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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To confront a friend who is showy about not having kids?

476 replies

fmac2987 · 12/03/2022 10:41

I have a 2 year old DD and am expecting our second in 8 weeks.

I have a friend, who I know really wanted kids and went through a lot of try to have them, IVF etc, but has now decided with her current partner that they don't want children.

Its not like I had it easy. 4 losses followed by IVF and we were lucky enough to be successful with IVF, and even luckier still to be having another. But I am struggling hard with the terrible twos and perinatal depression and she knows it.

Whenever we chat, on whatsapp or whatever she makes a massive point of showing off that she doesn't have any commitments and sends photos of her in the bath with wine, etc etc. Normally I'd be thinking that all this is coming from a place of pain (and it might be) but I feel like its salt in the wound right now.

So I backed away a stopped chatting as much and she's called me out on it by saying she thinks I'm jealous, and I shouldn't avoid her just because she doesn't have children and has a life.

I really don't know how to manage this.

Is it unreasonable to back away from this weird situation?

OP posts:

StrongerOrWeaker · 12/03/2022 12:21

Well sharing she is having wine and bath is not exactly showing off. Regardless of what she does and says, of course her life is going to be more interesting than yours with baby and toddler. I don't get the angst.
For info, I have dc and suffered from depression.

Mumtwoboys90 · 12/03/2022 12:21

For every picture she sends you of her bubble bath, you send her one of your children with the loved up emoji attached.

WOW how cruel.

BenchBench · 12/03/2022 12:21

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Being childless isn't the go ahead to treat your friends like shit.. Back away she isn't a friend. Send her a few pics of your dc first. A true friend would be happy for you.

Maybe you can add other thoughtful advice like sending your friend going through chemotherapy a picture of your new haircut before blocking them, or your friend who’s had a car crash your new car before blocking them, or a friend who lost their business during covid your new house before blocking them.

CounsellorTroi · 12/03/2022 12:21

@Chainey

So many people on MN with ‘friends’ who sound like complete bitches who take their every insecurity and disappointment out on others. I’d be giving her a very wide berth.

Is that what you think wanting children and not being able to have them is? A disappointment? Like not landing the job you wanted, or the house you wanted?

BringMeTea · 12/03/2022 12:22

How is a wine in bath pic 'landing a punch'? wtaf?! 😐

PinkSyCo · 12/03/2022 12:22

Are you sure that your friend sending pics of herself in the bath with a glass of wine is her ‘making a massive point of showing off that she doesn't have any commitments’ though? Or could the way you are feeling mean that you ARE actually jealous of her right now and so reading more into her perfectly innocuous posts? I suspect there is envy on both sides and you need to meet up and talk it through like grown ups if you value your friendship and want it to continue.

Eims88 · 12/03/2022 12:22

Honestly OP, you need to take a step back and wonder why on earth you are feeling like this just because your friend is enjoying yourself. There's clearly a bigger issue here and you'd be best not placing the blame on your friend and trying to get to the bottom of your own feelings.

Someone sending you a picture of a bath and a glass of wine should not make you spiral like this.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 12/03/2022 12:22

Having dc shouldn't make you a doormat.
She isn't your friend op.
Concentrate on enjoying your last few weeks of pregnancy..
And enjoy your dc.

Maybe keep off her sm and block her off yours. Then your true friends can see your squishy baby when it arrives and she doesn't get that privilege..

DysonSphere · 12/03/2022 12:23

She has evidently made clear to her friend that she's suffering from PND. Which by pure default, does involve relegating her with stories of how hard things are and how much she's struggling.

But I am struggling hard with the terrible twos and perinatal depression and she knows it.

Viviennemary · 12/03/2022 12:25

Just back away from this friendship. It's not doing either of you any good.

ColMustardInTheLibrary · 12/03/2022 12:26

Hmm, sorry OP but I think it’s you who is lacking in empathy for your friend and imagining slights where there are none. Having a glass of wine in the bath is hardly swanning off to Vegas.

WonderfulYou · 12/03/2022 12:28

It’s difficult to say.

Is she being showing or is she acting like she’s always done but you’re being extra sensitive right now due to your lack of sleep and PND?

Could she turn around and say you’re being showing as you’re moaning about being a parent knowing she can’t have children and has had to stop trying?

Are you sending her photos of the kids and doing exactly what you’re accusing her of doing?

The facts are she wanted children and you have them - so she is going to be feeling a million times worse than you right now. And I can imagine if she started a thread she’d get a lot of sympathy too.

She shouldn’t hide the fact she’s childless and you shouldn’t hide the fact you have children.
I think you both need to have an honest conversation and try and see each other’s sides as I doubt either of you are in the wrong.

I also wouldn’t speak to people about PND or the terrible twos if they’ve not had children themselves as they just will not understand how difficult it is and you’ll end up feeling worse.

Grantanow · 12/03/2022 12:34

There is a gap between parents and the child-free in our society, more so perhaps for women than men. Their priorities and everyday lives differ to some degree. There is of course a third group - of which I and my partner are members - who had a child die in infancy and never conceived again. Some of the child-free experience themselves as childless for a variety of reasons including social pressure to be a parent. Others are child-free through choice and that is not necessarily a source of pain.

FairyCakeWings · 12/03/2022 12:35

@FairyCakeWings "a bit mean" shame on you, that is absolutely vile. Beyond disgusting behaviour to suggest. I can only hope you don't have many friends if that's the way your brain works, absolutely horrendous.

I’m suggesting the OP does the same thing to the friend that the friend is doing to her. If that’s hurtful for the friend, then maybe she’ll realise what she did first wasn’t very kind.

I have lots of lovely friends, and thankfully none of them would be nasty or insensitive enough to send a picture of themselves relaxing in a bath with wine to a friend that they knew was stressed to the point of clinical depression.

The OPs friend has tried and failed to have children. She very clearly wanted them badly to have gone through IVF. She is now at peace with the hand she was dealt and is making the most of it.

That’s would be great if it were likely to be true, but if she was really at peace with it then she wouldn’t feel the need to drag an already struggling friend down as her way of building herself up. She have enough brain space to empathise with OPs difficulties and be supportive instead.

OP chose to have children. Christ if she is triggered by a glass of wine and bath, then that's her own issue.

So what do you suggest she does about that issue when trying to back away gently hasn’t worked and she’s been confronted and accused of jealousy?

Helloninjas · 12/03/2022 12:35

Cut her off and see if she comes back in a few years. I had this with Mil who was desperately jealous of my pregnancies. Wept and had to be comforted by DH and her other children when we announced the third. She has 4 kids btw, just jealous that she couldn’t have anymore as she was fifty. Now sends me pictures of her on holiday etc with captions such as “haha bet you’re not getting a minute to enjoy yourself. Sorry about that”

Hellorhighwater · 12/03/2022 12:36

You’re both struggling and you’re the wrong people for each other right now. She’s trying to find the joy in not having something you’re struggling with. Everyone is justified in their pain here, but you both need support from other people. Distance yourself, or find other support for both your sakes.

ColMustardInTheLibrary · 12/03/2022 12:37

That’s a wise post Grantanow. for you. I’m very sorry for your loss.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 12/03/2022 12:37

I have 3 dc and drink g&t in the bath (don’t take photos because that’s a bit odd imo). Am I not allowed to do that? Do mums not bath? I think I’m mumming wrong. misses point of thread

It is probably hard to hear your struggles when she can’t share them but would love to. My db and his wife struggled to conceive and number 2 hasn’t happened and won’t. My number 2 was twins so really felt like I was rubbing salt in the wound. They were great about it but I wouldn’t have chosen them to moan to. You’re possibly being insensitive that way and she’s retaliating back. Both need more empathy. Maybe respond to her positives with something positive from your life or just laugh and say there’s definitely pros and cons on both sides.

LetsGoCrazyPurpleBanana · 12/03/2022 12:37

She's obviously trying to convince herself she's happy as she is. She must be hurting.

CounsellorTroi · 12/03/2022 12:38

@Helloninjas

This is a completely different situation.

HardyBuckette · 12/03/2022 12:41

You sound incompatible.

DrSbaitso · 12/03/2022 12:44

I’m suggesting the OP does the same thing to the friend that the friend is doing to her. If that’s hurtful for the friend, then maybe she’ll realise what she did first wasn’t very kind.

Yes, that's exactly how to communicate your hurt to someone in a healthy way that doesn't encourage escalation.

greenteafiend · 12/03/2022 12:45

Could she perhaps feel as though you're making a massive point by talking so much about your parental struggles?

The OP did not say anything in her post to suggest that she is constantly talking about her parental struggles. She said that her friend "knows" that she is having difficulties but she said nothing to suggest that she was constantly talking about it.

KittyWindbag · 12/03/2022 12:45

Look it’s normal to be jealous of our friends sometimes, it’s part of human nature. You don’t need to be ashamed of it. But you are also dealing with some depression. You should say to her, yea I do feels bit jealous and it’s not helping my depression. I’m glad you’re having a nice time. Please don’t send me those types of pictures. Also be mindful of what you share with her regarding your kids and family set up. Things can feel so cruel, I’m time you will likely be able to come together again. But right now you are not what the other each needs.

CoastalWave · 12/03/2022 12:45

You both need to back away from each other.

You're causing her pain and vice versa.

Not a compatible friendship anymore.

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