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AIBU?

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Original poster

To confront a friend who is showy about not having kids?

476 replies

fmac2987 · 12/03/2022 10:41

I have a 2 year old DD and am expecting our second in 8 weeks.

I have a friend, who I know really wanted kids and went through a lot of try to have them, IVF etc, but has now decided with her current partner that they don't want children.

Its not like I had it easy. 4 losses followed by IVF and we were lucky enough to be successful with IVF, and even luckier still to be having another. But I am struggling hard with the terrible twos and perinatal depression and she knows it.

Whenever we chat, on whatsapp or whatever she makes a massive point of showing off that she doesn't have any commitments and sends photos of her in the bath with wine, etc etc. Normally I'd be thinking that all this is coming from a place of pain (and it might be) but I feel like its salt in the wound right now.

So I backed away a stopped chatting as much and she's called me out on it by saying she thinks I'm jealous, and I shouldn't avoid her just because she doesn't have children and has a life.

I really don't know how to manage this.

Is it unreasonable to back away from this weird situation?

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 12/03/2022 10:42

Urgh. I would just back away. She sounds very conflicted and is lashing out. That's not friendly. Find people who like you, support you and don't judge your life.

balalake · 12/03/2022 10:44

Yes, even if you had conceived first time and had no issues, it is insensitive. Other people known to the friend could have had difficulty conceiving or been unable to, so you are not looking after yourself but perhaps saving some others the pain you feel.

Oldraver · 12/03/2022 10:45

I also have a life but I dont want cunts in it, goodbye

SpringBeavers · 12/03/2022 10:45

@PermanentTemporary

Urgh. I would just back away. She sounds very conflicted and is lashing out. That's not friendly. Find people who like you, support you and don't judge your life.
I agree with this.
WorraLiberty · 12/03/2022 10:47

Could she perhaps feel as though you're making a massive point by talking so much about your parental struggles?

Rightly or wrongly, becoming a parent does change friendships and sometimes we forget out DC/struggles isn't the only topic of conversation.

It does sound as though somewhere along the line, you two have lost your way together. Possibly because she finds it hard to support you due to her own infertility.

WorraLiberty · 12/03/2022 10:47

*our

Theyellowflamingo · 12/03/2022 10:48

Anyone, in pain or not, who told me they had a life and I didn’t because I had children wouldn’t be my friend. I suspect the “lady doth protest too much” and actually she’s trying to convince herself she’s happy without children, but there’s no need to be plain nasty to you about it.

I wouldn’t confront her though, I’d just leave her be and accept your friendship is probably over.

BankingOnChange · 12/03/2022 10:48

saying she thinks I'm jealous, and I shouldn't avoid her just because she doesn't have children and has a life

She's clearly the one who's bitter and jealous...people who love their life don't come out with comments like this. I'd feel sorry for her but wouldn't put up with constant comments either and would step away from this friendship.

I'd message back 'Hi x. I'm sorry you feel like that. I'm pleased you're so happy with things and don't want to argue with you. But I'm busy and have a lot going on right now which I need to focus on. Wishing you all the best'.

FionnulaTheCooler · 12/03/2022 10:49

YANBU to back away. Her actions may well be coming from a painful place after failed fertility treatment, and she's trying to convince herself that a child free life is better, but it doesn't give her the right to treat you badly and still expect friendship from you.

WinniesHunny · 12/03/2022 10:51

@Oldraver

I also have a life but I dont want cunts in it, goodbye
Indeed. Exactly why I don't have children. The sheer number of arseholes you would have to deal with is ridiculous. John and Sarah's mother from the other thread being a case in point.
JudgeRindersMinder · 12/03/2022 10:51

What would you actually get out of confronting her apart from a lot of hurt on both sides?

Turningpurple · 12/03/2022 10:52

Not unreasonable to back away. I, imagine, she doesn't really want to hear how much you are struggling with your 2nd pregnancy and the terrible twos, when she did (very much want kids).

To her its probably the equivalent of someone winning the lottery then moaning to their poorer friends how depressed its made them sad how much they are struggling with it.

From the outside we know its not that easy. You can feel incredibly lucky to have your kids and still struggle or get depression.

She seems to have decided the beat way to deal with her feelings is to constantly remind you (but mainly herself) of the person of not having kids. It sounds like the friendship is not in a place where she can deal with ger own feelings and support you. You aren't in a place where you can see that your knives are different but both good in different ways.

DrManhattan · 12/03/2022 10:52

Just don't be friends with her?

Mangogogogo · 12/03/2022 10:52

@Oldraver

I also have a life but I dont want cunts in it, goodbye
Oh man I thought for a second you were referring to the kids. Now it’s really making me laugh
Maisa45 · 12/03/2022 10:53

I think your friendship has run its course and you no longer seem to be compatible.

luxxlisbon · 12/03/2022 10:54

Is sounds like you could both be being sensitive and taking each other the wrong way. When she sends you a picture of what she’s doing, say wine in the bath, surely she’s just making chat not rubbing it in? The same if you might share a picture of your kid or mention something kid related you’re doing at the weekend, you are just being honest about your day not trying to rub it in that you have kids and she doesn’t.

Allthestarsabovemyhead · 12/03/2022 10:56

Well clearly she wanted a child if she went though ivf. I doubt she decided she doesn’t want children anymore. Perhaps talking about your struggles is upsetting her. She might think why are you complaining all the time when you’re going to have 2 children and she doesn’t have any. Her sending those pics are trying to make herself feel better I guess. I would just ignore and make new friends.

gingerhills · 12/03/2022 10:56

I don't get it. She is showing how happy she is having all the advantages of not having children. Why shouldn't she? Does her happiness and freedom offend you? Why?

Can't you just say: looks lovely! Good for you for appreciating the advantages!

She must have wanted DC and it's a very hard thing to come to terms with not having them. Why would you, a friend, be annoyed that she has?

AnIconOfImperfections · 12/03/2022 10:56

Well it’s patently obvious that she’s lashing out because she’s in pain. She wanted children so much that she went through IVF to try and have one / some. Clearly realised it wasn’t going to happen (well not without a huge emotional and financial toll) and instead of admitting this, is instead now denying her yearning to be a mother.

I get it, it’s easier to take that attitude than have everyone pitying you. I know she’s being unkind but perhaps cut her a little slack. You likely have everything she wants (bar the terrible twos and perinatal depression, but those are impermanent, despite how awful they are at the time, unlike being a mother, which lasts forever)

lemongreentea · 12/03/2022 10:57

shes jealous of you. you want prize for having kids. both drama queens

Degreeincodology · 12/03/2022 10:57

I think you could be more sensitive. The pain of infertility is unbearable. She's obviously just trying to cope as best she can.

WorraLiberty · 12/03/2022 10:59

@Turningpurple

Not unreasonable to back away. I, imagine, she doesn't really want to hear how much you are struggling with your 2nd pregnancy and the terrible twos, when she did (very much want kids).

To her its probably the equivalent of someone winning the lottery then moaning to their poorer friends how depressed its made them sad how much they are struggling with it.

From the outside we know its not that easy. You can feel incredibly lucky to have your kids and still struggle or get depression.

She seems to have decided the beat way to deal with her feelings is to constantly remind you (but mainly herself) of the person of not having kids. It sounds like the friendship is not in a place where she can deal with ger own feelings and support you. You aren't in a place where you can see that your knives are different but both good in different ways.

Very well put @Turningpurple
ButEmilylovedhim · 12/03/2022 11:00

Yeah, it’s the “I have a life” that betrays that she is rubbing it in. It probably has pain at the root of it but she’s now trying to pass some of that pain onto you by being spiteful. I had a friend that was very spiteful, again to do with fertility (she already had children but couldn’t have more) and I put up with it for far too long because I knew where it was coming from. It hurt me terribly and actually I don’t think it was good for her either, that I let her do it. It probably made her feel better in the moment but longer term I don’t know. I would continue to distance myself if I were you. She’s even owned what she’s doing!

Makeitsoso · 12/03/2022 11:01

Empathy is an important value in a friend. So even in her (possible?) pain, she should be able to feel for you with young children. I say this as someone who suffered with infertility for years. Sometimes I did avoid events but I always explained why and that I loved them and wished them well. If friends were having a hard time with their babies/lack of sleep I offered emotional support as much as I was able. Even if it was just “sounds really tough, I don’t know what it’s like but am sending you loads of love and wishes for a good night’s sleep tonight”.

I think she doesn’t sound kind. That’s something that’s hard to come back from. I’d reply “I think it’s best we give each other some space as I’m struggling at the moment”. If she chooses to continue being unkind I just would block her and possibly consider rekindling her friendship at a later time (or not!).

FairyCakeWings · 12/03/2022 11:02

I agree that it’s probably coming from a place of pain and she’s actually just trying to convince herself that her life is better for not having children.

It’s insensitive though and you aren’t there to be an emotional punchbag for her to make her feel better about herself, so I’d do the same right back at her. For every picture she sends you of her bubble bath, you send her one of your children with the loved up emoji attached.

That might seem a bit mean, but hopefully it wouldn’t take her long before she gets the hint.

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