To email school about DD never being recognised…

[Greyhop]

I’m very happy to be put in my place here! DD is pretty quiet, well behaved at school. She is very good academically - but never gets certificates, is never on school council, has never been to headteachers tea party throughout her time at school/happens termly with about 4 children from her class chosen to go along (some children in her class have been 4 or 5 times). This has been fine up til now.

This year she has started to say “I’m not popular”. I’ve supported her with this - saying she may not be sporty etc, but she does well in English. Everyone has different talents.

The school do reading awards. A new thing this year. DD got to her bronze award, and she was first to do so. Since then she has read avidly, in the hope of getting a mention in assembly as first to get to platinum. 2 weeks ago the school was told someone in year 6 is only a few reads away. It was her. She has followed the rules, written reams in her reading diary - worked it all out that she could get to platinum first. I was reluctant to go with this, but I could see how keen she was - and that she was set to get it.

Yesterday, 4 other children got the award before her - in a different year group - and the only way they could have got it was by their teacher allowing them extra reads to beat her.

She is absolutely devastated!!!

I’m too emotionally invested in this aren’t I? I shouldn’t have encouraged her. But I’ve never seen her sob her heart out like this!

I’ve told her we’ll do our own award/tea party at home. She’s now happy. AIBU to vent in an email to the school????

I had to intervene when it was clear my son was never star of the week. His teacher insisted that they went actually through the class list so this never happened….until I pointed out that a third of the class had now earned a star twice and mine hadn’t had it once.
Yep for some reason he’d been missed off the list they used.

@JaninaDuszejko

Our primary school does a real mix of rewards and I think it works. Kids are recognised for genuine achievements (big fuss made when the sports teams do well), but there's also Star of the Week which does indeed go to everyone in the class over the year (yes the most on the ball kids realise that quite early on but those kids can be told 'everyone needs rewarding for their own achievements even if they aren't as impressive as yours'), the Dinnerladies Award which is chosen by the dinnerladies and given to children who are very polite in the dinner hall, the Head Teacher's Award which is a termly award for working hard. I'm shocked that there are still primary schools that don't recognise that everyone feels good about themselves when they receive some external recognition.

The teacher even said to me "she's not the kind of child I need to motivate to I hadn't thought about it."

Ask them how they would feel if their boss never acknowledged when they did something well. What a daft thing to say.

Her daughter received two awards. It's not like she never received anything.

How many awards could a student get at your school or how many does the average student get?

At many schools two awards wouldn't equal overlooked. It was the normal number to get, approximately. One or two.

@monotype

I don't know if teachers actually like the nice children. All the awards are given to the shits who make their life a misery. As soon as they take a one-day break from being a shit the teacher gives them an award.

Absolutely this.

I worked in a school for many years and saw this all the time. My own two children also used to ask me why they never seemed to get awards. In the end, I told them it was actually a badge of honour not to get one as I saw first hand teachers ensuring that the kid that usually never made an effort but suddenly produced a piece of homework got one or the fact that the school thug managed to get through a week without hitting anyone, got a certificate.

The class teacher I worked with, had a note in the back of his mark book to ensure every child in his class got an award at some point during the school year - which whilst being fair, was also rather pointless too. The pair of us sometimes really struggled to think of a reason to give certain individuals recognition but he felt it necessary to ‘tick the box’

If you look at academic awards at the end of the academic year in primary - there is a higher proportion awarded to children whose birthday's are in the earlier part of the year. The data overwhelmingly shows that those children have an advantage - this is true for physical activities as well. Gradually that advantage wears off - but studies show for some the impact on their self worth remains so September/oct and nov born children are more confident. Of course there are other factors as well - I am not saying this is the only factor but one would think that schools would spread awards and regonition around - some teacher/schools really don't seem to care

@monotype

I don't know if teachers actually like the nice children. All the awards are given to the shits who make their life a misery. As soon as they take a one-day break from being a shit the teacher gives them an award.

Nicely summed up

I would mention it to the school as your daughter has clearly spotted that she is overlooked and this is not right. You do your best to champion and celebrate her effort and hard work at home and also make it clear that sadly some people are picked to encourage them to keep trying rather than the fact that they are the best person to be picked. My daughter went through a phase of getting upset that she wasn’t picked for special mention although she was always doing the right thing but it tended to be the naughty kids who every so often did the right thing. It’s hard. Well done to your daughter on her reading 🌟

Ds was the same, a child who quietly worked hard & never got recognised for it at either primary or secondary school. The kids who were constantly in trouble & ironically the kids whose parents were either on the PTA or who worked in school got all the awards at primary & at secondary school the kids who weren't the brightest or who were always in trouble were getting diamond awards at a ceremony two or three times yet ds didn't manage to get a single platinum award in six years. It doesn't help encourage them to work hard ,& does nothing for their confidence.

The quiet studious children are always ignored. Whole heartedly agree that naughty children who happen to behave for one day of the week get rewarded with star of the week or similar. It's all about positive praise rather than actually disciplining them in the first place. It is so wrong as those quieter well behaved children see it as naughty children being rewarded. There is no incentive for them at all.

As to OP's daughter, I to would be concerned at how devastated she is. Could it be that the other children just managed to fit in more reading which is why they overtook her? Or is it a case of the teacher forgetting to mention to head that OP's daughter also reached the target? I've seen that happen before.

I can promise you it was nowt to do with the PTA in our school! I was vice chair for years and my kids never won anything. The old HT didn't like being challenged and I'm afraid I don't do nodding dog so we were "punished".

I do think some schools have toxic leadership and it gets fed down to the kids but generally I hope/think most teachers are decent sorts.

If it's affecting her self confidence I would raise it. Yes.

I always f

It sounds as though the head teacher shouted ‘look! She’s winning! You all need to try to beat her!’ And teachers in other classes took that to mean by fair means or foul.
At the very least, the fact that she was pipped at the post was made public and that’s fairly humiliating. It’s very odd to say someone is nearly there, even if anonymously.

It is so hard when one feels their child has been missed out. Sometimes accidentally. Sometimes as some teachers are just mean or on a power trip. I would ask the teacher why your dd hasn't been awarded her platinum and then say nothing else. Let them justify it.

My daughter moved to a new school in year four and OMG the vitriol from the other mothers as this new girl had been awarded the class award when she'd been there five minutes. Months later I even had one mum come up to me and say my dd beat yours this week. I smiled at her and said how wonderful and meant it. No skin off our noses and I was genuinely pleased for her kid as she was way behind.

I feel like this discussion is not focusing on the daughter anymore but on what other people have experienced.

It has turned into a "when I/my child didn't receive something"-thread. Understandable but not sure if it is helpful for the OP.

I also feel like hardly anyone actually read what is really going on.

I say this kindle YABU.

Top tip, never, ever get involved in a reading competition at school. There is only one reason they do them: ofsted, tick box exercise.

I have 2 avid readers, one who's obsessed with books ever since she learned to read in reception and one who reads all the time although maybe with a more narrow palette. Neither of them have ever won a silly competition or reading award. Reading is not a competitive activity and it annoys me that schools are using competitiveness to motivate children to read more. Reading is a wonderful, independent, free activity and the power is all on the person who reads.

Teach your dd to strive and do her best regardless of what silly little primary school give as silly little rewards. When she gets to secondary, your lovely dd will reap all the rewards because she will be well read and she will pas her academic tests with flying colours. Encourage her to read for pleasure and as a reward, get a an amazon or book store voucher.

Oh OP, I think many of us here can sympathise with you and DD. It's awful.

I think mentioning it at parents evening would be a good opportunity to present this to the school rationally and calmly. Sending an email can be misinterpreted.

Good luck to your DD, learning about unfairness is no bad thing, it did help DS to be a bit more assertive in the end.

Yanbu it’s really hard as a parent to see your kids so upset when they’re trying so hard x

There was nothing to stop your daughter doing 'extra reads' if she wanted to, surely. Teachers give pupils set books and encourage them to read widely but it's up to the individual what they read and how much.

Recognition is obviously very important to her and she feels the way things have been going is unfair. However she won't be the only pupil who feels that way because life is just like that sometimes. I've heard youngsters before say that those who do brilliantly and those who suddenly make good progress are rewarded but the ones who consistently keep up a high average are ignored. Or appear to be ignored.

I don't 'get' the having tea with headmistress business as a reward, frankly, and for what?

It's tough being in a competitive environment but at the end of the day, if your daughter is doing well academically and her behaviour is all right, don't worry too much about it. When she leaves and is out in the world, she'll come into her own.

Teachers have been on this forum many times pretty much saying " if a kid is quiet and no bother , we just forget about them as we don't need to support them "

@twelly

If you look at academic awards at the end of the academic year in primary - there is a higher proportion awarded to children whose birthday's are in the earlier part of the year. The data overwhelmingly shows that those children have an advantage - this is true for physical activities as well. Gradually that advantage wears off - but studies show for some the impact on their self worth remains so September/oct and nov born children are more confident. Of course there are other factors as well - I am not saying this is the only factor but one would think that schools would spread awards and regonition around - some teacher/schools really don't seem to care

This is very true and long lasting - it shows up even in admissions to the "better" universities. I remember a conversation with DC's headmaster where it emerged that every child awarded an academic scholarship on entrance in their year had a birthday before the October half term. He was very concerned, especially when he did a whole school review and realised that whilst it was less stark in other years there was still a significant bias to autumn birthdays.

And that’s so wrong. But it has been going on forever. So the lesson of life being unfair starts very early!

DD1 excelled so she got star of the week awards.
DD2 was a middle of the road child who never caused any problems. I did have to point out to a couple of teachers that she never got an award and they were very apologetic.
DS has SEN and had star of the week quite often - he didn’t actually care about it at all!

Those in the middle are often forgotten about.

Your post strikes a chord. I feel my children are not recognised for their achievements either. Sadly, the 'middling' type children who are generally well behaved and get on with their work, are lost amongst the class when teachers are so thinly stretched with classes (and spend so much time firefighting bad behaviour/additional needs etc). I'm a teacher so have experience of this. So, yanbu, it is a very bitter pill to follow 😔

@Soontobe60

I’m a teacher - I really sympathise with your DD. At the start of each school year I have a class list and make sure every child gets the Star of the Week 🤮 certificate - I tend to give those ‘invisible’ children the award first. I also have a ‘jobs’ list and every child has some sort of job. As for reading awards, I hate them. I encourage all children to read for readings sake, not to get a prize. If you’re the child whose parents don’t give a damn, you’re never going to get it! In the same vein, I loathe attendance awards. It’s hardly little Johnny’s fault if his dad can’t get him to school on time every day is it? Please email the Head - some Heads need a reminder how their choices can adversely affect some children.

This is exactly how I used to work in a school.

Sadly, my child's school now gives the awards to the same kids. They give out 4 awards a week. Since September, daughter has only had 1.

She is also very academic and very sporty. Causes no bother.

I'm interested to see what others feel too about emailing the school as it's always a bit tricky being a teacher myself.

Reading is not a competitive activity and it annoys me that schools are using competitiveness to motivate children to read more. Reading is a wonderful, independent, free activity and the power is all on the person who reads.

I totally agree with this

And all those 'star of the week' type awards are clearly carrots to encourage more problematic children to behave. I'm not sure if they're entirely successful in this goal however.

They have to learn life’s unfair sometimes

This isn’t my job as a teacher, I can help them gain the resilience to deal with it being unfair but not to make a child feel upset. Contact the school, you don’t want her to disengage from school as she gets older.