Page 3 | To confront a friend who is showy about not having kids?

burnthur5t · 12/03/2022 11:31

Block and forget her

CounsellorTroi · 12/03/2022 11:32

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Being childless isn't the go ahead to treat your friends like shit.. Back away she isn't a friend. Send her a few pics of your dc first. A true friend would be happy for you.

Wouldn’t a true friend also be supportive of her efforts to come to terms with childfree life?

Wherehasthecommonsensegone · 12/03/2022 11:33

@ManateeFair

I’ve never quite understood why it’s OK for parents to talk about their kids and how precious they are and to share pictures of them all the time depicting the nicer side of parenting, but not OK for someone without kids to talk about all the amazing things they get to do with their freedom and show the nicer side of being child-free. Are people meant to hide the grownup stuff they do in case people with kids get envious?

Is your friend openly stating that she is showing off about not having kids? If she sends a photo in the bath with a glass of wine, is it captioned “Just unwinding! This is the life” or is it captioned “Look at me, doing this stuff because I don’t have kids!” Because there is a very big difference.

Agree with this 100%

JanisMoplin · 12/03/2022 11:33

@AnnaMagnani

It sounds like she has made the best of the hand life has dealt her and decided to try to enjoy being single.

However it is hard for child-free people and parents of toddlers to chat as basically, they don't have much in common and it can easily look like one half is showing off.

Being a parent of toddlers is all consuming and unsurprisingly, most of your conversation is going to be about them. While she is single and all her conversation is still going to be about hobbies, travel, restaurants and the like.

Throw in the fact that parenting is hard even if you love your kids, she didn't actually choose to be child-free and there are a lot of emotions circling underneath in this relationship.

Note - my experience is as the child-free party.

I have at least 8-10 childfree friends ( used to have more) and have not had any trouble talking with them. Even when I had toddlers, believe it or not-, I had hobbies, travelled, and went to restaurants. I also read- not as much as before perhaps but I did- listened to music, and worked. I don't think I am too unusual in this?

NorthSouthcatlady · 12/03/2022 11:33

I have been in a vaguely similar situation where l was struggling to conceive and a friend had 2 children close together. It was like she wanted my life to change because hers had -ours hadn’t because we couldn’t conceive. For example when we booked a weekend away, she was super keen to say she would love to do that but couldn’t as she “spent all money on childcare” . It would be sly comments if we went out with friends in the evening. It didn’t help that she was firmly on the mummy martyr road e.g. got every up night with her children and her husband never did, she would never leave them with friends or family etc. She was so condescending and judgey, always making out l was some kind of indulged immature child. When in reality l was trying to find the positive in a bad situation. For example when we were moving house, she was bitchy about the smallest bedroom being earmarked for a dressing room. What did she want us to do keep the box room empty forever or make it some kind of nursery shrine?! In reality it’s now a dressing room. I didn’t ram it down her throat that l would have lie ins, dinner out, a few drinks etc. Was l suppose to lie and say we did nothing all weekend, we just sat around willing ourselves to get pregnant?!

At the end of the day you have landed on your feet and got 2 children. Lots of people don’t even get 1. You could be more gracious. So what if she drinks wine in the bath, it’s not hurting anyone. Odds on she would probably love to be in the bath with her baby. IVF just doesn’t work for some people and people run out of money / emotionally are too drained from it all.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 12/03/2022 11:34

Not when she is trampling all over her friend's right to be happy in the process. The op is struggling. Should she be apologising for putting herself in this position?

JemimaTiggywinkle · 12/03/2022 11:36

I had to read your OP a couple of times - I missed the bit at the end where you’ve already backed away and she has accused you of being jealous.

Tbh I don’t think there’s any salvaging this friendship now and I think that you’re right to back away. She’s obviously having a difficult time and taking it out/projecting it on to you.

NorthSouthcatlady · 12/03/2022 11:38

@BenchBench this basically. It sounds like they haven’t made the decision to not have children, they’ve made the decision to stop. Which isn’t the same thing

JanisMoplin · 12/03/2022 11:38

@JemimaTiggywinkle

I had to read your OP a couple of times - I missed the bit at the end where you’ve already backed away and she has accused you of being jealous.

Tbh I don’t think there’s any salvaging this friendship now and I think that you’re right to back away. She’s obviously having a difficult time and taking it out/projecting it on to you.

Exactly. OP has backed away.

WorraLiberty · 12/03/2022 11:39

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Being childless isn't the go ahead to treat your friends like shit.. Back away she isn't a friend. Send her a few pics of your dc first. A true friend would be happy for you.

Urrggh! How nasty.

Being a parent isn't the go ahead to treat your friends like shit.

MargaretThursday · 12/03/2022 11:40

I think she's thinking the same about you.

You've got what she desperately, despite her protestations, wants. You're telling her how difficult it is and she's thinking "I'd like to have that problem".
So she's retaliating with showing her "wonderful life".

She's hurting, you're hurting.
Either back away from the friendship, which doesn't seem to be doing either of you any good, or you need to think about how you're coming across.

It's a bit like a friend who had a 4 bed house with 2 dc was moaning about the cost of the huge extension they were putting up to someone who was trying to sell their (small) house quickly because they'd lost their job and the house was in danger of repossession.
Their friendship never really recovered from that.

thepeopleversuswork · 12/03/2022 11:51

I wouldn't bother confronting her. I don't think it will end well for either of you. At the moment you have very different perspectives on the situation and its hard to see how you will bring her around to yours.

It's clearly a response to pain on her part: she's worked hard to make peace with the fact that she won't have children and this has worked but its come at a cost of some empathy. This is frustrating for you but she may still be struggling with it to the point that seeing the positives for her will not allow her to empathise with you.

I have to say that if I were struggling with something like this I might also not want to hear about someone else's day to day parenting stuggles. It may just be somewhere she can't go.

I don't agree that the friendship has necessarily run its course. Friendships can struggle for all sorts of reasons when people go down different life paths. It doesn't have to be forever. But I think you both need to acknowledge that for now the friendship isn't meeting either of your needs and be compassionate with yourselves and each other about it.

FWIW I wouldn't totally burn your boats with her. You may well find that when your kids are older you cherish friendships like this again.

tempester28 · 12/03/2022 11:53

It sounds like you are both suffering a bit. However, she does sound like she is lashing out. It is difficult when you have young children and good friends do not. You find that you are in different places. If it is a friendship worth keeping them perhaps you could keep the conversations and your friendship child free (if it possible)

Eddielizzard · 12/03/2022 11:53

I would say 'I don't think we're in the right space for each other atm.'

gannett · 12/03/2022 11:54

@FairyCakeWings

I agree that it’s probably coming from a place of pain and she’s actually just trying to convince herself that her life is better for not having children.

It’s insensitive though and you aren’t there to be an emotional punchbag for her to make her feel better about herself, so I’d do the same right back at her. For every picture she sends you of her bubble bath, you send her one of your children with the loved up emoji attached.

That might seem a bit mean, but hopefully it wouldn’t take her long before she gets the hint.

"A bit" mean? This is one of the outright nastiest suggestions I've ever read on this website.

OP moaning about parenthood to a friend who wanted children and can't have them is horrifically insensitive and it sounds like she's lashing out in kind. But I have more sympathy for her. Parents should know what parenting involves and even if it's hard at times the bigger picture is what they wanted. For OP's friend, she'll never get the bigger picture she wants.

I say this as someone who's childfree by choice. I have conversations with parent friends in which they talk about parenthood and I talk about the childfree life quite happily and there's no underlying tension because ultimately we both have what we want, therefore what the other person has isn't a reminder that we can't have it.

PriamFarrl · 12/03/2022 11:54

Whenever we chat, on whatsapp or whatever she makes a massive point of showing off that she doesn't have any commitments and sends photos of her in the bath with wine, etc etc. Normally I'd be thinking that all this is coming from a place of pain (and it might be) but I feel like its salt in the wound right now.

But is she saying ‘look at me having a brilliant time. You can’t do this as you have children.’?
Or is she sending it in response to your pictures of your children?

Think about what you do. If you are sending her pictures of your babies, lovely days out, happy family stuff that she will never have then that is worse that pictures if her having a relaxing time which you will get to have again in 20 years.

She will never have children, she will never be a mother, she will never have a family. You will be free from comment again in 20 years but you will still be a mother and have a family.

ImInStealthMode · 12/03/2022 11:55

Agree with PPs, her behaviour isn't great but I imagine it's coming from a place of great pain and jealousy that she's scrabbling to hide by pretending it's all fine. She might not even realise that's what she's doing.

The analogy about a lottery winner complaining about the stress of it is good. To her, you've got everything she wanted (even after your rough journey to get it) and while you are having your own difficulties I'm sure she'd love to have had those problems.

Perhaps you need to consider that she is not the friend to bring these particular problems to. Are there others in your life to talk about those things with?

It's like complaining about sore feet because you're wearing high heels. Fine to casually moan about, but probably insensitive to moan to the mate whose legs were recently amputated.

MabelsApron · 12/03/2022 11:58

Pull back from the friendship. She sounds desperately unhappy and is using you to lash out. You want someone to commiserate with you about your experiences but she can’t hear it. It’s a friendship that isn’t suiting either of you just now and that’s OK.

Just make that point to her and give each other space. Don’t send her pics of your DCs (honestly, that at least two people have suggested that is genuinely sickening to me) as a punishment for her behaviour, just pull back.

I’m in your friend’s position. A close friend had her first IVF baby 10 days after I had to have an life-saving full hysterectomy in my early 30s, without counselling or anything beforehand. I came out of hospital physically and mentally damaged, and it’s taken a few years to start to accept that I’ll never have kids. My friend told me she was very disappointed in my lack of fanfare when baby was born (I’d sent a gift from hospital bed but obviously it wasn’t wrapped and I couldn’t visit or anything).

She routinely sends me pics of her and her child with gushing lines about how much her life has changed for the better. I very rarely respond other than to like them or send a token “looks lovely” or what have you, I know she’s cross I’ve not made more of an effort but she’s so blinking insensitive that I don’t really care. We’re acquaintances now.

You know the pain of IVF but you do not know the pain of being involuntarily childless. It does not mean you have to be a punching bag but you need to step away from her and stop trying to compete with her about who has it worst (which is kinda what I feel is going on here).

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 12/03/2022 11:58

That type of 'wine in the bath' message is what the reply of just a 👍emoji is made for. Just send that every time.

Pumpfive · 12/03/2022 11:59

@gingerhills

I don't get it. She is showing how happy she is having all the advantages of not having children. Why shouldn't she? Does her happiness and freedom offend you? Why?

Can't you just say: looks lovely! Good for you for appreciating the advantages!

She must have wanted DC and it's a very hard thing to come to terms with not having them. Why would you, a friend, be annoyed that she has?

This! It must be so hard for her.

JanisMoplin · 12/03/2022 12:01

@MabelsApron

Pull back from the friendship. She sounds desperately unhappy and is using you to lash out. You want someone to commiserate with you about your experiences but she can’t hear it. It’s a friendship that isn’t suiting either of you just now and that’s OK.

Just make that point to her and give each other space. Don’t send her pics of your DCs (honestly, that at least two people have suggested that is genuinely sickening to me) as a punishment for her behaviour, just pull back.

I’m in your friend’s position. A close friend had her first IVF baby 10 days after I had to have an life-saving full hysterectomy in my early 30s, without counselling or anything beforehand. I came out of hospital physically and mentally damaged, and it’s taken a few years to start to accept that I’ll never have kids. My friend told me she was very disappointed in my lack of fanfare when baby was born (I’d sent a gift from hospital bed but obviously it wasn’t wrapped and I couldn’t visit or anything).

She routinely sends me pics of her and her child with gushing lines about how much her life has changed for the better. I very rarely respond other than to like them or send a token “looks lovely” or what have you, I know she’s cross I’ve not made more of an effort but she’s so blinking insensitive that I don’t really care. We’re acquaintances now.

You know the pain of IVF but you do not know the pain of being involuntarily childless. It does not mean you have to be a punching bag but you need to step away from her and stop trying to compete with her about who has it worst (which is kinda what I feel is going on here).

See, I would never send pix of myself with my child to anyone with these lines, childfree or a parent, but particularly not anyone struggling with fertility. It's just asking for trouble from above. A little reticence is a good thing.

BringMeTea · 12/03/2022 12:02

I just don't get what this friend has done wrong. How is sending wine in the bath pic a dig at your life? This thread is weird.

Butchyrestingface · 12/03/2022 12:02

Whenever we chat, on whatsapp or whatever she makes a massive point of showing off that she doesn't have any commitments and sends photos of her in the bath with wine, etc etc.

I have family and friends whose FB pages are a WALL of these types of photos. And they DO have kids.

Yes, it's all very tedious but that appears to be what floats their boat. Haven't seen anyone suggesting they're in "pain". Maybe your friend is just one of these types without it being anything to do with her childless state?

Idkiibu · 12/03/2022 12:05

A bit of a bullying behaviour from her. I would back off for the sake of your own mental health. You don’t need this, life is too short to bend over for people who don’t want to make any effort to be kind to you .

Eims88 · 12/03/2022 12:06

I take it you don't talk about your children, or post pictures of your life with kids?

Wouldn't that be rubbing her face in it? if she tried to have kids and couldn't.

Why is her, enjoying and living her life, upsetting for you?