To email school about DD never being recognised…

[Greyhop]

I’m very happy to be put in my place here! DD is pretty quiet, well behaved at school. She is very good academically - but never gets certificates, is never on school council, has never been to headteachers tea party throughout her time at school/happens termly with about 4 children from her class chosen to go along (some children in her class have been 4 or 5 times). This has been fine up til now.

This year she has started to say “I’m not popular”. I’ve supported her with this - saying she may not be sporty etc, but she does well in English. Everyone has different talents.

The school do reading awards. A new thing this year. DD got to her bronze award, and she was first to do so. Since then she has read avidly, in the hope of getting a mention in assembly as first to get to platinum. 2 weeks ago the school was told someone in year 6 is only a few reads away. It was her. She has followed the rules, written reams in her reading diary - worked it all out that she could get to platinum first. I was reluctant to go with this, but I could see how keen she was - and that she was set to get it.

Yesterday, 4 other children got the award before her - in a different year group - and the only way they could have got it was by their teacher allowing them extra reads to beat her.

She is absolutely devastated!!!

I’m too emotionally invested in this aren’t I? I shouldn’t have encouraged her. But I’ve never seen her sob her heart out like this!

I’ve told her we’ll do our own award/tea party at home. She’s now happy. AIBU to vent in an email to the school????

I’ve just remembered something!

My DSD really struggles at school but works really hard, she is in the same class as my niece. DSD is super quiet and will spend 2 hours trying to do her homework (not forced, she wants to do it well). My DN will spend 15 minutes on it and get a happy token (they all have money boxes at school for their tokens). DSD always names kids that were in the Friday assembly, always the same kids - naughty kids and those like DN who don’t need to try.

One week DSD convinced herself it would definitely be her week, she was so excited, wanted me to do her hair special on the morning. Well she was absolutely devastated to not be in the assembly, came out of school crying! It was heartbreaking to see, for a few weeks I had suggested to DP he emailed school about it but he didn’t want to be “that parent” but this was the final straw because she said that she’s just going to rush her work like the others now.

That night we got her a little present, hid it under her pillow and wrote a note from a fairy saying that they had seen how hard she worked and they took her name out of assembly because she deserved a much bigger and more special reward. She cried for ages with happiness when she found it. It’s a shit thing to have to do but it kept her engaged and it really cheered her up. Could you try something similar?

Intrinsic motivation is fuelled by feedback, but the focus should be on the feedback and schools seem to be focused on offering a reward instead.

There is a hierarchy of feedback. It is positive, negative and none. The worst form of feedback is none.

It sounds like your quiet, diligent daughter is not getting feedback - positive or negative - and you should highlight this to her teacher. At the same time, as her parent, make time to give feedback - both positive and negative - to fuel her intrinsic motivation. Because once she gets to secondary school, my experience is the "grey" child becomes even more so.

Email the school! They definitely do awards on rotation at ours so everyone gets recognised at some pointy whether it be academic or sports or the dinner lady award (yep this is a thing). If she’s quiet and good she might be overlooked for those who the teacher think need extra encouragement (through awards).

@Snowbell99
‘From the figures the head read out in assembly, no - even if the other class were allowed double the number of reads DD they wouldn’t have caught her up. But 4 in the other class achieved it and DD not’

Of course the OP can check and get back to us
I would never accuse a child of cheating!
Did they (or their teacher) follow the rules or not? OP may be able to clarify in time.

My point was less about the ins and outs of this particular award actually, more the constant ignoring of those following rules whilst rewarding those who don’t- for example my comment earlier on re: behaviour at dds university.

@GracieLouFreeebush
That’s a lovely story x

@Snowbell99 no - I don’t want it to come across as other children ‘cheated’ or to take away from their achievement. That is a very good point you are making.

I think the other class teacher adjusted the rules for her class to overtake another class. This is what I want to ask.

That is a lovely story. Dd still fully believes in her tooth fairy, and I could do something similar.

There was a really interesting book I read some years back called "Failing at fairness" which highlighted some of the ways in which schools overlook female students and inadvertently encourage and reinforce low self esteem and lack of assertiveness in girls. The research was old (from the 90s at the latest) and most was from America, but a lot of it still relevant. Things like:

• more teacher time spent with boys than girls in the class
• boys called on more than girls to answer questions
• boys rewarded but girls reprimanded for calling out answers
• boys praised for effort and progress but girls praised for neatness/good work - reinforces boys' belief that hard work pays off but for girls that ability is fixed/innate

I moved from a male to a female dominated profession and in training I still notice that the a lot of the male students are much more confident about speaking up in lectures. Even though about 75% of my training group is female, it is me and 2 guys that offer the most opinions/questions in lectures. So many of the women never speak at all.

Regarding your daughter, I would encourage her to speak to her teacher about the reading awards. Rehearse with her what she might want to say and how/when to say it. That way, you are teaching her the skills to advocate for herself, which she will need as she gets older.

Also, don't underestimate the importance of self belief and intrinsic motivation. Your daughter knows how much effort she made and how hard she worked. She also knows the value of all the reading she has done and everything she has learnt from it. Those are big achievements and she should rightly feel proud of herself for them. She doesn't need a certificate to justify that. And in the long term, being motivated to achieve personal goals is much healthier than feeling driven to work for praise from your teacher/parent/boss:
hbr.org/2018/02/if-youre-so-successful-why-are-you-still-working-70-hours-a-week

@Teenylittlefella

I complained last term. My child in their first term at secondary school was diagnosed with Crohn's and hospitalised twice, liquid diet for 8 weeks, NG tube, the lot. The school gave chocolate Santa's to the kids with 100 percent attendance or those whose only non attendance was covid related. My child was devastated. We would all rather they didn't have a lifelong incurable undignified disease but to be punished by school because of it! I got no acknowledgement from the attendance team. I fully intend to bring it up again on parents' evening.

Sometimes schools don't seem to think of the unintended consequences of these awards.

All schools should be aware of the statutory guidance for supporting pupils at school with medical conditions. It is also a legal requirement for schools to have their own policy which should mirror the statutory guidance.

The document states that it is:

Unacceptable practice to...
• penalise children for their attendance record if their absences are related to
their medical condition, e.g. hospital appointments (p23)

Note that this statement gives an example of hospital appointments, it does not mean this applies ONLY to hospital appointments...

official guidance document here

@JoieDeLivres and OP - I am a PP who suggested meeting with the HT. I think an email could be misconstrued. I also suggested meeting with the classroom teacher about the tea parties, but I now think the HT a better bet: they are the least likely person to be drawing up the guest lists for the tea parties. In an ideal world they would note the repeat guests and follow up, but in the real one - and especially if class teachers are providing the guest lists - this isn’t a high priority. I am not excusing this

The tea parties do have twee and possibly classist elements but if properly inclusive I can see a valuable point. In HE, possibly more so in STEM, we send a number of strong candidates onto the job market every year who are nervous about how to behave in a social setting with their seniors. This is largely class based and of course it works against them. (Less than it used to, but still.). These tea parties could start to get young children comfortable in different environments from a young age.

One does wonder whether the children who most need this have any chance of an invite under the present system.

I would definitely say something but wouldn’t tell DD I was doing it.

OP I think discussing it at parents' evening is a good plan. I assume your DD will be part of the conversation then too? I wouldn't comment on what other children have/have not done but just stick to how your DD felt about it all.

It's interesting reading this thread and different people's perspectives but I just want to comment on one recurring theme. The "little shits" in school are often children dealing with worse situations than anyone should ever have to deal with and/or dealing with neuro diversity (often undiagnosed). When I worked in a school those children broke my heart every day and they truly did need the extra support and boosts that they got but of course, all the parents of other children could see was the negative behaviour. One of the teachers I worked with explained it beautifully to the children in the class. Some children need more support with maths, some children need more support with reading and writing, and some children need more support with how to behave. So sometimes yes, they do need to be treated differently. It's not because the teacher is being unfair, or favouring them, it's because those children need that extra help. That does need to be balanced with making sure all children receive some recognition for the things they do well, but they may need to accept that some children get more rewards for stuff because that's what they need. Your child might want all the rewards the "little shit" is getting but they almost certainly would not want them at the cost of what that child has to deal with.

I feel for you and your daughter OP. My little boy has sen and finds school so emotionally hard but he's as good as gold, and tries his best. He has learning difficulties so doesn't reach all their targets but he works damn hard but he is barely recognised at all and it really angers me. The same group of kids are often getting celebrated. In particular one girl and it drives me to despair.

How do you know she reached the targets before the others?

Meek, quiet types get overlooked. Learning to put yourself forward, make your case, ask for/demand what you're entitled to is an important lesson. Especially for girls.

Who says the child is meek?

Great mistake to assume there is one successful type. We can only succeed if we embrace e diversity, we need humble people as well as self promoters, we need the voices from every quarter.

Oh bless her, she's got a great mum looking out for her though.