Page 7 | Annoyed when people say they feel like a single mum.

angusthongs · 2022-03-14T09:49:20+00:00

I was chatting to a couple of my friends the other day and something they said really irritated me to the point I need another point of view. I was basically having a little rant about being on my own etc, and my friends who are both married and have kids said they feel like a single parents too. This wound me up for a few reasons; I asked one of them what they had planned for the rest of the day, they said well my husband is home soon so we will just chill together. When I asked how they felt about the increase in energy prices they both laughed and said I leave that to my husband. In the middle of the night when their kids are sick, the other parent is there to help decide what to do, they have someone there to lean on, sometimes just by having another adult at home decreases that feeling of overwhelming feeling of responsibility. It annoyed me as they have literally no idea what it's like being an actual single parent. Am I being unreasonable?

ukborn · 15/03/2022 17:09

Ive had this. Been a widow since my kids were 4 and 6 and a new acquaintance, when she found out , said 'oh I know how you feel my husband works away a lot'.
Lady you have no idea how I feel.

cherryonthecakes · 15/03/2022 17:10

Yanbu

They had a cheek saying that and not been embarrassed by their answers to your follow up questions

Momicrone · 15/03/2022 17:10

But who decides the definitions? One single parent may have absolutely zero help from other parent but may have their own family near by. One parent may have every other weekend off, but have no family near by. You may be co parenting but still solely responsible for paying your own mortgage, you still have elements of being a single parent. There isn't a definitive rule book.

TheOrigRights · 15/03/2022 17:12

Right now I have an hour in my home to do as I please w/o DS about.
It's the only time in the week when I am not working and do not have DS.
He is no trouble, he's just there and I am always, always, always on duty.

I don't even do anything specific - but just knowing no one is going to ask anything of me is glorious and so needed.

I have been known to weep with disappointment if I don't get that hour.
I can't even explain how much I need it - I get plenty of time on my own (when he's at school) and get to do plenty of things for myself (he's 12 so quite able to look after himself for a bit).

coodawoodashooda · 15/03/2022 17:16

Yanbu. I hate this too.

lemongreentea · 15/03/2022 17:43

@Robbierolo

Nobody can understand what it's like to be a single parent, except other single parents.

this!

it seems many women with partners and husbands are jealous of their single friends as they believe its easier or the single parent has half the weekends off to relax and have fun. my question is IF you think you have it worse as a coupled up parents with 2 incomes and 2 sets of hands/emotional support why dont you try it. break up with your partners and try it fo yourself!

JustLyra · 15/03/2022 17:54

@Momicrone

But who decides the definitions? One single parent may have absolutely zero help from other parent but may have their own family near by. One parent may have every other weekend off, but have no family near by. You may be co parenting but still solely responsible for paying your own mortgage, you still have elements of being a single parent. There isn't a definitive rule book.

Someone who is single and has a child is a single parent.

Just as someone who is married to a useless waste of space is still married.

The situation people are in doesn’t change the definitions. It’s why it’s never as simple as “married”, “single”, “co-habiting” etc. They are just words that describe someone’s relationship status. It doesn’t describe their life.

lollipoprainbow · 15/03/2022 20:42

Yes! An acquaintance has just posted on Instagram that it's hard being a 'single parent' looking after her kids while she has Covid. I presume her husband has covid or is away on a business trip for a night. Their life is pretty idyllic, she has it all so what the heck would she know about struggling as a single parent. Really irritates me.

nokidshere · 15/03/2022 20:46

Nobody can understand what it's like to be a single parent, except other single parents.

It's not about understanding though, it's about feelings. No-one can say or dispute another persons feelings however hard that is. For any situation in life we can only imagine what it must feel like to be in other peoples situations or draw comparisons on our own lives that feel similar (ie doing everything alone because dh/partner is away or useless)

It's why people say things like "you can borrow mine for a week" to someone who can't have children, or "I never notice it" to someone who is disabled or disfigured in some way. They are trying to empathise in their own way but they can't actually put themselves in that persons shoes. The main response from the recipient of such comments is immediately defensive with thoughts (or sometimes words) along the lines of "you have no idea what it's like".

It's not meant to be a personal slur and people would be happier if they didn't take it as such. But human nature is what it is I suppose and so it goes on and on.

contentwithahotdrinkandabook · 16/03/2022 00:56

I once heard a social scientist say the correct terms are lone parent for someone doing it without ex's support/help and single parent for those who have an ex partner who is involved but they aren't together.

lborgia · 16/03/2022 01:59

Tbf, even in the “my husband is away and useless most of the time so i feel like a single parent” stakes, they sound ridiculous!!

I have a friend who used to be alone all the time. As in, he used to come home at 11pm, and sleep, and then be back at work by 6am. He was pretty much a walking bank account. Which is not fine. It’s awful. But when she said it was like being a single parent, I couldn’t find it in myself to agree with her.

I think I’m probably co-parenting. We’re both here, but DH is checked out until he decides to check-in, make a statement that is unhelpful, or does something nice with one of the children, and sods off mentally, sometimes physically, again.

We work almost like colleagues, as in we have the odd update meeting, and discuss what might impact on each other in the coming day or so. He then offers to pitch in and then doesn’t. We have no married life whatsoever. But. And it’s all about this, the kids still see him around, he does consistently spend time with them, and, if I went to hospital in an ambulance he’d reassure them, He earns most of the money as I have to be home with both children (SEND stuff).

That is not the same as being a single parent.

In terms of MY life, I’d be happier single. I really know that. But as a “single parent” ? Whole different ball of wax.

Monty27 · 16/03/2022 02:07

@lborgia I had a boss like that. She wanted for nothing living with her highly paid long term live in partner and she was paid twice as much as me.

sweetbellyhigh · 16/03/2022 02:07

@nokidshere

Nobody can understand what it's like to be a single parent, except other single parents.

It's not about understanding though, it's about feelings. No-one can say or dispute another persons feelings however hard that is. For any situation in life we can only imagine what it must feel like to be in other peoples situations or draw comparisons on our own lives that feel similar (ie doing everything alone because dh/partner is away or useless)

It's why people say things like "you can borrow mine for a week" to someone who can't have children, or "I never notice it" to someone who is disabled or disfigured in some way. They are trying to empathise in their own way but they can't actually put themselves in that persons shoes. The main response from the recipient of such comments is immediately defensive with thoughts (or sometimes words) along the lines of "you have no idea what it's like".

It's not meant to be a personal slur and people would be happier if they didn't take it as such. But human nature is what it is I suppose and so it goes on and on.

Totally wrong. They are exactly demonstrating their inability to empathise, their self absorption.

It's all about making it about them with zero respect for people are are actually struggling, and it's deeply unattractive.

Monty27 · 16/03/2022 02:08

And she portrayed herself as a single parent.
Posted too soon

lborgia · 16/03/2022 02:39

@Monty27

Ah, the extra phrase made sense!

The thing is that no one can walk in anyone else’s shoes. I know that said friend is infinitely happier now, divorced, responsible for children as ex is overseas, and has changed career to something less well paid, but she loves it. But there is no denying that everyone has their own set of challenges. She is solely responsible for those children (and their additional needs) 24/7 apart from a long 6 week gap each year.

And that is grinding. But she is infinitely happier than when she had no money worries, a nanny, and an awol/cold husband.

There are so many variables.

Lone parent should be used more often.

cadburyegg · 16/03/2022 03:40

YANBU it's fucking irritating. Even someone who has a partner who works away a lot has another income and someone else to unwind with, or hand the kids to, when they are eventually home. Totally different.

I'm baffled by some of the replies here though. A single parent is just a parent who isn't in a relationship with anyone. That's it. My ex has our kids 3 nights a month, I'm no less a single parent because of it. He can call himself a single dad and it doesn’t bother me at all, that’s what he is. I don’t resent other single parents who share custody of their kids 50/50 or say that they aren’t truly single parents, of course they are. We all have our own struggles.

The title “single parent” doesn’t have to be attached to a load of negative emotions like some posters on here claim. It is what it is. Some single parents have a much easier life than I do, some a much harder one. We shouldn’t be always trying to drag each other down. It’s not a race to the bottom.

My one dear friend, with 1 child and now divorced so single parenting, once told me that she'd had such a bad night that she had to go home for a nap after nursery drop-off. I dropped my eldest off, put the middle child back in the pushchair to come home with me and smiled. I don't think I'd had 3 hours sleep that night.

The fact that your friend was able to have a nap and you weren’t doesn’t make her less of a single parent. You chose to have 3 children presumably, and with that you accept that you probably won’t get as much sleep as those with just 1 child.

RewildingAmbridge · 16/03/2022 06:19

So what about a mother who is no longer with the father, but has a boyfriend, one who has not met the children and has no involvement in parenting or financially. I'd still think they are a single parent, but people here are saying it's only if you're not in a relationship at all.

KimCheese · 16/03/2022 07:35

@RewildingAmbridge

So what about a mother who is no longer with the father, but has a boyfriend, one who has not met the children and has no involvement in parenting or financially. I'd still think they are a single parent, but people here are saying it's only if you're not in a relationship at all.

Yes I was wondering that. My ex has a partner who is getting involved now, but our agreed boundaries are that they're not going to 'parent' the kids for now, they are going to just be around. He's still doing the bulk of his side of the parenting, but that said, he is now having some support to do it.

It's so nuanced that we then just circle back to the and definitions again.