Annoyed when people say they feel like a single mum.

[angusthongs]

I was chatting to a couple of my friends the other day and something they said really irritated me to the point I need another point of view. I was basically having a little rant about being on my own etc, and my friends who are both married and have kids said they feel like a single parents too.

This wound me up for a few reasons; I asked one of them what they had planned for the rest of the day, they said well my husband is home soon so we will just chill together.
When I asked how they felt about the increase in energy prices they both laughed and said I leave that to my husband.
In the middle of the night when their kids are sick, the other parent is there to help decide what to do, they have someone there to lean on, sometimes just by having another adult at home decreases that feeling of overwhelming feeling of responsibility.

It annoyed me as they have literally no idea what it's like being an actual single parent.

Am I being unreasonable?

I've looked after my DC alone during the week for months on end whilst H works away. When he comes back at the weekend he doesn't want to do anything as he's been out the house all week and wants to spend time at home.
I used to get no time to myself, ever. My friend who's a separated co parent had every other weekend off (from Thursday morning to Monday evening) and still had the financial advantages of being in a relationship as he still paid the mortgage of the house she lives in and gives her maintenance. So she wasn't doing everything or living off one wage.

If you're completely on your own then yes you're a single parent but if the other parent is pitching in even when you're not together you're not a single parent. You're a co parent.

Nice thought but no, even if the husband works away from home it's nothing like being a single parent. They may not be there physically but there is still a second income at the very least

I would say that it is if the husband (or indeed wife!) works away for months at a time. It's true about the second income, but you're still having to cope alone for a long time.

See I get this off single parents, telling me they know exactly how I feel and how they feel just the same only I’m a lone parent so no other parent involved at all yet these single mums their kids go to the dads every weekend, or half the time whilst I never get a day without my kids and never get a single break so I feel like I can’t even relate to single parents. As it’s just not the same as doing it fully alone.

Yep as a lone parent when women say they are a single mum when they share custody or are married gives me the rage.

That said I would rather be on my own than be in a shit relationship

Being a single parent must be incredibly hard, and your friends have been insensitive but hopefully not intentionally.

However I will say OP, I have a friend whose partner is awful and useless (literally does zero, no night wakes, no cleaning no childcare etc, sometimes is off work for months on end leaving her to do more shifts). Her mental and physical health is now f*cked and I would say she is essentially a single parent and actually would be better off 100% single!

@Comedycook

The thing is there's so many variables aren't there.

I know a single mum who shares 50/50 custody with her ex. Her life is actually easier than if they were together in many ways. She has way more childfree time now and her ex does way more parenting than he did when they were together and she was doing it all!

She's not a single mum though is she. She's co-parenting.

I did it completely alone too @ahungrycaterpillar, but even married women will always have married friends who live in bigger nicer houses and / or have more helpful husbands, who earn more, and have a car each
There's just always somebody who's better off and I think that all single parents should show each other a bit of solidarity. We're all considered an abberation to the ideal

I think it's normal to feel these hard done by feelings though. I felt them too. When I looked around me and thought, God, I would literally swap with anybody. They all have it easier than I do.

Think about where you'd like to be in about 7 years. What can you do now even with small kids? Do that now, do the rest later. Save as much as you can even if it's only 10 per week. It gets easier. Don't try to keep up with the jones. Work on your sense of yourself. That's a huge investment in to yourself.

I find it very hard as a single parent to relate to other single parents I read a thread on here the other day where a single mum was moaning that she hadn’t had a break for 2 weeks as if it was shocking, I haven’t had a break for 5 years! So I do really think every situation is different so can’t really say who has it harder

There's just always somebody who's better off and I think that all single parents should show each other a bit of solidarity. We're all considered an abberation to the ideal

No I cannot relate to other single parents with involved exes at all. They get regular breaks some even generous maintenance payments it’s very different when your ex might as well be dead.

Then moaning that £400 a month isn’t enough maintenance when I don’t get a penny. Nope just can’t relate to them.

I can see your point in this example actually. I have said that, because my husband has had serious mental health problems and been unemployed for nearly three years. So basically my income, my work my input with the child, who is 3.5 years old now. He just was not mentally available for most of the time, and certainly not with the kid. But in more normal circs, I don´t think YABU.

YANBU OP! Your friends have been insensitive to say the least. I was a single parent, with NO input from DC's father and elderly, frail parents, who lived in another country (and then died when DS was small), for 9 years. No one really knows what it's like unless they've lived it!

@Beseen22

My DH was sent abroad for 9 months and we seen him twice and spoke on Skype about twice a week. That was hard, I was working, studying and full time placement and pregnant and with the toddler every other second and sleeping in the same room. There was no back up when I needed something like when DS got chicken pox. However I would never have had the cheek to say I was like a single mum because whilst he physically wasn't there and not particularly contactable his wage sure came in handy.

Yes, and in a crisis you would be able to reach him and get him home for support.

Even my dc's have more empathy than some parents.
When they were younger they couldn't understand why I wouldn't take them out of school/nursery when I had a day off. Now they realise I did it because that was my only break to just be me. It was particularly hard with one who has austism who would endlessly question that decision like I didn't love them enough and preferred away time.

I was poorly the week before last. My DS is 12 so more than able to make a Pot Noodle look after himself while I languished in bed.

Being unwell when you're on your own really stinks and I was thankful in my years as a lone parent this was the first time I've been properly ill in bed. I was dreading it happening when he was younger.

I had friends offer to get me shopping, but what I really wanted was someone to maybe bring DS a meal over just so he didn't have to fend for himself (he's quite capable as I said, but he's still just a kid).

It hasn't happened to me often - the odd off the cuff remark when someone's husband has been away for a few days. My lack of response is enough for her to know it was insensitive.

@AHungryCaterpillar

There's just always somebody who's better off and I think that all single parents should show each other a bit of solidarity. We're all considered an abberation to the ideal

No I cannot relate to other single parents with involved exes at all. They get regular breaks some even generous maintenance payments it’s very different when your ex might as well be dead.

Yes, it's completely different when you get NO input from your childrens' father at all! Those who get every other w/e to themselves and half school holidays, because DCs go to their dad's are not in the same boat as the single mums who parent alone 365 days a year! Those who get decent maintanence payments from their DCs' fathers can't imagine what it's like to try to manage on State Benefits and the small income fromP/T jobs...if you're lucky!

Op yanbu. But then in "single parents" there's different types.

Someone in a relationship is nowhere near the same as a parent who has their child completely alone. Even if it's just the back up of another wage.

But then all single parents who don't have the other parent in the picture aren't the same. Some single parents have a lot of family involvement. Their kids regularly stay over at grand parents or providing childcare. I know someone whose parents stay mon-thurs and do everything for the kids while she comes and goes as she pleases.

The oldest then goes to her dad's every weekend and she takes the youngest to her parents every weekend. She is only alone late Thursday evening to Friday evening. Her youngest dad isn't in the picture. But she isn't parenting alone.

Sometimes parenting with an ex is extremely difficult. When the ex had 50:50 things were awful. No CMS (didn't get it when 50:50 stopped either) but yay wasn't the issue. Uniform missing, putting f the kids in clothes that don't fit, taking the kids trainers for his step kids because they needed them more, ds constantly late for school, ds hating school because it was stressful when at his dad's, girlfriends kicking off because his dad forgot to pack his school shoes and he needed to drop them off at school. Ds class closed due to covid twice on his dad's days, his dad claimed to be 90 mins away and couldn't pick him up so I had to. I also had no adult to vent to. I missed the kids and worried about them when they weren't here and had no emotional support at the time because my parents believed exh when he told them i left for someone else (I didnt) and we fell out.

Life was actually easier when the kids had enough and refused to see him. But at the time I wouldn't have moaned to a friend who never ever got a break and had no support and make out I had it as bad as them. Its like parents moaning to someone they know is struggling with infertility about how hard parenting is.

And yes, I called myself a single parent even when they saw their dad alot. Because to most people 'oh I am a co-parent' means absolutely nothing. People in a couple co-parent. Nobody I know has ever assumed they don't see their dad because I referred to myself as a single parent. They didn't assume it when it was just me and they didn't assume it when he did see them. They took it as I meant it. I am the only adult in this household.

Basically, I think people should really think about their audience before moaning amd comparing themseleves. And really think about what they are saying.

@Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic

I'm not a single parent but i understand what you are saying, YANBU. Being a single parent with no support financially, emotionally, mentally, physically etc is not the same as being in a relationship. Even if someone's partner is not really supportive they still have some company and someone to help in an emergency. Unless a husband works away from home regularly (in which case i can understand parents feeling quite like a single parent) then being in a couple is not like being a single parent.

Even when the other parent works away for long periods of time it's likely they are still available by phone, email whatever and they presumably make a financial contribution to the household so no it's still not like being a single parent. In fact it's incredibly difficult to articulate how incredibly lonely life can be parenting alone, despite friends or family the sheer enormity of being emotionally and financially responsible to 2 human beings has given me severe anxiety....this is as a person who would have previously considered themselves incredibly resilient especially mentally

Yes, it's completely different when you get NO input from your childrens' father at all! Those who get every other w/e to themselves and half school holidays, because DCs go to their dad's are not in the same boat as the single mums who parent alone 365 days a year! Those who get decent maintanence payments from their DCs' fathers can't imagine what it's like to try to manage on State Benefits and the small income fromP/T jobs...if you're lucky!

Thank you glad it’s not just me, I really struggle hearing “I’m so tired kids dad hasn’t had them for a week” or “kids dad only pays £400 a month” I mean whilst I get being a single parent is hard it’s not the same as being a lone parent so I can’t relate to them at all and some actually have it pretty good, my sister looks forward to her weekends away from her child so she can date and meet up with friends she loves it when he’s at his dad, if ever she has any problems with him she just sends him of to his dad, imagine having nowhere to send your kids if you need a break. Last time I was at her house her and her friends were moaning about how everyone NEEDS a break, knowing I was sat there and I never get one at all. So doesn’t just happen with couples.

I don't think yabu but sometimes it is possible to feel like a single parent while married. My husband works away for months at a time and I realise how hard it is to do everything alone. He is often without a phone signal and the loneliness drives me mad. I think single parents are the strongest people I know to keep doing it all day after day.

yanbu. they are clueless.

i am mum and dad, I take my son to school, i teach him how to tie his tie, I cook and clean, I do the diy, I handle the bills, I sort out the electronics, I carry literally everything like a fucking donkey.

You're in a tough situation right now @AHungryCaterpillar
Can your mum take them over night once a week? Or maybe your sister when she has her own kids anyway? I know how hard those days are. I went a bit crazy at one point.

@Lurking9to5

You're in a tough situation right now *@AHungryCaterpillar* Can your mum take them over night once a week? Or maybe your sister when she has her own kids anyway? I know how hard those days are. I went a bit crazy at one point.

No family don’t help they said I chose to have them which I guess is true 🤷‍♀️ Didn’t choose to have them alone though...

I think YANU. Working away from home (whilst giving financial and emotional support as well as being there to take over in an emergency/if other parent died) is in no way the same as being a single parent either. My own parent had a partner that worked away for a few months a year and consider they know what it's like to be a single parent, they very much do not.

That's tough, I would feel very low in your shoes too right now.
At least my mum blamed my x-partner. She held me responsible too I guess but she wanted to take the kids occasionally.

So you have all of my sympathies. Things are tough for you right now and have been for years by the sound of it.

xx