To email school about DD never being recognised…

[Greyhop]

I’m very happy to be put in my place here! DD is pretty quiet, well behaved at school. She is very good academically - but never gets certificates, is never on school council, has never been to headteachers tea party throughout her time at school/happens termly with about 4 children from her class chosen to go along (some children in her class have been 4 or 5 times). This has been fine up til now.

This year she has started to say “I’m not popular”. I’ve supported her with this - saying she may not be sporty etc, but she does well in English. Everyone has different talents.

The school do reading awards. A new thing this year. DD got to her bronze award, and she was first to do so. Since then she has read avidly, in the hope of getting a mention in assembly as first to get to platinum. 2 weeks ago the school was told someone in year 6 is only a few reads away. It was her. She has followed the rules, written reams in her reading diary - worked it all out that she could get to platinum first. I was reluctant to go with this, but I could see how keen she was - and that she was set to get it.

Yesterday, 4 other children got the award before her - in a different year group - and the only way they could have got it was by their teacher allowing them extra reads to beat her.

She is absolutely devastated!!!

I’m too emotionally invested in this aren’t I? I shouldn’t have encouraged her. But I’ve never seen her sob her heart out like this!

I’ve told her we’ll do our own award/tea party at home. She’s now happy. AIBU to vent in an email to the school????

Sounds hard for your DD. I think you can talk to her teacher about the way she feels and she what they suggest. I wouldn't suggest foul play with the reading award etc. But instead say how your DD is feeling?

Yanbu

It's important that children feel they are treated fairly and it's even more important that they don't disconnect from those things which encourage them and give them confidence.

I actually think it's really important you speak to the school about this.

No, don’t get involved with school. They have to learn life’s unfair sometimes, and it’s her own achievements that really matter, not always recognition.

If the other children did in fact ‘cheat’ then they didn’t truely win!

Majority of teachers keep a little list of pupils who get awards that way the same children don’t keep getting them. They try to spread them out whilst making it look like it’s not forced. I’ve previously given awards to children for social and emotional reasons as well as academical reasons because as you say there will be a mix of talent and achievement in the class.
I understand your dd is upset and it’s rotten that she was hoping it was her going to get the award. Are you sure the teacher allowed them extra reads? They are in a different year group so you have no real proof of how they achieved the award. How does she know she would have made it to that level first?
She wants to be recognised for her achievements which is nice and it’s good that you are going to do that at home.
It is entirely up to you if you want to email the school but remember then the next award she’s been given will be because you emailed them to ask about it.
If you have parents night or report cards coming up you could always ask how the children are praised and awarded for their achievement.

I’m a teacher - I really sympathise with your DD. At the start of each school year I have a class list and make sure every child gets the Star of the Week 🤮 certificate - I tend to give those ‘invisible’ children the award first. I also have a ‘jobs’ list and every child has some sort of job. As for reading awards, I hate them. I encourage all children to read for readings sake, not to get a prize. If you’re the child whose parents don’t give a damn, you’re never going to get it!
In the same vein, I loathe attendance awards. It’s hardly little Johnny’s fault if his dad can’t get him to school on time every day is it?
Please email the Head - some Heads need a reminder how their choices can adversely affect some children.

@Littlemissprosecco

No, don’t get involved with school. They have to learn life’s unfair sometimes, and it’s her own achievements that really matter, not always recognition.

A bit harsh here - we’re talking about a child, not an adult who can comprehend unfairness.

@Susu49

Yanbu

It's important that children feel they are treated fairly and it's even more important that they don't disconnect from those things which encourage them and give them confidence.

I actually think it's really important you speak to the school about this.

Agree. It's a real shame when kids are put off something worthwhile that they've invested in because a school decision hasn't been well thought through.

Yanbu. Sound like she is overlooked a lot. Sometimes I think schools seem to give awards to the badly behaved or struggling kids and a child like yours who coasts along doing pretty well and never causing trouble gets over looked. I think I'd have to say something

Absolutely speak to the school. Your dd will end up thinking what’s the point and not bother anymore if she keeps being overlooked. They should know the impact it’s having on her. Focus more on her feelings than on the possibility of other children cheating. Ask them how they can work with you to boost your dds confidence in herself- what they can put in place in school etc so they have to actually actively consider what to do instead of just nodding and fobbing you off with ‘we’ll keep an eye on her’ or similar.

I am a school governor and feel very uneasy about the use of these sort of awards at the school. I know that most teachers try to find some sort of award for all the children. But this reading award seems harsh to me - so many children will never be in the running for it for no fault of their own; and those, like your DD, who could be in the running but don't get it feel side-lined and forgotten.

I would pop a message to the head. Just say she has worked her tripe out for this and it means a lot to her and could she have that in mind. If they do not know the pain that is being caused they cannot take that into account.

I have a GD who frankly should be child of the week every week - she is one of those swotty little girls who is ahead of everyone. She is unmoved by it all - mainly I guess because she has had it many times and it washes over her. But it is clear that there is an element of "fixing" and jolly good thing too.

I am sorry that your DD has been upset by this - gosh it is hard when our children are in pain and we cannot do anything about it!

YANBU, I don't think 'life can be unfair' is the lesson, its actually 'the system is rigged so you can never succeed.'' Which is not something I'd want my kids to learn.
Most kids have an innate sense of fairness and justice, and if schools use reward systems they need to be fair. Otherwise some kids will just give up trying.

@Littlemissprosecco

No, don’t get involved with school. They have to learn life’s unfair sometimes, and it’s her own achievements that really matter, not always recognition.

I'm not sure I agree with this, recognition is important in life as that's what gets you things like promotions and pay rises.

Meek, quiet types get overlooked. Learning to put yourself forward, make your case, ask for/demand what you're entitled to is an important lesson. Especially for girls.

My dd is a primary school teacher and she is very conscious of making sure that all of her class are recognised for something in the course of the year. She actively looks for reasons to give recognition to the children who struggle (for whatever reason).

I think you should definitely try to speak to your dd's teacher and explain how something like this will potentially demotivate your dd from even trying in future.
Your poor dd

Do you have parents evening coming up? I’d mention it, it’s awful worrying about being ‘that’ parent but if it may help her at all, it will be worth it for both of you. She sounds lovely OP, I’m sure her time will come.

I complained last term. My child in their first term at secondary school was diagnosed with Crohn's and hospitalised twice, liquid diet for 8 weeks, NG tube, the lot. The school gave chocolate Santa's to the kids with 100 percent attendance or those whose only non attendance was covid related. My child was devastated. We would all rather they didn't have a lifelong incurable undignified disease but to be punished by school because of it! I got no acknowledgement from the attendance team. I fully intend to bring it up again on parents' evening.

Sometimes schools don't seem to think of the unintended consequences of these awards.

Yes I would email the school. Try to keep it unemotional. You are her mum and if you don’t stick up for her who will. I really sympathise with you, my kids are older teens now but so remember how angry I used to get about stuff like this. Your DD sounds great.

I think the school need to know she's been working hard in hope of winning a certificate. Calmly ask what the criteria is, say she's quiet and just trying to shine. You are right, often classic extrovert traits are rewarded, usually by schools who have a management team made up of these personality types!! May others are sensitive to these things and would be mortified they missed her.

I would email the school setting out what you have said here and saying that being overlooked year after after year is demoralising your child and has affected both her confidence and her trust in the school. Request a meeting to discuss how the school can rebuild DD’s confidence in the school.

Hmmm...yes and no. You can't prove what happened with the reading award, so I personally wouldn't bring that up.

Unless the tea party is a reward for something specific (e.g. coming first in a class-wide activity), then not getting to go to the Headteacher's tea party when others in the class have been four or five times is something I would talk to the school about.

In terms of popularity, well, your daughter may or not be right. Whether we like it or not, there is always at least one kid that is less popular than others - including with teachers, some of whom will treat that child poorly. All you can do is continue to use positive reinforcement to try and build up her self esteem, and perhaps look for avenues outside of school where she can enjoy herself, meet new people and have the chance to advance, if competing is something she enjoys. Sport, reading clubs, raising money for charity by reading, essay competitions etc.

Your dd is suffering from the quiet child syndrome.
Children who are doing well and are quite, not creating any issues are forgotten in all those awards in favour of children they want to boost.

My dcs learnt pretty quickly (Y2, Y3 at the latest) that those awards were meaningless and did not reflect their own achievements.

It’s crap. I get where schools are coming from but when they forget children in that way or skew the results, it hurts other children

So YANBU. I’d mention it to the teacher. All the efforts she put in, her hopes and how she was devastated to see someone else been given that award after all the efforts she had put into it.
I’d also mention the fact she doesn’t get awards and she felt it was the only way she would manage to have one. I found that teachers often don’t even realise that some children get nothing year jn year ou and are surprised when they actually mind

At the start of each school year I have a class list and make sure every child gets the Star of the Week 🤮 certificate

I've read about these star of the week things on MN but never heard of them in real life. Is this how they work? They're just on a rota so everyone gets one? So the student's not the star. A star just gets passed round the class in turn. And does it work? Does it have a positive effect on the children? Or is it just an initiative that is now a custom rather than having any benefit? Is it school mandated that you have to do it? Do all schools have to do it?
It sounds interesting as a social study!

Maybe I worded it badly!
I was that meek and mild child that never got recognised, I was always praised at home( which is what the op has done). I quietly realised that I could achieve as much ( if not more) as those that are officially recognised. Unfortunately, even with all teachers trying to ensure fairness, life’s often not.
And as parents we have to teach our children to cope with life’s ups and downs.

I would definitely say something to either the teacher or the head. And what is this tea party thing? That should include every child at some point I would think.

I wouldn't email the school, especially as DD is already in Y6 so presumably aged 10/11 - I think this is a good opportunity to teach resilience. Point out that school awards don't actually mean anything. If DD is really a high performer academically, start looking for ways that she can achieve/win things outside of her current school. If English is her thing, you might find a competition here that she'd like to enter:
schoolreadinglist.co.uk/competitions-for-children/childrens-writing-competitions/

By the way, I would understand "I'm not popular" as referring to how she gets on with her peers - does she have nice friends?