It’s a birthday party invites one- twins

[MarianosOnHisWay]

DD has a set of boy-girl twins in her Year 3 class. Let’s call then John and Sarah (not real names).
John seems to be a boisterous type, I often hear his name from DD at the end of the day in conjunction with who has been in trouble or that he’s done something like pull her glasses off, talk about killer clowns etc. Sarah isn’t one of DD’s best friends but they get on fine.

The popular destination for 8th birthday parties this year (after they haven’t been able to have parties for so long) is either one of two large trampoline/bouncy park type things. We’ve been to around 4-5 parties at these so far this year. Because they’re large places, you don’t hire the whole place- there are members of the public bouncing too.

DD is having her party at one such place. She would like to invite all the girls in the class. However, what has happened at the last few parties like this is- Sarah is invited but the twins’ mum also brings John along and pays for him as a member of the public to enter and bounce. Obviously he doesn’t join in the party room, party food etc.

I get it- they’re twins, what one does the other wants to do. Also maybe mum doesn’t have childcare for John while taking Sarah to a party.

DD has now said she’s worried about inviting Sarah as it will mean John will come. She says at the other parties when he’s been there as a non-party member of the public he’s been rough, deliberately barged into the party members when bouncing, even strangled them, been rude and called out rude things etc. She doesn’t want this to happen at her party.

I’m not sure how to make the AIBU voting because as I see it there are three options:

-Don’t invite Sarah- very reluctant to do this as she’d be the only girl in the class not invited and why should she suffer due to her twin brother’s behaviour?

-Invite Sarah but have a work with mum and say please don’t bring John- so awkward and she may not have the option plus as a member of the public I can’t really control if she brings him?

-Invite Sarah and just accept that it means John coming too, and prep DD to come and report any incidents (again so awkward though? The mum will be sitting there at the cafe place and what will I say “John is playing rough and the girls don’t like it, please get him and ask him to stop”)

Or is there a fourth option??

Invite her and say it’s a girls only thing !,,

I feel your pain @MarianosOnHisWay. When dd was young she didn’t want a party because of two rough boys in her class. I look back and wish I’d just said to the parents they were not invited as DD was scared of their behaviour.

Thanks for the summary.

So Sarah is not a close friend, that changes things.

Did the OP ever tell the mum that she doesn't want John there and why? As in straight to her face, not just hinted at it?

If not and the daughter wants Sarah there I would try that. And then organise her to be taken in another car (ask a friend to help out).

If the daughter doesn't care about Sarah being there and she is not excluded (as in only kid in the class who is not invited) I would not invite her.

Good summary @Oriunda and I agree, make it a mix of DDs friends from the two classes and Brownies and avoid the Sarah and John issue altogether. Best way to do it, and nobody is hurt

@RockinHorseShit

Crikey, I'm gobsmacked at how many would just roll over & accept a misbehaving uninvited guest. What a shit message to send out to your DCs

Tell Sarah's mum straight that your DD does not want to invite John, because she isn't friends with him & is upset by his behaviour in school. She does want to invite Sarah, but only if John doesn't gate crash her party & spoil it as a result... then offer the lift to Sarah by way of helping. I'm guessing the DM is fully aware John doesn't behave well & a good parent wouldn't want Sarah affected by that. How the hell is she meant to know if nobody tells her the truth

I think many people overread the physical violence part. At least I did.

Well, he didn't decide to come on his own, his mum took him. So the mum is to blame.

I would never punish a child for the inacceptable behaviour of his mother so under normal circumstances I would obviously let him join and teach my daughter compassion towards people who were dragged along as it was not his fault.

But with the physical violence that is of course not applicable and I would tell the mum not to bring him and that she should look into getting him help. Yes, I agree she needs to be told the truth. I can't figure out if the OP has told her directly already or not.

Friend should be invited.
If mum brings her twin then it is her job to keep him under control, there are staff who can deal with any bad behaviour.

Whenever I've booked parties like this or ones in a hall I've always taken it as a given that sibling(s) will rock up too. It hasn't ever been a problem for me.

It's a public place so it's up to the mum whether she brings him or not.
If she does bring him, then obviously she should be fully responsible for anything he does and supervise him herself.
In her defence, she isn't expecting him to be a part of the party food, which I have known plenty of parents do. She accepts he is just there as a member of the public.
It must be hard for her if she is struggling with his behaviour, so anything you say (asking her not to bring him to the public place) could make her feel worse.

This thread has been a fascinating insight into the lengths women will go to to excuse poor behaviour from boys (and by extension men), and expect girls and women to bend over backwards to accommodate them and not cause offence. The mess we’re in, eh?

OP it’s sad for Sarah, but as you want to avoid having an awkward conversation with their mum I would go with the ‘small selection of girls from each class/Brownies’ option.

If it's a public place, then the mum can't be prevented from bringing John along. She's also not doing John any favours in how to manage this sort of situation- he can't just barge his way in regardless. I've BG twins, sometimes one was invited, sometimes both yet I've never ever gatecrashed a party in a public place with the uninvited one.

@musicviking1

Whenever I've booked parties like this or ones in a hall I've always taken it as a given that sibling(s) will rock up too. It hasn't ever been a problem for me.

and have any of those siblings worshipped at the feet of John Wayne Gacy? If not, then I'm not sure your experience is relevant to that of the OP.

@TherapistInATabard

This thread has been a fascinating insight into the lengths women will go to to excuse poor behaviour from boys (and by extension men), and expect girls and women to bend over backwards to accommodate them and not cause offence. The mess we’re in, eh?

OP it’s sad for Sarah, but as you want to avoid having an awkward conversation with their mum I would go with the ‘small selection of girls from each class/Brownies’ option.

It's not always just boys though. I've seen that for myself with my daughter's "all girl" parties. It's been a real eye opener.

@musicviking1

Whenever I've booked parties like this or ones in a hall I've always taken it as a given that sibling(s) will rock up too. It hasn't ever been a problem for me.

Would it be a problem for you if the sibling was strangling the part goers?

🙄

Whenever I've booked parties like this or ones in a hall I've always taken it as a given that sibling(s) will rock up too. It hasn't ever been a problem for me

That’s nice to hear dear, but until your experience of an uninvited sibling causing mayhem whilst the ‘parent’ ignores the crap behaviour, I don’t think that’s relevant.

In my kids' school by this age having 4 or 5 friends to parties was more common and so much easier to manage too. If Sarah isn't a close friend then choosing a smaller group seems the easiest option.
Alternatively is DD 100% set on the trampoline park? We've done things like pizza and a film at home, craft parties, pottery painting, themed parties e.g. Harry Potter, climbing centre, swimming, theme park with just 2 friends and various others over the years, all a bit easier to avoid someone turning up with a sibling.

@musicviking1

Whenever I've booked parties like this or ones in a hall I've always taken it as a given that sibling(s) will rock up too. It hasn't ever been a problem for me.

For fucks sake! You would let your daughter be strangled and her glasses removed and chucked around a trampoline park on her own birthday?

I’d not invite Sarah.
Johns parents need to start disciplining him.
It’s not up to the ops dd to tolerate shitty behaviour from a male.

@musicviking1

Whenever I've booked parties like this or ones in a hall I've always taken it as a given that sibling(s) will rock up too. It hasn't ever been a problem for me.

Good for you. I assume none of them are John

@TherapistInATabard

This thread has been a fascinating insight into the lengths women will go to to excuse poor behaviour from boys (and by extension men), and expect girls and women to bend over backwards to accommodate them and not cause offence. The mess we’re in, eh?

OP it’s sad for Sarah, but as you want to avoid having an awkward conversation with their mum I would go with the ‘small selection of girls from each class/Brownies’ option.

I think many people overread the physical violence/extreme aggression part. At least that is what I am taking from many of the answers here.

This is a child. It's not a child's fault if the mum drags him along. He didn't choose to be there. It is terrible to punish a child for his mother's mistake.

His behaviour is obviously completely unacceptable but the OP needs to tell the mum and be honest about it. And also suggest she get him help because he needs it. The mum is obviously not aware of the fact that she doesn't want him there.

To be fair your solution of not inviting Sarah is also one that causes no offence. That way Sarah is excluded and you don't need to deal with the issue anymore. If you didn't care about causing offence then the only right thing to do (if the daughter wants her there) is to tell the mum that Sarah can come but John can't and why.

Option 4-Invite Sarah, offer to give Sarah a lift, tell Sarah mom to drop Sarah off to yours an hours before. Tell Sarah's mom it's a strictly girls only party but you have a fun pack for boy twin for her to pick up when she drops off Sarah. Spend no more than a fiver on puzzle stuff for boy twin.

All the best

Happymum12345
Invite Sarah. If her brother comes too, that’s ok. Be kind and welcoming.
@Happymum12345

As PPS are telling you, this is a terrible lesson - especially for a girl. It’s a party, the OPs daughter is entitled to protect the invite list, and no - she does not have to be kind and welcoming to an unwanted guest. The OP does not want to teach her daughter to be a voiceless dormat

I absolutely agree with @Luredbyapomegranate

Is this what we're teaching our girls now? There is a physically or verbally aggressive male in your orbit, but you can't say no to him or exclude him in case his feelings are hurt? What an awful thing to say to them.

Not in this house, sorry. Girls do not have to 'be kind' to people who are unpleasant to spare their feelings!

No wonder there are so many entitled, abusive men around.

As Sarah is not a big friend of your dd I would trim down the size of the party to invite less than half the girls in the class, or replace some of the girls with boys (not including John, obv).

However the key thing to bear in mind is that in a public place you can’t really control who turns up.

My ds is 9 this year and we are hoping to do cinema plus McDonald’s with just 4 or 5 max. I think once they get to 8/9 trimming down the numbers is totally ok and 20 seems a lot.

I'd just invite Sarah and see what happens on the day.

If John is brought along and starts strangling people then obviously you need to urgently call over a member of staff to deal with his behaviour. It's his mother's problem, not yours. Don't let someone ruin your daughter's party.

@whatajuckingfoke

Happymum12345 Invite Sarah. If her brother comes too, that’s ok. Be kind and welcoming. *@Happymum12345*

As PPS are telling you, this is a terrible lesson - especially for a girl. It’s a party, the OPs daughter is entitled to protect the invite list, and no - she does not have to be kind and welcoming to an unwanted guest. The OP does not want to teach her daughter to be a voiceless dormat

I absolutely agree with @Luredbyapomegranate

Is this what we're teaching our girls now? There is a physically or verbally aggressive male in your orbit, but you can't say no to him or exclude him in case his feelings are hurt? What an awful thing to say to them.

Not in this house, sorry. Girls do not have to 'be kind' to people who are unpleasant to spare their feelings!

No wonder there are so many entitled, abusive men around.

Totally agree. Gobsmacking