Page 4 | To email school about DD never being recognised…

implantreplace · 12/03/2022 13:54

Concern

Snowbell99 · 12/03/2022 13:55

The only thing I don't understand is the tea thing. Are the kids invited for achievements or picked randomly? If only the same kids get to go I would ask about this.

As for the award, I feel sad for your daughter but if the other kids read more the deserve it.

And I agree with what Febrier said, build up her self esteem, listen to her ("I am unpopular" sounds more like she is upset about not having (many) friends to me).

implantreplace · 12/03/2022 13:57

Yesterday, 4 other children got the award before her - in a different year group - and the only way they could have got it was by their teacher allowing them extra reads to beat her.

They took the initiative in all likelihood and asked to read an extra one

Weatherwithme · 12/03/2022 13:58

Yep I had 2 quiet DC and they both hated the reward systems. One had so few points he got told off by his teacher for not having enough in front of the whole class! he hated it every time they were told to show their point cards. He was top of the class, never in trouble, kind and friendly. What else was he supposed to do? I would say something like DD has being trying really hard to earn rewards and is disappointed she has never been chosen, what more should she be doing? I wouldnt call them out on others getting the rewards. It will be because they forgot about her and her behaviour doesnt need improving. They will probably be mortified they forgot about her.

brainhurts · 12/03/2022 13:59

@FairyCakeWings
Yes I agree they could be reading shorter books hence me saying she needs to ask what the criteria was .

Dentistlakes · 12/03/2022 14:05

Whilst I appreciate it’s incredibly difficult to get these things right 100% of the time, I do think schools need to know when they get things wrong. I have in the past raised an objection to something which was incredibly badly and unfairly done, resulting in my child being extremely upset and let down having worked diligently in his case for years towards it. The child who the position was given to proved to be completely useless and clearly didn’t give a damn about being given the privilege. Very embarrassing for all concerned.

In the end my child took a different route to make his contribution and ended up bringing a massive advantage to the school both in reputation and resources.

My advice to you op is to allow your daughter to be upset. Make your objection to the school in a clear and unemotional way and ensure they understand how hard and diligently your child worked towards it AND how she did it within the rules. Then you encourage her to achieve and make her contribution in another way. If an appropriate opportunity isn’t already there then she can make her own. What does she enjoy? Can she start her own initiative in school, involve other pupils, lead her own project? Do it on her own terms.

Gemma2003 · 12/03/2022 14:05

Definitely say something. Some kids just get overlooked. My daughter has never got anything her entire schooling. My son won awards every year. The teacher at least needs to hear the effect it is having on her.

BronwenFrideswide · 12/03/2022 14:05

I don't know how long before the awards were given the kids were that many reads behind the daughter but it seems sort of odd that a teacher would let them cheat? So I find it unlikely.

It says in the opening post - two weeks. The OP has also clarified that her daughter's nearest competitor was 50 reads behind her, the OP's daughter had 10 left to do. You think it is odd and unlikely that a teacher would let them cheat but there is a discrepancy here that needs explaining.

if the school has some established gold, silver, bronze medal sort of thing then some will miss out.

No-one is doubting that, the doubt is about whether this award has been achieved fairly and it smells to me like it hasn't.

cherryonthecakes · 12/03/2022 14:05

Yanbu to be angry but don't write to the school- especially if you have younger kids there.

This is exactly the sort of experience that quiet types have at school ime. It's much better at secondary when there's less of this sort of thing.

user1506328491 · 12/03/2022 14:06

Given how upset she was I think speaking to teacher at parents evening is fair: it's important she knows you have her back. That said, I would try and get her to keep certificates etc in perspective - let her know the truth that they are often used to motivate kids who struggle

Snowbell99 · 12/03/2022 14:06

@Weatherwithme

Yep I had 2 quiet DC and they both hated the reward systems. One had so few points he got told off by his teacher for not having enough in front of the whole class! he hated it every time they were told to show their point cards. He was top of the class, never in trouble, kind and friendly. What else was he supposed to do? I would say something like DD has being trying really hard to earn rewards and is disappointed she has never been chosen, what more should she be doing? I wouldnt call them out on others getting the rewards. It will be because they forgot about her and her behaviour doesnt need improving. They will probably be mortified they forgot about her.

But she was chosen. She won one reading award before and she also got this second one (just later than the kids who read more books). If I understood it correctly. And she was also praised.

I just don't understand the tea party thing. This seems odd to me.

Christmas1988 · 12/03/2022 14:06

It’s positive punishment, my son is the same as your daughter, it’s ridiculous! The way they give out Dojo’s and awards to children who haven’t thrown chairs that week or whatever get awards and paise and the good quiet children get sod all.

poetryandwine · 12/03/2022 14:07

I love @MrsTSwift’s reply and the replies from all PPs concerned about the quiet overlooked children.

The PPs saying that children need to learn that life is unfair are (up to a point) wrong: to function well children need to know that their efforts matter. That is how they develop a sense of agency. Carol Dweck at Stanford is a leading expert on this. In HE we see the outcomes of childhood practices every day

The Head Teacher sounds appalling. I sympathise with your DD over the reading contest but I don’t like the idea of it at all. The tea parties are much worse. On the theory that the guest lists are probably composed by a PA I would be seeking a meeting with the class teacher to ask about this, very pleasantly. Your DD is likely not the only child affected.

If the answer was not satisfactory I would escalate concerns to an external member (definitely a non-parent) of the B o G and possibly beyond. It is trivial to adults but the idea that this kind of popularity contest should be perpetrated by the HT is simply wrong

Xerac · 12/03/2022 14:09

I would say something . I think I would enquire as to the process they use to pick their award winners.
I can see a lot of posters are saying that other children must have deserved it more , but I question that. I think other children may be better at self - promoting than others.
I think it's important , because if a child is being ignored and looked over for awards there is a good chance they may be being overlooked in general.

BronwenFrideswide · 12/03/2022 14:09

I just don't understand the tea party thing. This seems odd to me.

That absolutely screams favouritism and I am struggling to see how anyone can defend it, including the teachers at the school.

Theunamedcat · 12/03/2022 14:11

The fastest way to demotivate a child is to not recognise them my ds had years of this his bully was recognised for "not beating anyone up all afternoon" "keeping kind hands in assembly" etc etc they fell over themselves to reward the little shit e en his punishment was to sit in another classroom on YouTube none of his victims were ever given recognition ds used to be an avid reader but years of being pitted against and losing out to a child who just had to stop hitting for a morning or an afternoon to get a certificate or sweets or praise meant he quit

FairyCakeWings · 12/03/2022 14:12

@BronwenFrideswide

I don't know how long before the awards were given the kids were that many reads behind the daughter but it seems sort of odd that a teacher would let them cheat? So I find it unlikely.

It says in the opening post - two weeks. The OP has also clarified that her daughter's nearest competitor was 50 reads behind her, the OP's daughter had 10 left to do. You think it is odd and unlikely that a teacher would let them cheat but there is a discrepancy here that needs explaining.

if the school has some established gold, silver, bronze medal sort of thing then some will miss out.

No-one is doubting that, the doubt is about whether this award has been achieved fairly and it smells to me like it hasn't.

It can easily be explained by the fact that the OP said the other children were in different year groups. As her dd is in year six, the other children could be in Y1 for all we know, where books are shorter.

OP still hasn’t answered whether her dd still got the platinum award, despite not getting it first. She could have been given the same award at the same time as all the other children, in which case there really isn’t a problem.

converseandjeans · 12/03/2022 14:12

YANBU

I teach and there are some children who don't necessarily get recognised. Naughty ones often get more house points to try to keep them motivated & I do think quieter ones go under the radar.

I think you should just say she's keen to get awards & how motivated she was by the reading challenge. I don't think you need to mention the other kids as you don't know for sure what happened with their points. They may have genuinely got the award at right time.

Snowbell99 · 12/03/2022 14:15

@BronwenFrideswide

I don't know how long before the awards were given the kids were that many reads behind the daughter but it seems sort of odd that a teacher would let them cheat? So I find it unlikely.

It says in the opening post - two weeks. The OP has also clarified that her daughter's nearest competitor was 50 reads behind her, the OP's daughter had 10 left to do. You think it is odd and unlikely that a teacher would let them cheat but there is a discrepancy here that needs explaining.

if the school has some established gold, silver, bronze medal sort of thing then some will miss out.

No-one is doubting that, the doubt is about whether this award has been achieved fairly and it smells to me like it hasn't.

Possibly, but then she needs to ask how the system works and if it is really about the number of books. If it seems unlikely she should definitely ask about it.

Wouldn't it also have something to do with the pages or words read and not just the number of books? Counting the number of books seems weird because some are 600 pages long and some 80. Books for kids could be as short as 25 pages or much longer (200 and more).

Maybe they were 50 reads behind but had read thicker books and in the end the words/pages were counted? Maybe they had different requirements to win the award because they were younger?

Her daughter got the award so she wasn't overlooked. The other kids just got it first.

LaChanticleer · 12/03/2022 14:17

Awwww, your poor DD.

I was that girl and although I did get some prizes, I was also pretty relentlessly bullied for liking reading etc etc. It was in the days when, if you were biullied,people tended to assume you'd done something to 'provoke' people.

My parents never really did anything about it, and I guess that's made me stubbornly independent since - because I can't trust anybody else to advocate for me, as my parents didn't.

So I hope you do find a way to speak to the school about this. Your DD needs to know you are her advocate.

Maybe not via email - is there an opportunity for in-person discussion? Saying something like, DD works really hard, is exemplary, but is never recognised for this in the way that other children are. She feels overlooked and undervalued.

mummykel16 · 12/03/2022 14:17

@Greyhop

I’m very happy to be put in my place here! DD is pretty quiet, well behaved at school. She is very good academically - but never gets certificates, is never on school council, has never been to headteachers tea party throughout her time at school/happens termly with about 4 children from her class chosen to go along (some children in her class have been 4 or 5 times). This has been fine up til now.

This year she has started to say “I’m not popular”. I’ve supported her with this - saying she may not be sporty etc, but she does well in English. Everyone has different talents.

The school do reading awards. A new thing this year. DD got to her bronze award, and she was first to do so. Since then she has read avidly, in the hope of getting a mention in assembly as first to get to platinum. 2 weeks ago the school was told someone in year 6 is only a few reads away. It was her. She has followed the rules, written reams in her reading diary - worked it all out that she could get to platinum first. I was reluctant to go with this, but I could see how keen she was - and that she was set to get it.

Yesterday, 4 other children got the award before her - in a different year group - and the only way they could have got it was by their teacher allowing them extra reads to beat her.

She is absolutely devastated!!!

I’m too emotionally invested in this aren’t I? I shouldn’t have encouraged her. But I’ve never seen her sob her heart out like this!

I’ve told her we’ll do our own award/tea party at home. She’s now happy. AIBU to vent in an email to the school????

Schools and the staff have their favourites and I don't think you can change that, it's a shame but it's life.

Ownedbymycats · 12/03/2022 14:18

Take it up with the school and speak with your daughter about her confidence levels. This isn't going to improve unless she's assisted to speak up for herself.
In saying that I think it's awful that she's been disregarded in this way but these things carry through to university and work life and she needs to learn to stand up for herself.Good children don't always get rewarded unfortunately.

Catkitkat · 12/03/2022 14:18

This was us with DD, she was basically given her first award at the leavers ceremony…

Currently my son is the only one who has not been given a certain type of weekly award, some children in his class age in their fourth one.

Both have lots going on outside of school so can get validation in their chosen sports so perhaps that helps a little. I’ve never brought these things up with the school which is probably not a good thing. The squeaky wheel gets the grease… all my friend keep telling me to make a fuss because everyone else does, but it doesn’t come naturally to me

poetryandwine · 12/03/2022 14:19

It just occurred to me that possibly classroom teachers are putting names forward for the tea parties. This only makes sense if the repeat attendees are known teachers’ pets. In that case I might go directly to the HT, who may be innocently expecting better of their staff.

With attention to inclusiveness and if each child could be assured of an invite during the year (or over a longer time frame, before repeats) the parties could be a good idea. But the inclusiveness should be announced ahead of time

Snowbell99 · 12/03/2022 14:19

@BronwenFrideswide

I just don't understand the tea party thing. This seems odd to me.

That absolutely screams favouritism and I am struggling to see how anyone can defend it, including the teachers at the school.

Yes I find it odd as well that is why I would ask about it.

Is this a common thing in Britain?

My teacher did this too and it was definitely favouritism as she always picked the same group.

But I went to school abroad so maybe there is a system behind it in Britain such as it is a reward for something you do?