To email school about DD never being recognised…

[Greyhop]

I’m very happy to be put in my place here! DD is pretty quiet, well behaved at school. She is very good academically - but never gets certificates, is never on school council, has never been to headteachers tea party throughout her time at school/happens termly with about 4 children from her class chosen to go along (some children in her class have been 4 or 5 times). This has been fine up til now.

This year she has started to say “I’m not popular”. I’ve supported her with this - saying she may not be sporty etc, but she does well in English. Everyone has different talents.

The school do reading awards. A new thing this year. DD got to her bronze award, and she was first to do so. Since then she has read avidly, in the hope of getting a mention in assembly as first to get to platinum. 2 weeks ago the school was told someone in year 6 is only a few reads away. It was her. She has followed the rules, written reams in her reading diary - worked it all out that she could get to platinum first. I was reluctant to go with this, but I could see how keen she was - and that she was set to get it.

Yesterday, 4 other children got the award before her - in a different year group - and the only way they could have got it was by their teacher allowing them extra reads to beat her.

She is absolutely devastated!!!

I’m too emotionally invested in this aren’t I? I shouldn’t have encouraged her. But I’ve never seen her sob her heart out like this!

I’ve told her we’ll do our own award/tea party at home. She’s now happy. AIBU to vent in an email to the school????

I mentioned something similar at parents evening one year. All the dc get achievement points and once theyve filled up their chart they get a reward. Dds best friend would fill her chart up once a week, half way through the term dd was sad as she'd never even completed one.

But then dds friend was getting a sticker every day for trying to eat some lunch, for sitting quietly in a lesson, etc, etc. And dd who needed no encouragement to eat her lunch, or sit quietly, or put her coat on by herself, etc just wouldn't get the stickers as it was stuff she did anyway.

For the next few weeks the TA absolutely swamped dd with stickers. Which massively boosted her confidence again.

If I were you I'd have a quick word with the teacher at drop off/pick up time and say the lack of acknowledgement is really upsetting dd, and please could they bear her in mind for next assembly

Oh my goodness, what excellent replies from all of you. Decision made! DD is an introvert, and if something isn’t fair she needs to find her voice - and not feel discouraged. Thank you so, so much. Parents evening next week, so I shall have a word! It was unfair - DD was very invested, and the assembly had definitely turned it into a competition. Her nearest competitor was 50 reads behind her, and DD had 10 left. She completely stuck to the rules, fiercely stuck to the rules so there would be no question that she had achieved it!

If she has earned her platinum award then she deserves to be recognised for her platinum award, but it was probably never meant to be a competition between children as to who got there first. Who got there first doesn’t really matter from the schools POV, the scheme is to encourage reading so everyone that that has worked for should be equally recognised. The teacher in the other year group was doing what she needed to do to encourage the children in her class to read, and rightly so.

Did she still get a certificate or whatever for her platinum award?

If your dd is feeling overlooked then that is something different that you can reasonably talk to school about. I wouldn’t worry about things like school council, so few children get to do that each year that the majority don’t do it.

Some of your posts here, really make me question the whole awards/certificates/prize system. It can crush people!! And it’s just extrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation is far more important.

That’s what I was trying to say!!

I would mention it.Most teachers keep a list to ensure everyone gets a turn at Star of the Week etc. But I do agree that the quiet, hardworking and ‘no trouble’ children can get forgotten and in the whole school reward systems i used to get very cross that children who deigned to behave for a few days when they knew there would be a reward got that reward when the others didn’t.

I agree it shouldn’t have been a ‘competition’ - but the head was presenting it in the assembly as a competition, saying how many reads away from being first.

I’d come at this slightly differently — I’d be mildly disturbed if my child was so set on being recognised. It’s brilliant your daughter loves reading, but I’d be warier of encouraging a mindset where something is only worth doing if there’s a public reward (I realise you said you had mixed feelings about the reading award thing.)

Is she (wrongly) linking popularity to recognition?

I’m also not sure I understand what would have had to happen to allow someone to fiddle the platinum award — how could a teacher ‘allow more reads’? You’ve no proof on that so I wouldn’t bring it up, but yes, I think it would be good to contact school to try to prevent your daughter feeling quite so invisible.

Totally sympathise with you. My DD is the same, she calls herself 'the grey man'. Perfect spy material. She has struggled in the past, but now calls it her superpower. She gets away with murder because people never expect her to be anything other than quiet, good and mousy, but she does shocks people when it comes to objective assessments, particularly external exams and competitions.

DH is a loud, boisterous type of person and I always made a point of getting him to be involved with the school and extracurriculars, just to try to raise her profile. Bit pathetic and I'm not sure that it made any difference.

No, don’t get involved with school. They have to learn life’s unfair sometimes

I disagree. I'm a primary school teacher and kids should feel equally as recognised as their peers. There is plenty of time to learn about life being unfair once you reach secondary school (when it is much easier to be overlooked). I would speak to her teacher about how she is feeling discouraged and say that in her time at school she has never gone to one of the headteacher teas etc. This is the sort of information that doesn't get passed on between teachers so your DD's teacher probably isn't aware and it would be nice for her to get the recognition if she is in her last year at school.

This was an ongoing issue at DDs primary. She was a nice well behaved girl so she was totally ignored. Children with behavioural problems were swamped with praise and opportunities. There was an event where DD would have been perfect to represent the school, they took the naughtiest boy in class (who got sent home from the event because of his behaviour).
It’s had a lasting effect on DD. I did mention it once, they made a fuss of her for something and the teacher rang to say how different she was after it. Never happened again though. She stopped trying.

Secondary has been difficult as she is so quiet but a few teachers have recognised they have to push her and give her some attention to get good work out of her.

It’s not a case of children needing to know life is unfair. It’s what some children need to do well, just like adjustments are made for other issues.

But if the head said in assembly that your dd was only 10 reads away, and presumably praised her for that, then your dds efforts are being recognised.

Did she still get her platinum award?

I agree with you that intrinsic motivation is far more important, but some children just don’t have that.

DS1 had exactly the same in primary. Quiet, shy boy who was constantly overlooked. Very well behaved and worked well, but invisible.

The school had a system of privilege badges and each week they would give the badges out and the kids with them could use a certain part of the playground, sit on chairs in assembly etc. By the April and after weeks and weeks of not getting his badge, he was one of only 3 kids who hadn't received their badge. He was so upset and so we complained to the school. He received his badge the very next week.

Thankfully they had stopped the scheme by the time DS2 was in year 6.

I would speak to the school without a doubt.

Heavens yes - these attendance awards are ridiculous and grossly unfair. They are because the school have OfSted on their backs and want to encourage children to attend so that the school does not get downgraded.

I am sorry to hear that and that your daughter is upset.

I just don't really understand how this award works. Is it that there are, for example, 20 books and who reads them first (and writes a report on them) gets the awards? Or is it just about reading as many as you can (and reviewing them) in a certain period? I just don't understand the part about the teachers letting them read more, is that not allowed?

As for certificates and school council. As far as I know you have to actively do something to get these things. For example apply to be on school council and show that you are serious about it, sometimes you need to campaign and collect votes to get on something like that.

It seems like your daughter has a talent and that is great. I would encourage her to keep up with it. And if she wants a certificate I would work towards it but not just to get the certificate. If the other kids read more books or actively campaigned to be on the school council then it is fair that they got the certificate. But of course I understand that it would be upsetting and of course the teacher should make sure that all of the kids feel like they are important and valued. There will always be awards and certificates and diplomas and not all kids will get them. Learning to deal with not winning is also important.

The tea thing is weird to me. One of my teachers did this too, she always invited the same group of her favourite students for tea (about 5-6) and that group never changed. I find things like this quite odd. What kind of teacher would do that? Is this a special reward for an accomplishment or just random?

I wouldn't write anything like "my daughter doesn't get certificates and is upset" because you get these certificates for doing certain things and I would just work towards that if she wants them.

But if the tea parties are random I would ask about that. Just doesn't seem right.

@Susu49

Yanbu

It's important that children feel they are treated fairly and it's even more important that they don't disconnect from those things which encourage them and give them confidence.

I actually think it's really important you speak to the school about this.

I agree with this. I had words with my eldests primary school as she came towards the end of her time there; long story but very similar to yours.

It's an excellent learning curve for your DD.

My DD was the same, constantly under the radar and her (my!) final straw was when choosing the highest graded piano students to perform under that title in year 6 she was completely overlooked despite having lessons in school and being on a higher grade. She was devastated at the unfairness of it and felt completely invisible.

Probably terrible advice but I explained that life isn't fair and I would be speaking to the teacher but the result would likely be she would suddenly start winning things.

A raft of star of the week/most catches in rounders/kindness awards rapidly descended.
Obviously all now a bit hollow but it was such an important lesson for her then that's been useful through Uni and starting her career.

I don't like these award things either, and feel very sorry that your daughter is sad
However, as gently as possible, it does sound as though both you and she are a bit obsessed by the whole thing. Knowing who has got what how many times, who's invited where and when, who's going to get to the next stage in the reading awards.

At school the kids who were always "picked" were the kids of the mums who didn't work and helped out at the cake stall, in the classroom etc. It was blatant favouritism but ultimately did those kids no favours in the long run. Being Mary at primary school won't help with your UCAS application.

What I'm clumsily trying to say is that if you feel you need to speak to the school, then do it in a "these award things are a bit wanky aren't they" rather than "why hasn't my child been given one"

And carry on instilling in your daughter a love of learning and a love of school for its own sake, not for some weirdly tea party with Dolores Umbridge.

Get her some out of school activities.

In the week my daughter complained about never getting a certificate at school.

I reminded about all her brownie badges. He belt at martial arts etc.
She does get recognition at her other activities so is less bothered about not getting star of the week

I think you absolutely should bring it up, OP, all of it. I detest this favouritism/teacher's pet/popular and noticeable child that these type of awards invariably descend into.

When I was at school we all knew which pupil was going to get the starring role in the play even though they were crap at it, knew who was going to get the Gold Stars, etc. Doing this only serves to de-motivate other pupils and they stop trying or lose interest. As Auden so succinctly put it They gave the prizes to the ruined boys.

It also seems very suspect that the all of a sudden pupils who were 50 reads behind your daughter miraculously achieved the prize.

If the Prizes cannot be awarded objectively and fairly they should not be awarded at all.

PS the head sounds appalling.

I would mention it to her teacher, I told my sons teacher he was struggling a bit and feeling emotionally about coming in, my son didn’t know we had this chat, the next week he’s gets the super star award, listing everything he’s great at and has been put in a ‘nurture group’ weekly which he loves. I think had j not said anything he’d have gone unnoticed for the year as he’s a people pleaser and will always do what the teacher says quietly without any fuss. But inside he’s a sensitive soul! So basically I would!

I’m also a secondary teacher and get many of these calls, which I act upon

Don't email the Head, talk to the teacher about how she is feeling and how hard she worked/ hoped to be first to get the reading award. If I was her teacher (I teach secondary) I would definitely want to know so I could help, but I would feel very criticised if you went first to the Head.

Sounds exactly like my dd ! She has ASD and is overlooked for everything and never gets mentioned, it would do her self esteem so good if she was