To email school about DD never being recognised…

[Greyhop]

I’m very happy to be put in my place here! DD is pretty quiet, well behaved at school. She is very good academically - but never gets certificates, is never on school council, has never been to headteachers tea party throughout her time at school/happens termly with about 4 children from her class chosen to go along (some children in her class have been 4 or 5 times). This has been fine up til now.

This year she has started to say “I’m not popular”. I’ve supported her with this - saying she may not be sporty etc, but she does well in English. Everyone has different talents.

The school do reading awards. A new thing this year. DD got to her bronze award, and she was first to do so. Since then she has read avidly, in the hope of getting a mention in assembly as first to get to platinum. 2 weeks ago the school was told someone in year 6 is only a few reads away. It was her. She has followed the rules, written reams in her reading diary - worked it all out that she could get to platinum first. I was reluctant to go with this, but I could see how keen she was - and that she was set to get it.

Yesterday, 4 other children got the award before her - in a different year group - and the only way they could have got it was by their teacher allowing them extra reads to beat her.

She is absolutely devastated!!!

I’m too emotionally invested in this aren’t I? I shouldn’t have encouraged her. But I’ve never seen her sob her heart out like this!

I’ve told her we’ll do our own award/tea party at home. She’s now happy. AIBU to vent in an email to the school????

I have a GD who frankly should be child of the week every week - she is one of those swotty little girls who is ahead of everyone

Well that's not the point of child of the week though is it? What a stupid comment

OP it sounds like your DD is a "magnolia child", one who just blends in to the background. I feel for her trying to make herself noticed and still it's not gone her way. I'd definitely mention it at parents evening. Has she really got to year 6 with no awards at all? Poor thing must feel so defeated by it all.

I would definitely mention it. Our school does Praise awards and for the first 3 years my DD never got one despite being an enthusiastic learner, very academic, always trying hard etc where some other kids - including really naughty ones - got them more than once. When I mentioned it to the teacher and that DD was really upset and demotivated by it they were really shocked as they just assumed she would have had one already. The teacher even said to me "she's not the kind of child I need to motivate to I hadn't thought about it."

I would bring it up at parents evening , ask what the criteria was , say your DD was only 10 reads away and you are puzzled how someone read 50 before she read 10. My money is on they are the children who get stickers galore for the two seconds a day they are good while the good ones get nothing.

I have a GD who frankly should be child of the week every week - she is one of those swotty little girls who is ahead of everyone

Yea this really isn’t the point. Some kids are as you describe super swotty but will never be ahead of everyone! It should be for all things, like being creative, working with others nicely, being resilient, being kind, showing the school values, learning a bee skill etc

@JazzyBBG

I would definitely mention it. Our school does Praise awards and for the first 3 years my DD never got one despite being an enthusiastic learner, very academic, always trying hard etc where some other kids - including really naughty ones - got them more than once. When I mentioned it to the teacher and that DD was really upset and demotivated by it they were really shocked as they just assumed she would have had one already. The teacher even said to me "she's not the kind of child I need to motivate to I hadn't thought about it."

That teacher needs to buck their bloody ideas up.

DSs class never get posted on the Twitter page, always other classes. Its funny coming out of the mouth of an 8 yo, 'we weren't on Twitter!'

I would email the class teacher to explain how your DD feels and that she is a bit low at the lack of recognition her hard work gets, not about favouritism.

What an amazing achievement your daughter had made and what determination. That's an award in itself.

If you email the teacher - email along the lines of how proud you are and what you've daughter has acheived.

A girl in my son's school got the highest achievement award for 100% attendence throughout the school. However, there were far more suitable children for this award and it should not have been on attendacne. I wish I wrote my feelings to the head. As some children through illness, caring for others, family trauma etc can't make the attendence and I still believe those are the children that should be award, encouraged and praised.

@Soontobe60 my dc is at a private school that insists on them doing tests for every single boom they read. They're age 8. How that encourages reading I'll never know.
I wish there were more teachers like you!

I’ve told her we’ll do our own award/tea party at home. She’s now happy.

If that placated her... what about starting a family reading club, so as soon as the whole family reaches X reads, you get to have a little treat? And when you reach Y reads, you get another one? Could be something cheap like a family movie night etc.

Secondary teacher here. All I can say to reassure you is that when she gets to secondary…

They put themselves forward for student council so everyone has the same opportunity to be elected.
We do have headteacher awards but sometimes the same students get more than one because they deserve them, rather than working through a list to make sure everyone gets something in the end.
However, when considering who to nominate for awards we are actively reminded to consider the kids who are quietly getting everything right every day, rather than the naughty one who behaved well for a few days.
There are regular rewards (end of term cinema, badges) to celebrate the ones who have been getting things right every day, doing their homework, not getting behaviour points etc.
If she’s in to reading most schools do book award reading schemes such as Carnegie, that have an element of competition.
There are lots of clubs and house competitions and they’re not all sporty.

I guess what I’m trying to say is it’s a shame she feels invisible and hard done by now (although accusing the other kids/their teacher of cheating is harsh and I’m not convinced speaking to the school is a great idea) she may find things change in about five months time.

Does she do anything outside of school where she can get that sense of achievement/recognition? Music or Guides or something?

I have this with my ds1 he flys under the radar because he gets on well in all areas and is well behaved. He never gets any recognition for being consistently good but there are people in his class who are consistently in trouble then are rewarded for 1 good day. It's very very frustrating and I've spoke to the school, the did acknowledge that they do tend to let him get on with it because he won't complain.

He started an after school club where they are rewarded on consostant good performance and behaviour and it has been amazing for him finally seeing some reward for his efforts.

I was the same as a kid and as a teenager I decided I wouldn't bother my arse trying anymore obviously this bit me in the arse but at the time I just felt like whats the point in being good when I can slack off and get rewards for any effort.

Take a leaf out of my very posh friends book her son in a similar position she said to him loudly as she swept through the playground “we don’t need external validation in our family darling”

@BronwenFrideswide

I think you absolutely should bring it up, OP, all of it. I detest this favouritism/teacher's pet/popular and noticeable child that these type of awards invariably descend into.

When I was at school we all knew which pupil was going to get the starring role in the play even though they were crap at it, knew who was going to get the Gold Stars, etc. Doing this only serves to de-motivate other pupils and they stop trying or lose interest. As Auden so succinctly put it They gave the prizes to the ruined boys.

It also seems very suspect that the all of a sudden pupils who were 50 reads behind your daughter miraculously achieved the prize.

If the Prizes cannot be awarded objectively and fairly they should not be awarded at all.

I agree but I think we need to figure out if it is really the same thing.

There are different kinds of awards.

If it is a "Star of the Week" (never had this) then of course it should be ensured that every child gets their turn. Anything else would be cruel and favouritism.

But it's way more complicated with other types of awards. If a child doesn't read any books at all it is sort of difficult to give him a reading award. If there are gold, silver, bronze for a reading award and one child read a lot but three children read more then the three other kids will win it. I personally just would give everyone who participated some kind of reward but if the school has some established gold, silver, bronze medal sort of thing then some will miss out.

I don't know how long before the awards were given the kids were that many reads behind the daughter but it seems sort of odd that a teacher would let them cheat? So I find it unlikely.

And we are forgetting the fact that she was praised by her teacher and that she got an award before. So she is being recognised in a way.

Unfortunately there always seems to be a core of children who seem to get picked/win stuff. It happened 30 years ago when my two were at primary school, and having worked side by side with school for 20 years it continues to happen.
At secondary school my daughter was well behaved, academic, conscientious but not sporty. She wasn't awarded anything her entire time there. Got to 6th form and head of 6th form actually asked her if she was new to the school as he'd never come across her in the previous 5 years! I'm not saying children need to be rewarded for simply working hard, handing their homework in, wearing correct school uniform, being polite but actually it would be nice to recognise those that just bob along under the radar.

@brainhurts

I would bring it up at parents evening , ask what the criteria was , say your DD was only 10 reads away and you are puzzled how someone read 50 before she read 10. My money is on they are the children who get stickers galore for the two seconds a day they are good while the good ones get nothing.

It could be that they’re younger children reading smaller books compared to OPs dd in Y6.

It could be that the other year group teacher has told her class that they will consider a poem or a chapter or a short story as a ‘read’ to encourage them.

@Greyhop

Some of your posts here, really make me question the whole awards/certificates/prize system. It can crush people!! And it’s just extrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation is far more important.

I couldn’t agree more. Extrinsic motivation as a way to get children to do things can be so damaging to their self worth.

I like star of the week. Our teachers tend to give them for manners, kindness, helping others, being a good friend, following class rules- never for academic achievement.
As for reading they use AR and each person gets awards when read so many words. Struggling readers also use a computer based programme that they get awards for. School tries very much focusing on the best you can be, not comparing yourself to others. Our school doesn't have assemblies

Mention it. Teacher and parent here. I always try to identify the quiet, conscientious pupils in class as they are rarely recognised by ‘the school’, despite numerous staff lobbying for this.

I was your daughter at primary school and in your position I would 100% say something. I worked really really hard at school and achieved excellent results, I was usually either 1st or 2nd high scorer on tests but was definitely not a show off. I was quite shy and super well behaved. In my whole time at primary I got sent to the head of year once and I cried all night at home because it wasn't even my fault!

Anyway, by the end of year 6 I'd had enough of working and trying so hard all the time and never getting any recognition so going into high school I thought "fuck it!!" I chose not to try at all and instead just had fun. Which involved messing around with mates, skipping school, being cheeky to teachers, smoking, not trying in lessons etc. I was a bit of a nightmare to be honest but because I was naturally quite intelligent I still passed all my exams, I got B's and C's which was amazing considering I'd spent most of the 5 years at the park, in the woods or down the beach! I was lucky, lots wouldn't have been.

Don’t children go to school anymore, just to learn things? Sounds like it’s just a - me me me & Why why why. glad I’m out of it all,

Could always make her a certificate!

The awards are working in that they are making the kids strive to achieve, if other kids beat her well that's just how it goes unfortunately. She's 10/11 I'd expect my 4 and 5 year old to have the reaction you describe not someone about to go to high-school. If you contact school she'll get an award not on merit, if that's what you want to satisfy her go for it.

This year she has started to say “I’m not popular”. I’ve supported her with this - saying she may not be sporty etc, but she does well in English. Everyone has different talents.

I would try listening to her a bit more. You are offering her reassurance and common sense, but I don't think you're hitting the mark. Be curious, ask her to say a bit more, ask her how that feels. At the moment it's a bit like that situation where someone wants to offload but the listener just offers lots of solutions.
I agree with others who have pointed out that she seems highly extrinsically motivated. You'll be doing her a favour building up her self esteem instead.

@Susu49

Yanbu

It's important that children feel they are treated fairly and it's even more important that they don't disconnect from those things which encourage them and give them confidence.

I actually think it's really important you speak to the school about this.

I completely agree with this.

* She is absolutely devastated!!!*

This would convene me more than anything else