Annoyed when people say they feel like a single mum.

[angusthongs]

I was chatting to a couple of my friends the other day and something they said really irritated me to the point I need another point of view. I was basically having a little rant about being on my own etc, and my friends who are both married and have kids said they feel like a single parents too.

This wound me up for a few reasons; I asked one of them what they had planned for the rest of the day, they said well my husband is home soon so we will just chill together.
When I asked how they felt about the increase in energy prices they both laughed and said I leave that to my husband.
In the middle of the night when their kids are sick, the other parent is there to help decide what to do, they have someone there to lean on, sometimes just by having another adult at home decreases that feeling of overwhelming feeling of responsibility.

It annoyed me as they have literally no idea what it's like being an actual single parent.

Am I being unreasonable?

Yes I'd be annoyed by that comment. I have my daughter 5 nights a week (I work late the nights she's at her dads) wel supposed to be except she's going through a weird separation anxiety phase since I was in hospital in December and hasnt stayed with her dad since then. She speaks with him every night, and still goes to his 2 evenings until I finish work then I have to run about and pick her up at 8pm. Honestly I'd kill for 1 night on my own if I'm honest as I am exhausted at the minute with everything I have going on but I would never ever sit and moan to any of my friends who had no help from the dad as that's not that same as my circumstances at all. My daughter won't even go to my mums without me. She's 9 this year she only goes to me or her dads alone anywhere else one of us needs to be there 😂 single mums & dads I do not know how you do it! X

Yanbu they are absolutely bloody clueless

We can all make thoughtless, insensitive comments.

I am married and have 3 children but with no family around, its been fairly relentlessly just me and my husband. All the divorced and single parents I know have child-free weekends every other week. Over the summer, many of them went for weekends abroad. But I know that that's no payback for the pain and heartbreak so I kept my thoughts to myself.

My one dear friend, with 1 child and now divorced so single parenting, once told me that she'd had such a bad night that she had to go home for a nap after nursery drop-off. I dropped my eldest off, put the middle child back in the pushchair to come home with me and smiled. I don't think I'd had 3 hours sleep that night.

It's not the same by any stretch of the imagination if you are married. It's simply not comparable.

There are huge numbers of us lone parents who have no contact with the absent fathers, get no child support and have no family.

Unless you're in this position ( and in my case kids with additional needs to boot) then you don't know you're born.

Whilst I understand and recognise that my situation (50/50) is different to lone parents, I didn't realise just the strength of feeling on it.

Surely we've all experienced varying degrees of hurt and upset, and continue to have varying degrees of ongoing struggles - whether that's financial, MH, emotional trauma.

It's not a competition for who's got it the shittest, and making assumptions about what I have and don't have over your situation doesn't really achieve much.

As others have mentioned, everyone has variables - I don't get maintenance, I work FT, my family aren't around me. But yes, my children go to their father and I can stop and breathe for a minute. I'm sorry about that. But I can assure you it's not all prosecco hun brunches and endless nights out.

Again though. I see it's not the same as 24/7. Just not sure how I can stop you feeling the rage at me for it. If it helps, I'm tired and a bit emotionally broken and scared about my future.

We should all by sympathetic with each other it's not a league table of who is worse off.
I am a lone parent and it's hard but equally I earn an amazing wage that give us choices. No I don't get a break, I am working or being a mum, no lay ins, I still have to do big pitches regardless of sleep. Equally I am happier than I was with the abusive addict. There are no arguments about food, discipline, bed times etc. It's my way and consistency. I earn well but it still costs me £40 in babysitters before I even step out the door for a night out. Some people are used to the fact we come as a package. They are the people I make time for. I try not to spend my life wishing for something else, especially at the moment with those refugees.
Everyone has their struggles and have the right to moan, could they use kinder more thoughtful language, probably but until I never screw up I try to think the best of them.

@HollyBollyBooBoo

Agreed! My pet peev is when divorced friends who share their kids 50/50 with the kids father also say they're single mothers...erm not really!!

Why "not really?"

When you're looking at a hypothetical family holiday and unless you take a mate along or face the increased costs of the only adult, you are a single parent.

To all those struggling, i hope you find more support over time.

The attitudes I'm seeing here has reminded me of the race for the shittest lockdown experience.

"We're all in the same storm, not the same boat"

GLowtastic - not a bitter second wife there?

Seriously not a helpful post.

OP as a single parent I totally agree - pisses me off. Sometimes the enormity of the decisions I make for my DCS scares me. Ex last had them for a weekend in 2018!

Although making decisions on your own can be easier sometimes

There is someone I follow on instagram. Her husband works away 5 days a week but earns an absolute bomb. It bugs me that she constantly goes on about solo parenting. She has the emotional and financial support of a partner. She is an influencer/SAHM so she chose to be at home with the baby and surely her husband wouldn't be at home with her in day anway?

Nobody can understand what it's like to be a single parent, except other single parents.

YANBU - As a single parent I find it not only insensitive but ridiculous. People have to think beyond just child care, but also income, other forms of help etc.

The worst offender in my life has a husband who is a barrister and she hasn't worked since becoming a Mum, 19 yo is at Uni and 16 yo is at college and a very sensible & independent teen who goes directly from College to specialized sport training and is gone from the house from 8-6 daily, often later, taking trains so not needing lifts etc. 16 yo also works all day Sundays from 10-6 pm. This person goes on and on about how it's so hard b/c she's like a single parent. FWIW she also has a cleaner and dog walker and as mentioned hasn't worked in 20 years. She says dh can't do anything, so it's like being a single parent, completely forgetting he brings in a six figure income, cuts the lawn every weekend, puts bins in/out, does the driving for Uni child to come home monthly for an extended weekend and various other things. Like mentioned, also brings home a six figure salary.

I also find it a bit when friends who are divorced whose ex are involved and have the kids part of the week (obviously not all ex situations are like this) say they have no childcare or help and ex does nothing, how they never get a break from their dc, when as said their ex is involved and has the dc weekly or every other week. I have a friend who does/says this all the time, yet ex has the dc two days a week after school so she can work longer days and not have to pay for childcare. He also has them every Saturday from 12 pm to 8 pm. During this time she sees friends, has a coffee in town, reads, walks the dog, occasionally goes out to the cinema with friends, or just has the house to herself for 8 hours. I get it, during the week it feels different as he isn't there to help with morning or bedtime routine, but don't pretend your arrangement means you get no break. You do.

I think sometimes when people have it hard in one area of their life, they need to make it seem like it is all challenging. It seems easier for people to say they are like single parents, rather than say their partner isn't around 45/50 hours/week but they are grateful for good income and their being around at the weekends. Similarly, it seems easier to say someone doesn't get a break instead of I find morning/evening routines harder since the divorce because there's not another adult to help, but I really enjoy my break on Saturday because the dc are with him and I can have a bit of time to myself.

There's no award for being in the hardest situation. I also think the problem with making it seem worse than you have it, is it almost takes away from real hardships people face.

@PurpleDaisies

Not at all.

Have you told your friends you thought their comments were insensitive?

What did your friends say when you raised it @angusthongs ?

But yes, my children go to their father and I can stop and breathe for a minute. I'm sorry about that.

No one said you/parents need to feel "sorry" or that 2-parent households never have problems. But it's different and not comparable to being a single parent.

@ElliotGoss

There is someone I follow on instagram. Her husband works away 5 days a week but earns an absolute bomb. It bugs me that she constantly goes on about solo parenting. She has the emotional and financial support of a partner. She is an influencer/SAHM so she chose to be at home with the baby and surely her husband wouldn't be at home with her in day anway?

I think sometimes some people forget that there is more to being a single parent, or parent in general than just having ones children in their presence. I suppose some try and use it in a literal sense to mean that they are the only parent physically with their child at a given point in time, and are quick to discount that it also includes things such as having a full time job providing financial support

I find it irritating.

Another mother at school had a complete meltdown in the yard as her husband was going away on a course for a week and she'd be on her own with her children every evening and she didn't know how she would cope. She ended up with other people cooking family meals for them and helping her with household jobs after school etc.

I just stood there thinking that's the kind of stuff I have to do all day every day all by myself but none of you have ever offered to cook me a meal or do my cleaning for me!

@georgarina

But yes, my children go to their father and I can stop and breathe for a minute. I'm sorry about that.

No one said you/parents need to feel "sorry" or that 2-parent households never have problems. But it's different and not comparable to being a single parent.

That was me feeling defensive about the earlier comments, that co-parents seem to bring about the rage of some single/lone parents for using 'single parent'.

I don't know where to put myself really. Using the word 'single parent' is helpful to quickly sum up my situation without having to go into a lengthy description of what my set up is.

Co-parent doesn't quite sit right, but perhaps it'll gain traction and everyone will start to understand more what that means.

I can see the issue, so it's not lost on me. But it's troubling me. Half a parent?

@ZeldaFighter

We can all make thoughtless, insensitive comments.

I am married and have 3 children but with no family around, its been fairly relentlessly just me and my husband. All the divorced and single parents I know have child-free weekends every other week. Over the summer, many of them went for weekends abroad. But I know that that's no payback for the pain and heartbreak so I kept my thoughts to myself.

My one dear friend, with 1 child and now divorced so single parenting, once told me that she'd had such a bad night that she had to go home for a nap after nursery drop-off. I dropped my eldest off, put the middle child back in the pushchair to come home with me and smiled. I don't think I'd had 3 hours sleep that night.

It's not the same though. You have someone to share the mental load with. You have company. You have a co-parent. It's not about the amount of sleep you get, or the ability to nap, or sit on the sofa and have a breather. It's about sharing the load., having support. Having someone who can put their arm around you (even if you've only had 2 hours sleep) and tell you you're not alone.

and you have 2 incomes in one household.

Interesting opinions on this thread which have certainly had me thinking. I am single and a parent to 2 children who also spend a significant amount of time with their dad. It had honestly never occurred to me not to class/refer to myself as a single parent. As with a previous poster, the term co-parent doesn't quite seem to fit for me. I can't see why me seeing myself as a single parent when single and parenting could be anyone's pet peeve!

@TheyCalledherPatience

Interesting opinions on this thread which have certainly had me thinking. I am single and a parent to 2 children who also spend a significant amount of time with their dad. It had honestly never occurred to me not to class/refer to myself as a single parent. As with a previous poster, the term co-parent doesn't quite seem to fit for me. I can't see why me seeing myself as a single parent when single and parenting could be anyone's pet peeve!

I think that it is not so much the mere act of referring to ones self as a single parent as it is the people who present it as a badge of martyrdom.

Absolutely fair enough and I don't think I do, it is just sometimes relevant to a conversation or situation to mention it. However I'm not sure everyone on this thread has shared your view there, a couple of people have seemed to take it quite personally that someone in my situation would refer to themselves that way. It surprised me.