/03/2022 10:37

Its very frustrating. Especially as a lone parent. However, when they moan about their husbands not doing anything, arguments they have, that they'll have to ask to buy something etc. I sit and think how grateful I am that I don't have to deal with someone else's shit!

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 14/03/2022 10:38

As a happily married women I also find it offensive. My sil's dh works away quite a lot during the week, but he is well paid and the family well provided for - household staff, private schools etc. She would often declare herself a single parent. On the other hand my own ds has raised her children as a military wife. Her dh would be away 3 - 6 months at a time. Not once has she claimed to be a single parent.

lemongreentea · 14/03/2022 10:42

yanbu.

the best ones are married friends with partners that work, do some housework, do school runs, after school activity drops off and pick up and generally contribute financially and otherwise who tell single parents how lucky they are to have all the freedom of not having to worry about a man to cook and clean for! i still have to cook and clean for the dc but without any financial or physical support.

im not sure why they thinkt they are so hard done by and when i suggest they divorce to live on one income and no one to help help with they dc they get very defensive and upset.

if being a single parent is so great why dont you do it!

DespairingHomeowner · 14/03/2022 10:43

@AnneLovesGilbert

They’re being hugely insensitive and crappy friends.
^ YANBU - at all!!
Aroundtheworldin80moves · 14/03/2022 10:43

DH weekly commutes. Its not the same as single parenthood. Some of the practical issues can be the same (such as you can only be in one place at one time, and not being able to go out in the evenings...). But its not the same emotionally or financially. And at the end of the day, I have someone on my 'team' to off load to.

RewildingAmbridge · 14/03/2022 10:46

In your examples YANBU, but there are other situations that are just as hard, women in abusive relationships where the partner gives no help at all with children or financially, is another mouth to feed, clean up after etc plus the constant walking on eggshells. I have friends whose husbands are in the military and are regularly deployed often with limited contact etc , yes they can have two incomes but often it's not feasible for them to work, especially full time or in a well paid role as they get moved around a lot including to other countries, or you live completely separate lives. I also know people who say they are single parents and I suppose technically they are but the children's father has them regularly pays above expected maintenance, pays for uniforms, clubs, goes to parents evenings, facilitates sports and activities etc. So it really depends on the individual circumstances.

canigooutyet · 14/03/2022 10:46

Yanbu.
In the past I have told people to swap places with me for a week to really see what it's like doing it alone. Funnily enough no-one has ever taken me up on the offer, and usually change the topic sharpish.

Like some others it's just me and the dc's and has been this way for a very long time.

Even when I was with the useless ex, although he did fuck all, he was there to moan to even though he didn't bother responding or gave bs responses he thought I wanted to hear.

Since I started calling myself a lone/sole parent no-one mentions the oh I feel like a single parent bollocks.

Chely · 14/03/2022 10:47

People say dumb shit all the time.

I'm a forces wife, people say things that grate on me but I let it slide and just get on with my own stuff. I've had to cope solo lots but I have the financial support and am able to be a sahm so while I can struggle sometimes I'm not completely alone like a single parent with no help.

Ilovedthe70s · 14/03/2022 10:49

I was widowed when my eldest child was 8, I have 6 children.
An acquaintance got divorced and told me it was harder for her as she was now a single parent!
When I said that I was a single parent too she laughed and told me I really wasn’t and had no idea how hard it was.
I have never understood her thinking.

Onionpatch · 14/03/2022 10:51

Its an insensitive comment in those circumstances. You needed support and got flippancy.

Rinatinabina · 14/03/2022 10:53

YANBU, I’m not a single parent but it looks bloody tough. After having DD I was just in awe of anyone doing it by themselves. Not having someone to share responsibility with, always having to be on and present must be hard. I love DD but I would find it a million times harder if it were just her and me.

Obviously though its better than a shit relationship where your DH is just adding to your work or is just a horrible bastard.

RewildingAmbridge · 14/03/2022 10:53

Not very eloquently I guess what I'm saying is that regardless of labels some people have it tougher than others

heyyellowyellow · 14/03/2022 10:54

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest, for all the reasons other posters have given. To add another one of my own, my lad and I have been a mum and son team for 14 years, his dad isn’t on the scene at all. On Saturday night I experienced my first full-on teenage melt down and I wish to god I’d had someone to give me a hug after it. All the other parts of teenagehood… I’ve got no one to check in with at the end of the day (even by text… just thinking of all of those DHs/partners who are away part of the week) to make sure I’m doing an okay job. I’m a high school teacher to trade so I “get” adolescents but fuck me, so different when it’s your own child!

You are absolutely right to feel annoyed by your friends on this one.

DespairingHomeowner · 14/03/2022 10:59

@Ilovedthe70s: wow, what an idiotic ‘friend’

Being a single parent of any sort (lone by choice/circumstance, divorced or widowed) has challenges some the same, some differ.

Sounds like ‘friend’ wanted to win the hard done by stakes.

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