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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To confront a friend who is showy about not having kids?

476 replies

fmac2987 · 12/03/2022 10:41

I have a 2 year old DD and am expecting our second in 8 weeks.

I have a friend, who I know really wanted kids and went through a lot of try to have them, IVF etc, but has now decided with her current partner that they don't want children.

Its not like I had it easy. 4 losses followed by IVF and we were lucky enough to be successful with IVF, and even luckier still to be having another. But I am struggling hard with the terrible twos and perinatal depression and she knows it.

Whenever we chat, on whatsapp or whatever she makes a massive point of showing off that she doesn't have any commitments and sends photos of her in the bath with wine, etc etc. Normally I'd be thinking that all this is coming from a place of pain (and it might be) but I feel like its salt in the wound right now.

So I backed away a stopped chatting as much and she's called me out on it by saying she thinks I'm jealous, and I shouldn't avoid her just because she doesn't have children and has a life.

I really don't know how to manage this.

Is it unreasonable to back away from this weird situation?

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 14/03/2022 00:33

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@Clarabe1
Apparently so! You can have a life full of fun, friendships, a gorgeous house, an amazing partner, nice car, pets, lovely family, fulfilling well paid career, mind blowing travel and holidays, relaxation, hobbies, etc etc but none of that counts as anything!
Unless you have kids you have “nothing” 🤷‍♀️
Surely no one in real life actually thinks like that?![/quote]
I agree that it’s ridiculous, but for some people, having children is really, really important. It’s just the way they are. 🤷🏽‍♀️

K37529 · 14/03/2022 00:42

It sounds like you are really struggling with being a mum and being pregnant. It is soo hard! Things will get better once baby comes along, I found looking after two children much easier than being pregnant with a toddler and I’m sure you will too 🙂 Is there anyone who could support you like your partner/family/ other friends?? It sounds like you really need a break if someone could look after your child for a while. I don’t think your friend is doing anything wrong tbh don’t know them but it sounds like they’re just telling you things that they’re up to, as friends do! but your taking it as an insult because you want to do those things but feel you can’t. I don’t think you should end this friendship because it sounds like she means a lot to you so i think you will feel worse losing her. I think you need to talk to someone about your depression I know you don’t want to take medication but maybe counselling?? Don’t feel guilty or ungrateful for feeling down about pregnancy/motherhood, no one enjoys it all no matter what people tell you! it’s a blessing yes but it’s also really hard work xx

Nat94 · 14/03/2022 00:47

Im in the minority here but you sound the problem.

You both wanted kids... she couldn't which must be absolutely devastating.

Now you're annoyed cause she can have a glass of wine when shes in the bath?

What do you want her to do? Shes probably had years of struggle and is just trying to enjoy life and be happy.

THEDEACON · 14/03/2022 01:26

Maybe she thinks you are being showy about having kids?

CallmeBadJanet · 14/03/2022 08:57

@CastleBeckett I would recommend you do something more useful and valuable with your time, than reprimanding people who are late to overly long and convoluted threads. That's just sad. And controlling.

CastleBeckett · 14/03/2022 09:13

[quote CallmeBadJanet]@CastleBeckett I would recommend you do something more useful and valuable with your time, than reprimanding people who are late to overly long and convoluted threads. That's just sad. And controlling.[/quote]
What’s sad is coming on to a thread to slag off OP friend who has been through so much, has done nothing wrong and is having nasty things written about by you, purely because you’re too lazy to read the 3 posts by the Op 🙄

Scotland32 · 14/03/2022 09:18

@gingerhills

I don't get it. She is showing how happy she is having all the advantages of not having children. Why shouldn't she? Does her happiness and freedom offend you? Why?

Can't you just say: looks lovely! Good for you for appreciating the advantages!

She must have wanted DC and it's a very hard thing to come to terms with not having them. Why would you, a friend, be annoyed that she has?

Yes, this!
Peasock · 14/03/2022 10:49

I don't get it. She is showing how happy she is having all the advantages of not having children.

But that's still linking everything back to children- having them or not. She's just in the bath not exactly the epitome of freedom or something people with children can't do I suspect OPs current mental health plays a lot into perceiving it as more than it is.

CountryMouse22 · 14/03/2022 10:51

I just wonder why on earth a 'friend' would send a pic of herself in the bath!

D0lphine · 14/03/2022 11:37

Whinging about kids to someone who can't have them is unbelievably thoughtless.

She knows this and is clapping back. Wine in the bath is defo a "fuck you", my life is valid.

Sounds like you're both being insensitive and the friendship has become toxic. I'd honestly leave it for now. Maybe you'll reconnect maybe you won't?

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/03/2022 12:13

@CountryMouse22
I’m sure it’ll have been ‘appropriate’ not tits and vag shots. It’ll have just been the freind showing what’ she’s up to at that particular time, no reason why OP should have found it as “triggering” as she did

MabelsApron · 14/03/2022 12:53

@trippingslippingx1 That is utterly vile, I'm so sorry.

MabelsApron · 14/03/2022 13:01

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@Clarabe1
Apparently so! You can have a life full of fun, friendships, a gorgeous house, an amazing partner, nice car, pets, lovely family, fulfilling well paid career, mind blowing travel and holidays, relaxation, hobbies, etc etc but none of that counts as anything!
Unless you have kids you have “nothing” 🤷‍♀️
Surely no one in real life actually thinks like that?![/quote]
They do, unfortunately. I once had someone at work (who shouldn't have known that I'd needed a hysterectomy to save my life, but that's another story) say that she'd rather have died than not be able to have kids. She was mortified when she realised what she said, and started saying she had a young baby so it was all very emotional for her. People really do think like this.

Trippingslippingx1 · 14/03/2022 13:22

@MabelsApron They really do. Even if they try there upmost hardest to suppress it - it comes out in comments. It is the world we live in and very little we can do about it. I do not say anything to them - I do not see the point.

Cameleongirl · 14/03/2022 13:30

@MabelsApron That's horrible, I'm so sorry you experienced this, some people make ridiculous comments without considering the effect on other people. Flowers

This is far less hurtful, but career choices are another subject where people are incredibly judgey, don't you think? I've known people look down on other women who choose not to focus so much on their careers, as if there's something wrong with them. Personally, I'm slightly envious if someone doesn't need to work or isn't especially driven. It usually means there's plenty of money about!

Trippingslippingx1 · 14/03/2022 13:57

[quote Cameleongirl]@MabelsApron That's horrible, I'm so sorry you experienced this, some people make ridiculous comments without considering the effect on other people. Flowers

This is far less hurtful, but career choices are another subject where people are incredibly judgey, don't you think? I've known people look down on other women who choose not to focus so much on their careers, as if there's something wrong with them. Personally, I'm slightly envious if someone doesn't need to work or isn't especially driven. It usually means there's plenty of money about![/quote]
Yep totally agree.
Its judgement from all angles for woman I am afraid.

If I get a sniff of it from other woman I tend to distance myself.
I work in a very traditional ‘status’ profession and we are so far gone for this. You are judged for every part of your career.

I was told I only became a partner because I was child less and the other partner must have fancied me. 😂

At this point I genuinely could not care less about other peoples homes, husbands, children or career status - as long as they are happy and not harming anyone - who really cares? I mind my own business but it has meant pulling back a huge amount socially to see the reality of how judgemental many people are (men and woman)

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/03/2022 14:11

@Trippingslippingx1 and @MabelsApron
I’m so sorry you’ve had this experiences. It’s goes to show what a misogynistic society we live in where women are denigrated for absolutely everything they do or don’t do. It’s shit.

Trippingslippingx1 · 14/03/2022 14:32

[quote LuckySantangelo35]**@Trippingslippingx1* and @MabelsApron*
I’m so sorry you’ve had this experiences. It’s goes to show what a misogynistic society we live in where women are denigrated for absolutely everything they do or don’t do. It’s shit.[/quote]
I think its partly to do with the traditional
Profession I have picked if I am honest - I think its played a large part.

Cameleongirl · 14/03/2022 14:46

@Trippingslippingx1. 😱

MabelsApron · 14/03/2022 14:52

@trippingslippingx1 I'm also in law, so I suspect you may be onto something. (I've also been told that "at least" not having kids means I'll get promoted whereas the parents won't. It'd be nice, if I actually wanted promotion!)

Trippingslippingx1 · 14/03/2022 14:59

[quote MabelsApron]@trippingslippingx1 I'm also in law, so I suspect you may be onto something. (I've also been told that "at least" not having kids means I'll get promoted whereas the parents won't. It'd be nice, if I actually wanted promotion!)[/quote]
I really think there is something in it particularly with Medicine and Law - the woman and men trying to keep up a picture perfect life the majority of the time.

I remember one of their husbands (in my profession) text them once to inform them he was delighted their house was in the most affluent postcode in the country. They had some chapagne to celebrate. All the while she is having an affair behind his back and they are riddled in debt. So much fakery around 😂😂

Cameleongirl · 14/03/2022 14:59

[quote MabelsApron]@trippingslippingx1 I'm also in law, so I suspect you may be onto something. (I've also been told that "at least" not having kids means I'll get promoted whereas the parents won't. It'd be nice, if I actually wanted promotion!)[/quote]
How patronizing. 😡 I bet that doesn’t apply to fathers though, does it? Just Wimmin.

Trippingslippingx1 · 14/03/2022 15:02

@Cameleongirl of course nothing will be said to men! And nothing will be said to men about having children or not having children! Also nothing will be said about being married or not being married! Also nothing will be said about being fat or not being fat! 😂 thread going off on a tangent…

bossybloss · 14/03/2022 16:27

@Makeitsoso

Empathy is an important value in a friend. So even in her (possible?) pain, she should be able to feel for you with young children. I say this as someone who suffered with infertility for years. Sometimes I did avoid events but I always explained why and that I loved them and wished them well. If friends were having a hard time with their babies/lack of sleep I offered emotional support as much as I was able. Even if it was just “sounds really tough, I don’t know what it’s like but am sending you loads of love and wishes for a good night’s sleep tonight”.

I think she doesn’t sound kind. That’s something that’s hard to come back from. I’d reply “I think it’s best we give each other some space as I’m struggling at the moment”. If she chooses to continue being unkind I just would block her and possibly consider rekindling her friendship at a later time (or not!).

You sound so lovely, sensible and kind. Makeitsoso xxx
IsabelHerna · 06/04/2022 21:23

It's definitely coming from a place of pain but at the same time, you have a lot to handle at this moment as well.