Annoyed when people say they feel like a single mum.

[angusthongs]

I was chatting to a couple of my friends the other day and something they said really irritated me to the point I need another point of view. I was basically having a little rant about being on my own etc, and my friends who are both married and have kids said they feel like a single parents too.

This wound me up for a few reasons; I asked one of them what they had planned for the rest of the day, they said well my husband is home soon so we will just chill together.
When I asked how they felt about the increase in energy prices they both laughed and said I leave that to my husband.
In the middle of the night when their kids are sick, the other parent is there to help decide what to do, they have someone there to lean on, sometimes just by having another adult at home decreases that feeling of overwhelming feeling of responsibility.

It annoyed me as they have literally no idea what it's like being an actual single parent.

Am I being unreasonable?

@Satsumaeater no, it is not the same at all as being a single parent, even if the partner works away for months at a time. Because even if they are away, there is still the reassurance of the other parent’s wage financially contributing to the household which makes all the difference- either enabling one parent to be a stay at home parent or to be a two wage household. This is especially true for single parents whose ex contributes little or nothing for their kids. Having your children completely relying on you financially is terrifying when you are on a low wage and struggling to make ends meet- unexpected bills and costs can be a complete financial disaster, as can having to take unpaid leave from work to look after a sick child.

@DomusAurea

I think there are some relationships (and we see some here on MN) where a woman's partner is, de facto, their child because they do not pull their weight financially, they do not contribute to childcare, cleaning ,etc, so one could argue that they feel like single mums, and sometimes the partner is so emotionally disengaged that they could feel like single mums.

However it does not look like your friends' situation is comparable - they seem very insensitive. Also I was astonished by their response to raising electricity prices.. .is this the 19th century?

Perhaps, theirs is a compartmentalised relationship where the male looks after the finances and the women look after the children, and no doubt they can feel lonely, but there is no comparison to the challenges that you face.

This is true my ex was controlling, I would have said at the time I felt like a single parents, because he did absolutely nothing to help, he just played PS4.

I am actually far better off now as a single parent because I have more disposable income on benefits then I ever got out of him, I am still doing everything, I am not being put down, blamed and threatened endlessly and given impossible tasks to complete and then told I need to try harder, when I fail them.

so in a sense life as a single mum is easier but thats all circumstantial, people shouldn't have to live that way.

@Mumoblue

I will say though, I was much more annoyed when I found out that my ex was describing himself as a “single parent” to all his uni classmates.

He sees his son for 5 hours a week, sometimes not even that. I said to him, “You’re single and you’re a parent. You’re not a single parent”. He didn’t get it. 🤷‍♀️

my ex doesn't consider himself a parent as he doesnt live with his child, out of sight out of mind, compartmentalization.

as others have said single parenthood doesn’t just come in one flavour— and a lot of emphasis has been made on the ‘well at least their are two incomes’ - there are single mums getting wages plus maintenance and in many cases financially are in at least the same position as married mums being forced to pay substantial amounts of family bills from earnings without much of a contribution— because two parent families come in multi varieties too- I have been both a single parent and married with kids and in my 1st marriage apart from no income issues the day to day did indeed feel much the same as being a single parent, except any spare child free time I did have , I was answerable for. It’s not something I would say in front of a single parent though. I wonder if it was a . Frivolous throwaway comment OP or maybe she has a bit of tough time too

Whether you share kids or not, being solely responsible for keeping a roof over your head is still a challenge as a parent, be it single, or co.

Same @velvetchairgirl 🍷

Not unreasonable at all. That would Pisa me right off

@TheOrigRights

I was poorly the week before last. My DS is 12 so more than able to make a Pot Noodle look after himself while I languished in bed.

Being unwell when you're on your own really stinks and I was thankful in my years as a lone parent this was the first time I've been properly ill in bed. I was dreading it happening when he was younger.

I had friends offer to get me shopping, but what I really wanted was someone to maybe bring DS a meal over just so he didn't have to fend for himself (he's quite capable as I said, but he's still just a kid).

It hasn't happened to me often - the odd off the cuff remark when someone's husband has been away for a few days. My lack of response is enough for her to know it was insensitive.

When you're ill it is really shit isn't it? I cringe when there are threads on here moaning about the selfish bastard who won't take a day off to look after them.

I have a number of health issues and them fending for themselves has always been a concern especially with additional needs. The only way we got through this was simply because I'd cook extra so there was always meals in the freezer. Also helped with the days I simply couldn't be fucked.

I did lapse with this though as I had gotten reliant on people, then covid happened, I was ill, couldn't get shopping delivered and ended up having to resort to far too many take aways, which I know I was fucking lucky to be able to do this.

Its not just the practical things that we miss out on. When I'm ill and I'm sure I'm not alone, something I really long for is the emotional support and a hug. Never mind when you've had a shit day or the teens decide to be obnoxious teens.

Then of course there's the guilt that you aren't doing enough for them when you are ill.

You are 100% NBU. Having a partner - even if they're only on the other end of the phone, is very different from being single. Even more so if you do get to spend significant chunks of time with them. Being a sort of demi-parent where your partner is away a lot is really hard, but it's just not the same as being single and people could do with being more sensitive and remembering that.

@Lurking9to5

Same *@velvetchairgirl* 🍷

Yep this has got me thinking that maybe if someone says they feel like a single parent we shouldn't just instantly jump to calling them a insensitive prat, we should dig to find out how they are living.

90% of the time they probably are full of shit, but 10% maybe with an arse.

I would have said I feel like a single mum and I feel like my partners mother rather then partner. it was bloody awful and embarrassing that I let it happen.

perhaps what we really need to do is shed the fairytale assumptions of what being in a couple means, because the statistics of DV, affairs etc simply dont match the expectations we are fed by the media from birth.

@Glowtastic
If you are solely responsible for earning the money that keeps a roof over your children's head whilst they live with you, you are a single parent.

I also have friends who's partner are often away and uncontactable for months at a time by phone/email/skype.
They still have support, albeit delayed, by writing to each other. All those parenting issues that crop up that simply cannot be supported with by a none parent.
Decisions about schools, their health, dietary needs, finances and more. Those little in jokes, choices about furniture, decorating, which appliance to buy.

Not unreasonable at all. My best friend has a husband who does all the evening work despite working 6 days a week, her mother comes over every day and helps she she has a cleaner. She had the cheek to say she understood how I felt being a single parent when her husband had to unexpectedly to away for a weekend for work.
I was seething as a single parent in my mind is 1 person solely responsible for everything financially, physically, emotionally and psychologically associated to their child. No luxury of emergency childcare and the one who makes all the difficult decisions and is absolutely responsible for everything. To say I felt insulted was an understatement.

There are many varieties of separated parents. One friend is solely responsible for the mortgage and the worry of that keeps her up at night. Her ex contributes nothing financially. It's v tough for her.

Another friend has a salary from her part time job, working tax credits, some other benefits, maintenance from the ex, plus mortgage and car paid for as part of their settlement. She has way way more spends than me although on paper it looks like I'm better off.

There's just so many variations.

I know a single mum of three with no family support. Her husband died so she is totally alone. I consider that seriously tough.

I also know a divorced mum who's ex does 50/50. She has so much childfree time. She is always on nights out and weekends away.

@Crikeyalmighty

as others have said single parenthood doesn’t just come in one flavour— and a lot of emphasis has been made on the ‘well at least their are two incomes’ - there are single mums getting wages plus maintenance and in many cases financially are in at least the same position as married mums being forced to pay substantial amounts of family bills from earnings without much of a contribution— because two parent families come in multi varieties too- I have been both a single parent and married with kids and in my 1st marriage apart from no income issues the day to day did indeed feel much the same as being a single parent, except any spare child free time I did have , I was answerable for. It’s not something I would say in front of a single parent though. I wonder if it was a . Frivolous throwaway comment OP or maybe she has a bit of tough time too

I would say this is perfectly true.

My parents separated when my brother and I were young. My mum had sole care of us, although my dad usually looked after us on a Saturday while she worked. However, he did support her financially, and with anything required for my brother and I. She was probably in a better situation than people living with unsupportive partners.

Yes YABU

being a single parent is, like everything else, dependant on your situation. There are plenty who have lots of emotional and physical support, lots who don't have money worries or stresses, just like other parents whether part of a couple or not.

There's no 'one size fits all' in any scenario, at best your friends don't understand you, at worst they are selfish and you need to ditch them.

I don't think that they mean to upset you. It sounds like they are just having a moan about how they find it more difficult then they are used to when their partner is away or unhelpful.

I know it is insensitive but I don't believe that they are trying to upset you.

You can bet that they wouldn't cope as well as you if the situation actually arose.

I don't know how I feel about divorced women with a present ex not being able to call themselves single parents. It's not a competition. Yes, they may get child free time, but what about lone mothers who have a great family support network where kids regularly stay over at grandparents etc? Or a lone mum who moves in with her parents? Does she still get to call herself a single parent? What about someone with a partner who regularly stays over?

IMO, if you're not together and living with the father of your children, and dealing with them on your own in the middle of the night when they're sick, and taking time off to care for them at home when they can't go to school because they're with you, then you're a single parent.

They're being totally ridiculous.

However, I do feel that there's been a bit of an unreasonable movement recently where "single parent" top trumps any other living situation. I have a friend (X) who was moaning the other day that friend Y has "no idea" what it's like to be a single parent. X shares custody of one child 50:50 with her ex. Y is married, but has three kids on her own for weeks at a time while her husband is away.

@Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic

I'm not a single parent but i understand what you are saying, YANBU. Being a single parent with no support financially, emotionally, mentally, physically etc is not the same as being in a relationship. Even if someone's partner is not really supportive they still have some company and someone to help in an emergency. Unless a husband works away from home regularly (in which case i can understand parents feeling quite like a single parent) then being in a couple is not like being a single parent.

Even when they work away it’s not the same as being a single mum. You still have someone to talk with, someone to help share the big decision making and, ultimately, someone that could be there in an emergency (even the military bring people home in dire emergencies). So there’s still some back up, plus the obvious financial back up a second wage brings. (DH works away regularly)

I'm widowed and it's so much more than just the practical side of co-parenting that I miss. There's also the financial side and the pressure that being a sole provider brings. And what I miss more than anything is the emotional side - being able to talk about parenting worries, share triumphs and generally just knowing that person who loves your kid as much as you do is out there. Before DH died we faced a potential future where he would be incapacitated and therefore not able to help with the practical side of parenting. That would have been incredibly hard. But so, so much easier than doing it completely alone.

It's not the same. But I often felt like a single parent when I was married and it was hard work. I am now a single parent as got divorced and find it better than when I was unhappily married doing it all myself anyway! But I have a lot of family support, so that really helps.

YABNU. I had a friend who used to say this. Granted her DH worked away alot of the week, but it just isn't the same.
For me I had no financial support from exDH but he had the DC every other weekend, so I did get a break every 2 weeks for a couple of days, which I took full advantage of (wine, long baths, take away).

But for me it was the emotional support. Not having that at all and having to make every decision and hope I was getting things right. No one to sanity check my decisions about the dc, no one to talk things through with about what to do in situations.

Now I am in a relationship and although the dc are my responsibility still, theres someone there to lean on when I need to, or to run things by if I'm unsure how to deal with something, or just to vent to even. And its so much simpler having someone on your team, even if they are not there every day.

YANBU. I have been a single parent for many years (to my now teen), and I am now a parent for a second time to an almost 1 year old. My partner works long hours and I do the bulk of the childcare for out youngest, which can take its toll at times and I'll admit there's been evenings / weekends where I'm alone again with our baby thinking "I feel like a single parent all over again". But I do quickly check myself, as I know what it's like to be truly on my own from having my first, and it feels nothing like this time around. So you're definitely not being unreasonable.